all this concern...
I am not sure what to think.
I feel like leaving here.
My H wants me to stay on board-but I need
to think about some things.
I need some space, from this, from H.
thats what happens when I get pushed-I withdraw.
I confessed PA-that is what was advised.
I regret it. (the A & the confession)
it is too painful for H.
I shared some thoughts privately with WK1,
we experienced some of same processes of
withdrawal. I said some things to him, I will
never say to H.
Does a WS deliberately twist the knife?
I can't win. I feel like I will always
be 2nd guessed-I deserve that much.
who can trust me ever again? I don't
even trust me. I am falling behind in
my progress-& now I have the guilt of
not pleasing my H.
It's too much.
some things will never change-
we fake it-happiness,
& then SLAP-reality...
back to my mistake-my regret-my stupidity
my ignorance-my weakness-my fault.
its all my fault
my life is my fault-
I made some wrong choices-
must I wear the scarlet letter
FOREVER?
I'm at a loss-I don't have the words H
needs to hear-
day by day by day
I am here tonite to chat
then I will break away-
this is too consuming

PAL - You did the right thing. Yes, it is very painful now, but you can have a better marriage than ever before. I can see you are feeling very bad right now, but things can be better.

I am the BS, and believe me, I don't want the marriage that we had before back. Please try to stick this out. Then you both can make adjustments and prepare for a wonderful life together.

Sharing thoughts privately with another wayward spouse is a bad idea. You know it - whiteknight knows it. It hurts and concerns your husband. You KNOW this. And instead of apologizing and seeing it for what it is - you get angry at the people who are TRYING to HELP you? THAT is typical WS behavior. Turning the anger outward instead of owning up to bad behavior. You're not helping whiteknight any either. Don't throw a tantrum - just quit doing things that hurt your husband.

pal,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> all this concern...
I am not sure what to think.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">know that we care about you and your marriage!!!

please don't leave, it is hard, i KNOW!!! remember, i confessed too, I really DO know how hard it is </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Does a WS deliberately twist the knife?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">of course not, but you have to trust your H as to what feels like knife twisting and from what i hear that is when you DON"T talk to him.

pal, your H loves you, give it time, i understand, really i do. it is hard for each of you to have to see the other's pain but you both have a right to that pain. something i struggle with is allowing my H to share his feelings without having it in turn make my emotions go nuts because all that accomplishes is teaching my H he cannot open up to me. all that tells him is that he must keep it in. but I don't want him to keep it in. it is hard not to let the saddnes and remorse over power you. it is REALLY REALLY HARD!!! but when we do that, we make it once again about us and not about them. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like I will always
be 2nd guessed-I deserve that much.
who can trust me ever again? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">no, you deserve to be given a second chance

pal, your H loves you, he wants to work this out and learn and grow with you. you can do this!!! </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> now I have the guilt of
not pleasing my H. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what do you mean by that?

i have often thought about trying to get my H to come here, but i actually think he might disapprove if he knew i posted here like i do but i also wonder if knowing he was here reading my posts would make this support system less effective for me.

is that the case with you?

i really hope you do not break away pal. I will try to keep reading tonight but once H gets home i'll have to log off and i probably won't be back till tuesday.

pal, i will keep you very strongly in my prayers this whole weekend. i hope we can chat more.

pal, i have to sign off for the night, i'll try to check in sometime during the morning, then i am away from computer till monday night.

hang in there pal!!!

thank you FL.
hope4-advice like yours is criticizing...
no-I did not not know emailing another
MBer was wrong-is that written somewhere?
maybe you should email me the rules-so
I know what to do & not do. any one can
email me. peaceandlovemb@yahoo.com
I came here for support-I am hurting.
I feel wk1 is a strong support for me-
he cares-I need that-I have no other
friends to confide in.

PAL of course you can e-mail anyone you want to. It's still a free world <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I only e-mail other women though. My H wouldn't like it all if he thought I was e-mailing other men. He was even worried I was talking to other men here but realised all I was doing was getting help.

PAL, you didn't mean to hurt your H by talking to WK and we all know that.

Stay on the board. You and your H will do just fine. He sounds a very good man, just a very hurt one and he hasn't got that on his own around here.

Jenny

<small>[ May 28, 2004, 11:37 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

I don't know that it is a published rule, per se, but the point is, that any marriage is vulnerable and can be impacted by an A. And the way that happens, is that spouses look outside of their marriage to have emotional needs met. And when that happens, it can lead them down the path of infidelity. And the point is, you ARE hurting. And the point is, you do need support from people who have walked in your shoes and can lend their insights. But, there are a couple of things to consider in relation to your discussions with WK1. They are 1.)They hurt your BH (if I am understanding your original post correctly); and 2.) It could put you and WK1 in a position where you are having ENs met by each other, so you are thus, vulnerable to developing an inappropriate relationship (especially since you are of the opposite sex).

Now, and I saying, well, because you were someone who chose to have an affair before, you cannot possibly have a healthy innocent friendship with a person of the opposite sex ever again, so naturally, we should all be suspicious and questioning your friendship with WK!? NOOO. I am not saying that. I am just saying, right now, in your recovery, your BH needs you to invest that energy, that level of disclosure, that level of discussion, that level of confession, that level of everything in just him. And while I think WK1, and others, can help you put a perspective on your daily struggles in all this, it may not be the best time to develop other relationships independent of the safety and censure of the publicly posted threads on this board, because, fair or not, your husband's sense of safety, security, and need for assurance that this will not be a repeat offense, are probably top of mind for him.

I do not think anyone wants you to wear the scarlet letter. And if you BH is anything like me (which, honestly, I do not know if he is), he probably wants all this business to be over and behind him too. But, just as painful and tramatic as this all feels for you, it also feels for him. It is terrifying to think that the person you trusted with the gift of your heart and soul, for reasons that were their own reasons, they betrayed that sacred gift they had been given. And most BS's want so desperately to turn around and just give the gift away again, but, in reality, they just need to have some time to heal, some time for the WS to prove that they will value and honor and recognize what a gift it really is.

Just a BS perspective. And I hope you can open your mind and empathize with it enough not to take it as a person slight to you and your role in your current situation.

I wish you the best.

peaceandlove,

confide in your H. He is supposed to be your best friend.

I just fear that WK is too much into the past, which will not help you to recover. Just my very humble opinion. No disrespect intended.

Believe me, the BS can take whatever you have to say. Trust me. As a BS I can say that the truth is a relief. Witholding truth by omission is what hurts more.

You are doing okay. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You have friends here. Just trust that your spouse would rather hear the truth now than later on. Takes longer for recovery that way.

Hugs and prayers,

Love in Christ,
Miss M

good morning
thank you
kindness of friends help
I am feeling better today
look forward to seeing H-
he was gone last night-
helping our son move-
He needs me-I need him...
life is OK-time will help-
it always does.
I have loved H my whole
life-that will never change.
I never quit loving him
during A-I was selfish &
thought I could love 2 men.
STUPID!
I am past OM-he is nothing to
me-just part of my past.
I want to look up & shout-
THANK YOU LORD!

PAL, it was not my intention to criticize - I was just pointing out what seems very obvious. Your actions were concerning your H - which would mean they would probably be the wrong thing to do - yes?? I mean, come on, that seems like pretty basic logic, right? This isn't a matter of rules - it's a matter of principal. You're husband is realing with emotions of fear and hurt - so now would be the time to act in HIS best interest instead of your own. Right?? Is that being critical? I think it's common sense. What's not to understand - what's not to know? Emailing another poster ISN'T the problem - another wayward spouse, one who at this point in time is SO FAR from 'getting it' it's scary (especially for his poor still-in-the-dark wife) and one who happens to be of the opposite sex...that's where the concern lies. EVEN IF it didn't concern your H in the least - it's not a good idea. It's not a RULE - it's just practical.

I'm glad to hear you still love your H and you're over the OM. WONDERFUL news. But remember - as good as this realization is to you, you're husband is still hurting and tender. Treat him with the utmost care and respect so that he can heal.

Wishing you all the best - Hope

thanks hope-
sensitive is my
middle name.
WK is still my
friend & I will
stand by that.
He is getting
closer to telling
W. He-like me needs
time. we need to
encourage him to
confess. he has
been ill for a
while. It took me
6 months to my
confession. I truly
did not think it
was such a bad
thing to communicate
with him. It was all
about our withdrawal.
BS don't want to read
that part.
it was harmless venting.
thanks again hope-
I need all the
friends I can get.

pal, I think the point is very emotional stuff should be discussed with someone of the same gender, doing so with wk puts you both at risk (not that m/f cannot be understanding and supportive to each other)...it doesn't mean you did or are doing anything wrong...just taking unnecessary risk, as well as the fallout of ones spouse (such as your H) feeling threatened, which is inevitable and normal. Perhaps you can ask one of the females her to email with you.

As for telling, it was not about fixing your marriage (but necessary if that is to happen), it is about your mental/emotional health...and yes, it is strong medicine....but now you can heal....you should not vest your hopes or well-being on the marriage...that will survive or not on it's own merits...you should focus on yourself, and your depression, and how you process information and live life....try Dr phil mcgraws self-matters....IMO that is what you need now.

pal, it is nice to see you are feeling better this morning. i am glad you are continuing to post. i must tell you, i hope the friendship you keep with WK does not continue as private emails. of course it is your choice. i can understand the desire. i hope you can understand the risks and understand the impact for your H.

You mentioned feeling over OM, i'm not sure if that means you are no longer needing to talk about stuff that you don't want to say here or not. I was involved with OM for 2 1/2 yrs, there is A LOT of stuff for us WS to process about the whole experience too. i understand what you are saying completely!!! do you want my email?

i will not be back on the board till tues. take care and enjoy the weekend.

FL-yes I would like
to email you as we
are both FWW, I think
it would help.
I have heard from WK
& he wants to only
help me. YES- we do
talk about the sex
from our A. He gets
criticized every time
he shares details here
from BS-so that is what
we chat about. some of
that stuff needs released
to someone who has been
there-that's all. no
chance of anything else,
just venting.

What you and WhiteKnight are doing is WRONG!

Sharing with him how much you loved giving your OM Blow Jobs and him telling you how much he loved receiving them from his OW is NOT HEALING for either of you! Not in any possible way!

That is how 'Finally Learning' got in trouble; through on-line e-mailing.

Of course your husband feels sorrow over this.
Wouldn't you if he were sharing his "WONDERFUL" sexual experiences he had with HIS OW with another woman?

C'mon, Hon, can't you see this is wrong and will not be helpful. You will get deeper in the fog if this continues. So will WK.

At the least you should be talking these things over with a woman and certainly not a man.
Preferably your H.
Sincerely, Julie

P.S. At least when Sarie told us of her OM, she said they made a 'wonderful memory'. That could have been sexual or just a wonderful visit together and a walk by the river. (And by the way, I think she got way too many mean unhelpful flippant words.)

WhiteKnight's post is so sexually explicit, it should not even be here on MB. Too bad it can't be edited.

<small>[ May 29, 2004, 12:10 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

PAL - you're incorrect. The sexually explicit stuff does NOT NEED to be discussed in order to move forward. You're not helping him - and you're not helping yourself. This is the wrong path to take. I wish you would quit fighting just for the sake of being right and stop and really LOOK at what you're doing. This is more self-destructive behavior.

I, too, was a WW. So if you're only giving merit to a formerly waywards point of view - I hope you will atleast consider mine. Take care.

Hi PAL,

I hope you will stay with us and keep getting help here but I have to agree that discussing the sexual nature of your A's with WK is not appropriate anymore than it would be discussing any type of sexual fulfillment and desires with anyone of the opposite sex.It is risky behavior and by your past history,this should be a no brainer.

I posted once or twice to WK before and do not anymore.As much as I thought he was being truthful,he went way overboard with his discussion of sexual content and I felt he was disrespecting BS's.Yes he may have received some backlash from some BS's like me but that is because this is not the time or place to be that explicit with a WS's sexual drama.It is hurtful and at some point,the whole sexual fantasy part of the A is OVER and a BS/WS couple need to move BEYOND that or else you are just holding onto what was and the excitement of that time.Like a NC letter to the OP,a WS and a BS,for that matter,have to try to put those thoughts aside and move toward recovery.If you dwell on those sexual thoughts and feelings too much you are not able to get into recovery and you start to obsess about those thoughts IMO.

You either are going to respect your H and start to retrain your thoughts to be all about you and YOUR H/Recovery or you can forget about recovery and just keep sinking deeper and deeper into sexual obsession like WK

O

<small>[ May 29, 2004, 06:25 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

HI pal.

how are you doing, how was your weekend?

Hi FL-
good weekend-what about you?
H & I spent time together.
were able to do some talking.
we visited some friends we
have had for 20+ years. They
have seen changes in me,
& have watched H & I struggle,
but our friendship has changed.
They are uncomfortable now that
PA was revealed-even before, when
they knew of EA-they were awkward.
It is not the same, & I feel bad
because I changed it. I feel like
I am to blame- I know I am. I have
lost her as a friend & H has lost
him as friend.