I have tried this once before, and didn't receive any response, so I don't Know if I am posting correctly. I have never done this before. However, because of the nature of what is happening with my husband and I, I don't feel there is anyone I can talk to without making like difficult for him at work.

He has viewed pornography in the past, and I thought it was over. I recently discovered the most distrubing sites I had ever seen on our computer. He claims it was months ago, but in light of the fact that he has been e-mailing and "befriending" another female causing me concern. He claims to need this friend. I am not comfortable with it. I am justified in asking him to not e-mail her, to not meet with her outside what is needed for his job. I like the person, and don't feel she is trying to ruin our marriage. She is a Christian, and a bit needy and naive. However, the amount of time he spends with her takes away from the family. I also feel very jealous. And, and do have a major concern with the situation due to the porn sites he has viewed. He claims to have prayed about this, and feels he is doing nothing wrong. If I feel it is hurting me, and therefore our marriage, how can it not be wrong? Someone please help! I just need some advise and to know that I am not alone. I feel a little out of my leauge on this site, as he has not had a physical affair. That brings up another question. What is an emotional affair? He has been so distant from me emotionally and very close to this other female. He shares with her like we haven't shared in years. He has admitted his emotional distance and is trying to make improvement, but I don't know what to think or believe...

you are not crazy. you are posting correctly. i think you have found a good site for you situation. Have you read all about the marriage builders concepts FULLY? That helped me when I first got here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

About your question regarding an emotional affair:

You said he is distant to you emotionally and is very close to another female. I do not know the exact definition M/B gives to EA, but I think you have come pretty close to defining it.

Someone more seasoned should step in now and help you out. I am really very new here. I just didn't want you to feel alone or ignored.

Also, maybe some more info to fill in the blanks might help. How long married, ages, # of kids, just follow lead of other first time posters. When you start out you have to do a lot of reading to figure it all out.

xoxoxo

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He has viewed pornography in the past, and I thought it was over. I recently discovered the most distrubing sites I had ever seen on our computer. He claims it was months ago, but ... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are not in the wrong to be uncofortable with this alone. As a Christian, this is not acceptable. PERIOD.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> in light of the fact that he has been e-mailing and "befriending" another female causing me concern. He claims to need this friend. I am not comfortable with it. I am justified in asking him to not e-mail her, to not meet with her outside what is needed for his job. I like the person, and don't feel she is trying to ruin our marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok...this comment concerns me. You say she is not trying to ruin your marriage. Then what exactly is she trying to do??? Emotional Affairs can do two things...END, or LEAD TO A PHYSICAL AFFAIR!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She is a Christian, and a bit needy and naive. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If she is a Christian, she should understand how completely inappropriate it is for her to seek solace, for WHATEVER reason, with YOUR HUSBAND!!!!! If she needs solid Christian help, it should be from your pastor, or another WOMAN at the church. PERIOD!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> However, the amount of time he spends with her takes away from the family. I also feel very jealous. And, and do have a major concern with the situation due to the porn sites he has viewed. He claims to have prayed about this, and feels he is doing nothing wrong. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you kidding me???What part has he prayed about. The Porn??? God is not into Porn. PERIOD!!! And God will never lead someone in a direction that is counter to His will. And I seem to remember Jesus saying that adultery is not just a physical act, but the act of literally LOOKING or THINKING lustfully toward another person. What is porno but the opportunity to do just that???? And if he is saying that he has prayed about the relationship with this other woman, same deal. If he is investing emotionally in this other woman, and it is taking away from his focus on you, his committment to the family and your marriage, that is NOT of GOD. So...i don;t buy him being at peace with God on either front!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ] If I feel it is hurting me, and therefore our marriage, how can it not be wrong? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excellent question. And, one of the most important premisse of the MB principles, is the policy of joint agreement. That is, NO ONE IN THE MARRIAGE DOES ANYTHING without agreement from the other spouse. And, if I am reading you right, you are NOT cool with this new "friendship" he has.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What is an emotional affair? He has been so distant from me emotionally and very close to this other female. He shares with her like we haven't shared in years. He has admitted his emotional distance and is trying to make improvement, but I don't know what to think or believe... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is having an emotional affair right now. And, if it is not something that is important to him, than he should not have problems ending it. If it is something he is having trouble severing, than he IS too invested. In that case, I would seek counseling (the Harley's are a great source of help), assistance from your pastor, or even comfront the other woman (OW) yourself.

You have a chance to end this before it totally wrecks your marriage, leads to something physical, or to your husband thinking he is "in love."

First thing, read as much as you can on the site. The principles, about emotional affairs, pornography, etc. Then, make the investment to speak with the Harley's...they are known for helping couples get through this...and you have to ask yourself, is your marriage worth it?

My heart goes out to you. Hold tight and let more of the "seasoned" experts weigh in!

christyV,

Loved it when you replied:

Are you kidding me???What part has he prayed about. The Porn??? God is not into Porn. PERIOD!!!

just wanted you to know i chuckled out loud, for first time, by myself, in front of 'puter.

The thing about God, and His will, and His word is, it is pretty cut and dry.

And He didn't say "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart....unless you are a little lonely, or just looking but not planning on touching, or if your wife doesn't give you sexual fulfillment enough, or there is nothing to watch on TV, or the other woman really understands you."

NOOOOOOOOO...Christ himself said in Matthew Chapter 5 "27 You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.'28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole BODY TO GO TO HELL."

So if Christ is saying don't even look or THINK of other people lustfully, and if you do, than, CUT IT OUT...I am pretty sure He includes that to mean...hmmmmm....DON'T LOOK AT PORN OR THINK ABOUT GETTING TOGETHER WITH OTHER CHICS...EVEN ONE'S THAT GO TO MY CHURCH!!!!!!!

So, if He would suggest gouging out your eyes or chopping off your arms, I think He would be all for SEVERING a relationship that could be inappropriate, or PULLING THE PLUG on the good ol 'puter.

This is pretty black and white, as far as God goes! That is why I love Him so much...He makes it painfully clear for me how I should conduct myself!

So, umm...that one is not gonna fly!

Thank you sir, may I have another????

In response to questions about our family. We are both 30, our 8th anniversary is June 8. We have two daughters (a 2 year oldand an 8 week old). I love my husband very much and feel he still loves me and is just horribly misguided. That is why I want to put a stop to this before something happens.

It has been a while since I've been back to this site. My husband and I have had a lot of long, painful, yet healing discussions. He is making some major changes. I feel much more secure in the relationship. I still struggle with 100% trust. I have forgiven him, but moving on is tough. Any ideas?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is making some major changes. I feel much more secure in the relationship. I still struggle with 100% trust. I have forgiven him, but moving on is tough. Any ideas? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You will struggle with 100% trust until he has earned it from you. It's not up to you to GIVE him trust, it is up to him to EARN your trust. Your responsibility in this is to let him know what frightens you, what makes you feel unsafe, what arouses your suspicions. Then together the two of you can figure out ways in which those things can be dealt with.

Moving on is a slow process. What changes has he made? Can you give an example or two of what is tough? It may be that all you need is to keep on doing what you're doing, or it may be that you could exert your efforts more wisely.