Quick story - Affair started Oct 98 - found out Jan 99 - husband moved out the 15th. Came home for 1 week in April - said he knew it would end and come home wasn't for sure. Came home talked lots said he would be honest and no more lies and work on our marriage. Started lying on Monday - took off to Vegas for weekend - and it has been rough getting to the point of a schedule with the kids and all of us spending time as a family. Slowly the hugs and kisses have come - but not a lot of deep talking or anything. Said he was just taking it one day at a time. Well I could tell we have been making progress and putting all efforts into plan A. Last night we ended up sleeping together for the first time since Feb. - he started it and almost stopped saying he didn't want to hurt me and wanted to make sure I could handle it. and it was great (sex has never been the problem that's why this whole thing makes me nuts) anyway had to drop him at work today - didn't get into anything heavy and actually tried to keep it light ?? I had given plan A till this month and have talked to him about plan B - told him I loved him still but the pain of this ongoing is stronger than me and he actually was nice and understanding - but said he hadn't made a decision. I outlined that I wanted his closet and armoire cleaned out this Sunday when my son goes to camp. Told him all info I would need to start divorce - he said he doesn't necessarily agree and hasn't made any decisions but if I feel the need to do this he understands. We have come so far in this long battle and now what do I do ? back out of plan B and stay in A ? go forward with plan B for myself and at the same time let him see he needs to choose? What does any or all of this mean? He has been great about alot of stuff even if I love bust he is actually sweet and gives hugs and then I go back to inputting plan A big time ?? so confused have any of you been at this point and made your decision?? So many positive signs don't know what to do ? HELP !!

My H also kept telling me he wasn't sure what he wanted to do, and I kept giving my all. But then the day came when I just couldn't keep it up and I filed for divorce. It was the most amazing things, when he had the papers in black and white and realized how much he was going to loose (ie: the children, me, etc.) he woke up and quick. I had a appointment with our counselor and he showed up unanounced. Begging and pleading for another chance. I still now wonder why I didn't do it earlier. But the bottom line is that I would have gone through with the divorce, I was suffering terrible (lost 25 pounds in 3 months), our children were suffering and I knew with or with out him I would be fine. I think that's the most important thing to remember, you will be fine. He needs to understand that if or when he makes up his mind you may no longer be there for him. Trust yourself, that's what I did.

gladmididit - That is how I feel - I know I will be okay and I told him that- actually it took me along time to realize that he will be the one who really loses in all this in many ways especially when I look back at our relationship. Maybe it sounds arrogant but because I believed and loved him so much and encouraged him he has had a much better life and we both have so very much to be thankful for and have been extremely blessed in so many ways that we both took it for granted. But I like you lost 27 pds and am much to thin at this point but have leveled off finally I feel great and that is what matters I told him that too. I am concerned though because we both seemed to be getting it together and he seemed to be out of his depression and I can almost see him slippping back in - in someways but much better in others? I feel like I am prepared to go through with it and I guess I could have done it sooner but I also feel like if we are going to bounce out of it this is the time for it to go either way and I think my husband like yours will get a rude awakening seeing it in black & white. I know I will be fine and it will be okay but I still love him so very much and want our marriage to work but I also am not willing to wait any longer - life is to short to be hurting for such a long time ! <BR>thank you ! <BR>

csco....you know like you I was much too thin, had to go in for weekly weigh-ins the Dr. was just trying to get me to hold on to my weight. I had to drink 4 ensure drinks a day....my bottom weight was 100 lbs. Sad to remember how I was, my 7 yr old ask if I could die by loosing too much weight. I allowed my feelings for him to almost kill me. I knew I would always love him, like you I feel that I made his life what it is today. I worked 2 jobs to get him through college and supported him in every job move he made. I believe now, a year later, I chose the hard way....staying. It would have been easier emotionally to leave. I have terrible flash backs and still the thought of him being with another woman is sickening to me. But when I got strong and "*****y" is when he came around. He still says today that he could never imagine me with another man. But I'm only 35 and still young enough to find love again....and he realized that. My H and I discussed a separation prior to me finding out about the affair. All we could agree upon was that we had 2 children, their SS#'s and insurance. We agreed on nothing else....he used to say he would give me everything (even the shirt off his back)to make my life easy when he moved out. It was all BS, when he was caught I had him right where I wanted him. I told him that night I now have the ball in my court and he would never get it back. When he was served with papers (the night he returned home from seeing her) I had requested from the court full custody, he would of course have visitation, but would have no say in how the children would be reared. He was dumb founded. I'm not sure how much more he expected from me. I also found out he had unprotected sex with her, how he could put himself at risk much less me is beyond anything I could ever understand. I was the one who had myself tested, I found out that from that day forward I would take care of me first, no one else would right? I think the hardest thing for me now is that never in a million years did I ever believe he would have cheated on me, and I was wrong. I also never expected him to lie to me....again I was wrong. I lost my instinct to know when something was wrong and I now worry I won't have it again if it happens again. But he has been so wonderful, truely remorseful, hasn't had any contact in over a year. He knows I would never take him back again, in fact he knows I would walk away and never look back. After he was caught, and we were trying to work it out, he signed a letter from the attorney saying if it didn't work out I would still be able to have alimony. I live in VA and if you sleep with your husband after you find out, they consider that forgiving. So if I slept with him once I would loose the alimony, which I needed since I was a stay at home mom. He was willing to do anything, but before he was caught he didn't care about me at all. I still am angry about that. It is a daily struggle not to relive all of the past. But though all of this I found strength I never knew I had, I survived the embarassment of friends and family knowing. I am a much better person today and our marriage has never been better. I don't think I will ever really understand why this happend, but I'm glad I made it. You will too.....we are all bonded in this web site by choices our spouses made. You and I are definately stronger because of it. I believe you H is going to come around, sometimes you have to loose it all, to find out what is really important. My H says all the time that he believes if I had served him sooner he would have snapped out of it sooner.....I'm not sure about that but then again I will never know. Sorry about rambling on so long, it's just nice for me to know I'm not alone.....and neither are you!

gladimadeit:<BR>sorry I wasn't able to get on all weekend - it has been crazy ! H was around most of weekend - I had asked him to move stuff out Sunday while I was gone and he worked really hard on the yard and cleaned out the garage -not what I wanted and said he would get to the rest later..I am very unsure as to what to do? He hasn't given me answers to questions I had about the custody agreement so I guess I will just have to fillt hem in myself for now and see how he responds. He is procrastinating with everything and at the same time being very sweet and nice. We are leaving for Fla onn Wed - my son is down there for camp and we are picking him up and spending a few days together al of us. WHich will be very hard and then what ? Well I guess I will give him his papers. I feel like I am playing a hand in poker and in doing so I need to be prepared to walk away. You and I sound alot alik - although I didn't get down to 100pds I got close and people who know me thought I weighed that much ! it is amazing how truly sick this makes you. My son was upset because of it to and kept telling me to eat and would watch me and then I would eat and throw it up from nerves. I also don't sleep well ho about you ? although it is better 3 months ago I never thought I would feel normal again? Even thought your husband has been great how have you been with him - once he came home did you fight alot and show him the hurt or were you able to hide alot of it from him ? I am concerned about coming unglued at some point ? So I guess I will start packing up his stuff - he is out of town for work and will be returning for our trip. Which is good no contact with OW for almost a week at least - so what should I do pack it up and give him the papers when we return from out trip? Did your husband freak out when you gave him the papers - or did it take him a few days?? I hope you had a good weekend and thanks for your insight !!<BR>me

gladimadeit:<BR>sorry I wasn't able to get on all weekend - it has been crazy ! H was around most of weekend - I had asked him to move stuff out Sunday while I was gone and he worked really hard on the yard and cleaned out the garage -not what I wanted and said he would get to the rest later..I am very unsure as to what to do? He hasn't given me answers to questions I had about the custody agreement so I guess I will just have to fillt hem in myself for now and see how he responds. He is procrastinating with everything and at the same time being very sweet and nice. We are leaving for Fla onn Wed - my son is down there for camp and we are picking him up and spending a few days together al of us. WHich will be very hard and then what ? Well I guess I will give him his papers. I feel like I am playing a hand in poker and in doing so I need to be prepared to walk away. You and I sound alot alik - although I didn't get down to 100pds I got close and people who know me thought I weighed that much ! it is amazing how truly sick this makes you. My son was upset because of it to and kept telling me to eat and would watch me and then I would eat and throw it up from nerves. I also don't sleep well ho about you ? although it is better 3 months ago I never thought I would feel normal again? Even thought your husband has been great how have you been with him - once he came home did you fight alot and show him the hurt or were you able to hide alot of it from him ? I am concerned about coming unglued at some point ? So I guess I will start packing up his stuff - he is out of town for work and will be returning for our trip. Which is good no contact with OW for almost a week at least - so what should I do pack it up and give him the papers when we return from out trip? Did your husband freak out when you gave him the papers - or did it take him a few days?? I hope you had a good weekend and thanks for your insight !!<BR>me

csco, glad to hear you made it another weekend, I remember those days. I couldn't eat, sleep or think to be honest. Please remember I can only speak for what happend in my situation. The night I had my H served, I had 2 "body gaurds" there. I wasn't sure what he was going to do. He was very civil and loaded up his things. He called from his car phone very angry and said he hoped I was now happy, I didn't actually answer the phone he left a message. Then he called about 2 AM and said he couldn't believe I was asking for soul custody, I told him very calmly that I would never keep our children from him, but he would have no say in their upbringing. Then the next morning starting early he called sobbing, saying how sorry he was. You know I don't really know what I felt at that point. I almost felt sorry for him, I knew the pain he had was small in comparision to mine, I guess I knew he felt bad. He must have called 15 times that morning, just kept crying and saying he was sorry. I truely believed him....sounds crazy I'm sure. My H prior to being caught kept saying he was going to move out, but he never did. Never even looked for an apartment. I even encouraged him to go and look, but he didn't. I see you H doing the same thing, I don't believe he wants to leave you, but he just can't decide. Right now I think he believes that you really won't do anything, my H still can't believe what I did. He never thought I had it in me. I think you need to do something, your son (like my children) are paying the price even if they don't know the details. I would go to Fl. and enjoy your time with him and your son. See if he tries to sneak to the phone to call her. You just can't keep giving everything. I don't know what state you live in, but separation is different everywhere. If we separated we would have to wait a year before a divorce. But when I had proof of the affair it could have been over in 60 days. So you may have time to get your point accross and still work things out, I'm sure thats what you really want. When my H came home, I can't say I was angry at him, maybe more at myself for believing in him for so long. We argue less now, than in our entire 14yrs of marriage, and when we do I try never to bring up this issue. We still talk about last summer and I still ask questions, and I see the pain in his eyes when one of the children say something about last summer. He sees so clear now, someday your H will too. Email me if you would like, you seem to have it very together even though you may not think you do. My email is comehere@intercom.net best of luck, I'll be thinking about you this week

I think the key thought here is that if you file for divorce, you must be at the point ready to go forward with the divorce. Otherwise you may have initiated a divorce you do not want. <P>Thinking seriously about it myself.

Lor, very good point. I couldn't agree with you more. But you hit a point where you realize a relationship is 100%/100% and if you are the only one doing the 100% then it doesn't work. I don't belive in divorce, but I also don't belive in affairs. My health and my children needed to come first, he was once my entire life....but I wasn't his. I'm very thankful he came around, I always belived I would be married to him for life. But if he didn't come around I was ready to be on my own and taking care of me. I was neglected too long. I even joke around about my next husband being a woman... I would have never done that, since at the point I was at I didn't want anyone in my life. csco let us know you are still out there.

I agree - it is hard when you are giving a 100% and nothing comes back in return. I also think that it is really rough when the baby steps start but you don't get the full committment and you feel like you have been played with a little. I have a hard time knowing if the positive is good from the heart or if it is to pacify my and give himself a little more time in fantasy land when he has finally figured out it won't last and reality does hit but won't give it up. At the same time it is like playing a game of Poker so to speak - you are one card away from a flush - and it could go either way. I like you gladmedidit thought I was going to be with this man for the rest of my life. But I think I also know that if it were to end that I would end up with so much more in the end - he would have to live with the loss at some point and realize the destruction of what he did. But I have also seen divorce for other things that that time of suffering has never come and the bad always seem to end up on there feet. While we continue to struggle. <P>I also think that after the shock and sufferring you do say hey why am I puting myself through this - I am a wonderful beautiful person with so much love in my heart - otherwise why would people like us go through this - because we love so very much and believe so very much in our spouses and our relationships. Looking at it like that I told my husband I have to much love to give and life to live to continue this way and what ever he chooses - I know he will regret later that he had it all and just didn't realize it and didn't treat it right! when I think like that it makes me stronger that I will be okay and I will remember not to take life for granted no matter who is in it or assume that I am living in a almost perfect world. THis was the last thing I ever expected !! I would have accepted him being Gay or something more than this - this was a shocker to say the least -- to many people who know muy husband - of course reading others stories it was just as much a shock to them ! No specific profile ??<P>Best of luck and you are all in my prayers - for Peace in your hearts no matter what the outcome !! <P>me

So many of us seem to be in the same place right now. While we can be the only one working on the marriage for some amount of time, eventually, both people must participate. Otherwise, it isn't a marriage.<P>I too am close to my breaking point. My husband is coming over this week to tell me his decision - whether he will work on our marriage or agree to divorce (I sent him a letter requesting this meeting and he agreed). I've been at this one year and have yet to see any remorse from him for his affair or abandonment. He doesn't go to counseling, won't fill out the questionaires from this site, and refuses to talk about the future. He has been lying throughout and left me with all the responsibilities, including taking care of a newborn (now one year old).<P>All I know is when you're ready, you're ready. I want this over with. Either decision is far superior to limboland. Also, I am now totally clear that I will not take him back without remorse and commitment, as demonstrated by sincere effort, on his part. I can help and support through withdrawal, but only if he's really trying to do the right thing. Otherwise, I'm done. I've got a life to live too and I'd like to have some love in it.<P>Don't we all deserve to be happy and have someone focus on us for a change?

Distressed - So sorry to hear that you haven't received anything in return for all your efforts that has to be so very hard. I am happy that you have come to a decision and are ready to move oout of limboland and I wish you all the best - but in my heart I am praying that he wakes up between now and then ! Has he come around and shown interest in spending any time with you or working on anything at all ? <BR>Love and Prayers for this coming weekend decisions ! Keep us posted !! <BR>me

Thanks for asking about me. My husband's behavior is weird. After not seeing us for many months, he now wants to see us alot. He's been helping me with things and enjoying our baby (he literally didn't see her at all for five months). After losing weight initially, he's now gained alot. He seems cheerful and glad to be with us. He just won't talk at all about what has happened or what he wants to do now. And he disappears alot, especially on Sunday nights.<P>I don't know if relationship with OW is active or not. Certainly he didn't act this way towards family when I know he was involved with her. He didn't want anything to do with us then.<P>So, I don't know what to think. I have an alternate theory on his disappearances that is not directly OW related, but I'll hold it for now. I'm hoping to get answers this week. I think it's a 50/50 proposition on which direction he'll go. I know he loves being with his family, but thus far, he's been unable to follow-through on counseling and talking about problems and solutions. I need much more out of this relationship than just a pleasant recreational companion who is with us when it's convenient.

Distressed - I sounds like your husband is alot like mine in some ways as he did the same thing and for the past few months is trying to do alot with us and I know that he still is with OW but I feel as if it is almost wearing off so to speak - but yet he hasn't made up his mind either - but yet his actions are leaning toward coming back to the family. Just a little at a time. Gladmadeit has referenced how she basically put her husband in a position that he had to make the decision. It is like the clouds are finally lifting but they need that extra push and althought there is no guarantee on which way it will go - you are much stronger at this point and able to handle the outcome. I told my husband a week and a half ago that we needed to talk and that I loved him very much and I thought I was strong enough to ride this out but I can't do it anymore it just hurts too much. He was very sweet hugged me alot real tight even e-mailed me the next morning wanting to know if I was okay ? But we have gotten to a point like you that he is around alot we have alot of good times - and laughs and I have been doing stuff to make him feel better and secure in our home. Plus whenwe had the talk - there was no fighting or anger it was my pain really. If I did that a few months ago it would not have gone well and even though he didn't say he was coming home and is done - I believe is his starting to make rational decisions and think it through - I even told him to pack up his stuff SUn while I was gone - and he did everything else in the world and showed me the yard and cleaned garage - so I think our H are at the crossroads and if we handle it right maybe we can pull them over! Good Luck and keep me posted !!!!! <BR>me