i'm almost at a loss as to what to say to you but i know i have to speak up. i'm hoping others will join in too.

I am referring to:

1. why are YOU participating in private emails between you and pal when this support board is here and is specifically designed to help save marriages.

2. why did YOU reply to pal's husband, renewingdeeplove, as if you were not the person he is specifically worried about???

when i saw his first post:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> hello to anyone with advice,
it's been some time since my last post and any replies. i'm concerned about my W emailing with another WS about "stuff" concerning the A. she says it's part of her process and she tells him things she can't tell me. maybe i'm paranoid but how do we move forward if there are still secrets being kept? i don't want to push or smother her, but i don't know how to deal with this. she says she is here to stay and much wiser than before. she will never be vulnerable to anyone again. but as long as she opens up to anyone else but me how will i know the truth? any advice anyone has would be appreciated as many of you have been here before.
thank you so much,RDL
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i wondered if it might be you.

when i saw your reply:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hey, man, I totally understand your suspicions, but you don't have to sweat it too much. In a situation like we are all in, sometimes we all just need an outlet to let off some steam and vent and say things we don't always mean and want to get some feedback. I'm sure you have sat back and spoken to some people about your situaion and you did not go back and tell your W everything you said during the conversation and W did not freak out on you, right? Let her tell you who she is chatting with. That might not be a big deal.

Remember, all of us here are so hurt, even the WS, that the last thing any of US want to do is get involved with someone else again!

I am telling you straight on, I am a FWS and a chick can come on to me right now, and bring on the whole "mac flurry" of sex talk and sexual devices and strip naked and beg me to bang her, and I am running the other way! I think a lot of other WS are the same way. We are looking to recover, we're not looking for the "next victim" or whatever. We want to heal.

If we are here, we want to make things work, fast, painlessly. More importantly, we want to help others and "give back" and equal amount of what we have "taken."

Your W is hurt. She is confused. She is letting off steam. The internet has changed lives. She has a friend she'll probably never meet. Sometimes that can be the best friend in the world. The friend has a special kind of advice to offer because there is no personal stake in the matter.

I have chatted with your W here. She is smart and clever and interested in YOU. She is interested in making the Marriage work. The last thing your W is doing is chatting with someone just in hopes that is might lead somewhere romantic or whatever. She is gathering tools to build your M. And I --- and others --- are here to help her and you in any way we can.

Best of luck to both of you, my friends.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i was even more sure it must of be you.
(and i have to tell you, re-reading your response to him, now that i realize it really is you he is concerned about, totally turns my stomach!!!)

but the most important question is, now that you know how it is impacting him, a H that is trying to recover from an A:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> whitenight1, i never was concerned about the intentions of the emails you two share, just the fact that she gets to unload some of her burden to you and i am left to guess and wonder what else she needs to let out. i'm still here and looking for anything to help me through this. if emailing you is helping her then i should be glad about it. but it is hard to heal when i know she has more to say but can't say it to me. as for me telling anyone about our situation, i have not told anyone. the only ones i speak to about this are the very few that already knew. besides, i would not and have not spoken badly of her to anyone. she has nothing to fear from my talking to others about this. i however, am still a raw nerve, and get concerned that i'm missing pieces to this puzzle that i need for healing. meanwhile, i'll be patient for her to open up to me with whatever is on her mind. deep down she knows it's the only way we can eventually heal the hurt and grow beyond the past and be better than before. i cannot push her to this or i would risk smothering her, and that would be bad. patience is a virtue.
speaking of patience, when do you drop the weight you are carrying and tell your W the truth?
better to hear it from you than from OW or OWH or someone else close to the situation. perhaps after that takes place your point of view may change a little. your W will be where i am now and will be looking to you for answers. think about it awhile. thanks for the responce and pray for strength and guidance and God's will.
once again, thank you all!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">how will you respond now???

to see topic that i am referring to look at
PAL-H-ready to chat now-more later

My FWH confiding in my "best friend" instead of me is one of the most important mistakes those two made that lead to the PA. Because that, my friends, was the beginning of the EA.

Friendship between a man a woman is a very slippery slope. Read "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

SS

Bravo FL!

I posted to RDL about this before I saw your thread. I didn't know what to say either, and I saw red flags before their absence from the MB board. During the absence, I suspected they were corresponding privately and I silently prayed that PAL's BH was aware of it and had access to ALL correspondence between them.

I felt sick when I read WK's response to PAL's BH.

I have to go....will you call this sitch to the attention of the wise and experienced MBers? I think PAL's BH could use the "calvary" with this one!

Take care FL

When I read RDL's post I knew he knew that PAL and I e-mailed each other once in a blue moon. NOT VERY OFTEN!!!!!!

So I DID NOT THINK HIS POST WAS ABOUT ME.

I honestly assumed she was e-mailing with someone else.

I knew that she and I never wrote about anything too fascinating, so I assumed that whoever her other friend was --- it was probably the same type of deal. Just a friend to chat to here and there.

Remember, he even mentioned in his own post that he was not bothered by our private e-mails.

So there you have it. The subject shuld be dropped right here. I can't imagine him suggesting that he was worried about ME, or he would NOT have written what he wote to me, and he could have easily mentioned me, and he could have easily wrote directly to me. I am not difficult to reach.

Once again, I assumed he wanted advice about what to do about SOMEONE ELSE she is communicating with.

OH! And by the way, none of us have heard from RDL or PAL yet, so before anyone else shakes there head so much at me that their head might fall off and roll away, let's wait and find out if it is indeed ME he was referring to! Let's not jump to conclusions! I am as curious if I'm the guilty party as anyone else here.

Let's all chill until we find out the facts, ok?

Right now I will ASSUME I am the one, but I might be wrong. We might all be wrong. Let's wait to hear from RDL or PAL and find out.

<small>[ May 27, 2004, 11:15 PM: Message edited by: whiteknight1 ]</small>

I, of all people, will not come in here swinging a 2x4... 'guilty' or no.

I think many here believe that the type of sharing PAL is doing with you (and others) instead of her H) is inappropriate. Regardless of the content there is an intimacy and a bond being formed. The only real intimate bond PAL, you, I (or anyone else here for that matter) should be truly focused on is the one with our own spouses.

I happen to be one of the ones that think that, but I don't believe anyone needs to be crucified for it. Regardless of wether WK1 is the FWS in question or not is hardly the point, ergo no blame needs to be laid nor public flogging enacted.

Only eyes opened and behaviours modified.

dewt

dewt:

Excellent point. Our intimacy needs to be focused on our spouses. No doubt about that.

It is a sticky situation we are all in, however. After all, wouldn't we all be "allowed" to be friends if we met in another forum?

Whiteknight -

You are "allowed" to do whatever you darn well please, whether in this forum or any other.

HOWEVER, the people in this forum have experienced the pain firsthand that can inadvertantly flourish in the types of "friedship" you are talking about.

Ah, how many times I heard that statement from FWH and OW! "Nothing is going on. We're just friends. We are just friends sharing open and honest communication." <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

My family was almost destroyed. My H had a mental breakdown and almost went insane.

I think our point is, it is dangerous. Why create such a situation? Knowing what we all know. Why do it? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

PLEASE read the book I referenced in my last post. A real eye-opener.

You can do whatever you want here. It is your CHOICE. Everything in your life is your CHOICE. We are not babysitters. We see red flags and we are saying something about them, because we all lived through situations where we did nothing about those red flags (both BS and WS) and have paid dearly. For us not to call you on them would be . . . neglectful? Untrue? Ignoring an elephant sitting in the living room with us, watching TV?

I don't know the right analogy. It would just be not good, me thinks.

SS

Thanks, Spider:

I'll be taking your words to the bank tomorrow and cashing them. They certainly have value.

Thanks!

wk

wk,

I don't know you well enough to crucify you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Here's what I do know. I know of at least 3 cases on this board where EAs and PAs have begun between folks who communicted off board during the vulnerable times of their marriage. As you say....they won't be the first or the last...but in an enviroment like this one where we are faced everyday with the often tragic affect of affairs....it's hard to sit by and watch when you see two really vulnerable people trying to "help" each other. What you feel like you need right now is someone who is exactly where you are....I understand that. But that's not what you need if you want to actually make it through the affair withdrawal....in fact, it's the opposite.

Affairs occur in the first place because vulnerable people fail to put up the kind of boundaries that protect their marriages. You say you'd not EVEN condider another affair...and yet, you've still got really lousy boundaries. When you share your most intimate thoughts with someone other than your spouse (yes even if those things would hurt your spouse to hear) and especiall if you do it with someone of the opposite sex who is also vulnerable...you are playing with fire.

I read your other post about the continual/obsessive thoughts you have about sex with the OW. Sure, that's something that will take a while to get past....but it still tells me that you're doing way too much thinking with the "little head". And as long as you are....you won't be a kosher email friend no matter what your intent is. You didn't "intend" to have an affair....it doesn't happen that way. If you really learned something from this experience....then apply what you've learned to your life. That's the difference between knowlege and wisdom.

star*fish:

I appreciate your consideration, but haven't you noticed --- no one needs to know me very well to crucify me here. I've got so many holes in me, I've gotta stay away from mice. I look like swiss cheese! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Anyway, your advice is well taken. The boundaries are up! I'm surrounded by walls and bridges.

Sir Cheese, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Guess it's time to fill in some of those holes eh? LOL. So tell me, how close do you think you are to being able to tell your wife about what's going on? My biggest concern is that she'll discover the truth before you can.

Remember that what you used to believe were safe boundaries in your marriage....are probably not adequate (having been tested) so explore a little about what better boundaries might look like.

I'm glad you're here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Might not always look like it...but I think alot of folks are guarding your back (not back stabbing you) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

WK1:

star*fish makes an excellent point.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Guess it's time to fill in some of those holes eh? LOL. So tell me, how close do you think you are to being able to tell your wife about what's going on? My biggest concern is that she'll discover the truth before you can. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I discovered my W's A by reading her journal. Looking back, I've thought it would have been easier if she had told me. Maybe it would have, maybe not. But the fact that I had to discover it, has made it harder for me.

I've been quoted as saying, "there's no good way to die." Kind of seems analogous that there's no good way to find out about a Spouse's Affair. Why not tell her now so that you can both begin to heal? As she's been so good to you and she deserves better than you (as you yourself have said), doesn't she deserve to know. The longer you wait, the harder it is to tell and the more painful it becomes for the BS to deal with. If she's as good as you say she is, she'll stay with you and work it out (in fact the statistic lean that way as well). Yes, it will be painful, but the love you share will help the both of you to grow and overcome this tragic situation. Good luck to you BOTH!

wk,

Wanted to respond to you. Can't find which thread was posted to you and that you responded that you couldn't believe ow was so evil, or what ever made her turn evil.

Fact is WK, you are still in the fog. You can't believe ow is so evil. Guess what? You did not know ow. You were living in lala land with her. Fantasy world, so to speak. Now you know how she is. Who she really is. Evil. Can we say this again? EVIL.

Accept it.

I bet anyone five dollars that if you tell you BS what has happened that she will perhaps do a 180 on you and your SF will be with your wife like you never imagined. That is, after the shock, anger, hurt, etc.

Get over yourself. ow is, and was, evil from the get go. You are still in the fog. How could she? Well, look at the toll this is taking on you physically and mentally, not to mention legally.

Would someone who loved you put you thru the legal and emotional rigamaroe that you have been going thru?

As long as you have not confessed to your wife what happened, and since your wife was not meeting you SF needs, how can she until you tell her what has happened? How can your BS help you and change until she knows what is up with you?

I believe you can have the best, if you only CONFESS.

Sorry for the 2x4. Not. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M