My marriage has always been my top priority and everyone who knows me knows that! I mean I have forgiven him twice before for having A's (1-EA & 1 PA). This last one was a EA as well, at least that is what I was told. Any way....my family is really angry!! My father and step-mother have said that they NEVER want to see him again! That won't be difficult right now because he is in another province, but of course I want to fix my marriage and my family is not very happy about it. I understand thier anger because they have had to go through this with me before and they are fed up!! I have told them that if there is a chance to bring my family together than that is what I will do!! I just have a hard time with what to say to them. I sort of regret telling them anything!! I wish I would have kept my big mouth shut at times!! But I needed support from somewhere!

I find that when the hurt party is seeking support they dwell on the negatives. Somehow during the healing process we neglect to tell them the positives.

I think this is because we wait until the hurt is built up large enough to seek outside support. Then it's a "big" story. But the healing process comes in tiny little steps. And many times we don't believe those steps ourselves or they seem so insignificant that we neglect to tell our support network about them.

Maybe if you asked your family to read a few articles from marriagebuilders.com they may come to understand what you are trying to do. Also, don't forget to go to them when you see positive steps as well as negative steps. This may be hard at first since they may be negative at first and you'll want to avoid the unpleasantness of the conversations. But then you'll be tempted to only talk with them when you "need" them, which means they'll only hear the negative aspects of the relationship.

If all I heard were negative comments about a person's spouse I'd be angry too that they were trying to get back together.

April

You can't have it both ways.

If your family is angry... they own that. It's not up to you to change their ~feelings~.

However, if you demonstrate that you ARE in a ~healthy~ marriage .... over time your family may change their feelings about your H. That is entirely up to each individual.

One of the things my WH did at the start of our recovery was this ... he apologized to individual family members. And this helped my family grieve and move through their hurt and disappointment.

If your H is man enough to do that himself, I would expect a better relationship (eventually) to be the result. If your H is unable to give apologies for whatever reason... I don't think your family should change their feelings much.

This is NOT about your "big mouth" ... it is about your H's character or lack of.

If my H had not taken the high road to recovery like he did... I would have divorced him.

If the relationship between your family and your H is damaged because of what your H did ... YOU don't fix a damn thing.... leave that to your H.

Your H damaged the relationship ... your H makes amends.

Pep

I'm in much the same boat so I can't give you any advise. I do know how you feel though. I have been with my h for 25 years and now there's a huge wedge between both families. My family doesn't like him because of what he did to me. I am having a hard time forgiving his brother and sil for allowing him to have an affiar right under their noses and covering up for him whenever I called. Also when he and I were seperated and he was living with the sl*t they were prepared to welcome her into the family with open arms and forget that I ever existed.

This has caused a real problem between my h and I, he loves his brother, I love my family. The way it is now he can see his brother without me and I can see my family without him.

I am sure that your family is reacting out of a wish to protect you. I can tell you this: my sister's husband had two affairs, and I didn't know about them until YEARS later when my sister finally confided in me. For a while, I didn't even want to be in the same room with that creep - notice, I still refer to him as a creep - but because I love my sister and her children, and because they do love him and they did work things out, I decided to keep my thoughts to myself. I try to treat him with love as I always had. He is not even aware that I know the truth about him. This ability to treat him nicely didn't happen over-night. I had to see with my own eyes that he had made some changes in the way that he treated my sis. I will also tell you this: If he EVER hurts them again in that way, I will let him have it with both barrels, and I will have a hard time ever forgiving him again. Since your husband has already messed up twice before, I can understand your family's reluctance to forgive and forget, but hang in there. If you truly love this guy, and he is willing to change in a way that will show his devotion to you, it may take time, but I would like to believe that your family will come around at least a little because they ultimately want to see you happy.

I was talking to my husband this morning, and he said that he believed that getting over an affair or insuring that you never again became involved with another person was a little bit like trying to lose weight. You don't just diet, avoiding certain foods or eating just low carbs or whatever; you have to change your lifestyle. That may mean beginning an exercise program, ridding your home of fattening goodies, staying busy, and eat to live, not live to eat.

He said that if you want to insure that you don't have an affair, you change the circumstances and lifestyle that allowed the affair to flourish. In his case, he was not accountable time-wise, and spent a good deal of time alone. He has changed that. We didn't do a lot of things together. WE have changed that. Our level of true intimacy had declined. Now, we are very close.

I hope that your family does indeed welcome him back. As I said, this may take time. Just as it takes time for us to recover from the trauma of the affair, so do our families. My two daughters are a good example of this. They have been phenominally supportive of me, and now that their Dad has his head screwed on straight again, they have begun to re-establish a close relationship with him. It didn't happen overnight. It has taken more than four months now. Don't be discouraged. I'll be praying for you.

Whew! I just read what Pepperband wrote, and I'd have to say that I'd like to add that to the novel that I wrote (I have got to make an effort to be less verbose!).

If your husband would address this himself like a man, it would probably do more to re-establish rapport between him and your family than ANYTHING you could say or do.

My husband sat down with our two daughters and one of our daughter's boyfriend (he had been there when they found a note from my husband to the OW) and apologized to all of them, and gave them an opportunity to say whatever was on their minds. He sat through some pretty emotional venting, but it helped them, and you know? I think it ultimately helped my husband, too. This was just after the affair had been discovered, but it began a healing process for them.

Sorry I'm so long-winded. Just trying to help

We4ll, the wedge is there because of his actions, not because you told them. They should have been told. You need your family's support when your spouse is betraying you. And they have every right to be angry, that is a natural reaction when they see your H mistreating you.

What needs to happen is your H needs to apologize to them and prove to them that he is a suitable H now. It is up to him to repair his damage.

And I wouldn't avoid your family just because your H is scared of their rightful anger. He has to deal with it. Its not fair to punish you by avoiding your family just because he is afraid to face the consequences of his actions. You shouldn't be deprived of your family in addition to being betrayed!

I am sure that they will eventually get through all thier anger but after the last A my husband went to my family and begged thier forgiveness. He was bawling like a baby and poured his heart out! And after that my H and father had a closer relationship so now my dad feels betrayed too!! I have talked to my dad a little about it but the wound is too fresh. I will contine to pray for both my husband and my family!

Thank-you all for being there! So many moments I feel so alone and it is so nice to know that there is somewhere I can go and communicate with others who have and are going through the same thing! (not that I would wish this heartache on anyone) There are times when I just feel crazy and that nobody understands but I now know different! This is not the kind of rollercoaster that I like to ride on! You know what they say....what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> One of the things my WH did at the start of our recovery was this ... he apologized to individual family members. And this helped my family grieve and move through their hurt and disappointment.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H's mother and both of his sisters are extremely angry about H and I reconiliating our M, and recovery from my A. They feel H needs to divorce me and take the kids away from me inorder to recover. Bullsh**. Sorry, venting, still mad, was in court getting an order of protection from the psycho MIL this MORNING...but i will start my own thread.

Pep, I am curious about this apologizing thing. I am not sure how to apologize to them...help me see what I am sorry for regarding them...they were never part of our life before...only came swooping in to say "told you so" when H confided to them of M problems. I am willing to do anything to help not just H and I heal from my A but the ENTIRE FAMILY too....help.

My WH's family really laid it on him. In fact the A came to daylight in a manner that my mother in law tricked him into coming to the hospital (yeah, we had his dad in hospital that weekend) and she laid it on him. She knew he was heading home to talk it over with me as I had caught him.

The siblings and parents stayed mad for a good while. Very disappointed in him. It felt good to have the support but it also got to where he didn't have a person in the family that he felt comfortable with. The family basically decided to back off and said they respected our need to fix this ourselves. They backed off as they wanted our marriage to work and felt we all were pushing him away.

But I can't tell you how much it meant to me. I have more love from them then I ever realized. And in fact, I think it has brought us closer.
No doubt that is a need that my husband knows that I meet as I do love his parents dearly and will do anything for them.

Even if we do get a divorce, I don't see OW EVER getting any acceptance into the family.
WH has got to know that as we have seen the manner in which his parents have shun other live-in mates of his siblings. They don't have a bit of a qualm telling their kids that such and such is not welcome in their home. I've seen them shun one fellow 8 years until the relationship was over.

Personally I'm telling everything. Although WS has asked several times for me to not include them in things. I tell him quickly I'm not hiding or lying about anything. If he is ashamed then he should ask himself why.

The only thing I have left out is the details of sex. But his family knows that I take part blame in the lead up of the failure. They know my bad parts too.
This is no holds bar for me. I want to give it everything I have and I will use anything and everyone to assist me in my mental health and assist me in saving our marriage.
I have exposed some pretty ugly stuff about myself along the way. It is a humbling experience but I need his familys support. I have not painted the picture of poor pitiful me. I have attempted to tell it like it is.

Shame our WS's can't do that. Its very envigorating to be so totally honest. But I imagine if I ever get the chance to work on our marriage that I won't feel so envigorated then . . . UGH.

Good luck in taming the family.

I totally agree with what Pepperband posted.

"I have told them that if there is a chance to bring my family together than that is what I will do!! I just have a hard time with what to say to them."

IMO you should tell your family and your WH that YOU aren't going to DO anything more to save the marriage (let alone his reputation)! If/when he comes to his senses and chooses to what's needed to regain the trust and respect HE lost, you can support him in that, be his partner in rebuildign the marriage. Until then you just remain open to reconciliation (but not forever).

MY WH sometimes says he wants to come home... BUT he wants me to take the blame for everything and/or to pretend that what he and OW did was in no way wrong or harmful! He doesn't want forgiveness... he wants everyone to pretend he did nothing wrong. No deal. Plus he wants me to just take him back no questions asked, no proof that affair is over, no counseling, no changes, no committmenet even (just start dating and 'taking it one day at a time')... NO WAY!

Two out of three daughters won't even speak to him anymore and the only one in my family who thinks our marriage can maybe still be saved is my mother (and she only thiknks that sometimes). And the ONLY way he can regain the trust and respect of his daughters and my family is to earn it back. If he doesn't love his wife and daughters enough to do that than it's his loss. 'Saving face' can't be his # 1 priority with saving his marriage and family 2nd place.

This time he has to admit he has problems and go to counseling until they're fixed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> MY WH sometimes says he wants to come home... BUT he wants me to take the blame for everything and/or to pretend that what he and OW did was in no way wrong or harmful! He doesn't want forgiveness... he wants everyone to pretend he did nothing wrong. No deal. Plus he wants me to just take him back no questions asked, no proof that affair is over, no counseling, no changes, no committmenet even (just start dating and 'taking it one day at a time')... NO WAY!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is exactly what my WS says as well...maybe they are clones <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I expressed to WS the one person who he needs to make things right with is our son...I would think he would want to do this without being told ..but he refuses as he states..."I will not come home with my tail between my legs" ..and if I had of been smart at the time I should of replied..."You will be lucky to come home with any tail at all" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ May 29, 2004, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

Hi New Outlook,

Yea, they act as if WE are lucky they might come home... hmph

If I settled for what my WH is offering my daughters would lose all respect for me. Oldest daughter says she will move out if WH moves home again. And that is damage WH is going to have to fix. His daughters don't trust him anymore because he lied to them and broke promises so many times. He has a lot to prove to them and he hasn't even started. Meanwhile, divorce date gets closer every day...

I would rather go through with the divorce than to settle for less than what I want and deserve. If he's not man enough to defend me against all the lies he told his family and OW, then he will lose me. I will NOT settle for being his secret friend so he can save face. His family lives in another state and sometimes he suggested we should date or even live together BUT keep it a secret from his family! He's also tried telling his mother and OW he had to come home (false recovery that lasted one week) because if he didn't move back home I wouldn't let him even speak to his daughters. What sort of idiots believe such bs? (mommies of serial adulterers and sleazy OW I guess)

He's so worried about protecting his false pride that he's making it impossible for his wife and daughters to be proud of him. While he's focusing on trying to keep me somehow without having to admit to anyone else that he actually wants me, I'm looking forward to replacing him with a man who wants me enough that he'd be proud to have everyone know it. I won't date until the divorce though. And I don't want to rush into a new relationship. But if/when I do marry again I think I will take great pleasure in flaunting my happiness with my new husband.
I won't have a revenge affair... but maybe a happy future with a better husband.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I won't date until the divorce though. And I don't want to rush into a new relationship. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Meremortal..your situation sounds so much like mine..I agree with your above statement...one parent has to set the example for our children...I have two granddaughters...they will know in the future that I kept my dignity and morality throughout this ordeal..I told my son I would not do anything to hurt him any more and that includes dating before D..funny thing with our WS's..mine stated he has not been happy for thirty years...so he has an A...if he was so upset because everyone is upset with him about this why does he still continue to have A after it is exposed..so if he really wanted to make things right he would D me and marry her..but of course she is not the marrying type...so he continues on with his immoral acts even though he states he knows having an A is wrong <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> try and figure that one out...