As I sit here and ponder all that has taken place in the last month of my life I just can not believe I am back in this same place...Actually not the same place because my heart is much more detached now. I never wanted to look in the mirror and see my eyes and see that kind of pain ever again...yet...here I am...My H started an internet relationship about 2 months ago now I found out after a month and a half...He told me he was not getting his needs met at home. He ended the contact with her shut down his accts and we started over. I let everything go. I just totally connected up to him and trusted him that this was all over. We had a wonderful 3 weeks. Then I found out he had actually been back in contact with her from about 1 week on. So I told him that it was over between us To move out and not come back. Well he decided he wanted to stay and to end contact with her. I told him that he was not sleeping in our bed That he had violated me by making love to me and telling me how much he loved me all the time carrying on with her. I told him he is not welcome in our bed until I know he is done with her and that he gets help. I also told him I was not keeping his secret any longer That I would tell who I wanted whenever I wanted and that he needed to be honest with our children as to what was going on in our home. They are older teens so I knew although they wouldnt like it and would be sad that they would be okay No more secrets I saw that giving him total loving and accepting him back in to our bed after finding out about the ia was not the way to do it. He just took advantage of the situation. And he has hurt me worse than he can ever imagine. I really think when I told him to move out and that I was seeing an attorney that he was shocked I would say or do that. So we are a few days with NC and he has a pretty good support system around him I told him that he is going to need a *fix* and that what he chooses during that time will decide what options we have. I have come to realize through some counseling that right now we are not working on our relationship. He needs to get the help he needs. I am not responsible for his addiction. That needs to be dealt with before I can even begin to work on my relationship with him He is going to go to a place in Nashville Tenn for some help in June and that shows me he is serious about getting help. More than anything I want him to be healthy for his children. If our M works out that will be gravy but right now am no where near trusting him or letting myself get close to him. I know that there is alot talked about here on restoring the marraiges and I think this is great but for me that is not the most important thing right now. My H needs to get help and that is the only chance we have. It tells me how strong the addiction is for him to reconnect up to her again knowing he was risking our relationship. He has even talked of giving up his job to go be with this person he has never met so....I know he has totally lost his mind! Sometimes I think tough love is the only way although there is that part of me that just wants to give in and go back to *normal* but I also know normal only lasts until the addiction takes over again...I am now just going to focus on changing the part of me that would let myself get hooked up with someone who is addicted to relationships and who would hurt me like this. This is truly one of the cruelest things a spouse can do to another and this isnt love. Love does not betray. So although I feel a little shaky inside today I am strong and I will remain strong because there is somewhere inside my heart that I love my H too much to enable him to stay sick....Eliza

love means never having to say you are sorry...

I didnt agree with it when it was said in Love Story and I still dont!!! Eliza