The confusion... am I confused or is he confused? Am i clear or fuzzy.... I feel my antennaes are not hooked correctly.

I go from "he ain't man enough for me" "Just be a man about it" to "She ain't right for you" then finally the step it off "I try"....

My love is on a trying state, there are days when I wake up in love.. most days I'm in love, some days I'm in lust, some, I'm just bitter, angry, and sad.... or I go through every one these emotions through one day....

When he wants to be commited I want to throw him to do the curb!!!!!!!! I deserve better! Then, that little voice says "they are all the same, you gonna leave him for another loser!"
Then the other voice says "You love him, you can't even go to bed at night knowing that he is next to you."
Then there is this external voice that says "Do all you can to save this union, and when you beleive you've given enough time and effort, you can make a good decision to stay or to leave."

Then there is another evil voice "just don't be stupid....break everything inside the house including the precious laptop and pack silently and LEAVE RUN RUN RUN PRINCESS SPREAD YOUR WINGS"

Then the superego: You want this, you like your little home, and wants to keep it whole. You love this family, you love him so much that you've lost your soul to him.....you're stupid, but that's ok.

Then the ID: Princess RUN! PRINCESS DO ALL FOR YOU BABYGIRL!

then the ego: I'm doing great, I love my life, but I expect pain, but there is no great love without splenters..........


I will end this post with..

"She ain't right for you... she don't love like I do... I spent all my days chasing a love that she took away, but I feel, what I feel...its real"

All these voices.... you're working it out.

Par for recovery, as far as head trips go ...

Kee p working on finding your center.

Pep

After the last msg I found, I nearly turned the gas on and end it.. end everything because frankly noone is worth living, I doubt I am worth living if I have to endure so much pain.
I didn't the easy way out because all my MB friends stood by me.....told me about the addict. H and I had some serious talk. He told me that when he feels so down, he doesn't know how to stop his fingers from talking to the OW. He said me leaving left him with hopelessness and he just sent her the msg to tell her how he was and he made it for so long without any contact to her not even an email, then he screwed up. WH cried and wanting me back....and wanting to work at the moment.... I ran to MB asking my friends... they told me it was up to me.. but they thought my M was hopeful and I just have to regain control. Either I'd stay or go....but do not make any drastic decision...

good advice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am doing better now...I didn't even take medicine.....I tried and pick my chin up from the ground..if I'm so desperate and stupid WH won't want me anymore OW will look so much better. Anyways OW wants to be my friend. She wants to talk to me, but she says that he can't stop herself from loving my husband and that she is sorry, but it is breaking her heart that he loves him so much.. and I asked her if she knew his last name.. she said "no, but you know mine" "Indeed I do, I know everything I need to know"

Anyways, for a whole month I didn't check my H's phone. When he came home that day in a bad shape and started to be rude to me, I cought on.. and search.....

I pointed out to him one thing.. i said "honey, look...you see the minute you dared and contacted her.. didn't you see how terrible you feel? Did you see how it eats you inside?"

Then he told me.. "last time OW told me that the magic is gone.. that its not so special anymore.. but she still loves him."

Anyways he told me he doesn't love her, but he cares about her, and that she has been comforting him. Then I reminded him who lives with him, who supported him all those years, who he cries to, who loves him enough to cross the ocean, who loves him enough to fight for him.. he said "I know, I know, its you I love, but I just wish OW would be part of US"

I was like "this is your fantasy, and soon enough....."

When my H decided to make things work...he was bitter towards me for not contacting the OW...and mean we barely had intimacy.. I mean there were moments he would hold me, kiss me, but nothing more...... and I was getting angrier and bitter because like he wanted to punish me in some way.

After the hard talk.... he has erased OW's msg's all of them...........he has also deleted her phone number and he wants to change phone company for his phone. He said he wants to come to USA with me... and that he cannot live without me, and that he loves me.
And the intimacy is almost like it was when we first met... lots of it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .... but uhmmm... t

He is sensitive to critics...and me I got ltos of them to give at times.. and Its killing me that I have to hold back.. but I'm working on myself, that is the key.... working on myself.

I am not saying this is going to work, but uhmm I am understand a LOT better.... why, how, and its not my fault!!!!!!!!
The OW and I have so much in common it's almost creepy except she's ugly lol...

"Do all you can to save this union, and when you beleive you've given enough time and effort, you can make a good decision to stay or to leave."

Harudah - This is your best course of action. You are very young, and have a great life ahead of you. Give it your all, so that you will not look back and have doubts.

I am. H wrote to me from work saying he wasn't feeling well and that he hates that place. I said that I was glad he wrote to me and that he should calm down ....

I'm glad he wrote instead of doing something stupid.... he apologize for being weak,a nd stupid.. so on.. but I know how to handle his fallouts.

I can't fly to USA...that is definite, can't leave him like that....even when he wants to come with me. It's not a good idea. I am still waiting on the job.. if I get it, it will lessen his financial pressure although he doesn't want me to work, but I told him it is best.
We had such a wonderful three weeks, he took off and he had a day week off last week and a day off this week....so we've been having activities, and getting things done inside the house.

I was suppose to go for a drink with a friend, I decided not to, which is bad, but I am not going to have temptation. Even when he says he isn't jealous, he is. If he knows I am hanging out with guy friends he gets all disorganized.
Well, that's it.

I am trying to be the wife I used to be before I got all mean and bitter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am going to try to make him focus on other things when he gets home. He might need anti*deppressors more than I do.

Well, that's it..

Still in the battle <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I thought that I could do it, but does the rollercoaster ever stops? One night, i go to bed happy and the next I'm staring at the walls for 3 hours, so I start snooping...(found nothing) He probably got better at hiding. You see.. I have no trust, no confident...almost no respect for my husband. I still show respect, but I don't beleive in him. I mean, I still care, maybe that's the way it should finish... in plan A. I will do it until I feel no more, or until I feel. I love him, but maybe I love him out of fear. With me, time has to talk,a nd I feel pressured somehow.. I'm always in a hurry. Why?
Yesterday, I was in love, but this morning at 2 am snooping, I sure wasn't. Then I felt rotten for having to snoop. Did I have a reason yesterday? Not really.. just making sure. I listen to the sound of his keyboard. If he is chating with his buddies online, I want to look.

Last night he told me something, he said he isn't like other man that will lie to me HA HA HA .. he said what he did, was not a plan and he is still hurt from it. Not like I am hurt, but in his own way. Like we talk without the fighting..calm. He said "I did what I did, because I felt hopeless, I did it like I've done most things in my life, with no direction, no real plan.. Just like I messed up everything, my career, I thought...why stay faithful...why miss out on other girls? Then I felt rotten, I couldn't hold it from you. I dislike myself for what I did. I might show otherwise, but I am no longer "PURE" with you. You are not my one and only just like I am for you."

I listened, I said "yeah, i thought about that, I thought what you've done."
It just buggles me, maybe he has in his mind that I am going to pack up and he will never see me again. He keeps repeating "I want you to bury me, my wife is my wife."
Then he said that when woman are on their teens, they fell in love faster, and deeper....and men, its only the opposite, when they get older, that's when they fall really in love.

And me and my big mouth said.. "let me tell you the reason...girls, we mainly fall in love with our perception of the guy....we get to know him, then we just stay because...no other perception come as great as your love..and make a mature decision to love and fall in love. Then men only fall inlove with their wives because of all the **** the women have to put up with ...then they realized they cannot live without that woman by their side..."

We have a 9 year gap between us, and that scares him badly. He appreciates that I am younger, but it scares him in many ways. Although I think I might be wasting my youth on a loser, and I'm just too blind to see it.

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
I've been there before
but that life's a bore so full of the superficial

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you...yeah

Some people search for a fountain
Promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them

And in a world on a siver platter
And wondering what it means
No one to share
No one who truly cares for me

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you...yeah

If I ain't got you with me baby
Nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me baby

I played that song.. And couldn't help but to cry.. I'm so emotional... I'm an idiot... an idiot! that's my song of the day

This is like my daily journal. WH went to bed... he said he was tired.. ok.. he woke up early for work..but he came home early today.. I was scared someone was entering the apartment, but no... pretty normal day.. we went shopping, looking at things.. eating candies.. have our occasional political debates... Was a fairly normal day, but why is it almost 2 am again.. and I am singing the same song of last night. yes I checked the cell phone.. which is no longer locked ha ha ... It's ritual... uhmm anyways it doesn't prove anything anymore. I don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth. but ok.. I'm holding on..
He is happy he is coming back from work earlier tommorow and said we should go to lunch, but I told him I have other plans "my bank account". I now own a cellphone which he doesn't know aobut.. I think I need my own world now. I need to separate my world from WH without being separated from him.

I can't really sleep right now.....all the things in my head swimming.. EVERYTHING! I'm going crazy. I think about me....I think about my family...my friends. WH talked about the OW last night, but never refers to her as "Laurence" but as "That girl"... I wonder.. why... why not say her name.. its like its the forbidden word. Whenever she comes up....he always say.. "I get into that thing, with that girl" like his whole vocabulary went to the winds

Anyways.. I'm tired, I can't sleep...I'm just going to knock myself out with one of my joyful sleeping pills.