My H is in Nova Scotia and I am in Ontario due to his job. It has been this way since Nov. I recently found out he has had an EA with a 22 year old girl i will call her. He is 35, I am 33 (on Friday), we have been married almost 13 years and have 4 boys (obviously). This is the third time he has had an A. Anyway....the only way we can communicate right now is on the phone. I was suppose to go there this coming week-end to celebrate my birthday with him but when I discovered the EA I told him that I would not come because he has to much work to do. He has tried to get me to reconsider a couple of times but I keep saying no. He said that the A is over but I have no proof of that. I have a few family members that are willing to watch the kids for me so I can go there. I am thinking that it may be a good idea for me to go next week so that we can talk face to face and figure things out. He has agreed to get IC but has not as of yet made an appointment. Should I wait till he does that or should I go anyway? Some advice here would be greatly appreciated!! I was thinking if I went than I could get him to call her infront of me and tell her NC!!! Someone please help me!!

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I will say a prayer for you, and bump this.

God bless,
Jg

Bump!!...I really need advice!!

A suggestion: you could tell him that you definitely are NOT coming, then just show up--just to see what he is up to when you are not expected. You might not find out anything, but it may give you a sense of healthy independence that you sorely need right now. Tell him to open his computer right then, right in front of you, so that he doesn't have a chance to erase anything. Tell him you want to see his cellphone record, etc. The purpose of going should be to discuss the relationship and give him a chance to open up his secret life to you.

As a serial cheater, he needs a total brain and heart transplant to be trustworthy. (What is impossible with man is possible with God.)

Another option is to separate until he concretely SHOWS himself changed. Don't let him mess with your mind--don't let him keep hanging on to the status quo with promises to change. He has GOT to change in order to be a safe person for you to be married to. His promises and pleadings mean absolutely nothing at this point. Cheaters are liars.

rcc: Thank you for your response. I was considering just showing up and not giving him any warning. The thought of it is kinda scary but I kinda get the feeling that I need to do it. It is to hard to try and have serious conversations over the phone all the time. I know that he needs IC!! I have told him that he has to fix why he keeps doing this if there is any future for us. I really hope and pray that he does do it!! Not only for us but for our 4 boys. It just baffles me how people can be so selfish and unthoughtful of others feelings especially those that they are suppose to love. I know that I have my faults, but I don't have any idea what EN weren't being met by me. He has never said that he was missing this from me and that is why this happens. It makes it difficult because I don't know what it is that I am suppose to fix or change! Any suggestions how I can figure that out?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

mom, first of all, how is your Plan A going? I think you do need to go meet with your H, BUT do not just show up. If you tell him that you are not coming then just show up, you have just lied to him. What is that justifying?

I would suggest you print out the Emotional Needs questionairre and the Love Busters questionnaire and take them up with you. They can be found on the HOME page of the website. Print one out for each of you. That will give you a good foundation to start with.

You need to start practicing total honesty. If you aren't honest, how can you expect your H to be?

Has he written a NC letter and mailed it? If he hasn't, suggest he do that while you are up there. And you need to approve it. Some things to be mentioned in the letter should be


I have chosen to be with my wife and and family.

I love my wife and the A was a mistake.

NO contact whatsoever from here on out

make it clear that the EA is over.

I think it is essential that you do go there this weekend. For one it will give you two some quality time without the boys around. Some time to talk and be alone. Is there anyway you can move out to where he is? Or he can quit his job and move to where you are?

I think he does need to be in IC and MC. It soundsl ike he has some "issues" to deal with. Maybe he can make the appt and you go with him. You will have to wait in the waiting room of course, but at least you will know he has gone.

I am sure others will come along shortly.

Mom to 3: To be honest, I am not sure how it's going because I am not sure if he is being honest with me. He came home for a week in the beginning of May and we did the EN questionaire because he assured me he was here to fix things between us and then I found out last week that while he was here he phoned her to tell her that he missed her and loved her..ARG!!!!! He tells me now that after the week was over he realized that he needs and wants his family and phoned her the day he got back and told her it was over. I wish I could believe him but he has lied to me so much! I asked him last night if he would send her a NC e-mail and also send a copy to me (and make her aware of that). The kids and I were suppose to move there next month when school was done but I have put a hold on those plans because of all that has happened! I just felt like I couldn't uproot the kids from all our family and friends. I feared having to move back because of his lies. I really don't know what to do!! The whole situation just sucks!! I have always been very committed to our marriage and always put it above everything else. If this was the first A the decision to move may not be so difficult. Thanks for your reply it is really great to get advice from others who have been there!

Well after three A's I can certainly understand your hesitation and reluctance.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was suppose to go there this coming week-end to celebrate my birthday with him but when I discovered the EA I told him that I would not come because he has to much work to do.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why did you tell him that when it's not the real reason? You should be radically honest with him and tell him that you aren't coming because
1. You are fed up with his As and he needs to do some BIG proving to you that he's serious about fixing the M
2. You think he's still in the EA
3. fill-in-the-blank

I'm not trying to say those *are* your reasons; you should give your own, true reasons for not wanting to go. Or agree to go but only if certain conditions are met - i.e. you discuss the M, he agrees to send NC letter, whatever.

What I'm trying to say is you need to understand whether or not you want to go, and why. You also need to know what you expect from your H at this point. And you need to be 100% honest about all of it.

I have been honest with him. I told him I would not come because he has a lot of work to do to prove to me that he is going to his part to make this marriage what it should be. I told him that he needs to figure out why he keeps doing this not only for us but for our boys! See the thing is I do want to go and see him. We need some time to talk but I won't until he makes the first few steps (NC e-mail & schedule appt for IC/MC). Things have always been very difficult for us financially because we agreed that I would stay home to raise the kids.( I have worked part time in the evenings) And this new job in a new province was a step up for us in that department and I am just so mad that he could be so selfish. I mean the A was bad enough but now all the heartache I have had to put the kids through because of delaying the move. They were so excited about it! He says all the right things but there is not a whole lot of action to go with the words. He says that he is working 14-16 hour days learning everything he needs to know and that could be true but I don't know for sure. To me time is kinda a poor excuse right now because of the importance of our M. I don't know......maybe if I go there and spend a few days to see what his days are like I could understand a bit better but there are things that HAVE to be done. Time or not!!! Am I being unreasonable??

No, you are not being unreasonable. I think the previous poster thought you used his being busy at work as an excuse not to go. That is not what you meant.... you meant he needs to roll up his sleeves and "get to work" on your relationship.

I know the ambivalence you feel because my husband had two EA that went PA, with two different women, five years apart. It really puts a different choice before you - not only can we save this marriage? but also, do I WANT to be in this marriage any longer?

I think you need to go there and see him. Tell him your thoughts and feelings. Tell him he needs to figure out his problems on his own and leave you and the kids out of it.

Whether you go in surprise or not really doesn't matter. You need to spell out your intentions to him and get on with your life.

Personally, if I had been in your position when I uncovered the second affair, I would not move the kids until he was able to demonstrate that he is faithfully going to counseling and that he is actually learning something.

Your instinct to protect the kids is right on. He should leave his job and come back home and work on the marriage.

~ Snow

If I move on without him and tell him to fix himself without my help will I not be alienating him?? Will that not push him farther away and maybe right into the arms of this girl?? He swears that there has been no sex or touching and I fear if i cut off contact that will happen!

I understand the trickiness of the situation. You kind of feel damned if you do and damned if you don't.

But you're dealing with a serial cheater and I think that puts things in a different column.

He has tipped the scales of this marraige so far off balance that he needs to be the one to set them straight again.

That is why I said he needed to be the one to leave that silly job and come home, tail between his legs, and get to work earning his way back as part of the family.

Your fears about uprooting the children are very real concerns and should not be taken lightly. I could not do it without seeing drastic change in him.

Perhaps give him the summer to start showing some real progress? And if at the end of that time it is more of the same old same old, then you have your answer.

If he wants to change, he has to be able to do it whether you are in the next room or the next province. It is coming from within him. He needs to deal with it.

~ Snow

I agree with you. I said at first that I didn't think that this would have happened if I were there but then I realized that I can't be beside him all the time. He as an adult needs to take accountability for his own choices. It's really sad that I feel I need to babysit him. I know that I have always been the stong one in this marriage and I have dealt with that, but I sometimes what it would be like to have a husband who actually takes his role of head of the household seriously and made me feel protected at all times?! I would never make a decision about moving the kids unless I was absolutely sure! They are way to important to me and I have to protect them because they cannot protect themselves from our M problems. It is really sad and I would do whatever I had to do to make things right but I have to put the ball in his court at some point! I can't MAKE him do anything he has to choose it.

P.U.S.H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I told him I would not come because he has a lot of work to do to prove to me that he is going to his part to make this marriage what it should be. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OOOOOhhhhhhhh! Snowbelle was right, I thought you meant he had a lot of *work* (office type work) to do. I thought you were making up some lame excuse.

My apologies!!!

I agree with Snowbelle in that I would be reluctant to uproot the kids without some serious action on his part to show he's committed to not only ending the A but finding out why he repeatedly falls into this behavior pattern. If it were the first A, then it would make more sense to go be by his side and work through the issues together. But with a repeat offender, you need to start considering the boys' stability.

<small>[ May 28, 2004, 07:30 AM: Message edited by: turtlehead ]</small>

Ok...so just an update. My H sent the NC e-mail yesterday morning. Step one but now there is the matter of scheduling a councelor's appt. That is not happening very quickly. He has had all week and nothing. Today I am feeling quite discouraged and have asked myself if I really want to put any more effort into this marriage. With there being so much distance between us it is hard to really feel any love or anything from him so I have not felt any real insentive to continue to fight for....??? For what?? I have spent so many years meeting his needs and trying to give all of us a happy home and what do I get in return?? He has betrayed me 3 times and I don't want to ever go through it again! There are no guarantee's in life and the fact that I can't get a guarantee that he won't do it again scares me! A LOT!! I don't know what to do! I feel like giving up today but tommorrow I will probably feel differently! This rollercoaster ride is not a fun one!