Today I am struggling. I am missing the OW. I try not to think about her but she is everywhere I am. Every song on the radio reminds me of her. I finally shut it off. I called my brother in-law three times today just to talk to get my mind off her.

I know the A was a mistake, but that cant change the way I feel for her. I am trying to focus on my W. Talking with her is going really well. We are communicating better than ever before, but I still feel so empty. I hope it is just withdraw and it will pass but I still struggle.

I did some thinking today and wonder about an A in general. I know everybody says an A is nothing but a fantacy, the A only shows people the good in a realationship not the bad. Well is this not the same as you feel before you get M? I mean generally you dont live with the OP before you are married, you dont have any finacial responsiblities. I feel that had I been single there is no questions that I would have M the OW. I am not disputing that an A is wrong and is a mistake. I am only saying that had I been single it would have not been an A, it would have been an engagment.


I hope not to offend anyone, just would like others opinions.
Thanks

RLL,

Here's the point you made:

You feel about the OW the way you felt about your W before your M...? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So what would be the difference with OW...wouldn't you ultimately have the same problem you have now....(with OW if you M'ed her?)

Blessings,
Atruheart
P.S the before M~~~ courting is very excitine and fun.....it's after M...when the work begins.

May be that is why you find OW so much in your mind. WORK WITH YOUR M and renew that "feeling of courtship"..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yup to what AT said. I've told many other WS's that what I came to understand was just that - that OM and I could indeed have worked out our differences and made a marriage work - but then if that were true, then so could my H and I. And H and I would not have all the other 'stuff' that goes along with divorce and shuffling children back and forth.

You're still talking about how all of this 'feels'. It 'feels' hopeless, it 'feels' like you'll never be 'in love' with your wife again - etc etc etc.. Feelings change - feelings can BE changed. I don't feel much of anything anymore when I think about, or see, the OM. Because I am happily married. If I were miserable would I feel the same way? No, I'd probably pine away at what could have been or I'd start fantasizing about someone new. But I chose to remain married and commited to my marriage - and I'm VERY happy with that choice.

I actually decided, about the same time I decided to make the committment to my marriage - that I was also going to commit to happiness. I can choose to be happy - and I did. That made recovery a heck of a lot easier.

<small>[ May 27, 2004, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: hope4future ]</small>

When I was single I considered married people off the market. There was no way I would trust my future with someone who chased after a married woman. It just shows how little respect and integrity they had for marriage right from the start.

If you were single and looking for a lifelong mate, wouldn't you want someone who could respect the vows of others? The fact is, your wife and the OW are very different even if you were all single and you could choose all over again. Your wife doesn't chase after married men, OW does. Go for the woman with integrity.

Make a list of those sweet things you like about your wife and read it when thoughts of OW are intruding. Go to TMCM's garage for some great tools on getting over OP. I'm so glad you're here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I see where you are coming from, but the situation determines the fantasy parameters.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RLL1026:
<strong> I know everybody says an A is nothing but a fantacy, the A only shows people the good in a realationship not the bad. Well is this not the same as you feel before you get M?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Before you get married, you are engaging in courtship, with the idea of marriage being one of the possibilities. Yes, there are many feelings felt during this time and many of those same feelings can be felt in an affair.

The feelings are real, or at least as real as emotions can be.

But the first scenario is based in real life, with a real decision to be made: Do I love this person enough to marry her? Are we compatible? Do we complete each other? Can we go the distance? Are these feelings I have enough to devote my life to her?

When you go down the road of an affair, though, the environment is not "free" to these possibilities. Generally, a married person involved in an affair is seeking something, usually happiness of some sort (emotional, sexual, etc...) They find this need filled, but it is done in secrecy, far different from the relationship with the marital partner, which was conducted in the cold light of day with real life interactions at many points.

The "love" between these two people in an affair, while it might feel similar to the love one felt for their spouse while dating, is really quite different. In this case, the "love" springs from a need being met. The questions are you asked yourself when dating your wife are nowhere to be found. There is rarely thought to where the affair will lead. It is a "now" type of relationship. It isn't very realistic.

Often when the affair partner stops meeting the need, then the relationship dissolves. It is like a sand castle built too near the water. If given the chance, the tide (reality) will reveal its weakness and sweep the castle out to sea.

You might say, well, when my wife stopped meeting my needs and I stopped meeting hers, our relationship dissolved.

Right. But ask yourself which of these two women are a better partner for your life: the one who you carefully selected from a position of strength, or the one who met a neglected need during a position of weakness?

The strong survive. Even strong relationships are tested and rebuild. Your marriage can survive this.

I hope you'll continue to give it a chance.

~ Snow

ATR

I am trying to see that I felt the same way about my W as I did with OW. Maybe this is where the fog comes into play. What scares me is I dont remember feeling this way about my W. We talked a lot during our senior year of high school. We dated for about three months before we were pregnant. Three months later we were M. I want to believe I felt this way for her and it is just fog talk.

H4F

I want my W and I to work. I do think it would be a lot easier for us to work than the OW. I am trying and she has made great improvements, not to mention the fact she L's me enough to take me back!

Loy

It was me who pursued a M women, not her. I am the one the crossed the line, I did this to her family and mine. I will take the advise and take the time tomorrow to write down what I like about her.


Snow

Again I hope it is fog/withdraw but I dont remember asking those questions while dating my W. I'm sure we are not like most and we have overcome a lot. The problem was I did however ask myself those questions about the OW. I hope our M will survive this.

Thanks all of you for your suggestions, they are greatly appreciated!

If I read correctly, you have a child with your wife. You have a past with her. You have a future with her and your child. Do you want to divorce your wife, marry the OW and cause your child to be a visitor in your home with your new wife who will NOT treat the child as your wife would?!? Would you put your child into the care of someone who will most likely come to RESENT having to care for them? Can you do that with a clear conscience? As a betrayed wife, I can tell you that I have NEVER experienced the pain that my husband's affair caused me and my children ever before. It has caused me to doubt myself in a lot of areas. I have insecurities that I never had before. I felt unattractive. I felt abandoned. I felt like a fool! Do you want your wife to keep going through that sort of thing? Surely not. Surely you are better than that. Surely you will not allow yourself to be ruled by your emotions and throw your responsibilities as a husband and father by the wayside so that YOU can have what YOU WANT, no matter what it does to those who love you and have come to depend upon you.

My friend, did you mean your marriage vows, or were they just words? You are standing at a crossroads right now. You have a choice to make. You and your wife could be entering the most satisfying and exciting phase of your lives together thus far, or you can choose to compound your wrongs by continuing to pursue this other married woman, and continue to bring pain to your own family AND to hers. Had her husband ever done anything to you that would cause you to hurt him this way, or are you going to hurt an innocent bystander like the victim in a drive-by shooting?

I'm not trying to beat you up, just trying to cut through the fog!!!!!

Don't do this to your wife and to yourself. When you look into the mirror, I hope that someday, you can think back and feel good about yourself because you took the nobler, higher path.

I shall now get down off of my soapbox.

These questions you're struggling with I have struggled with myself. I can guarantee you I never felt for my H the way I felt for OM - AT THE TIME (clarification ESPECIALLY for my H's sake!!!). I felt passionate, lustful, giddy, TONS of butterflies. I remember having had crushes in the past, but because I knew the OM for many years and felt like I knew his soul - I was head over heels 'in love', no question.

I examined all that with an electron microscope, R11. This is what I came up with. OF COURSE I didn't feel that way for H - I was 19 years old and extremely shy about my sexuality. Something about getting to be older tends to wake up things in many women. The passion and lust wasn't something I felt BECAUSE of him - it's something that was buried inside and combined with depression, pain, and the exhileration of the forbidden - it finally surfaced. I had lustful thoughts about the OM - now I have lustful thoughts about and with my H. There insn't the thrill of the forbidden - because we're allowed! But there also isn't the gut wrenching guilt caused by a concience that knows better. I'm likin this MUCH better.

As for feeling 'in love' - well, that's been explained over and over on this board and many more. It's a chemical reaction that happens with the right circumstances - not the right person. Much like I don't remember ever being in love with my first boyfriend - I remember believing I was at the time. My mentor tells me she doesn't remember having been in love with her first husband - but she's positive she was at one time. When the wash of 'in love' passes - attachment sets in. If we break that attachment - our brain begins to forget why we were together. If you stick around long enough and give it a chance - I'll bet you'll re-form that attachment with your wife and start to remember your love for her again. I know I've heard it over and over that WS's have told their spouses they don't believe they ever loved them - only to think differently when the healing begins. I know I did. I HATED my husband, had NO respect for him, NEVER remembered having loved him, BARELY remembered having liked him. He's my world now. I absolutely, head over heals, adore him.

I know you're scared and doubtful. So is your wife. But give it a chance. You will NEVER regret trying.

Marie
You are correct that I do have a child with my W. I have two. They mean the world to me. What I am feeling and thinking is not to be with the OW. She is out of my life forever. She wants nothing to do with me, and out of L I will respect her decision, it is for the best. I am here trying to work on my M. I am here taking it one day at a time. I had thought about how the OW would treat my kids and know there would have never been a problem. She L'ed them as I do. What I worry about is the feelings for my W. I want us to be happy. I want it to work. I just fear that my feelings for her will not change.

H4F

I hope that I too will feel the same as you do. It is good to know there are people that have been were I am and end up as happy as you.

thanks for your encouraging words.