Hi everyone. I am new here, but was recommended to me by a friend who went through something
similar. We have been M 7 yrs, and together for 11. I am 27, she is 28. First M for each of
us (high-school sweethearts). No kids. She came home on 3/26, and asked for a divorce,
completely catching me off guard. I knew we weren't living in paradise, but I had no idea
that things had deteriorated so far. I begged her to reconsider. She went to a hotel for a
couple nights to 'think about things'. After a couple days, we met for lunch. She said that
she was willing to give us another chance, but she has too much anger to live in the same
place, so she wanted to get her own apartment. We've seen each other a couple times a week to
swap our dogs. When we're together, she's generally in a decent mood, and expresses that she thinks things will work out in the end.

On her latest cell phone, I noticed the number of a male 'friend', who she first called (from
her cell phone at least) on the day she left me. She talked to him 11 times last month, each
for 2-3 minutes, which is too long for a voicemail, but not long enough for any meaningful conversation, so I'm assuming they were setting up times to meet. She is exploring a new job, and had said that this person works at the same company, and that he was just helping her prepare for the job interview. I was very suspicious, so started 'investigating'. I found the guy's address from his cell phone number, so drove by his place one late Friday night, to
find her car in his driveway. Our dogs' leashes were in the car, which means she took the
dogs, which means she had every intent of staying there overnight. She says they've 'just' kissed, but seeing as how she's lied about this person consistently in the past, I'm 99.99% sure it's sexual. OM is 48 yrs old(!), divorced. Not sure if any kids.

In retrospect, I guess I've been doing Plan A for the last 2 months, though I didn't know
about the OM through most of that time.

She says she still cares about me, and that even if we got divorced, she would want to remain
friends. Doesn't know if she still loves me. Some days, she seems willing to work on things;
other days, not so much. I told her family, as she's been ignoring them completely. They're
all on my side, and are as confused as I was when she first left (good to know, but bad because she's not getting much support from them).

When we started dating, she was about 140 lbs, was up to 300 lbs by the time we got married.
Had her stomach stapled shortly after marriage, and is now looking VERY attractive. I feel
like she used me for so long, and now that she's beautiful (though she's always been that way
in my eyes), suddenly I'm not good enough. I've always been in complete control of my
emotions, but this is pure hell. Some days I just collapse on the floor in tears. Not sleeping, and when I do, have nightmares. Have a psychiatrist appt next Tues.

Told her that I need her to stop seeing OM completely, so that we could try to fix things
(which, as I said, she is sometimes in favor of). Haven't gotten an answer on that yet, but
have written a letter that I am very close to sending her, thus starting Plan B. Terrified that that will just make it easier for her to see the OM. She's in the fog big-time. This guy is 20 years older than she is. That's fine in some cases, but she wants kids. So, before they even get to college, he's be retired, leaving her to work full time.

I've read all about the emotional needs and LBs, and I honestly believe that I am a new person
who is ready to start a new life with my wife. Of course, another thing that makes her mad is
that this is what it took for me to realize some things.

Just venting and looking for advice...

-phantom

Have you exposed the affair yet? If not, you really haven't completed Plan A.

Here's an excellent rehash of Plan A by Cerri (who is a MB trained coach):

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a stategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.

First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.

Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.

Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.

ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

(I challenge you to find anyone who has done Plan A longer than that and been successful. I define successful as the A ending, n/c promised and verified, and the couple working a good recovery plan which includes meeting needs, eliminating LBers, getting in 15 hours a week of UAT, and most importantly following POJA.)

Now, Plan B IS all about you, the betrayed partner. It's about getting you out of and away from a situation that is horribly painful and, let's face it, degrading. Plan B is taking the stance that enough is enough and that although you want the marriage to succeed you will no longer be part of a triangle. And that you care enough about the marriage to know that you need to protect the love you still have for your partner.

Now, nowhere in any of that is the idea that the faithful partner needs to make life easy and comfy for the straying spouse!! No need to bend over backwards to be a doormat. Certainly no need to be afraid to trigger guilt!! Good god!! They should feel guilty!!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Yes, I exposed the affair the day after I found out about it. She lied to me about where she had been, and I immediately called her on it. Surprisingly, I did this without any LBs.

I've told her family (who were very grateful that I did) and our mutual friends. There are several of her co-workers who I have been introduced to, but I don't know all that well. I could email them, but what is the puprose of that? Should I be hoping that they'll confront her? If they're her friends (and have probably heard the negative aspects of the marriage), can I really expect them to say anything?

All that being said, I only found out and exposed it to W and others last weekend. It feels like I've been doing Plan A for the last 2 months, since she's been gone, and I've been trying to get her back. But technically speaking, I guess I've only been doing it for the past week (a far cry from the recommended 6 months), since that's when the A was exposed.

I guess I need to stick with Plan A for another couple of months before I resort to Plan B; it just sickens me to think of them together. Except for the 2 days/week when we exchange dogs, she ignores my calls/emails altogether. Even her psychiatrist recommended that I email her once/day, and she would reply once/day. Well, the last reply I got from her was a week ago today (which was the last time we exchanged the dogs).

Thanks for the Plan A description. I've read a good bit about it, but never really saw it in that light.