Don't you just love the emotional roller coaster?
I would not send the email. This might get wordy, but bear with me.
I see some similiarities in the two of us. One of the reasons (read: excuses) my WH gave for not being honest with me about a lot of things was his fear of what I would do.
I have battled depression most of my life, but didn't realize it. In high school I was hospitalized for two weeks with suicidal tendancies, but considering my family life, it wasn't too surprising. After I got out of the hospital, I went to some counseling, felt better and never went back. I had some anger management issues as a teen, but as I got older I learned to control it for the most part and just figured I was "fiery". Once I got married, my WH asked me many times to see a doctor for my PMS, because my ability to reason and control myself at that time was about zero.
Anyway, over the years, he learned to not trust my reactions to stress.
In Feb. 2003 I finally went to a doctor who told me that what I was battling all this time was depression. I told him I'm a cheery person, it's not depression. Well, we talked and he prescribed an antidepressant. My life TOTALLY changed.
WH was sent to school for two months in April 2003 and I found out I was pregnant a few weeks after he left. He came back in late June, was home in July and August and deployed for a year in September. He never saw the change in me. I was here, a remarkably changed person and have been for almost two years. Now, I wasn't violent or hateful or anything like that. But, I did give him reason to question my reaction in anger. He told me he was afraid of what I might do in a temper even though he knew if I did something he would deserve it and I would regret it later.
Enough about that. The reason I tell you this is because if he is worried about YOUR reaction to him or to youself, he will continue to use it as an excuse to lie and distance himself from you.
You are in Plan A. Be the lighthouse. Be strong. Don't send the email. What is the purpose? To show your angry but won't do anything, YET? To show your hurt? He won't see it or care right now. He will pull out the things he wants to and justify his actions to himself.
My WH has not come back to me. BUT, I can tell you with almost 100% certainty that he wouldn't be struggling with his decision at all if he had not seen the change in me. I didn't do it for him. It happened long before he came back. BUT, he had made what issues there were HUGE in his own mind. He had exagerrated them to insurmountable proportions. He expected me to "freak out". I didn't. He couldn't even grab a little kernal of "freak out" to build into something larger.
He has told me over and over that one of the things that made him realize he had maybe rewritten some of our history was the fact he was so wrong in his assumptions. He had built it so big that the fact there was NOTHING for him to see made the discrepancy even bigger.
Point one for FIM.
Again, he's not back. But, he will NEVER be able to use my reaction as an excuse for his leaving. It's on him.
Be that lighthouse!! No LB's. No judgements. Show him why he should be there. Will that email help or hinder?
Remember, he IS NOT thinking as he normally would. Instead of thinking of what would work on a normal person, look at whatever you do and ask yourself, how could he turn this around? What could he pull out of it to justify his actions? If there is something, he will use it. Guaran-frickin-teed!
I would point out one thing. Don't take this wrong because it is something I often had to remind myself of.
You say you are on a rollercoaster you didn't choose to get on.
While you didn't choose for him to have an A,
YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO FOLLOW THIS PATH TO TRY AND SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. It DOES suck! But, keep in mind that this IS your choice. There is power in that alone. HE isn't doing this to you. YOU are doing it, YOU are trying to save a family. Take credit for it. You DID choose this rollercoaster. GOOD FOR YOU!! You don't have to and no one will fault you for not doing it. But you chose this rollercoaster. You could have got on the other one, the Wild Divorce Rollercoaster. BUT you chose to try this one out first....and it has more ups and downs and twists and turns and stomach flipping make you sick drops than anything I've ever been on! Own it and be proud. YOU HAVE CHOSEN.
One other thing, I understand the anger about making the decision on his own. My WH told me he really thought about this and it wasn't a decison HE came to quickly. HE thought about it from March to May. I NEVER knew there was a problem. HE decided, with the help of OW that he was in a horrible marriage. They are stupid. They know that if they talked to us about it, something could change and that is not what they want right then.
When I told him that if he said even once there was a problem, I would have FOUND a way to keep us talking, to get him home for a week or two, to get us into counseling or talk him into seeing a priest there.
He said, well, I guess that's why I didn't tell you. I needed to figure it out on MY OWN. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
