roughroad,
Well here is the reader's digest version...
On 9/6/2003 my wife said she wanted to move out, she wasn't happy. I was blindsided to say the least, but in hindsight, I should have seen this coming.
I had/have issues with anger at times, I'd lose my temper. Never cursing or anything violent, but stepdaughter and I would get into arguments, wife was critical, etc. So I am very much to blame for a good deal of the unhappiness.
I examined the server logs not too many days after than and found out she was researching a man with the initial of FL who lives in Dayton, OH. I confronted her about it and she said he was with Humana healthcare (TriCare) and travelled into the area servicing Scott AFB. Since W had never lied to me before, I had no reason to doubt her.
She stayed out late a few nights (Wednesdays) and told me she was out with some girls from the pharmacy she worked in.
On 30 September, she moved into her apartment. I helped her move.
She went on a retreat on 11/9/2003, or at least that is what she told me. I was helping her as SD and D both were in school in Belleville, so I drove over there and picked up the girls, taking SD to school by 8AM and keeping D until pre-school at 9AM. SD was trying to tell me that W was seeing someone, but I said no, she told me she is just going out with girlfriends.
Well on 11/17/03, I had surgery for a hernia repair and that night, W visited. My cell phone kept ringing, but the number was unknown, so I didn't answer.
After W left, the phone rang again, so out of curiosity, and thinking it might be a family member checking on me, I answered the phone. It was a woman who claimed to be FL's wife.
Well I called W's cell and she didn't answer. So I called the apartment and asked SD who F was, and she said that was the guy W was dating. I then called the inlaws and explained that W wasn't telling us the whole truth about what was going on, that she didn't move out to find herself, but to have relationship with FL.
I finally got in touch with W and told her that FL's wife called me. I said I would support my D, but I wouldn't support her as long as she was in this relationship. (I make 4x to 5x her income.)
She hung up on me, and I guess she called her mom, who already knew. W and I talked for 90 minutes after that, and I really thought she was beginning to see this wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
Well the next day she was upset that her dad found out, and I also called FL's wife. I learned that it was not FL's wife who called me but one of W's co-workers. FL's wife confirmed that she had information that her husband was e-mailing someone with my W's first name, and that she was out of town the weekend of the retreat, so it appears they met together that weekend.
I then called FL, the OM. W wasn't happy about this either, that I was interfering with her life and her friends, etc.
So after Thanksgiving, I asked her why she didn't file for a D, and she said she didn't have the money. I told her she would get 1/2 of our assets and 1/2 of our debts in a D, so the money would come from that if that is what she wanted. I told her I didn't want a D, but didn't want to feel trapped.
She thanked me for this, and nothing happened for a while.
I thought we were going to have dinner on 12/26/03, but she cancelled and asked me for money instead. I got angry, because one of my ongoing complaints was that I often felt like all she wanted from me was money. I felt like she avoided my attempts at conversation, affection, sex even prior to her announcement on 9/6.
So I told her that starting 2/1/2004, the remaining credit cards would be shut off, but I would still pay the amount she requested for CS and pay her van payment and insurance.
Late in January 04 she filed for a divorce, and I was served on Friday 13th 2/13/04
She is still seeing FL, and in fact, she took FL to her parents on Easter. (I guess there is a praise that she went to church for a change.)
She says things like God didn't want us to marry, because we went against God's will it was ok to divorce, etc.
Of course, when I ask her to show me such things in scripture, she comes up blank, with no answers.
I spoke with her a few weeks ago, asking her how she was doing, what her plans were. She asked me to stop worrying about her and trying to take care of her.
So I said fine, I wrote her an e-mail explaining that I would do just that, I'd start paying traditional IL child support, 20% of after tax income, she would get the money every time I got paid. I would no longer pay for her van, or her car insurance, meaning she would get even less $$$ from me.
I further explained that I was not going to go out shopping for things, but I was using the money to pay off debts, so as property and debts are split, there would be less debt she would have to assume, etc.
I copied her parents and my parents so there was no misunderstanding regarding abandonment or anything like that.
She refused my D settlement offer which was basically joint custody, with 60/40 physical custody arrangements, the CS offered was the full 20% even though I was asking for my D for 6 out of every 14 days. Assets and debts essentially split down the middle, I take the house, any equity in the home and all the credit card debt. She keeps her vehicle and the debt associated with it. I keep my two vehicles (9 and 10 years old, BTW) and we would divide the household goods and furnishings. My 401K and IRA was to be split with her as well.
She didn't counter and wants a judge to decide. My attorney says judges don't care to make these decisions, and it is unlikely I will have to pay many of her legal fees since she is making the divorce difficult. Her attorney is asking for all 8 years of financial records, etc, wants depositions, etc.
I would rather mediate to save the money. I'd rather give money to her and my D than pay lawyers a couple hundred an hour.
Since we've made a settlement offer and she has refused with no counter offer, then it is unlikely that I will have to pay all her legal fees.
I made what the court would probably agree is a very generous offer to settle.
Her attorney has asked for CS/Alimony as well as $5K from me to pay his legal fees.
He won't get Alimony or $5K since I don't have that kind of cash, and given the amount of credit card debt, we will simply argue that W is not making any payments on the debt, while I've eliminated about $13-14K in debt during the past 8 months.
So that is where I am. My W controls when I can see my D. I have a journal of all contact. For example, I called on 5/26 asking to speak with D, and W said D was busy and couldn't speak on the phone. I asked W to have D call me when she could. Two days later and I've still not heard from D.
I still desire to reconcile. W says she won't tell me what I did wrong until after the D. She is afraid I will use anything she says against her in court. So she offered to talk to me after the D is final.
So I need a miracle. I need for God to touch both of our hearts. I still get upset and defensive at times. Like when she questions my motives such as the using things against her.
Well, that's my story. I'm sure there are other details, but you have the general idea.
I love my wife very much, I know I failed in loving her in a self sacrificing way, as we are called to in Ephesians. I know that God can heal our marriage and the broken hearts that both my W and I have right now.
Tony
