Hi Folks,

Well,I have been talking to my MIL and she thinks that I should spoil any potential plans for my WH and the homewrecker by suggesting that I have changed my mind and do not want to file for a D because of our two girls and then of course my marriage vows and that I know we could work through our problems if we both went to counseling.UGH.She wants me to keep putting pressure on them by waiting it out longer so maybe the HW will get lost.

Of course,I am SPENT.If I agreed to this,how the heck would I go on?? I'm already at the end of my rope. Plan B wasn't really working for me anymore and all I can think about is how much work WH needs to do for himself,let alone us.

The other problem I see is that WH could say,No,I still want to proceed,in which case I would also feel the need to agree.I mean,he hasn't done any real work at all these past 8 months,only very minimal in the beginning.Am I giving up too soon?

I am now even more conflicted as ever and just want to end it all but I have 2 girls that need me.Every time I feel secure in my decision something else comes up to sway me back into ENDLESS mental anguish.

I had planned on talking to my girls in June,after they get out of school,about why I am divorcing their father but now I am stuck again.As WH drives up to see the homewrecker this weekend instead of spending it with his children like he SHOULD be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I am so conflicted.

Any words of wisdom one way or another? I just want this all to END.Should I listen to my MIL and take her advice? This HW will not be welcomed into the family but at the same time,I just know that we could have such a better marriage if he only tried.I was so ready, willing and able to look at my own faults,be there for him too and have a much better marriage.But WH keeps choosing to have the HW fill his needs instead of his WIFE.

It just seems that WH is willing to allow this to happen as if he is off the hook.That also gets to me.Am I making this easier for him by filing? He knows he will get scraps in a D.He will be poor,see the kids EOW if that,no dream home anymore to live in,no support from family,painful looks from his kids,no more friendship with me,etc,etc.

ARGH.Well,any input would be much appreciated.I just don't know what I am doing anymore,I consider myself a very strong woman but this situation,I feel lost.Completely and utterly torn.

O

October Girl - Wow I am sorry - And though I am not saying divorce is great or if it is the thing for you - I think that you are the one that has to make the decision - Though your mother in law would love everyone to stay together - your exhusband is not making any changes to make you think that he wants to be with you .... I myself -got the lawyer and got the ball rolling in my divorce because while he was the one that wanted it - he wouldn't have ever got it going -because then he wouldn't be able to say -well she started the divorce.. I mean your husbands actions are talking louder than his words.... Ok a question - before you mentioned divorce was he still seeing this homewrecker?? And now that you have mentioned divorce - he is still seeing this homewrecker??? Has he given you any reason to think that he wants to work on your marriage???

IMHO, I think you should ask your WH to file for the Dv. Tell him politely that you have waited patiently because you love him, but you are at the end - maybe all he needs is a push from you that you have had enough and maybe he'll get off the fence. Tell him if he chooses the homewrecker that he should be man enough to file and let you move on w/ your life and find love again.

JMHO, but if he truly wanted out, wouldn't he have filed?

I am praying for you and hope that you are keeping strong.

BB2

I know exactly how you feel. I too, am close to being OVER it. I think to myself, even if he did come back, DO I WANT HIM BACK? Through counseling, a lot of reflection, I am really realizing how REALLY lost (DUH) my WH is, and really, how he has been that lost for a long time. And while I was not perfect, there were a lot of things I did, not just because I was difficult or missing the needs he needed to have met, but because I was REACTING to stuff he did or did not do for me!! So, I have learned to be a lot easier on myself!

Even though I think that, the whole reason I am here on this site, in counseling, hired the marriage coach, all of it, is because I wanted to fight for my marriage.

I heard something really interesting at my divorce/separation recovery support bible study group this week. Ironically, it was about reconciliation.

They were illustrating how people will go back and forth in a relationship. Imagine a top line, and then a bottom line. Then, draw a line inbetween both...the top and bottom lines are called the limits of harmony...and the middle line is the line of reconciliation. See my shabby illustrations below...

In a damaged relationship, someone does something outside of the limits of harmony (for example, HAS AN A). This separates both people in the relationship. Eventually, one person will come back to that middle ground, that middle line, called the line of reconciliation (the betrayed spouses on this site are there waiting FOR A LONG TIME). And the point is, eventually, the wayward person comes to the line too. The question is, will the other person still be there waiting.

And they shared, even though people were convinced their mate would NEVER come back to the line of reconciliation, an overwhelming majority ALWAYS DO. So, what this specific counselor does, is make the one spouse who is/was willing to reconcile sign a "contract" that they will wait at the line of reconciliation for a period of time (12 months, say) NO MATTER WHAT. No matter whether the person is OVER it, wants to leave the line, whatever...they committ to staying at the line, and being willing to work on the marriage, even if at first they are still there waiting for no other reason than they committ to being there.

When you first wanted to reconcile:


Your WH
limit of harmony------------------------

line of reconciliation ------------------
YOU
limit of harmony------------------------


Now:
Your WH
limit of harmony------------------------

line of reconciliation ------------------

limit of harmony------------------------
YOU

Most Likely/Eventually:

limit of harmony------------------------
Your WH
line of reconciliation ------------------

limit of harmony------------------------
YOU

Where you need to be to rebuild your marriage:

limit of harmony------------------------

Your WH
line of reconciliation ------------------
YOU

limit of harmony------------------------

So, what am I saying? I am saying, wait. Wait. And yes, I do agree this is a decision that only you can make, but, at one time, you thought this was worth waiting for. And more hurts occurred, or you started to lose feeling for your WH, or you just want to end the indecision. But, you should wait a little longer.

I also agree with the comment that was made that your WH should file. I know my WH wants a D, he has "told" me this. Ok. Quit talking then. Go through the time, energy, EXPENSE, and trouble to go and do it. Otherwise, SHUT UP.

JMHO! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Two for waiting and let WH file and one for movin on.lol

Ok,if I could turn off the segment of my brain that thinks about WH then I would surely wait for as long as it takes.But since I can't,what the heck am I supposed to do with all these thoughts in my head?? Like right now.WH is supposed to be here having his time with the children,they expect it and need it.But no.He is just about now,in Toronto with the homewrecking parasite getting ready for a big Memorial Day BBQ I'm sure.He claims to be there for a wedding which is a LIE.

I really feel mostly like I want to continue to file.Yes I could let him do all the work but in a way,it empowers ME.I have waited 8 months already which may not seem that long in the grand scheme of things but it feels like an eternity.If he thinks he can go on forever with the HW then why should I keep holding onto what was and not what is? I should go back and read my old posts.I am losing my stamina not to mention my wits.

How long am I supposed to let my WH hurt me? I could wait years for him to get back to that line of reconciliation. I have been waiting there since last October.June will signify 9 months and going.If he truly wanted out,I do believe he would have filed but now,if he truly does not want to actually go through with a D,then he can make that change at the last hour is what I am thinking.If he doesn't then he was too selfish,stubborn and cruel to continued to be married to anymore then.

Right now he is sitting in righteous indignation and I can see it on his face.Every time I give just an ounce of myself,he immediately takes that openess and stomps on it, instead of feeling my pain,he looks at me as if I deserve it and I should apologize.

Well, I think I am back on track.Seeing WH this morning briefly made me second guess myself again.I know what I have to do and I was doing it.I need to keep proceeding with a D.I can only tell my WH so many times that I wanted a better marriage for us and for our children only to have him quash my spirit each and every time.

Remind me why I am fighting for this man? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

o

<small>[ May 28, 2004, 04:34 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

OG -

My tale is going on 15 months. I plan Aed way too long - now going to Plan B. I am going to move in w/ my parents 3000 miles away from my WH & home.

I called his bluff on 5/3, he said he wanted a DV, I called my mom, asked for money to pay for it, I was out. This actually got the fool of the fence. He said could we just take a "break", I told him he had till Dec 1st to file for Dv or move back to east coast, go to a MC & be prepared to work really hard for at least two yrs repairing all this damage & then work on what got us here. I also told him w/ DV, I am not his friend & when I leave next week, he can talk to his DD via his MIL. That's my makeshift Plan B! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

All the boxes packed & with movers coming on the 5th, he is really out of the fog. He told me he actually likes not talking to her. He finally regrets what he did - before he was proud of his new "love". Last night he asked if I would fly back out to San Diego & drive back with him to Boston. He is acting like this is for financial reasons only - because he wants us "together".

My feelings right now, do I really want him back? I truly need to separate from him and figure it all out. After all this Bu**Sh*t, I think I am completely drained. I have been going to the doctor's because my former friend/OW gave us a nice STD - HPV, and I have had 4 bad pap smears - fun stuff. He gets to screw around and I get the chance to get cervical cancer!!! Where is the fun in that?? I find myself getting angry at him for his being so selfish. He told me that he is ashamed that he did not think of me or our DD the whole time he was involved w/ her. How could he lay w/ me every night in bed, tell me he loved me & everything would work out all the while he was still screwing her??? This thought & others like that are why Plan B is going to get me to re-think about me & DD and not HIM!!!

Keep strong, I'll keep you in my prayers.

BB2

O,
I feel for you so much. I am in the exact situation and everything you said could of been me. I think that time could work for both of us, but I know how exhausting it is. Each day you think about what could and should be only to have your hopes stripped away. My prayers are with you.

Hmmm. What to do? I vote to wait, but detach. As you know, I was on the brink of the big D after over a year of WH running wild. But I have stepped back from the edge, and taking the time to work on my own healing.

WH is still about the same. He talks, but no action. I am to the point where I don't care.

OG,

U know I am an OG, just like you. ((HUGS)).

Anyway, you have been so kind to respond to my posts, I thought I would do as much for you.

Let WS do the work. You know you want your H, and marriage. I know WS is out there, on another planet. Let him do some work. You know you can make it right. It is up to you whether or not you are up to it. You are in plan B. Do you even want this back?

Don't give WS the satisfaction of letting him off easy and filing yourself. Will this let WS off the hook? Do you want him to feel good about this? It is up to you.

Just know I am praying for you all. You do what you need to do. You know your WS better than I do. LOL. Anyway, whatever you do, it is all good.

Just remember, YOU ARE WORTHY. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I know how you feel. We are in the same boat.

I think the first thing you must do is putting up more boundaries around plan B. Put up the i dont care and i dont want to know boundaries. If you dont know then it wont hurt. Every news about WH that you hear will only make you go crazy.

Look at plan B like a revenge tool. Silence is the tool.

If you divorce him then he will have the chance to tell everyone that IT IS YOU who quit on the marriage. If you wait then he has to do the dirty work or OW may quit first.

The last round i fell off the wagon...WH told me that he could not divorce me even with OW asking him to make a decision. This is good news for me.

You are also fighting OW by staying married. OW will NEVER be the WIFE and will always have that agonizing thought of WH leaving her. Let OW suffer with that thought day and night. So why should you quit now. Fight OW and dont let her win until WH makes a decision. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks again ladies.

Hmmm.Well,maybe some time will help with this one.More time? I still go back and forth daily several times a day depending on which way the wind blows.lol

I make up my mind to keep on filing and then come here and read that I should tough it out some more.ugh.

My main concern I guess is this: if I keep on in a Plan B of sorts,let this HW meet his needs every so often or more often(e-mail cell phone) isn't that working against me? They will never get to see the bad sides of each other living in fantasyland and that is what it is.Stolen moments here and there,no LB's,dinner's out,all that jazz that I should be having.Maybe I am making it out to be more grand than it really is but I am sure that HW is making herself look like the best choice right now.

It is just SO infuriating that WH still keeps on with this adultery.I just don't know how a WS does it and makes it through each day.I honestly could not live with myself being that selfish and deceitful.Geeze.

I know what the problem is though,each and every time I have an interaction with my WH this is what happens to me: I lose my grip and start to waffle.I second guess myself and get hurt.Anyway,thanks again for the support.

O

P.S.

I just sent off a short e-mail to WH that if he is still open to talking with me,BUT about saving our marriage and family and our love for one another,then I will be open to that.I also suggested talking with Steve.So,we shall see what he says after his weekend jaunt with homewrecker. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

o

Go back to plan B. Dont contact WH anymore. It is clear he is not ready to come home. Make your plan B tighter.

You are again hoping and expecting when you send that email and you will get hurt AGAIN. Then when you get hurt you will have that i want to divorce him AGAIN...so go back to plan B.

Focus back to yourself. Dont sent emails and dont expect replies. NO CONTACT WITH WH!

I was there too a few weeks back...BS are in our own fog too...get out of it.

OG,
I am feeling everything you are. I have a meeting with an attorney on June 8. I have told WH that I plan to file on that date unless he starts to show me changes. We have had 3 false recoveries. The last time was 3 days ago. He promised NC and reassured me each time I cried about how scared I was of getting hurt. when I read the emails to her, I puked and flipped out. Anyway we are seperated again and believe it or not again he isn't sure if he wants me.

I know how hard it is. I too know that I want to file and then I read here about making him do the work. I know I want the M, but I am so tired of feeling like my life is on hold while he is moving on with OW.

My fears are that I have allowed him back into my life 3 times only to be crushed. I think that he feels I will always be waiting to take him back. I am hoping that pushing the D idea will make him see that I am serious. I also wonder that if he lets me do it then was there really a M to save. I seem to be the only one that has fought for it. Maybe it is time for them to fight for us. Sometimes I just want the pain to stop. Is this how you are feeling? I read your post and you seem to have more strength than me.
My email is CoolDuck22@hotmail.com if you want to talk.
Take care
CoolDuck

Hey Ladies,

I think I'll post one more for the night then go to bed.

Ziz,

I KNOW about getting my behind back in Plan B or whatever.I need to follow my own advice right!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I remember shelling it all out to newbies months ago but I haven't gotten anywhere since then,just more of the same.I know WH is not ready to come home,the thing is I don't think he will ever be.

Coolduck,

You and I sound like we are in the same boat.I have had 2 false recoveries and many other hurtful discoveries and such since then.I DO want the pain to stop.How many times am I supposed to let my WH hurt me? The A was bad enough but then to endure more and more is like being tortured.

I had a small taste of recovery in March for the first week WH came home.Boy,did it seem real but I knew that recovery would be just as hard if not harder.I HATED the feeling of not knowing if WH was telling me the truth or if he was secretly e-mailing the homewrecker,which he was.It's like a death over and over.UGH.

I am just feeling like if WH cares at all about us,our marriage,the children and his family,he will pull out of his nose dive just in time before the D order goes through.If he doesn't,I will know for sure just how much he doesn't care for me and the girls anymore and so then I shouldn't want to have someone like that in my life anymore.I will not be second to anyone.

So my plan is to keep slowly filling out my paperwork and see what happens.This,if anything,feels like the right thing to do.Waiting doesn't feel right anymore.Occasionally I get second thoughts like this morning but I return back to what I know I must do regardless of anyone elses opinions now although I appreciate them nonetheless.It helps me to review the reasons why I am doing what I am and bounce these feelings off other's for their input.

Coolduck,Ill try to e-mail you tomorrow ok? Maybe you can tel me a bit more about yourself.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
o