You mentioned this on suf's thread:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> and the field of marital repair though difficult and painful...
is no where equal to the field of marital repair where there is infidelity....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wanted to just comment on this statement. It has been my very strange experience <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> with mentoring folks for Penny in the last six months...that one of the things I honestly believed to be true...has not really panned out the way I expected it to. Infidelity is indeed the most "painful" but what I have discovered is that it doesn't seem as "difficult" to recover from as true neglect and (sometimes) abuse. I don't think I really expected that. Remember that article Harley wrote about "Why Women Leave Men"? I realize now...that he knew this all along. Women more often than not...leave men because they feel neglected...even with abuse or infidelity...they rarely leave. This has been shocking to me to see it actually presented. I seem to have not much more success convincing a wife to forgive an affair....but it is next to impossible to turn around a wife who's husband has been "controlling" or endlessly neglectful. Once those spouses check out....getting them to reconsider is very very hard.

Penny has expressed this same dynamic to me...she'd much rather deal with folks involved in infidelity than the one's who aren't...that they are more receptive to coaching. Isn't that bizarre?

star...

could it be a couple things...

1. that the affair is a specific starting point with specific issues...that segways and addresses all the other issues...unmet emotional needs...neglect...etc....

2. that the role of being controlled....that there is some onus of responsibility....strong healthy people know that they can not be controlled without their own consent....
people who are controlled or "feel" controlled must wrestle and address more their own role in that aspect...and that getting healthy is perhaps accomplished by leaving the controller...simply staking the claim...I can't change the controller but I sure as heck can change my role in that equasion....

3. that the act of an affair...while the BS plays a role in the state of marriage...is in no way responsible for the actions of the WS ACTS of infidelity....so that while facing issues that make and build a healthier marriage seem more doable ...since they remain guiltless of ACTIONS of infidelity...
they can see a light at the end of the tunnel in rebuilding...

some issues are hard to address and often we don't here.....

even the fact that some people have made really poor choices for a spouse...with warning signs present long before anyone walked down the aisle...and that while it does no good to lay blame on that issue....
It is one worth visiting for a person to see where perhaps they could have and SHOULD have made different choices.....but not something we commonly do here...

ARK

I completely agree ark with all that you have written. I can, as you have "logically" explain this reaction. So why am I still surprised by it? LOL! It will continue to baffle me on an emotional level because it is contrary to what people say. How many times have you heard someone say..."if my spouse had an affair....." but the truth is...it's not the affair it's the neglect they can't withstand. In the end...I suppose an affair is far more understandable than emotional withdrawal...at least it has some purpose and a clearer explanation...which makes sense. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think I am the example of what you are talking about. Right now my most painful experience is not his A, but the inconsiderate, thoughtfulless, disrepectful, neglected disappearance. He had some sign like this before the A, but not as serve like this. I was not happy about it, but did not identify it and did not know how to deal with it.

If this behavior continues, I don't see any hope in my M. I am done with it.