i think the feelings of lonliness are really starting to settle in. not sure what to do other than pray. was kind of sad today. since i'm moving into a place of my own this weekend i had to get all the power, phone, water, etc. switched to me and when the guy gave me my new phone number it just really hit me that i'm really alone, alone in this M that is.

i don't know what to do w/my feelings of lonliness and inadequacy as a wife and as woman that maybe no man would want. i know that's not true but some days it's just harder to take then others. i feel guilty for even trying to look nice or feel attractive. why do i feel guilty? i don't know because i don't want to have guys hitting on me but i would still be nice to know at least some of them find me attractive. how can you ever really know that from a far?

well maybe this is a subject that would be best to discuss another day. i have to go, thanks for reading and prayers to you, RR

RR -- Go get your dogs!! They will help you deal with the loneliness. Any chance of your H meeting you halfway with the pups? Or you could rent a car for the weekend, and avoid being cramped in your pickup for 12 hours. A lot of rental agencies have pretty good weekend rates; just make sure you get unlimited mileage!

Stop that crazy talk about being inadequate!! You've been a great help to me and others on this board, so I know I speak for many people when I say that you are plenty adequate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

RR,

I hope you don't mind me offering up my prayers here for you. Perhaps others would be motivated to pray for you as well.

Heavenly Father, I just want to lift up my sister RoughRoad here to you this afternoon. It seems Satan is on the attack again, and our sister RoughRoad needs some support.

I just pray that she can see through the lies Satan is using to undermine her confidence, that your Holy Spirit would remind her that she is the loved creation of the Almighty Father. Satan cannot create a single thing, but can only pervert what you have made. I ask that you bind Satan to protect her from his lies.

Father, I pray that she can hear the Holy Spirit as she may be subject to temptation. I pray that she does not fall victim to the temptation of seeking approval, affection, love, or anything in the company of a man other than her husband.

Father, give her your unlimited love, so that she may be able to withstand the attacks from the evil one.

Father, I pray that truth is exposed here, both to RoughRoad and to her husband. The lies of Satan look nice on the surface, but we've seen time after time the bitter pain the cause in the soul of man.

We ask that you perfect will be done.

In the name of Jesus, Amen.

RR, I said the above prayer for you too. It is a great one.

Today, I saw this number twice: 1-800-541-pray in the cars. I just called them, there is actually live person there to pray with you. I asked to pray for my situation, all my MB friends, especially you, Believer and Lordslady. They are open 24 hours, please call them when yuo feel weak.

I will be home full time from next week, according to Wh's theory, he doesn't have to come home to take care of the kids. Then I may start plan B officailly. I will see the Pastor and pray together the coming Thursday. Let's support each other. You can call me anytime.

phantom, i know my dogs will help. unfortunately i'm pretty much financially strapped so i couldn't rent anything. any credit cards that i have go to either counseling w/SH or gas. i'm just going to approach the subject w/my H as a negotiation as SH suggested. i'm not going to demand that he bring the dogs up here or that he even meet me half way. of course, like i said, it would be nice if he would be willing to do it. i have another session w/SH today so i'll be talking more about the upcoming trip. my mom also suggested just saying to my H that now i was in a position to where i was able to have and care for the dogs and approach the subject that way. it sounds pretty good to me.

JSC/Tony, thanks for the prayer it was very good. i kind of have a feeling that part of what i'm thinking and/or feeling now is in anticipation for my trip next week. you know the subconscious is pretty powerful sometimes. now looking back on yesterday and after talking to someone last night at church, i feel satan was just laughing at me and was glad he was starting to get control again. the guy from church who's name is also tony, said (he doesn't know any details of what's going on only that i ask for prayers for my M, that i'm having a tough time, and that my H is not in the area and won't be joining me) that as long as i follow God's will that i will remain out of satan's reach and even be "slippery" when it came to satan trying to get his hands on me. that if i just continue to do what's right and do God's will that i will be given strength to get through this. of course, i know this but like i've said before just sometimes it's easier to be encouraged some days than others.

Lost, thank you for the additional prayer and i'll have to check out the prayer line you suggested. you'll be okay too and it sounds like the "plans" you've made are the right ones for you to make and we'll be here to support you. i'll email you my new address and phone number soon.

thanks again for the uplifting posts and the prayers and i wish you all the same, RR

wanted to relay the latest conversation i had w/my H, especially since there are so few of them.

i called him yesterday afternoon, used a phone card and called his cellphone and he actually answered. i think the fact he didn't know who was calling made him answer,anyway........i just said that i had a 3 day weekend coming up and was planning a trip to FL (where H and the house are)to pick up a few things and have a yard sale (both true). he said okay like "oh great" i said that i would be there about 6pm july 1st and leave first thing july 5th. he didn't really say anything so i just said "alrighty then, i'll talk to you later." and we hung up.

well not more than 20 minutes later, he calls me back and asks why i was really coming if it was really for a yard sale or was it to go over everything again like the last time. i told him that i really did need to pick up a few things, that i couldn't wear some of the clothes i have anymore, that i did want to have a yardsale, and that i needed to get some things because i would be moving into my own place this weekend. he just asked why i was getting my own place. of course i'm thinking what else am i supposed to do and what did you expect? but i just didn't say anything. he asked why i wasn't going to live w/my roommate anymore. i said that it has become very awkward (which it has) because of the nature of the R between my roommate and her now husband, they just got married this week (her husband was the OM in her R when she was M when me and my H first met her-too long of a story to get into) and that i also needed a place where i could have the dogs.

he asked how much it was, if i was renting or buying, if the yard was fenced, etc. i answered those questions and when he asked if i would be taking the dogs when i was down there, i just said i wasn't sure about that yet (i didn't want to get into this over the phone).

anyway, his main concern was and the reason he called back was because he said he couldn't do what happened the last time i was there (in march) again. in fact he said "i can't do that again." i'm thinking well i could really care less what you could and couldn't do but thankfully i new better not to say that and said that i didn't want to do that either. he asked if i could really just be there and not talk about things and if i would be able to handle it. i said yes. he asked again can you really handle it. i said yes that i believed i could and i truly knew i would be able to. he just said ok.

he said that he had been doing some stuff around the house but he didn't have the time to really show people the house so he was just going to call the real estate agent we had talked to. i didn't say anything because i'm not ready to sell the house and i'm trying to use time in my favor. he then said if that was okay w/me, i said (w/SH's blessing) that i was not in a position that i was ready for that right now. he said why not and i just said that i was still struggling that i was trying to take one day at a time. he said that don't you think it would be better to get out from under this house. i said that i didn't really know how to answer that (afterall i'm not going to tell him what my plans and motivations are).

he said if i could given him a good reason why not to put the house up for sale than it was fine w/him. i said again that i wasn't ready for that and that there are still other things to think about and there was only so much i could do from where i live w/getting the household good shipped. he asked when my wiaver for having the stuff moved was and i said september 7th, he asked if i could get another one and i said i didn't know that i hadn't really thought about it (i hadn't). but what i didn't tell him was that i was already planning a trip in august to get the household goods and it just happened to be around the OW's bday. i'm still going to plan the trip (maybe just to pick up a few more things and take the opportunity to plan A and make excuses that i needed to do some things in person at the base)but now when he suggested another waiver i'm thinking maybe i should. i've already decided in my mind that december was as long as i wanted to put off selling the house (i didn't tell him this either).

i asked if he would be able to help me w/the yard sale and he asked what day and time. he said that he would probably have to work that night but that he would help and then he just said that he would see me that morning. in other words, he would not be staying at the house at all while i was there and wouldn't even be seeing me for the first 2 days i was there! jerk <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> i pretty much expected it, almost thought he may not have even been there in the first place because he had already made plans. so i just said "like i said, i'll be there thursday night about 6-7pm and leave early on the 5th." he said to give him a call when i got into town.

i refuse to let him get the best of me. i really do need to get some things, i really do want to have a yard sale to make some money $, and i really do want to see my dogs, probably even more than i want to see him!!!! i'm going to continue to treat any relationship talk as a warzone and not to over extend my stay per SH. i'll be pleasant, matter of fact, try to wow him w/my additional weight loss and the way i look and not be dramatic.

continued prayers to all of you, RR

RR, I am so proud of you, you did such a great job. It is sad that your H doesn't want to see you, so what! Like what you said, you miss your dogs more than him.

I will pray for your safe trip.

RR, I am so proud of you, you did such a great job. It is sad that your H doesn't want to see you, so what! Like what you said, you miss your dogs more than him.

I will pray for your safe trip.

moving into my own place tomorrow and i have to leave early today to be there for the phone and cable guys. i don't have computer access on the weekend anyway but i'll be back on monday and "talk" to you all then. prayers for everyone today and throughout the weekend that God's will be done in everyone's life, especially the WS. God Bless, RR

RR. how is the move? Thinking of you the whole weekend. Hope everything is ok. Prayers for you.

I saw her today, and she seems to be doing ok. I'll let her speak for herself.

Her truck has a new change of oil, and she got her doggie fix playing with my little german shepherd puppy. (Ok, he's about 10 years old and 95#, but he still thinks he's a puppy.)

I'm sure you will hear from her tomorrow when she gets computer access at work.

Tony

ps, I think her H is a fool if he lets her get away. I didn't want to say anything there, lest she get the wrong idea, I'd spook her or something, (and I'm still standing for my W to return home.) So I'll shut up before I give anyone the wrong idea, embarass myself, etc.

Thanks Tony for your update.

I thought her dogs are in FL, unless I misunderstand what you said. I know her WH is a fool for hurting such an angel and your WW is not that smart to hurt you. Let's support each other to fight for our M.

Yeah, her puppies are still in FLA. She came over to my house for the oil change and played with my dog to help her get her dog fix.

She threw the frisbee, and maybe even the squeeky ball (slime and all, ewwww)

I checked out the truck, changed the oil, filled the washer fluid resevoir, etc.

I forgot to offer the extra BBQ grill I have. So if she tunes in, I have two BBQ grills, and she can take the charcoal grill to her new home if she wants it. I've been using my gas grill for two or three years, and both are "non-maritial" property as one I got before I married and the other was a gift.

Ok, it really is time to sleep. I'll probably wake up at 3:00AM again. This whole divorce thing has really messed up my sleep, LOL

Tony

RR,

I just took a few minutes to catch up on your post, so am responding to some of the old things, too.

First, GET THE DOGS if you can! My two have been wonderful through all this. Granted, I do have children, but they're teens (okay, one is 18 so he's technically an adult, but he's still my little boy). They have their own social lives and friends and aren't around much. It's not like taking care of little ones.

But the doggies are great! I have always believed having a dog is a little glimpse at unconditional love. Mine sleep with me most nights which at first helped me not feel that the bed was so empty.

As for wanting to be attractive, I'm guilty of that. I've always dressed nicely and worked at how I look because I want to feel feminine (and frankly, it was never anything my WH noticed or commented on).

I do find that I am doing it more now--getting my nails done, bought some new clothes, etc. I am not looking for the approval of other men. I actually just feel better when I look nice. But I guess there could be risk in my attracting attention, and I'd have to admit it might be an enjoyable little boost. But I know it's dangerous, so I don't actually strike up conversations with men, even those I know at church, etc. I have my guard up. I'm sure you do, too.

LL

lost, yes, i'm back and i'm officially moved in. i'm not settled in but i am moved in and i'm glad to be "home." i've tried not to call where i used live (w/my friend) as my home because it was temporary and it was really mine. a part of me still believes that my home is where my H is but circumstances being the way they are that is just not the case in my situation. it is so peaceful where i am as well. even though i called last week to get the cable and phone hooked up, apparently they are some problems w/finding the outside lines so i still don't have phone or cable but will call them today to try and figure out the status.

java, thanks again for helping w/the oil change, it was a lot cheaper than getting it done in town and i need to watch every penny right now.

LL,
thanks for checking up on me, i need to do the same for you but when i see how many replies you have already on your "new" thread, it's so daunting to try and catch up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> but will try and do that over the next few days. i guess a big part of me still wants my H to care enough about me to actually do something for me and bring my dogs up here. is that wrong? is that even fair? i think it is. he has a car and i have a truck that doesn't have a camper on it. i've also been the one that's gone down there in jan, feb, mar, and now june and probably august. but i guess only time will tell. i want to talk to him about it in person and it looks like i'm not going to even have but a really short time he "allows" me to have in order to help w/the yard sale.

so i'm needing some extra prayers this week that my H's heart would be softened a little bit more that some more chipping away will have occured during my visit and as always that God's will be done in my life but especially in the life of my husband.

lots to catch up on because of the weekend. prayers to all of you, RR

RR, so glad that you got your own place now. I will pray for your H's heart to be soften. Please call the prayer hot line too.

Rough!

I'm glad to hear you are moved in.

I won't focus on your H's attitude. I think he will soon realize what he is losing and if he doesn't wake up soon you will be moving on and he will regret letting that happen.

I think you are doing an excellent job and I applaud your efforts. You are not the same roughroad I met on these boards many months ago.

Take a step back and look at yourself. Look at where you are and all you have accomplished. You are amazing! You are full of goodness and your faith is unwavering.

Bask in the glory of the new Roughroad and enjoy your new house! Come on...remember this is your new beginning. Get excited about it. I'm excited for you.

I'll throw extra prayers out there for you during your July 4th trip.

thanks heroswife, as you have said to me, you are as well the a calm voice in the storm and a great and wonderful support. i'm going to really truly and honestly (enough adjectives?) not focus on my H and what he does and doesn't do while i'm there. there are so many ways to look at this situation and the pros and cons or anything and everything we do.

even though i am glad about how far i have come, BTW i did buy a pair of size 10 jeans on saturday and they fit beautifully!, as well as my spirtual walk, it's time to start trying to help others more or in other words, serve God more. i think i've been kind of wrapped up in myself and trying to get where i need to be and now i think God is trying to tell me that now it's time to start doing for him no matter what reluctances i have. i have been praying for awhile for God to show me where he would have me serve, even though i haven't felt a specific burden, i have tried to take hold of the opportunities as they present themselves. i volunteered to help set up a ice-cream social activity at church last week and helped serve and cleaned up. last night i volunteered to help in VBS which is in august, something i've never done before, and i'm going to see what i can do w/our servicemen's center for those single military women that come in and maybe i can help in that way.

i'm not saying this to brag on what i'm doing only that i am still learning and this is still a process. as you know i don't have any family here, i'm really not close to the roommate i had and kind of glad (she just married the OM in her life), my only other close friend i had will be moving to the D.C. area the end of july. i don't have kids so i need to start getting busy for others. again, i'm not saying you're not or that i'm better only that i still have tons of room for improvement and feel that God is speaking to me more in this area now.

very unfortunate about not having a good church home. i've moved around all my life and i do know how that feels, evenutally in each area (even Korea) i was able to find somewhere that i could at least attend a church I knew was Bible believing. was your church family that you keep in contact not able to give you a name of a church near you that you could go to? or did you go and it wasn't all it was cracked up to be? there are lots of resources to finding a church home, one that would pleasing to God. email me if you want and we could talk about it more away from here. my email is chewey75@hotmail.com if not that is okay too, you are just such a wonderful giving person and i just want you to have all the support you need and you could also support others too.

praying for you as you do for me, RR

well thought i would relay one more tidbit before i head out. i called my H last night and left a VM saying that i would need some help getting things from the attic and would like to talk about some things about this house and if he could set some time aside for that i would appreciate it. my motive for calling was trying to find out more exactly how much time and/or contact i was going to have w/him and see if i couldn't increase that. his cell phone was on call forwarding by the way, first time i've ever seen that. whatever <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

i wasn't expecting a reply and he did call me back. asks what i need from the attic (meaning he could get the things out ahead of time without me having to be there, which is true but not what my goal was). i named something but said i didn't really know what was up there and would have to look. he reminded me again that he would be at the house about 0730 saturday morning to help. i asked about how long he could stay because if i didn't sell some of the things at the yard sale then i would need his help in putting things back in the truck. i had even mentioned on the last VM that i could post pone the yard sale in sunday if i needed to.

he said that he could probably stay until 1pm but he had to work that night but he took the morning off for me to help out. but since it was july 4th he was pretty much tied up the rest of the weekend. i was kind of crushed a little and bitter, that the man that i have spent the last 11 years of my life with and young years at that, whom i haven't seen in 3 months and had little contact w/me, would in fact just be allowing me 5 hours of his time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> while i'm there. i didn't say anything and there was a pause, he then asked if everything was okay. i just said yea, thank you, and would talk to him later.

almost glad i wasn't able to post here last night about the conversation. but i prayed before i went to be that God would take away my bitterness about the situation and that i would still be able to use this very short time on saturday to show amy H again that i have changed (inside and out), and that his heart would be softened and be receptive to me. ultimately i know i can't really talk about this w/him (the little time he's allowing me to have w/him) and that i can't control him. i can't ask questions about what did he expect me to do at this point, was i not supposed to get a place of my own and what did he thing i was going to do after he finally got the guts to tell me about the A, which he never did, i found out and confronted him.

another reality is now that say i talk to him about bringing the dogs up here to me and he doesn't go for that and i bring them up here w/me, then why does he even need to stay at the house at all? but i honestly just can live w/myself knowing that my dogs aren't getting the attention they deserve and probably feel abandoned by me. i moved into a new place so that i can have them and now i need to get them. don't get me wrong, i'm not going to make any demands, i'll treat it like a negotiation but in the end the dogs will be coming here.

like has said before, sometimes the WS and the OP need to spend a lot of time together so that they can get some reality checks, etc. and i've have always tried to be realistic in this and keeping in back of my mind that they might move in together, but it still hurts and tugs at you none the less. but i know that there are many people who are going through things a lot worse than i am and i just need to keep doing what i can despite of everything and pray for my situation as well as others.

don't know if i will be posting while i'm gone, we do have a computer at the house but i don't know if i will have the energy to post if you get what i mean. if i don't it will take me a few days to get caught up when i get back to work (july 6th) but don't worry about me JUST PRAY THAT GOD'S WILL BE DONE IN MY SITUATION. prayers to all of you, RR

Safe travels, RR. I'll be thinking of, and praying for, you.

I know what you mean about them spending time together. It's so painful to think of them together, but look at it this way: the more time they spend, the more opportunities for the OW to commit LBs (and vice versa). At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

Whatever you do, don't let him talk you out of taking the dogs. You need them, and they will help you through this process.