I am the betrayed spouse. My spouse was a serial cheater (OPs in the double digits) until nearly three years ago, when I finally had enough evidence to confront about the most recent emotional and physical affair. At that time I found the Harley materials (HNHN, SAA), made no contact an ultimatum, and after I had proof of no contact, agreed to try recovery. During the course of a year, I found out about all the other affairs.

Since d-day, I have had no evidence of further cheating. My FWS has been an open book and given me full access to everything. As far as I can tell, they are protecting themselves from behaviors that led to the other As. And even so, I find that I cannot really trust that the last A will indeed be the last A. I cannot trust that this person really wants to be with me and is not simply here because they recognize that from a practical standpoint being with me is in their best interests.

Also, although we have POJA'd several times about some issues in the relationship that I make me feel rejected, my FWS only keeps up their end of the POJA for a week or so before reverting back to the behavior that makes me feel unloved and rejected.

I think I have honestly tried my best to get back into Harley's state of intimacy with my FWS, but both the sheer number of OPs and the unresolved POJA issues seem to keep it from happening. Either we are in a state of conflict, because I am attempting to get my needs met through POJA, or we are in withdrawal because they have fallen through on their end and it is too emotionally draining for me to remain in conflict.

I posted under another login over the course of the last affair and recovery, but I wanted to get some fresh, unbiased opinions about my current situation. My level of marital satisfaction is much, much lower than the level of effort I put in to it. And when I get tired, withdraw and put less effort in, the level of marital satisfaction for both of us drops to rock bottom. My FWS seems determined to "coast" in the relationship unless prodded constantly with conflict. There doesn't seem to ever be any self-initiated effort on their part.

I feel like my options are very limited. I can continue to carry the relationship by myself and grow increasingly more and more resentful and dissatisfied. Or I can back off and wait for my FWS to eventually either cheat again, leave outright, or make an effort on their own, without my prodding.

Any advice or perspectives would be appreciated.

<small>[ May 26, 2004, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: DefiniteMaybe ]</small>

DM,

How do you feel about living without him? For me personally....and I can only speak for myself...I would move on for my own health and well being as well as the opportunity to really be loved.

star*fish: I don't know. We have been married my entire adult life and I have never been "single." Also, there are children involved, so FWS would always be an active relationship in my life as co-parent. So I would not be losing the relationship, in the sense that he would not be "out of my life." A divorce would change our relationship to one of friendship and co-parents, but it would not end it.

I couldn't bear the thought of losing this person's friendship. But it is difficult for me to imagine not being married to him. I admit I am not crazy about the idea of him moving on and having other relationships. But whether or not that is less or more preferable to remaining in my current situation is difficult to say. As for the possibility of me finding someone else or having future romantic relationships, I don't find the idea particularly frightening or particularly appealing.

If I had to sum up my current situation, it is this:

My marriage is analogous to a business partnership. My "partner" repeatedly embezzled funds, cheating the business and me personally out of needed resources, and nearly bankrupted the business for over a decade. For the last three years, while the partner hasn't engaged in any more cheating and stealing, he hasn't behaved like a "partner" in making the business succeed, either. He has basically sat enjoying the fruits of my labor to keep the business running, unless I'm standing over him making sure he's doing his work. And now the business goes from losing money to just breaking even or making an occasional tiny profit.

And at the moment, other areas of my life, other "sideline businesses," if you will, are demanding more of my time and resources. When I focus on this "partnership" enough to make it break even, those "sideline businesses" start floundering. I find myself constantly running back and forth "putting out fires." It makes me think that perhaps the best thing for everyone would be for me to leave the partnership in my partner's hands, and let him either start contributing so the business can be a source of resources for both of us, or let the business finally go under and at least have a sense of resolution.

I recognize that a marriage is not a business, but I am trying to find a way to express my situation.

DM: Your last paragraph was excellent. I think you summed up your situation perfectly. You might want to cut and paste it to a word processor, print it out and give it to your spouse. Say we need to talk and see where it goes. If he's not willing to work on your marriage, why should you? Seems like a fair question to me.

Recovering H: My problem is that discussions of that sort always go the same way. I state my issues, he agrees completely, we both state what we want/need to see from the other, and he makes an effort to do as I've asked for maybe a week. As soon as he sees I'm no longer upset or depressed, his effort ceases.

I don't want to have to be upset or depressed to get my needs met. We've had the same conversation a dozen times. It's not as though he's not aware of how I feel. He just chooses to do nothing about it until there is a conflict. And as soon as the perceived conflict is over, he stops.

Star*fish is right. If talking were going to work, it would have worked by now. And I don't see how Plan B applies in this situation.