It's been recorded here of my coworker's relentless attempts to entice me and how--to some degree--I responded.

Now she acts as if I'm a distant associate.

I can't believe I've caused so much damage to my own life and marriage by responding to what is essentially my co-worker's need for an ego boost.

That she should attempt to woo a married man is sad, but my response to it is despicable. I can't believe I've hurt my wife over so much foolishness.

I've made my marriage as nothing to thrill someone else in their quest for a sense of worth.

My actions regardless have been inexcusable, but for me personally to see the bitter reality emphasizes to me just what a fool I am.

I'm recording this for posterity.

More thoughts.

I want to repent. I am willing to do what is right.

Although, I see myself as a fool for being drawn into OW schemes, I see this revelation as a blessing... a chance to do what is right.

Do I tell my wife everything right now?

Here is my wife's text message to me from Monday:
"I want to know you. I know I have not done a great job the past 5 yrs. Please help me learn about u."

Another:
"I want to see u with God's eyes and heart."

Sounds like a pretty great woman, eh? I want to come clean with her, but if she starts lbing me I don't know if I can take it. Then I'm going to be even more tempted if coworker decides to entice again.

Please: Advice on approach, what-to-do, etc. I think W agrees that I can leave night job in 3½ weeks.

Although I'm tempted to obsess about co-worker and tempted to try to get her attention again, or to feel like the only way to not be a fool is to "win her attention again", I know this is all a waste of time.

Thoughts?

<small>[ May 26, 2004, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: john_g ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do I tell my wife everything right now? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No. You make an agreement with her about the affair. You will answer everything and anything she asks you about it. Let her control the flow of information.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Although I'm tempted to obsess about co-worker and tempted to try to get her attention again, or to feel like the only way to not be a fool is to "win her attention again", I know this is all a waste of time.

Thoughts?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stay clear of her. Eliminate contact. Everything you're feeling right now is all about YOU. She has no business in it anymore. If you have an obsessive personality, get into IC asap and learn to manage it. I have this problem as well.

john, it's good that you recognize the damage you did. Your real measure of success will be how you proceed forward now. They say confession is good for the soul but only if you can confess, let it go, and live differently.

By all means, be quick to express remorse to your wife, but life is too short to spend it in self flagellation. I wish I had learned this earlier.

Low

John...I 2nd low's advice whole-heartedly!! The OM in my case sounds just like the OM that you work with. They prey upon people to satisy their own egos and I don't know how far your relationship has gone but I pray that you will nip this before it turns into a full blown PA as mine was. Good luck!

sorry...typo..that would be the OW in your case <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , big difference there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

John..you know you can't wait until you are in a situation to decide what is right or wrong. That determination has to be set within your character. You can't blame your actions on the behavior of others...both your wife is she lb's or some low life who gets her thrill out of taking what belongs to others.

Proverbs 11:22 As a ring of gold in a swine's snout, so is a beautiful woman who lacks discretion.

Next time you are tempted to fall into the trap of this pig, remember all you are seeing is the ring. There's ugliness behind what you perceive as attractiveness. Ugliness that will cost you more than you can begin to imagine.

This is some awesome input. Thank you so much. Please if anyone has something to add, please feel free to add.

ditto Low

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by john_g:
<strong>Sounds like a pretty great woman, eh? I want to come clean with her, but if she starts lbing me I don't know if I can take it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What???

What do you mean you can't take it?

But you can go back to OW - a mistake you already recognize?

Get a grip, John. You've got a crystal clear choice - rather, no choice!

Please send your wife here so we can help her.

Hello John - I think that this OW is filling needs your wife is not able to, the work situation has probably not helped your marriage at all.

You have made a commitment to your W and have a responsibility to do what is right. Her text message sounds like she does truly love you, I understand with all the financial stress of a new home and furniture and over extending yourselves you may be having some hard times, but wasn't that part of your vows, to stay together through all the good and bad times?

It is good that you have realized how wrong it is to have this relationship with this OW, honestly if OW thinks it is ok to pursue a married man and has Marriage on her mind, I don't think this is someone you want to get involved with. I would be cordial with her but try not to be too personal

Have you and your wife completed the EN quest. -
it really has helped my H and I open up, talk about things that we were missing in the M - perhaps you could bring up the LB.

I think it is good you have posted and try to work things out in your head, there are alot of very smart people on this website who I am sure will lead you in the right direction. Please keep posting - Sandy

<small>[ May 26, 2004, 02:59 PM: Message edited by: Sandy0000 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I want to see you with God's eyes and heart. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">john, all I can say is I hope you come to know how lucky you are to have such a woman for a wife.

You have all the hope in the world of making a go of this--as LO says, follow her lead. Do not let this foolishness with the woman at work go on another minute.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please send your wife here so we can help her.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you read my 34 Thoughts post? If she sees that she'll leave me or kill me. She would be in incredible, mind-numbing pain.

I mean I can look at that post and think, "That's crazy talk." But she won't see it that way.

I know honesty is good 'n' all, but what I wrote there was just unfiltered confusion.

Am I offbase here? Does being honest mean being blunt?

jg:

this may be a case where Mark Twain's (I think it was him) quote "it is better 2 remain silent and be thought a fool, than 2 speak up and remove all doubt" might just be bad advice.

Not that you're a fool, but your giving somewhat in2 temptation was perhaps foolish. Talking 2 others can help you out of this. You aren't a fool, really. We all make mistakes. Thank your lucky stars you didn't go through with a "full-blown A", though even one of those can be recovered from, as you've seen here.

best,
-ol' 2long