****************EDIT***********

As I wrote in an earlier post on this thread, I wished there would have been someone like Mel who would have told me my then-husband had renewed contact with OW (who was an IV drug user). Maybe I wouldn't have contracted stage 3 cervical cancer.

Jo

LINY, hunny, you need to up your medicine.

Take care,
Susan

I would venture to guess that Rob would disagree.

LINY... you have failed to address a few points here and it seems that you have ignored them because they blow holes in your "it wasn't her place" thoughts.

First... not only was Kiwij's M in trouble... be she was in trouble too... and who knows how far that would have gone without an intervention.

Second... I haven't heard KJ say that Mel shouldn't have told her H... in fact, I saw some gratitude from her.

Address those points in the context of your argument.

LINY, hon, thanks for supporting me but I DID ask you not to get involved. You're such a hot headed NY Irishman but you have a heart of gold.

Yes, I'm pleased it's out in the open. Yes, I wish I'd told him myself.

It's Monday here, I'm at work. We are working through things.

You're right, Pep. It's all about perception. And to a newbie looking for help, it's a confusing and almost degrading place to be--even more so than the position that they already put themself in.

I have no idea what you just said ... a newbie what?
and
place to be where? Marriage Builders forums??? Is this what you mean?

you might be talking about a newbie BS
or a newbie WS
or even a newbie who's parent is having an affair on their other parent ...
or a newbie who's adult child is having an affair ....

ALL of those touched by infidelity are feeling degraded and miserable.

EVERYONE dealing with adultery and infidelity feels they are cornered in an impossible situation (at first)

But Jen, she's not a newbie by any stretch of the imagination

neither are you

neither am I



Thank you. We are, with many obstacles ahead.

Your baby daughter sounds wonderful . Such a blessing. She'll keep you young.

But this is life, which I just made that much more difficult.

I am not understanding this part .. but you know what ... it's all good.

For the record, I just somehow don't believe that that was sincere.

Do you mean my good wishes for your marriage were not sincere?

Now ask yourself why I would wish you anything but a fantastic marriage ~~ especially ~~ with a beautiful new child.... THAT makes no sense at all ... so I guess I don't know what you mean.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just my perception, though.

Yes, and right now you are sounding pretty steamed ... so perception might be influenced.



Blessing, paryers, and good fortune.


Thank you LINY

I believe you are sincere

much appreciated

Pep

Jen,

Please cancel your dinner plans. You and Rob are not in the right state of mind to have people over for anything. You need to talk and you do not need the added pressure of entertaining right now. Please just call them and cancel the dinner. Also, ask you son to leave for awhile because Mom and Dad need to talk. I implore you to reconsider the dinner party.

Beauty, it's over. It's already tomorrow where Jen is.

Mel,

I must say I am very very proud of you. It took a lot of courage to do what you did, and yet perhaps not right? You could not sit there and watch this happen KNOWING you and the information to put this to rest.

I have no idea if Jen and Rob will make it. It seems to me her drinking and avoiding are symptoms of some serious issues and I hope that she seeks help for whatever it is that has eaten at her for all of this time and allowed renewal of contact.

I have no idea if Rob will find it with in him to work to rebuild yet again. I hope he does for I feel that Jen has it within her to be what he needs in his life.

But, Mel, none of the possible positive futures had much chance until you called Rob. You have given them both a chance, that Jen was running away from and drinking away.

Mel, you rock girl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

JL

Jen,

I am very sorry that your information did not come to Rob via your own mouth and words. You have squandered a great chance by NOT telling him. By the same token Mel's discussion with Rob, has given YOU a chance to make your marriage right. I think it starts with you. I don't know what your issues are, but drinking to avoid them is NOT a good way to address them. Seeing the old OM is NOT a good way to address them, and lying to Rob by ommission isn't either.

I understand that you two found and used an excellent counselor last time and I hope that Rob has enough left in him to consider going back to her yet again. But, Jen you really need to address some internal issues and I think you should consider counseling for them as well.

I feel sorry for Rob, and your children for they have been betrayed, but Jen I feel most sorry for YOU. Please seek help, and please be honest with Rob from now on.

You did NOT do the right thing by him and you have not to date, but please from now on do the right thing by him.

I want to you two to succeed, but it will take honesty. Mel has jump started the possiblity of recovery, don't waste this chance.

God Bless,

JL

Antd then this...


I am speechless.... almost.... I cannot believe Liny you are taking this so perosnally. Are you a BS or a WS??

As a FBS, I only WISH someone had told me about my FWS's affair rather than letting the momentum build up to the point where it nearly destroyed my family. I cannot believe your attitude here.

Given the knowledge Mel had I would have GLADLY done the same thing. If I EVER see a friend in adultery, I would gladly tell the BS in that situation too. You know one of the first recorded sins in the Bible is where Cain killed Abel and said to God "Am I my brothers keeper" Well if you are truely a friend, the answer to that question is YES!

Jen is not the victim here. Rob is and the poor OM's Wife. They deserve better than the sanctimonious justifications I see here. And Puhleese. Vigilante. Give me a break.

I am so pleased to be able to call Mel a friend. I am thrilled to have friends like her who will hold me accountable and who will hold my wife accounatble if she ever again strays. I am thrilled she cared enough for Rob to do this great thing.

Jenny

if you read this, and you care about a WORD I say after my initial outburst , please read this.

PLEASE do not work to extinguish the current crisis. Th eanger, sadness are just symptoms.

You need to tell Rob that you are dissatisfied in your marriage to him despite his best efforts.

It is not fair to keep Rob working hard to be less than you need. It is my bggest fear to be 'tolerated', and I know many BHs share my fear. You need to have your issues fixed, and supressing them in your M again won't work any better in the future than it has in the past.

Tell him Jenny. Tell him everything, PLEASE.

All blessings.

It was an act of kindness to warn the man that he was being harmed behind his back. One does not have to be "appointed" to alert someone to such a situation, because it is their MORAL OBLIGATION. Your conscience "appoints" you to do the right thing. It is the MORAL OBLIGATION of any decent person. It is the "place" of any person who knows. When someone is being harmed, it matters NOT who warns the person, only that the person is warned. That IS the moral obligation of every decent person, LINY.

I am shocked that you are furious about this exposure to
Rob. What a bizarre reaction.


What is "irresponsible" is to lie, cheat and to ENABLE your friends in hiding their crimes. That is what is IRRESPONSIBLE, LINY. Exposing such ill behavior is not irresponsible and to think so only reflects a very warped moral foundation on your part, LINY.

Your anger and fury at this exposure is very bizarre and puzzling, LINY. And very, very misplaced.

Mel, I looked over my post. I did and I looked it over again. And again. I was NOT attacking anyone. I was making an observation.

Sometimes in the midst of a crisis things get heated up. So I was looking at this as a de-briefing.

And EXCHANGE of opinion. Mel, I am NOT you. I said time and time again. Here and privately that I AGREE with what you did.

I am NOT a clone. DOn't want to be a 'follower" without challenging the actions that I take.

What I observed that there were supportive posters. Encouraging Jen to do this hereself. I mean realistically how can a board with what, over a million member REALLY keep such a secret, even they wanted to?

WHat I observed was the OTHER posters. The name calling ones. THe ones that SEEMED as if they were more interested in the drama.

There were LOTS that I thought did an admirable job Like beleiver and Resilient LA and others. My PERCEPTION. My FEELING. MY observation!.

Perhaps it is the way I THINK. Whenever I do something that has serious consequences I analyse the sitch after. And ask some basic questions. WHY did I do it? COuld I have done it better? ANd if the answer is YEs, WHAT could I have done differently?

Well MOST of the time, I think the answer is YES! imho EVERYONE can improve their appraoch. EVERYONE can improve their interactions.

I am NOT ATTACKING. BUT I AM expressing my opinion. I MIGHT not agree with some OR even in some cases ALL of your opinions. BUT that does not mean EITHER YOU are I are wrong. Just Different opinions.

I believe myself to be a work-in-progress and HOW can I or YOU (as in the general YOU) LEARN if WE do not ALL learn from our interactions? HOW can WE IMPROVE if we can't agree to disagree, ask for clarification WITHOUT judgement.

I asked what I consider serious questions. For example Jen got SLAMMED for joking in the midst of this. Yet on this very thread there was joking going on. So to use an old saying it sounds like the pot calling the kettle black.

You cannot sustain yourself on drama and pain 24x7. There must be momentary Relief. That is all.

To me it is important to see how WE work things out after all the dissension. Becasue frankly this is real life. How do WE get along? THis is the question I ask.

I believe this to be a microcosm of the world. How can we get along with each other? How can WE HELP each other? COnstructlively and lovingly?

Yes, I would love to sit around the fire singing Kumbaya. It's NOT going to happen. BUt it is a worthy goal.

AWWWWW I am either talking to the ppl that agree or will be misunderstood by the ones that don't agree. AND THAT saddens me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

I WILL bow out so that I don't enflame anyone else! It does not feel safe to disagree <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thanks much, JL. I am very glad that I did it for their sake. Rob is a very nice man and he told me he had suspected something was amiss. Thanks for weighing in, my friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


CV55, thanks so much! He sounded just like Crocodile Dundee! Crocodile Dundee and Dolly Parton! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It's all good, FAA.

Please don't stress this, FAA. Everyone is going to have differing opinions and theres always going to be an element of mis-intepretation in posts.

I meant no malice towards you and apologize if it was taken in that context.

Please don't allow the idea that someone may disagree with you cause you to censor your posts, or worse, make you fearful to contribute.

Jo

FAA,

I ditto Resilient's and Mel's sentiments, please don't bow out or censor your thoughts.

As you said we are all a work in progress and have a right to be here. And this is how we learn, this is how we begin to stretch our mental processes, and this is how we practice the art of communication.

Blessings to you FAA! You're still quite sassy, aren't you?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Oops! I forgot they are a day ahead <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

My heart goes out to Rob and Jen. I'm afraid that it might be worse for Jen now because she was not the one who told Rob. I hope they can overcome their M problems and come back with the best recovery story that MB has ever seen.

Now the healing can begin, what ever the outcome may be.

(((Rob and Jen)))

God Bless!