My W has been confronted a month ago about her A's she is having with two men.......
One is a co-worker that I know for a fact it is PA and I am pertty sure the OM is PA too....
I have confronted her A month ago with a cell phone bill of all the calls she is making to the OM's especially the co-worker....
this has done nothing but her denieing it and saying their just friend........
I needed hard proof and I had the house phone tapped and I got them on tape, mostly the co-worker. She calls him every morning after I leave for work and they talk about how horny they are and want to have sex, this really hurts hearing this..... the OM I only have them talking and saying ILY and sweatheart, I dont know if thats strong evidence too but she gave me her word that she was not talking to him anymore.....

This seems to be not dying and they say things that hurts me alot, i know things she may say are only words to just impress the OM but when she say things like she wants to leave me it hurts alot.....
The two OM dont know each other but she is playing both of them, I cant believe whats she is doing and How it's hurting me and my children.....

I want to confront this and put and end to it but I really need help on the best way to do it and not mess it up.... I love my W and I want to save this M......

Please help guide me the right way.....
A friend recommend to expost the phone tapes to her as the hard evidence, I felt bad doing this phone tap but I needed to know the truth....
these A's have been going on for 1.5 years, when they got to a PA, I dont know????

Please help....
Deeppain.

Hello,

I feel very very sorry for you. I think you should think long and hard about this. Your wife is putting your health at great risk and betraying your marriage. You need to think about protecting your children. I personally would contact both OM and tell them what she is up to.

I would sit down and present the evidence to her and make it clear that you both need to go to marriage counseling at once. In addition, make it clear that there are consequences to her actions and that you have no intention of staying in a marriage where your wife is screwing two different men behind your back. Of course she must write NO Contact letters to each. If she refuses to break contact and ignores your request that I think you should seek out an attorney to know your options. If you are perceived as a doormat then there is no reason to change her behavior. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. What do you think her reaction would be if the roles were reversed? I suggest that you read the book Tough Love by James Dobson. I wish you luck.

OK, deep, in your next response, plese include some more info: ages, kids, how long together, etc., and any pertinent history.

Do you know these guys?

Do they know each other?

If you have tapes, I suggest you confront her calmly, stating you have "some" tapes and see what she does. Of course, she'll go ballistic, but see what she does after that. If she still denies, reveal one particular tape section, but no more. Tell us what happens then.

In parallel, and NOT to delay, inform both OM's that they each have competition, if you know how to contact them. First, they may not know she's married, or they may have believed her that you're getting divorced or that you're an axe murderer. Second, tell them she's "sleeping around" with who knows how many guys? If they know she's banging other guys, they may take pause. Regardless, expect them to tell her that you did this.

Next, if she still denies, you have to expose further - to family and/or close friends.

Tell us everything that happens.

Read the post linked in my sig line below.

oh my gosh DP, i know you are not really posting to be felt sorry for but i can't help it. i am so sorry for what you are going through and w/2 OM. i don't have the words to say. but i don't think i will be the only one to say this but don't feel guilty about doing the phone taps and i do think you need to let your W hear them. the forums tend to start getting slow around this time and through the weekend so don't take it to heart if you don't get a lot of replies right away, especially w/the holiday on monday.

i don't have a lot of time to type but if you can try to get counseling w/steve harley. i think it will help you out a lot. of course the best counselor of all is God, he's always available and free. but i think it still helps to have someone you can physically talk to and SH is an expert. if you believe in the MB concepts which i think you do, then sometimes the best thing to do is to go to the source, which is the harleys.

i'm not sure where you live but if you have access to a computer that has speakers you can listen to some messages online that will give you a lot of support, encouragment, and peace. i've listed those websites in my thread titled "doing what i can for as long as i can....." please check it out, you won't be sorry and it will change your life forever. it would be best to listen to the bott radio network. i'm wishing you strength for what you are going through and will pray for you, RR

I like WAT's idea to expose the affairs to each of the OM.

You could even do it anonymously and not even mention the tapes (at least for now). Or have somebody else ocntact the OM instead of doing it yourself. If the two OM are tipped off about each other, they will probably start LB'ing and pressuring her. Meanwhile you can stay back, Plan A, and wait for the affairs to fall apart.

Then if that doesn't ruin adultery land enough to straighten her up, you could still confront her with the tapes and expose her affairs to family & friends.

I BIG part of problems between my WH and OW was when she found out she was only OW # 7; he's a serial adulterer. It ruined their little 'met the love of my life' fantasy when she realized she was not only 'the' OW but just one of many OW. She was already upset because he wanted to still spend time with his wife and kids... guess she hadn't planned on sharing him with future OW too.

<small>[ May 28, 2004, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Do NOT tell your W or the OMen about the tapes!!!

Whether or not you decide to confront them is something you need to decide but do NOT present your tapes as evidence of the EMR's.

Tapping the phone is illegal in most states without at least one or sometimes both parties in the conversation knowing the line is being taped. Don't put yourself in jeopardy by admitting or proving HOW you got this infomation. They might decide to retaliate legally. You can reveal whatever you now know,,even repeat parts of their conversations, quote them,,but DO NOT allow them access to the tapes or tell them how you found out.

<small>[ May 28, 2004, 05:09 PM: Message edited by: Nerlycrzy ]</small>

And if you were to tell them the phone is tapped, they would simply stop using it and find other ways to talk.

I was going to say don't mention the tapes. But I can see that has already been covered. I'll add another reason for not divulging the source of your info. Simply put, she will not know how you know. But you do know and when she goes into her denial speil, you can stand fast.

As for contacting the OMs, I say go for it. I'd recommend a short letter to each, mentioning that you love your wife, value your family and have every intention of pursuing recovery. Mention that there are other OMs too, but I'm not sure that fact will make a difference. Make sure that the letter is loving and non-confrontational. Assume that your wife will eventually read it. Keep in mind that if you are aggressive in your letters, OMs will get defensive/react and that will not further your cause.

Put together a plan for yourself and your marriage.

Hang tough m'man. This sucks so bad, but you can get through it.

dewt

OK, they're right about the tapes. Very right.

WAT

DP: Dude. What is happening? Have you confronted her?

I agree with everyone's advice. Confront her. Tell her you know. Do not divulge the source (tapes) because you may want to know what is going on in the future, and the whole legal issue. And tell the OM's.

One more thing. Another unpleasant situation, but, I would really recommend going to see your Dr. There are SEVERAL BS's on the site who have picked up little problems from their spouses promiscuity, and if caught early, were able to take care of any issues and not have it effect their long term health. All of our WS's CLAIM to have used protection, etc., and MANY of them have OBVIOUSLY lied!

You can do this! The folks here will help you. Also, read, read, read, read and read all the principles on the site. About Emotional Needs, Lovebusters, Plan A and Plan B, and read all the articles on infidelity. You will be then armed with the best information out there to rebuild your marriage after infidelity. Your marriage has suffered a devestating blow. The stuff you can find here just might help you heal your relationship. But, please note, everyday that your wife stays in the affair, your chances of recovery is reduced. So, get busy confronting (without love busting), exposing, and proving to her that she can have ALL her needs met right there at home. Get the book Surviving An Affair.

And there MUST be a reason she is hooking up with multiple partners at once. Figure this out. I know how much it SUCKS to be hurting like you are, and simultaneously own up to things YOU could be doing better in the relationship, but that is going to be one of the first steps.

You will have some great support here. Hang in there!

I would recommend hiring a P.I. to obtain the evidence for you. Whether it is illegal is a moot point. Even if is illegal your wife is not going to do anything about it. She is not going to want anyone to hear her sexual conversations with the OM. I would use the tapes with evidence the P.I. obtains and present it to her. It is the secrecy of the affairs which needs to be exposed in order for the affairs to stop. In fact, I would play the tapes to both of the other men to show them that your wife has been cheating on both of them. In addition, I would tell OM's wives and also your wife's and coworker's employer.Protect yourself by seeing a lawyer. Cancel any joint bank and credit card accounts before exposing her affair. She has to see that there is going to be serious consequences to her inappropriate behaviour.

<small>[ May 28, 2004, 08:13 PM: Message edited by: yosh ]</small>

deep - if you choose not to reveal the tapes, when you confront her and she denies again, you can simply quote from memory something she said on the tapes. Make it something that you couldn't possibly make up. Even if she still denies - which is what you should expect - SHE will know you know.

Your most promising course of action is to reveal to the two OMs, and to reveal to her family, assuming you're on good terms with them.

WAT

deeppain,

From someone who has been/is in frighteningly similar shoes, let me begin by wishing you luck. Chances are this is not going to be a fun and/or easy ride.

Something that I heard many months back, that I didn't understand at the time, was that you will be better through all of this. ALWAYS keep your head up, regardless of how "inflamed" the situation becomes.

First off, exposure.......
Expose to her first. Do not reveal the source of the info. You may need it down the line. Be sure to be loving and supportive. DO NOT LOVEBUST! This will go one of two ways. She will admit to and agree to end the affairs (which I must say, doesn't sound real likely.) Or, she will deny, call you crazy, etc. Ah yes, option C, which I was the lucky recipient of. Yes, I'm having an affair, no I won't end it. Either way it seems quite likely that this will not end upon exposure to her.

So..........
Make a list of who you should expose to. The dueling OM's are obvious, although in my case they already knew about each other. (In fact OM#3 when they first started dating, asked my WW if she was "playing him." Nah, dude, this is how all true love relationships start... About a week after ending an R with your boss, while still M. Isn't that what they write romance novels about?..... I digress.) There's a chance that they already know about each other, and don't care. (Hey, it's a "free" piece for them. I know it's hard to think of WW that way. I know....)

I would expose to her family, if you're on good terms with them. If you have any married couples that you guys are REALLY good friends with. Keep your exposure simple. "WW is having two affairs. I want to recover our M. Please do what you can to help me recover my M." Leave out the gory details. I know it sucks to carry that around with you. Trust me. If you get someone that just doesn't believe you, you may have to give them something to nibble on. In my case, MIL (understandably) wasn't coming to grips with WW's actions. About 3 weeks after exposure, she said she "guessed" that WW was having a PA with OM#3. I calmly told her that I had told her that some time back. If she preferred, I would give her a copy of the emails that show WW's last time and place with OM2 and first time and place with OM3, but I didn't want MIL to have to see that. I think she got it after that......

Make a list and expose to as many on the list in the shortest period of time. Prioritize by who is likely to "gossip." Leave them out or call them last. DON'T TELL WW THAT YOU ARE DOING THIS! If she knows, then that gives them an attempt to do damage control. (You're crazy, he's going around calling people telling lies, etc.)

For you:
Begin reading. Learn about infedilty. Learn about Plan A and Love Busters. Immediately institute Plan A. Immediately eliminate LBs. Take care of yourself. Get to a doc. EAT RIGHT! Exercise. Sleep. If you have any questions about MB stuff, then ask. There's always a ton of people to help.

Also, learn the art of shutting your trap. If WW says something to rattle your cage, be quiet. I instuted a rule that if WW said or asked something wacky, then I would respond then with a "hmmm... I'll get back to you on that." I learned to wait three days before I made a decision, to let my emotions die down. If I felt the same way I did at first, then that was probably my true feelings. If not, then I needed to think some more.

Keep your head up and know that you are not alone in this.

Good luck....

Ethan

Thanks everyone for your imput......
Sorry for not commenting back but I could not use the computer at home.

friday night she got upset at me and then went out to the mall she says....
Saturday morning i was working and went i came home she left to get some things done, I checked to see if their was calls and she was talking to OM's. First was the co-worker and finding out they had sex in the back of his car friday night and having phone sex on how horney they are....
then she cut him off and she calls the OM and talked a short bit but not sexual talks but lovenly talks.... after she calls back the OM (co-worker) and starts up again....

I don tknow how much i still can take hearing this especially finding out they had sex in my home.......

I am real nervious about the tapes, thats the only hard evidence I have and i dont know even if it's in my home and the phone bill is in my name , it's OK...
I cant beleave you can get in trouble for finding out the truth......

I am still confussed if I should reveal the tapes or not. i know if I tell her some things that were on the tapes she will want to see the tapes....

This was my plan...
-Make a tape for W to hear, if it came to that with both OM's.
- Make a tape for the OM's W's but only their H voice.
- I am not sure about this one but a tape the the OM with the OM voice talking to W????

Not sure if this is a good plan....
Thanks everyone.....
Deeppain

Please consider this sequence:

Tell both OM's wife first (they're both married?). Tell her/them you have hard evidence that you can share eventually, but don't tell her/them what that evidence is.

Tell both OM's about the other PLUS the fact that you have every intention of trying to salvage your marriage.

DO NOT let your wife know that you are about to expose her. Reason: she'll take action to poo poo what you're about to tell the others.

After you expose, confront your wife with evidence from the tapes, but not about the tapes themselves. Let her guess you have tapes, but do not confirm or deny you have any. OF COURSE she'll want to see/hear the tapes. Too bad. Let her squirm.

WAT

<small>[ May 31, 2004, 08:03 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Thanks WAT.....

I just dont understand why I am so nervious about exposing this when it's the right thing to do....
When i expose this to her family they will for sure ask for the evidence to believe it or they will believe her...

For the OM's W's they will want a copy of the evidence for their belief too.

Deeppain

deep- keep posting, you will get great advice and support here at MB.

LOVE YOUR W ENOUGH TO EXPOSE HER A.

She will be angry, too bad!!! It is the only way to save your M, to expose and then end it and recover.

She is "your" W, do what ever you need to do to get the evidence that will help you fix your M.

I will be praying for you. HUGS!!!

KY-4

Thank you...

Yes, I do love my W and I want to save my marriage.
My three children I can see that they are suffering too, especially my daughter. She is acting out her actions and my W does not see that...(D13)

I feel that way too, I must do everything that exposes the A out in the open. It cant be love if she is with two OM??????

Deeppain

Please read this link. Telephone Taping Laws

You can't tell her, the OMen or anyone HOW you got this information. Use this information for your own piece of mind, knowing you are NOT crazy, you are NOT imagining things, and you are entitled to the truth. Do not use the tapes to PROVE anything to anyone.

Repeat conversations to them,,quote them, whatever, but do not admit taping. Tell them you overheard it on an extention phone. That you hired a PI and he provided the info possibly via a scanner,you're not sure how.

<small>[ May 31, 2004, 01:01 PM: Message edited by: Nerlycrzy ]</small>

Thanks for your comments...

I live in Canada, does anyone know the laws here on phone tapping.

Deeppain