Well, I lost it at counselling, but I'm thinking that it may not have been such a total loss.<P>I've dealt with my anger at the Slut-from-and-in-Hell. I feel nothing but pity for her, although I do still feel anger that there are women like that in this world (too convenient for Hs who may be angry at their wives, etc.)<P>I think that my anger now is due to my H's defensive attitude--his unwillingness to be open about this and the fact that he still seems to have this attitude that no matter what he does, I'm not supposed to express any anger toward him. I don't think I want to "punish" him, but I think that what I've needed, and still need, is to feel that I'm able to rant and rave if I need to. I think that if I felt that I could, that would eliminate the need to do so. Does that make sense to y'all? It's as though if I knew he was willing to take my anger, that would reduce my anger.<BR> The issue also came up as to my believing him. He did tell the counselor that he understood why I felt I couldn't believe him, but that I was going to have to.<BR> He showed his butt, too. He said that the only reason I wanted him to go to counselling was to humiliate him. At one point, he got up and said that he was going to walk home and if I wanted to, I could pick him up on the way home.<BR> The counselor said that if he didn't want counselling, it wouldn't help, but suggested that he might reconsider counselling to deal with his own issues--that maybe he had trouble dealing with the fact that I am so open in trying to discuss my feelings. He said that he just felt our problems were nobody else's business--that we could deal with them on our own.<BR> She also told H that he had been keeping this secret for such a long time, and that maybe he had been able to put it into the past, but that I had been repressing my anger and knowledge of it for all those years, and that it was perfectly normal for me to reached this point...that it was like a pressure cooker and that dealing with it now was like it happened yesterday.<BR> Anyway, after we left, H took my hand. When we got outside, he kissed me. We went to lunch, tended to a little business while we were in that city, and went back to work.<P> Yesterday was our son's birthday, so after work, I went to install a new CD ROM, sound card, and a couple of games in his computer as his gift. Had a minor problem with the connections, so it was about 10 pm before I got his computer up and going again. I think that we both needed time to process the counselling session. I think that H had a couple of drinks last night, but I didn't say anything about that. He knows he's not supposed to drink, but I'm not supposed to be smoking again, either.<P> At any rate, I'm feeling emotionally and physically exhausted, but I feel better, too.<BR>I NEEDED to be able to say what I feel. I think that getting it out--even though I may have repeated myself from the previous two times--frees my mind up to consider what my real anger is about. I think that it's because my H is so closed-up, which is why I don't believe he's told me the whole truth. I did tell him that, even though I might be terribly angry and hurt, I would be able to deal with any other infidelity, but that if I ever found out that he is continuing to lie to me, our marriage would be over. I told him that if he ever cheated again, our marriage would be over.<P>So, he refuses counselling, but I guess that one helpful thing is that my counselor now knows what he's like and may be better able to help me deal with the situation.

It almost seems, the way he is acting, like there is more to the story than he has let on. Once you've told a lie ( or a partial story) you might be afraid to talk about it anymore, for fear that you would slip up and say something wrong. I understand why you are having a hard time believing what he's told you- I don't think it adds up.

Hi Sweetpea,<P>I think you are going to make it. I agree with you, being able to express how you feel is important to dealing with your anger. I don't agree ranting and raving is best, that is a lovebuster! But if the counselor could help you identify and safely express yourself, and if your husband would just learn to listen and not hear - it might help tremendously. <P>I hope your husband sees your progress in counseling, and thinks it wasn't so bad after all.<P>

Sweetpea<P>I am glad you were able to kiss and hold hands after your counceling session.<BR>A little of that helps a lot.<P>He may be holding out some information on you as you suspect. A man capable of having multiple affairs.. of seeking sex outside his marriage.. may not have much inside to hold him back or stop him from surther infidelity.<BR>Once the vow is broken..and as the marital problems remain.. it may be more easily broken again at less expense to the conscience.<P>If he has more to tell.. it is very hard.. it could be bad and he still wants to protect you and his marriage from it.<BR>He is afraid some revelation may break the camels back.<BR>I myself told all.. the real ugly details of mutlipe affairs.. and they were all too casual and I also used prostitutes.<BR>I am not saying he did this.. but it is very very hard to fess up to this.. even tho to me.. the reasons I did it were the same as reasons for the affairs.. to meet my emotional need for sex when it was not met in my marriage.<P>He is lucky you are attending marriage counceling and still interested in<BR>the marriage.. rather then attending <BR>mediation for separation and divorce.<P>To encourage you tho.. who are here presumably to preserve and protect your marriage..<BR>if he is hiding information..<BR>it is most likely because he too wants <BR>to preserve and protect it too.<P>If he didn't want to stay and work on it..<BR>he could just tell all and leave.. or tell none and leave. But if he is still there.. he is a willing participant with you in marriage building.<P>I do so hope you can convince him to continue the counceling.<BR>If there is any assurances you can give him<BR>that telling all will not risk whatever he is trying to protect.. maybe that would help.. <BR>(or maybe that is a selfish this to ask)<P>Try not to resent him too much (or at least to express your resent thru damaging anger at him) if he is slow to share this information.. it is very hard to do.. I know first hand.<BR>He should tell all.. to wipe the slate clean of dishonesty between you.<P>If he hides something.. there is no threshold.. nothing to keep him from hiding ..just one more in the future...<BR>it might be harder for him to recommit.. or for you to trust that he has.<BR>It should also relieve him of the <BR>heavye weight in his conscience of the lies and help restore some damage to his self respect the affairs may have caused. heal himself..<BR>so then he can be unencombered to heal your marriage.<P>Good luck in your marriage building<P><BR> <BR>

Keep going to counseling for you. I invite (no whining, or nagging) my H each time, sometimes he comes with me, sometimes he doesn't. I'm sure he's said at least once he wouldn't go any more. This last time I asked, he said no he wasn't, I asked if he had someplace else to be, he said no very cautiously, expecting a tirade no doubt, so I said then could you pick the kids up from the orthodontist? He did.<P>Small steps.