My wife and I have been together for 7 years and married 5. No affairs by either. She suddenly has distanced somewhat from me at a time coinciding with meeting a new friend in a class in nighttime masters program. She first claimed that she had met a guy who is "really cool, new to the area and looking for friends." He is pursuing his masters in education (as is my wife) and they also have many other common interests as well as some "spiritual connections" as he seems to be really grounded and a good listener. She really wants me to meet him as she feels that we could be great friends. They have been spending a lot of time after class talking about life, relationships, etc. Now they sometimes email and he calls her at home and they spent the afternoon playing tennis while I work. Now the problem: She duddenly has found that she wants more from our relationship and we are pursuing emergency therapy. Last night she mentioned the possibility of divorce which was shocking and scary. She claims that her new freind is only a friend and she loves me and wants to work this out. I feel like her tennis afternoon was a "date" yet I really believe nothing more is going on at this point. I am scared and angry. I really have no interest in meeting this guy, but she can't seem to stop taking about him. She claims they are only friends and she wants more "high quality" friendships. I really can't argue with that, yet I cannot help but feel that this realtionship is leading to ours failing. Is is unreasonable of me to not want her to hand out with a "male" friend who she connnects with on a "spiritual level?" I feel like she is having an affair without sex. Where do I draw the line of boundaries of friends of the opposite sex in our marriage?

Thank you for your input and support.

Welcome to MB. Have you read the Emotional Needs Section, Plan A, Plan B, and all the stuff about affairs on this site?

You are correct. Your wife is having an affair, an Emotional Affair, and affair without the physical sex. It is most insidious, treacherous and dangerous, even more so (in my opinion) than a physical affair.

Handling something like this is tricky. The one having the "friendship" really doesn't believe they are doing anything wrong with their opposite sex friendship. THat your wife isn't hiding the friendship, that she wants you to meet her new spiritual friend, underscores her ignorance of the danger.

I went through a similar situation with my H, and it destroyed our marriage. We are still living in the same house, but there is zero physical contact of any kind between us any more, even the most innocuous touching. I sleep in another room. We have a son in high school, and I just want to keep a stable intact home for him so that he can get through high school and into college.

Honestly, your wife has no idea of the danger she is doing to your marriage. And you can't educate her about it. She will see that as an attempt to control her, as a condescension.

Before you do anything really crazy, like issue an ultimatum, familiarize yourself with the MB site. Make some friends here for support.

Good luck.

Time to get hold of a copy of HNHN and get the EN section done...really quickly!

Dingermaggie,

I’m sorry you have to deal with this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I’ve recognized many “red flags” while reading your post. Your instincts are correct – your W’s involvement IS an affair without sex and will eventually lead to the failure of your M if it continues BECAUSE it take important emotional energy away from your M… The OM fills some emotional needs of your W and currently he’s putting large deposits of ‘love units’ into her ‘love bank’. If this friendship continues the way it currently does, the love bank will reach a threshold where romantic love for the OM will be triggered and vica versa… Often one of the FIRST warning signs in a friendship is the words: “We’re only friends”. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Your wife is definitely involved in an EA without realizing it. She has already connected with the OM on spiritual, mental AND emotional level and that is very, very dangerous and inappropriate… Your W is on a very thin slippery slope. I was also involved in an inappropriate friendship myself, so I know what I’m talking about (read my signature line). I often wish I have known all the things I have learned on this website (about EA's etc.) before I've became closely involved with a male friend. Personally I don’t believe in close opposite sex friendships between married people anymore... I still have male friends, but only if the person is a friend or married couple of both me and my H where both me and my H can share time with the person. Please read this thread. I think it is especially dangerous and inappropriate if your W have ‘dates’ (tennis dates etc.) with this same person all the time. Why can't she seek THE SAME sex friends instead to connect with spiritually? Please get hold of the book “Not Just Friends” written by Shirley Glass and get you W to read that book as soon as possible.

<small>[ May 28, 2004, 08:06 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

Dinger, my W went this same route. Magic word was "spiritual connection". Once she said that I knew we were in trouble. I was paralyzed to do anything and it eventually led to a PA. Now 2 1/2 yrs later I am still fighting her about the EA that continues. Start doing some spying. Check cell phone records, e-mail content and anything else that may give you some clues and hard evidence that it has gone beyond normal friendship. Don't panic but make this your only priority right now. You need to handle all of this very carefully. No you can't educate her and I agree with you not wanting to meet this guy. It will only give the relationship more credibility that she desperately wants. Make it difficult for her to explain to people that she has tennis dates. If he becomes your friend she will be able to rationalize those dates more easily. This won't die by ignoring it. Take her up on her offer to work on your marriage though. That is an excellent offer. Don't get lulled to sleep here, this isn't dead until he's out of her life completely.

DM,

I just want to say This Really Sucks™. You must be in an incredible amount of pain and you have my prayers and thoughts.

Your W has a very serious condition. Your sincerity will not lend effectiveness to your emotional impulses. You need to look at things analytically and act based on known, successful strategies.

Imagine a surgeon working to save the life of his beloved son. He is passionate about his goal, emotionally fused to the situation; but he knows that (1.) he must understand the grave reality at hand; (2.) he must use proven methods based on scientific fact to save him. His emotions will be the worst indicator of how to make decisions.

You should realize her so-called desire to work on the marriage could be an attempt to end the marriage with dignity. Her (essentially stated) desire is for you to compete and outdo her "friend." You won't be able to do that because her criteria is based not on rationalism but emotions. She may be going through the motions so she can say "I tried." I think her honesty about her friendship is an attempt to legitimize what her conscience tells her is illegitimate.

Be sure to read the resources to which everyone is referring you.

May God richly bless you and your wife in unity.

Jg

<small>[ May 28, 2004, 01:49 PM: Message edited by: john_g ]</small>

Bump.

Dingermaggie, I just wonder why you’ve disappeared. Could anything we’ve posted be of some help or insight to you? Keep posting and seek support – it helps.

I pray for you and hope things will work out for you and your W,
Suzet