I gave my H the letter on Wednesday and he left. The problem is that I'm pretty sure that he went right to OW's house. He said when he left that he would go to his sister's house but he never showed up. He hasn't spent one night at his sister's house. What can we do? Should someone let him know that he won't be able to work this out if he's spending his time with her? I'm just afraid that he'll never get a clear head if he continues to be around her.

Also, he finally asked today to see our son. I took him over to his sister's house for him. He spent about an hour and a half with him and then left. Probably to go back to her. I just don't feel like this plan B is helping him sort things out. It feels like it just pushed him right to her. Did I do plan B too fast? I just couldn't stand it anymore. Any suggestions, PLEASE?!

BW (me) 32
WH 32
DS 9 months
Married 7+ years
DDay 5-6-04
Plan B 5-26-04

I think it's possible you went to plan B too fast. On the other hand, that's a generalized statement as I know nothing of your story.

Anyway, the point is, you need to breathe. Relax. This not an easy thing to go through. Not by a long shot. Part of plan B is letting all this go. When you are in plan B, there is little point agonizing over where he is or what he's doing. And making any effort to find out will undermine what you are trying to do.

Post here more. It's generally pretty slow over the weekends so you gotta be patient.

dewt

I know you're scared. Try to relax. Plan B will allow him and the Ow to spend more time together... more time than he probably ever intended to spend with her. It will help end the illusion of perfection they have pretended to each other. They will start to have some unromantic moments. And depending on how much cake-eating your husband was doing (getting emotional needs met by both you and the OW) your WH not having you there to fulfill any needs anymore will put all the pressure on the OW to try to meet all his needs. He will beocme more critical and demanding of her... and she will do the same with him. And he will naturally be depressed about missing you, which she will detect and probably LB him about. Be patient and be calm. Plan B is really hard at first but it gets much better.

I hired a marriage coach (Penny at SYMC). She told me she has more hope for a marriage when the WS moves in or intensifies their contact with the OP. Why? Well, it is just as meremortal explained. It is no longer about "Oh I love you. You are perfect" "No, you are perfect" "No, you are perfect." And all the lovey dovey baloney when they are cake eating (because he can have all needs met by you and her, and then, can have the patience and ability to only show her the false fake sense of who he is, because it is not so all encompassing). Once they are together non-stop, it turns into, "Wow. I didn't know that you NEVER put the cap back on the toothpaste." "Hmmmm, well, honey, I did not know you were incapable of putting the lid down on the toilet." And so, their little fantasy land goes, BYE BYE. Mix in major, deep seeded guilt (after all, on some level, somewhere, deep down in the recesses somewhere, they know this crap is WRONG), add in some major pain (because his wife is no longer meeting any needs, I don't get to see my kid much, and when I do, I split after a short visit, because I almost can't stand to be in the same room with MYSELF, my buried guilt is threatening to erupt so bad), and walla, he will probably let his "Taker" show face to the perfect homewrecker, and she will not like that.

Hold tight. Believe it or not, the odds are very much in your favor that this intensity of contact will not be pleasant in the long run for either of them.

In the meantime, I would evaluate what you are doing for you to move on and find a healthy place for you to "be" for awhile. Because, it is possible that this could take awhile to fizzle out, and if you are tracking the daily activities of your WH, you are NOT in plan B. Plan B is for you to stop obsessing in the minute by minute play by play of the drama formerly known as your marriage. Time to change the channel, and start to watch the emerging new hit, named, "How 'Reallyscared' evolved to 'reallystrong'"

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

This came from IC and it helped me ALOT. You are allowing him to take control. You need to have control of your life for now while he sorts things out.
It is a waiting game so take control of what you can and that is YOU.

Keep yourself busy, do things you've always wanted to try. If you have contact with him seek assistance from friends and family to have someone to talk with directly after you speak with him. Plan B is supposed to be you completely in the dark and away from him.
Swith up your schedule some just in case he does attempt contact. Be illusive.

As others have said, post, post, post. If someone doesn't respond in a timely manner and you are freaking out. Bump the thread up to the top and post that you are desperately needing a response. Many of helped me when I have my freaky moments. And I've had to bump my own threads to get someone to help. But eventually someone will respond to you.

Thank you for all of your advice. I know that plan B is supposed to be about me, but I'm having such a difficult time. It drives me crazy that while I'm at home being a mom, he's out pretending to be single.

How long does the average plan B last? By the time I gave him the plan B letter, things were really tense in our house. He even said that somethng had to give. So, I worry that he may not have negative feeling towards the OW for awhile since things were so bad when he left. Any thoughts?

For those of you with kids, how do you work out arrangements for the WS to see the kids? Is it just a case by case thing? I feel as though I should have absolutely no contact with him and that he should go through his sister if he wants to see our son.

Again, thank you so much for your help. I am really feeling at the end of my rope lately. I'm so glad I've found this site.

BS 32(me)
WH 32
DS 9 months
Married 7+ years
Dday 5-6-04
Plan B 5-26-04

Hang in there...plan B is not so bad once you get the hang of it...expect to fall in plan B...expect false recovery...then after all that...pick up yourself...brush off the dust and get back on the wagon again.

I have not found any planBer who has not fallen off the wagon yet so prepare yourself and hang tight.

Sorry can't help you with the children question other than I have read that it is best to get a willing person to work with you and be the intermediate.
I would ask whomever if they are willing to do this as no doubt it will put some work on their part to be the go between.
So if his sister is willing, that would be great.


Focus on being the good mom you are. And DON'T assume that everything is wonderful at the OW's.
The more he has contact with her, the more he'll see what she is like. This is good.

OW make demands, OW have bad habits, OW have quirky ways that he has to adjust or just plain dislike, OW are human, they are not perfect angels. Don't allow yourself to buy into the sales pitch that WH has bought into. When real life becomes apparent . . . thats when he'll come out of the fog.

My H moved in with OW almost immediately, too, ReallyScared. He's too stubborn to admit this is a bad idea -- though everyone around him knows she's bad news. So my story is not a happy one to date.

Nevertheless, I remind myself that this was going to happen ANYWAY. Going into Plan B didn't cause this -- it merely accelerated it. Accelerated it in an unhealthy way, in fact (they never really had an open courtship, it was living together immediately).

So console yourself with that. It would have been insane-making to watch this play out in your house. Plan B insulates you from their free fall. Every time you think you have made a mistake, remind yourself of that.