I've become stronger of late in Plan A. And I've noticed ever since I am feeling stronger and confident that WH seems to be more depressed. He is staying at night at OW (moved out when A became daylight 5 weeks ago) He says he is tired. He snips or complains but anytime he sees I might misunderstand his comment he is careful to make me aware that he is not mad at me. Often times he will call back later after leaving me and apologize for his behavior.

Since he has increasingly spent more time with me or his parents over past few weeks and very little afternoon or weekend time with OW, I'm thinking he is somewhat considering an exit.

Is it possible that he could be going through withdrawals even though he is still going there every night?

After my H's second A he moved out and in with the OW. He lived there for 6 months and I spent the fisrt 4-4 1/2 trying to get him to come to his senses. I did everything from anger to begging. Finally I just came to the point when I thought it was over and I lived life with my kids and without him. I had to see him when he picked up the kids but I never called him or said anything to him refering to "us". After a couple of weeks he started to call me during the day but I would rarely answer. At the 6 month point he called me bawling his face off because he realized that I was moving on without him and it scared him to death. He moved all his stuff out of her place the next day and we went into recovery.
He is becoming depressed because you are stronger and he sees you living life without him and doing it well. Happy. He will come to his senses soon I would say.....but I am not psychic.

I know you said you weren't psychic but if you do happen to have "some" powers then I imagine the next two weeks is going to be interesting.

I have scheduled myself into being very busy (as IC has advised in keeping busy)

I won't be home much in afternoons with yoga twice a week. A play tomorrow and a concert out of town next week.

I have attempted to not beg for a hug or ask for anything from him. It was his b'day today and we split duties (both taking off from work) in caring for his parents as both required medical attention seperately.

Anyway I gave him a peck on the lips and wished him happy b'day when we finally got back to their house. But I kept my distance and stayed happy.
Must admit very hard to do with him so irritable and edgy.
He followed me back to our house for his present, stayed just briefly and I sort of pushed him out. Grabbed his hand and said come on let me walk you to your car. I made no further attempt for further affection (very out of character for me).
He looked sadly at me and blew me a kiss.
You know I hadn't had a kiss blown to me in 15 years from this man. He backed out of drive and still wanted to talk some. I stepped toward house as I talked pleasantly but kept stepping away.
Geez, it felt good to have some control.

It feels good to be doing things, feeling alive and looking forward to something other than work.

Good for YOU!!!!!!

One thing my husband has said repeatedly to me over the past few weeks is how much it bothered him when he realized that I could get along without him very well...

On the day after discovery, he was packing his clothes to leave (he came back two days later, begging for another chance) and overheard our daughters telling me that everything would be alright, that they would help me and that I shouldn't worry. THAT REALLY BOTHERED HIM!!!!

I'm no psychic either, but I think this is a positive thing. Also, about his "crankiness"...
When someone is under conviction, they are VERY hard to be around. Could he be doing some soul searching, and doesn't like what he is discovering about himself? HMMMM?????

HANG IN THERE!

I know what you mean about feeling good to have some control! It sounds to me like it is eating at his insides that you are not sitting home crying the blues constantly! You need to work out your course of action if he calls you or comes to you and tells you he wants to come back. Things like NC letter, MC,.....you have to decide what it is that you will need from him in order to recover. It won't be easy but it will be worth it. Just keep in mind that from now on it will be lifetime work. I sadly learned that just because we recovered does not mean that we can fall back into old habits. The work that you need to do to recover you will need to continue to do for the rest of you M. Things like meeting EN, SN....etc. I am sure you are aware of this!
Good Luck and I hope you have fun with all of your plans for the next couple weeks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Upon A coming to light we were constantly comparing each others lack of sleep,depression and loss of weight. I cried ALOT. Looking back it was kind of sick, we both were really comparing how many hours we slept and whether he lost more #'s then I did. It was definitely sick, although I didn't see it that way then.

I sought IC (although did ask him to go) and that helped some.
IC recommended going to doc for meds. I did, and they help me sleep.
He refused a second attempt at MC. I got mad.
Mad was good for me as I hadn't been.
I've calmed down considerably but I feel so empowered.

There is a third attempt for counseling coming up. He is aware of it . . . has not given me an answer . . . says he wants to think on it.
So I'm not attempting to sell this appt as I did the others. He can go or not go.

But you are so right I need to be prepared for his wanting to come back and have a plan. And oddly enough I can see him just coming in house without saying anything.
This could be very challenging.

Meanwhile, it feels good to have some control in my life, instead of allowing him to call the shots.

I had to add this Momwith4boys -
I have been reading Dr.Phils book on relationships.
He said he found it very sad that he would see individuals a couple years later after a divorce had taken place and these people were looking really good.
He said they put so much effort into making themselves attractive again, loosing weight, special haircuts, new clothes. And their attitudes were so much more pleasant. And he wondered what if these same individuals had made an attempt WHILE they were married to be attractive and considerate that maybe they never would have ever divorced.

So yeah, I know its a lifetime commitement. But I honestly wouldn't want anyone else then my screwed up old WH. I want to work at us, the question is does he. Of course, time will tell. Admittingly I could not conceive how so many on this board have endured Plan A so long. When I first got into it, I thought I would never survive. But I've got some new found strength.

Like I said, it took me to get mad to do this.

Hee, hee, I'll give a thought or two on NC and other stuff sometime in between my busy schedule of having fun. I'm alive!!!

Hey Whitefeather, glad you're feeling so positive. I'm not. I have my WH home but we hadn't really talked about 'things'. I felt we were in danger of sweeping matters under the carpet. So on Wednesday I woke him up off the settee (usual practice). Told him I knew he was still in phone contact with OW and it had to stop. He thinks because he isn't seeing her it is over. Obviously she thinks there's something worth holding onto so it's got to be NC NC NC. He is also still communicating with his old girlfriend on the internet. Insists it's harmless so I've told him he can communicate on the home computer and give me his password. I cried so much. Told him he is treading on very thin ice. I'm in such a weird position because I am an expat and live in a company house. My family are in England. I don't have anywhere to go and I can't kick him out. Our finances couldn't handle it. I honestly feel the man needs a BIG wake up call and I don't know how to do it. He stayed with her for 3 weeks and came home. I know he doesn't want to live with her. I think their affair is over but he needs to be stern with her and I think it is hard for him (always likes to please people, except me). It all feels very screwy. To leave means uprooting my kids and I think my eldest would go to pieces. He knows I have snooped on his phone. Told him he needs to leave it out instead of hiding it away in his pocket and if she pesters, we'll deal with it together. I can't stand his secrets anymore. I know he is trying. He is definitely more pleasant to be around but things are still not as they should be in a marriage.

I read a book right after the affair was brought to light by David Clarke called "When Your Spouse Says I Don't Love You". I had been so crushed that all I could do was cry. I was just pathetic (I'm an ugly crier)and my husband kept saying that he couldn't understand why I was so upset - that what he had done wasn't "that bad" (no intercourse). Well, we were on the way home from our first counseling session, and our therapist had told us to pick up "Torn Assunder". We stopped at two bookstores to find it, and they didn't have it in stock. Then, we went to a Christian bookstore, and while I was scanning the shelves for that book, I LITERALLY put my hand on David Clarke's book. When I saw the title, I took it out, opened it at random, and began to read. In essence, what he said was that you NEED to get angry. Very angry! In fact, you need to be furious! Your husband will not "get it" until he sees the depth of your anguish, and for some guys, tears won't do it. They just make you appear to be weak. This anger is also theraputic. Now, he doesn't endorse physical violence, don't get me wrong, but he does urge you to use your anger in a controlled fashion. This changed my outlook, and when I "blew up" on my husband, it wasn't planned, but instead of reigning my anger in as I normally would, I really let him bask in it's force. Result? He knew I was SERIOUS in my thoughts about divorce. He knew that I was SERIOUS about never being his wife in any fashion again.

Sorry, I had to stop writing for a moment. Let me add this. When I had vented my anger that first time, it shocked my husband just about out of his skin, but you know what? He later told me that it made him begin to see me in a new way, and that he respected me for standing up to him. I have been a wimp for most of my marriage. I hated confrontation, and when he would act in a selfish, thoughtless way, I just "took it" and tried to act in a way that wouldn't cause him to become angry again. Part of my behavior patterns stem, I believe, from my childhood. My father was mentally ill, and I couldn't begin to count the times that my mom told us "not to make Dad get upset", which translated for me into not showing my anger. That crippled me in that I didn't know how to show anger in a healthy way, and I turned myself into a doormat.
Back to the affair story- my husband got SO UPSET that he literally got out of the car in the parking lot of the mall and took off walking. I called our therapist and told her what I had done. I was terrified! She said, and I quote, "I'm so proud of you!" She told me that he was fully capable of getting back home, and that I shouldn't worry about him. Well, just as I was preparing to drive away, here he comes! He got back into the car for a VERY quiet 95 mile drive home. As we neared our town, he began to cry. That was the beginning of our recovery. He said that he was shaken to the core. We really got honest with each other. We pulled into a Wal-mart parking lot and hugged, kissed and cried some more. (Wal-mart seems to figure heavily in my life...) Well, that's "our spot" now. We've been over some mighty bumpy ground since then, and there have been times when we both didn't think this was going to work out, but God is good. We are in a glorious recovery.
-Hope this can be an encouragement to someone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.

<small>[ May 28, 2004, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: MARIE ELENA1 ]</small>