I'm curious to know, after discovery of an A, how long it has taken couples to get intimate again. Our sexual relationship was really lousy. We used to have a really strong sex-life. We were adventurous, frequent and enjoyed it. Then WH started struggling to get aroused. It happened quite a lot. I thought it related to his medication. He takes a lot for kidney problems/high blood pressure. So I backed off thinking it was pressurising him and embarrassing him too. We never really talked too much about it but he did mention it to his doctor and asked about viagra. It was not recommended because of his blood pressure. So now there's been an A and I know he can do IT. But he wasn't doing it with me. I feel part of the reason the A happened was because he was so fearful of losing his sexual ability, he had to go and prove he could do it.

I could ramble on forever. I know we need to kickstart our sex life. I'm a bit scared that he won't be able to get it up for me because I don't hold the thrill of an A. It's just plain old me. He hasn't attempted anything but in our relationship it was always me who made the first move. Help. Help. Help. We both need sex but there's so much emotional baggage now. Do we just give it more time?

Dear Tummytuck,

Gosh.....the sex problem is a hard one. I too faced something very simular with my H. It could never be explained by him. I think because it may have involved actual "acts" that I really don't care for....?(anal mabe?) and I am not going to do that!

My sit. was diff. in that H and I had lots of sex during the time of the A. Never ANY PROBLEM then!~
It was right after that he had a hard time....ummmm keeping it hard all the way thru.....Gosh this is hard to explain!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
My H is 44 and I thought (of course I am a co) may be it is actually related to age??? and then the coincidence of timing was too close.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I felt very hurt! to say the least. I had thoughts like "not only an A now he has ruined our sex life~~he is comparing me" etc....it is very hard to go thru this!!

I am 42 and never in my life have been so sexual! FINALLY I have caught up to my H and now this!!
When I think too much on it, I really do think that Life is NOT fair!

Although part is of sex for men as I understand is "visual"......and "mental" may be my H just as yours is dealing with some type of withdrawl???

ANY FWH's WITH ADVICE on this????
I think that TT and I are NOT the only BW's going thru this type of sexual disfunction after A....Input appreciated!!!

Hang in there TT is all I can tell you. Our SL is getting better! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I know how you worry about him just as yourself! Your not alone.

Blessings,
Atruheart

TT,

I have also thought that may be part of the problem is guilt related to sex....?

or

It totally takes them back to a situation that they so regret thier bodys react????

I would love to hear what any other FWH's think....

Blessings,
Atruheart

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by atruheart:
<strong> TT,

I have also thought that may be part of the problem is guilt related to sex....?

or

It totally takes them back to a situation that they so regret thier bodys react????

I would love to hear what any other FWH's think....

Blessings,
Atruheart </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TT

It it isn't an "equipment problem" then the problem lies between his ears.

Speaking from experience, sadly, I would say it has a good chance of being guilt related. I can't say anything about your husband . . . but I never compared the two . . .

I think that your husband, for whatever reason, doesn't feel safe with you. If it worked with the OW and it doesn't with you then, if you want a healthy sexlife with H, you need to make him feel safe (I don't know how really). I know that you two have had sexual problems in the past . . . he may be afraid to disappoint you again.

It is pretty humbling wathcing the little man stuck at half-mast . . . and not being able to . . . rise to the occasion. It make you feel pretty worthless as a man.

VERY FRANK SEX DISCUSSION FOLLOWS

You don't have to feel worthless if you can't get it up--because you aren't. A man has at least 11 other body parts to use during sex, and there is at least one part that women like as well as the stick shift.

Neither you nor he should make a big deal out of it. Go ahead and have sex. If he and you don't obsess over whether he get erect, it can be very enjoyable. The sensation of oral sex with the antenna down is actually more intense.

Second, the man can pleasure the wife even if he is at half mast, although the very act of pleasuring the W may help get the equipment up. Men are very visual. Watching and hearing a woman having the big O is about as visually stimulating as it gets. Women should go a little over the top on the orgasm, and play to the audience.

Third, men are born with a substitute for a woman--their hand. Women weren't. Go buy a dildo and have learn how to use it.

Thank you all for your advice. Generally, I think my WH's problem with erection started around the time he made contact with an old girlfriend on the internet. This relationship was, of course, a secret from me and I do believe that he couldn't perform for me because his mind was elsewhere. We've had money issues (house being built), health issues, sex problems. Pretty much every problem that could affect a marriage was there and yet we skirted around the issues and I busied myself with the kids and he immersed himself in work and an A.

I really feel I need some WH's to add to this thread and tell me if they had trouble performing for their lover and their wife - was it guilt or was it just not being turned on by their wife because they felt their mind and body wanted to be with the illicit OW?

Incidentally Jimmy Mac, a woman's hand can give her immense satisfaction. Dildo's are great but in their absence, it just takes one finger. Don't kid yourself we weren't designed as well as men!

Hi Tummytuck!
I know we have similar things going on. I'm still wondering how or when or why we are having sex. My WH and I had very little prior to A. We are managing about once a week. I wish for more but once a week is a huge improvement. (mind you I am the one that was pushing him away a few years back) But must admit I've got lots of questions.

If you said you were generally the initiator then make the move. And I must admit Jimmy Mac puts a good point on things. And I have used that logic. Do what feels good, equipment failure doesn't mean you can't have sex.
My WH has shown some antenna problems. While we were attempting as JM calls it "half mast" we couldn't seem to get that to work. So we switched gears and went to something else. As we relaxed and as I asked if this felt good or that felt good, the equipment started to work.

My WH has weight and hernia problem, we are adjusting to the body limitations.

I can't say for sure where problem has arisen. Could be A having him confused. Could be age and his health. But for whatever reason I want to please him.
Have also wondered since our rendevous have been mostly his making sure I am pleased (no matter how hard I try to give him pleasure) that some of this comes from him feeling inadequate for me. I think our lovemaking is unbalanced, I feel I am not getting the opportunity to please him.
He has asked several times if he pleases me. And geez, folks I melt at his touch, but he still doubts? (I think this comes from my pushing him away for so long)

So Tummytuck, I say go for it. My WH has shared that the equipment failure has not only been with me, but with OW numerous times. I appreciated that information as he was generously telling me it wasn't me. So I would venture to say you shouldn't "assume" that your WH has performed with OW either.
And it is quit possible that A had something to do with checking his equipment.

Aside, if you haven't check your own seductive ways about yourself. Change some things up. I am so embarrassed to say I had moved into cotton drawers and old tshirts past few years. I cringe to think how much I let myself go with weight and apparrel I have lost weight (still more to go) and have lacy underwear and nighties now. I feel sexier too.

Jimmy Mac, I appreciate your comment about men enjoying watching his partner get the big "O". I so enjoy all the attention, but I was thinking it has been too much focus on me. It feels better being reminded that he can derive much pleasure from his unselfish actions.

It does bother me that when I have made an effort to do something for him that he tells me, he doesn't matter. I want to please him in any way I can.

Also wondering as Atruheart stated that hubby is moving his hands into areas that we never ventured before. I can't say I wouldn't like it, he has only teased the area, but it does play with ones head that he didn't prior to A have the slightest interest but now he does.
I've decided to let him venture as much as he likes until I find it uncomfortable. But it is something that I wonder he was getting that I wasn't giving.

Whitefeather, does it bother you that your WH is sleeping with the both of you? I know mine is not sleeping with OW now but I haven't pushed him for testing and I think that might be holding me back. Condoms could be useful! I've got a bad cold at the moment (sounds pathetic) and I feel lousy. When I don't feel good in my body, my head is a mess. So at the moment, I have a lot of bad, bitter energy around me. Just going back to sex, we really had a good and varied sex life but it had come to a grinding halt. That area you're talking about, been there, done that. As long as it wasn't the only area of lovemaking, I was ok with it. I think we just had got to a point in our relationship, because of other pressures, where we didn't like each other much. Trouble is, I'm still finding it hard to like him and perhaps that's why I can't motivate myself in the bed.

Hi there, Tummytuck,

I just want to say that you need to separate two thoughts you have in your post. I know from where you come as my H thought he had problems with erections and we basically stopped trying. Then......you know the rest.

These lines of yours,

"So now there's been an A and I know he can do IT. But he wasn't doing it with me. I feel part of the reason the A happened was because he was so fearful of losing his sexual ability, he had to go and prove he could do it."


His affair was a result of his choice to ignore his marriage vows and his inability or strength to fight for his emotional and sexual relationship with you. You didn't cause the A and any physical problem he had didn't cause it. If he is using the "BP meds may cause impotence" line then tell him to sing a new song. You could kick yourself in the behind for not insisting the two of you to get help or perhaps another reason you think of but it won't change a thing.
After I found out my husband wasn't impotent or at least not completly and was downstairs masterbating while chatting online with his ex wife I had to find out for myself what was wrong. I went into the bedroom, tore off the covers and told him to come take care of his wife. I have to say he was sure suprised but he followed me. I began to touch him and show him love and let him know he still excited me. Guess what? He began to come alive again. I fought for our marriage. I could have given up and put blame anywhere I could but I decided I was his wife and the woman who was supposed to make love with him. I got an added bonus. I began to come alive again. I felt like a school girl. I don't regret at all regaining my place in our marriage. If you love your husband and he you then get off the sofa or out of the recliner and take each other to bed. Touch and discover and look in each other's eyes and find the passion you had before. Take it slow and allow things to happen naturally. You might be suprised how quickly this "medicine" will change your lives. Good luck. I am here if you ever need to talk. Don't give up on each other.

Shadowdances

Tummytuck - I can't honestly say I even give it much thought. I absolutely know that is a terrible way of handling the situation. I only seem to have regrets about his having sex with both of us when someone mentions it on MB's.

My way of handling it is not the smart way of doing it.

As far as wanting hubby, or liking him. Maybe you should try something milder. I read somewhere that MC told couple that their homework was to go home and undress each other for shower and bed. They were not to do anything but undress each other. Nothing else. No touching nor intent of sex.
Then the next step is take a shower together, no sex allowed just simple bathing.
You take small steps of intimacy.

Now you might not be able to get hubby to agree to this, but I would think you could simply attempt this on your own. Help him out of his shirt one night, smile and then leave him alone.
You might not feel anything intially but I would think eventually hubby would mimic your moves and you could be on your way.
Just an idea.

I love touching and so I have nothing but feeling of constraint with my WH. If he is washing dishes at his folks, I sneak up and hug him from behind. I don't say or do anything else, I just hug and leave. I do the same with a kiss. I come up from behind him if he is watching television and just give him a quick peck. And of course, other times, I just flat out avoid him and not act on my desires. He has shown at times he is expecting it and I don't come through. He seeks me out then.

I literally begged for the first sexual act and he turned me down. He said that was no way to save the marriage. Three days later he was back and we have increased our time ever since.
I'm sorry to say we have already had more sex since A came to light then we did ALL of last year.

tt,

I know my FWS had problems in this area, now and again.

It is called guilt,and then some more guilt. As time goes by, it should get better.

By the way, you are doing great, and you are WORTHY. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Be yourself, be sensual, it might all work out in the end. Just my VHO.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Hi Shadowdances - I love your name. Has an air of romance about it unlike tummytuck. Guess who probably doesn't feel great about their body!! I have an image in my mind that once we get going, we will have fun, fun, fun (as I said, sex used to be a strong part of our relationship). It's just so hard to get over the other ****e that I have listened to. It's been such a long time since I heard something nice from the man. Still, I know I have got to act soon, who knows, maybe tonight! We're taking the kids to see Shrek - that should get us in the mood!! Anyway, I laughed at the idea of you ripping off the bedclothes and telling him to satisfy you. Good for you. Will treat myself to a new sexy outfit and try the same (I think).

Whitefeather - you made me laugh with the last line of your post. Don't be sorry - enjoy. I admire your frame of mind (even though I know it's not how it should be). You want it, you go get it. Do you think it's maybe because you were once the OW and had to share him back then? No judgement here. Am just curious? At least you know if you two get back together, that's one part of your relationship that has improved! Are you still Nurse Whitefeather or have you moved into another persona?

hi here is my problem my husband had a affair and he left the kids and i for a bout a year. well now he is back and we are trying to resume our sex life and i am trying to trust him again. my biggest problem is he still works with the woman he swears the affair is over with and refuses to quit working with her he has really tangled our business with hers so it is a pretty difficult situaiton to get out of, help. i want to trust him and get my life back to normal again. what do you suggest.

Tummytuck,

I'm still really wondering about WH's having tried a new sex act!!

Either that or just a very strong grip! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Gotta laugh....or we'de cry!!

Blessings,
Atruheart

Tummytuck - So-o-o-o? How did the Shrek movie do? Did the donkey get you in the mood?
I don't remember any part of this movie being specifically sexy . . . but no doubt you will share.

Nah, I'm not sorry that we are having sex more now then we did all last year. I'm just sorry about what we didn't do much of last year and the year before and the year before.

My wanting it now is definitely got a bunch of selfish reasons for it that may or may not have anything to do with saving the marriage as much as it is helping me feel womanly again. I honestly think the saving the marriage part is rated like number two on the list of having sex right now.

I have attempted to use my experience in that I was the OW with us 17 years ago. Geez, that much time and my memory is really not that good.
I honestly don't think I cared what he was doing with or w/out BW. I took as much as I could from the relationship and remember being very thankful for the time we did share. So yeah, in the OW mode I did present a safe dreamy like world for him.
When WH and I have spoken about our past he doesn't seem to remember that we were very sexual. I remember it very differently. I did some MAJOR seducing. It was fun and light-hearted. He often suprised me as he squeaked in time to see me. I was always happy to see him. Which is exactly why I "attempt" to be that way now. Some of it is not sincere. I'm happy, but I'm not as delighted as I put on. Its hard to be excited about a man that is having an A.

What my IC has brought to my attention though is that my WH has a history of not making up his mind (based off of how we got together) Our relationship started with him being married for close to 3 years before WW filed for sepertion. WH had both worlds and lived it. He couldn't give either one of us up. He never filed for divorce, the WW did.
He says he delayed because of his children being so small. He says he regrets that and should have left sooner. They did have a relationship that was very different then ours. They were mentally and physically abusive to one another. My step-kids have confirmed this years later. Their dads and my relationship has been said over and over again to be the best thing they could ever want for him. We never fought basically and the kids saw a loving relatinship. They love me and this affair has them in turmoil (they are young adults with families of their own now)

But as the OW, I felt like I didn't have much to loose if at first and as time continued I got hooked. And yeah, I remember saying I wanted more and he needs to either leave her or stay with her but that I wasn't having the sharing thing anymore. I waited a longer time then what they say is the average 6 months. And I have a pretty solid feeling I will have to go into Plan B.
Just for now, I'm strong and I think we are making some headway with Plan A.


Let me know how Shrek turned you on?

Whitefeather, please tell me you know I was kidding about the Shrek thing getting me in the mood. The film was great fun but it definitely didn't get me going (donkeys are not my thing!). No, what I'm getting at is that it is hard sometimes trying to do the mum thing and then trying to do the sexy wife thing. Anyway, still waiting for the WH's to add to this thread. It's their mindset I was trying to figure out when I started this one.

Tummytuck, yes Nurse whitefeather knows you were kidding. I mentioned the donkey as I liked Eddie Murphy as the voice.
Yeah, I imagine going from mom to seductive wife is a jump . . .but I'm sure it can be done.

So you want some WH's to respond. Try search on my name. My first couple of posts mentioned my desire to initiate sex. I basically got a couple of responses of go for it! It spurred me on.

Tummy, what have you got to loose?

I think intimacy with our mates is an excellent way to make the world go away. It soothes the savage beast.

But . . . if anything I have bumped your thread to the top, so hopefully we can get some replies for you from the WH's.

Atruheart - you could be right about him trying something new with the OW but somehow I think it was more of an emotional affair (yes it was physical too). She is Asian, speaks little English and was really something totally different to me. Very needy, whereas I'm very independent. All the things that attracted him to me have been thrown in my face. I'm ready to get busy in bed but he is holding back. Hopefully, time will help. It would be good to feel desirable again.