If anyone has read my threads here then you will know that I'm 42, h is 45 and we've been married for 23 years, 24 in July. We have a son who is 23 and a daughter that is 18 and will be graduating this weekend. I want you, the BS, to read this maybe in hopes of making you understand a little bit about your WS. Our church is having a special service Sunday night for the graduates and the parents were asked to write a letter to their son/daughter and to gather some pictures to show on a slide projector. Writing that letter and looking through all the pictures of our lives over the last 24 years was quite an emotional experience. Thankfully I had the house to myself and the privacy to just totally bawl my eyes out. I was crying over everything I suppose, that our kids are no longer "kids" for one. Looking at those pictures and wishing that I could go back before all of this mess that I have put us through over the last year. I would give absolutely anything to be able to undo what I've done. I know that we all have to pick up the pieces and start anew but I have never felt such regret as I did thinking back over the years and years of memories and looking at those pictures.

I know that as the BS you have been hurt badly but please know that your WS would do anything to undo what has been done but is totally powerless to do so. That regret is one that we will have to live with.

I do ask for your prayers. I am the "emotional" type anyway and this week have been very emotional as you can tell. I don't want to totally lose it at the ceremony Saturday morning and embarass my daughter <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> one last time in front of her entire Senior class <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !!

It is good that you feel regret for what you did and it sounds like you were able to save your M and family. Unfortunately, not all WS's feel that regret and try to make the marriage better which is even worse for us BS's. Something like this rocks you to your core and makes you question everything in your life. It is good to hear when things do work out and I wish you and your H years of happiness ahead.

I think your post was most considerate.
Also I think crying is allowed at such ceremonies and if you do cry (which I know I would), keep in mind no one needs to know if they are sad tears of regrets mixed in the emotions.
In fact, I wouldn't muddy the sentiment. You are proud of your children, happy for the memories and a tear during a graduation ceremony need not be explained.
Hope you cherish the moment in celebration of your daughters graduation. Its great stuff. There is still joy in our lives even when we have to deal with A's. Take time to enjoy the moment.

kloe...I think it takes some WS's longer than others to get to the point that I'm at with the regrets. But rest assured, that there will come a day when they will. Unless there concious is completely seared!!! My father was in very similar situation years ago with my mother. He contacted an "old friend" from his army days. They started corresponding etc etc. To make a long story short, my mom and dad divorced, the OW divorced her husband, moved from Oklahoma to Georgia to marry my day. One year later my dad finally came to his senses to the point that he was borderline suicidal. He and mom remarried which was a miracle in itself because my mom was very bitter and had made the comment several times that she would never have him back. They recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. Their reconicilation was an absolute miracle and I know that if their marriage could be restored that it can happen for anyone!!

And this is why we have waterproof mascara!'
Enjoy the celebration/ceremony/transition...

crying only makes sense.

Pep

Pep...I do like your style!!!

Lisa thank you for your post, it give's me hope in a seamingly hopeless situation. I'm so happy things are working out for you and your H. Thanks again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa103:
<strong> Pep...I do like your style!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well... you don't want to be all dressed up and have Tammy Faye Baker runny-mascara eyes, do ya?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Have a GREAT time....

Pep

Tinman....remember...no matter how bleak it may look right now you trust in God. When my parents were going through this years ago we prayed that God would bring my dad down in such a way to make him realize what he was doing. I'm telling you that God answered that prayer exactly in the way in which we prayed. Let God comfort you and work in your life and trust him to do the same in your wife's.

now Tammy Faye is a name from the history books. Thanks Pep for making me laugh!! I always enjoy reading your posts. You do have your own unique style that is most enjoyable to read! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

And YOU have a big warm heart.

Just keep your face clean and all is well....

I recently saw TFB on a talk show. She is, despite her strange grooming, a resourceful and strong woman.

She has metastatic cancer now... and an amazingly up-beat attitude! I was impressed by her depth of faith and her optimism.

She's had the marriage roller-coaster to beat all of ours, I think. She practicaly got RUNOVER by her rollercoaster.

Pep

<small>[ May 27, 2004, 08:27 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Lisa,

Congrats on the graduation of your daughter! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I just watched my son graduate last night.

His graduation reception was last Saturday, and for it we (DS, his girlfriend, and I) put together a photo collage.

In my present situation with WH still out of the house and my coming ever closer to not wanting him back, this was very difficult (you've read my newest post and know he's now thinking he might want to and I don't want him yet). I had to detach from every photo I saw with our family intact in it or I would have broken down.

The story of your mom and dad is inspiring. I am afraid if I let WH back now, nothing will change. All the behaviors will be the same. I risk losing him forever. I'm not sure, on the other hand, that I even want him back. There's been a lot of hurt. But I know God can work miracles. And maybe, even if our M someday ended in D, there is a chance that his heart could change and he could really become the husband that I need, and we could still pull it out of the ashes.

LL

LL...I have to say, I see so much of my mother in you. She was about your age when she and my dad split. She was very dependant on him and went through hell after their divorce. She had not worked in year and decided to go to work. I watched her change from a devastated, totally broken woman into a confident, spunky woman right before my eyes. When she and my D did reconcile their marriage was better than ever before. I see that happening for you LL!!

Lisa103:
Thanks for the post/thread. I do appreciate your comments.

I have a question that maybe you can help me with. If it is threadjacking, please tell me and I will start another post.

I have invited my FWW to this site. She has "lurked" for awhile, said that it is hard for her to find anything she finds relative to her. So I've sent her links to some of the threads I've thought might be helpful. She now says, please don't send me anymore links. (I will comply with that.) But my question for you, can you explain what you have got from this site that has helped you and your S to heal/recover your M?

Thanks!

I have a reply for that Recovering H:

People.

JL, Lisa, MrsX, Chris (when he was here), Knewbetter, Awed, Stupidgirl, 1Step, WAT, well there are over 35000 members - I don't think I can name them all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Knowing you are not alone - knowing there are some things everyone goes through, knowing you are not the only person this has happened to, seeing the other side (the BS), getting the BEST advice I've ever had in my life.

Laughter, happiness, tears, anger, grief (sometimes all in the same post) - and PEOPLE.

Jenny

Recovering H...kiwiJ is my clone. I'm in Georgia and she's in New Zealand but we think alike. I totally ditto her response!!!

Lisa, read your story and yes, it is touching to see pictures of the little ones and to see them grown. That is perhaps source of pride for every parent to see their children grow up as upright and successful young persons.
The experience that you relate is parhaps shared by many WSs. On the other hand, BSs may cry and feel sad for different reasons while also thinking about the children. As a parent, having had the experience of betrayal, one may ask, how do you teach them to select their partners? How can you protect them from having to go through something like that? I know I would never want them to suffer that horrible pain.

You related your parents experience. Do you think that having been exposed to that and knowing that your mom took back your father had any influence in your actions? Maybe the thought crossed your mind that your H loves you so that he would just forgive it. You see so many cases where stories repeat themselves as far as behavioral patterns is conserned. Children of angry parents are also angry persons.

Lisa, one of the things about my FWH's A was that my mother was dying at the time. She asked me to go thru her personal things, and I found a box of slides of me with my H when were were about 15 and 16, and then our engagement slides and about 20 wedding slides and a few slides of the first week at home with our first child. We hadn't seen them in 25 yrs. H borrowed a projector from work and we sat there captivated.

Your episode with the slides reminded me of my episode with our slides. Those pictures of our early years together should have jolted H into reality. We had enjoyed such a rich life together. I know he regrets the A as much as you do, but there were several opportunities as strong as that one, where he should have "woken up" to what he was doing.

I wonder whether other people had these lighbulb moments? Another was when I related to my H a dream I had about what he was doing and how I was screaming no,no,no,no.... How could I have dreamed that? Why didn't the dream spook him into stopping? I was thousands of miles away at the time. After I told him about the dream, I dismissed it as a nightmare.

I saw something on tv last nite about the mind. It said we compute minute information, and if things don't add up, even at a very subconsious level, our minds can see a pattern of something wrong. Then our full consciousness is alerted. The program referred to this as intuition.


Congrats on the graduation. We also have a S and D and had the second grad a couple of months ago. I didn't cry though. I slept thru some of it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'd been on a plane all nite and then had 5 hours of cleaning the house from the mess my graduate son had made in our absence. Isn't life a hoot?

You know what I admire most about you? Your endless willingness to express, with heartful pain, your regret. I think a lot of WS, slip up on doing this. Maybe they are just so ashamed or uncomfortable or they are not verbally open and expressive types. Had I been the betrayer, I would have been exactly like you. My H isn't like you. He expresses his sorrow by doing the ironing and dishes and rubbing my back and taking me out to meals and buying me diamond earrings. Hey? What am I complaining about?

hugs
an

anyname...I like the way your H is expressing his regret. Perhaps I need to encourage some guilt in my H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !!

why me....I have wondered so many times about how I could have done to my family what my dad did t us. The really sick thing in my A is that I never had any intention of leaving my H. My A was an "add-on" to my marriage and was never going to be a replacement. How crazy sounding is that? I didn't want to have to feel the guilt nor did I ever want my family to find out about it. I did confess it all willingly to H and later to our kids. Looking back at everything now I wonder how I lived this double life for 1 year!! I don't think any WS can ever truly explain what was going through their head at the time..Insanity is my only plea <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

A powerful message for BSs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lisa103:
<strong> I know that as the BS you have been hurt badly but please know that your WS would do anything to undo what has been done but is totally powerless to do so. That regret is one that we will have to live with.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is limited to WSs who found the courage and humility to look in the mirror. Until then, which for some never comes, they are oblivious to what they are doing to themselves and others.