I had already made elaborate plans for WS birthday coming up in June. Found out in late May that wife was considering divorce and thought she really wants it. Shortly after discovered OM and internet EA affair.

Anyway, should I go ahead with the birthday plans? I think she may think I have done it only because of the situation and not otherwise. Or should I tone the whole thing down? How do you handle WS birthday? She says she doesn't want me to touch her, or say I love her, or talk about the good times we shared.

Help.

Are you in Plan A? What is your situation?

I'm trying to Plan A, still waiting on the books to arrive so I know the whole plan. I posted under "feel like dying" on the Just found out board. Haven't got to counseling yet, she has agreed, but I think she is probably insincere.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've been plan A'ing as much as she would allow me. But one night about 2AM did some major LB's trying to have her realize the folly in her Internet EA. Was calm, but could see she didn't like at all what I was saying. It ended up with her asking whose going to move out. I told her wasn't leaving. She said she would, with or without the kids. Which really scared me because of the implications. I said I'd take a leave from work if I had to and be with the kids.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ok, I have read your story and the above is not a lovebuster at all. Just because she doesn't like it doesn't mean that you don't confront her with this stuff.

If she is still denying her affair, I would install spyware TODAY on her computer and confront her with her conversations. You can record her online conversations without her knowing it and print it out. She won't be able to deny it. You can get it at www.iopus.com. It is called Starr home version. Download it to your HARDDRIVE [versus install from website] and install it in INVISIBLE mode. Don't tell her you have it.

Secondly, I would expose this affair to her family and yours. Exposing it puts huge pressure on the affair because by exposing it to the light of day, much of the fantasy aspect is removed. I mean, how silly is it to lose your family over some anonymous stud on the internet? She will feel foolish.

I would low key her birthday. Give her a card and a nice gift cert to Penneys.

Melody, thanks for the reply. I may have been remiss in not adding somethings. I have not been an angel in our relationship. I have recently read a book that made me understand how many miscommunications we have had that went unresolved and left her with loads of resentment and feeling of "abuse" as she says. Her family would probably be receptive to the idea of her leaving me. They are all divorced and view marriage as a disposable institution. I am not close to them as they live up north. They have only heard the bad things about me and wouldn't trust me over her. She claims the Internet EA is not the reason she wants out.

I don't think I could do the spy thing. I know what she is doing, and she knows I know. I do check our own computer with the little knowledge I have, but even if I confronted her with the what she actually did with him, it would probably only make her angry. She has told me flat out that she likes it.

In addition, she is being treated for depression, and has just last month had her medication changed. She said that since her meds were changed she feels different about me, but it is not the meds fault, it is mine.

She is 37, possibly having a mid-life crisis too. she said she doesn't want to waste anymore time in her life. Sounds like she has a sense of urgency to do something or feel something.

In light of her mental condition, and her family relations, I don't know if exposing her would do any good. She wouldn't feel silly. She believes what this guy is saying, and doesn't realize his real intent. I have considered calling her Dr. but don't know if that is appropriate and whether the Dr. would even listen.

I have done things wrong, mostly communication miscues. And some bad behaivor in the patience department. I have learned alot and already started changing. But she says it is too late, I should have thuoght of it earlier.

This is like a game of pickup sticks. So many interconnected things. I feel overwhelmed.

So if it is too late to do anything at all, is she moving out?

Melody. No, but she has threatened it. We have two kids. She has even asked me if i want to leave, but I wont leave my home. Occassionally the past week she acted like she didn't really want to divorce or leave me, then hours later she would be cold and hard again. Up and Down. She gets very defensive if I bring up her Internet A. I worry for her, even as my heart is breaking - I'm worried about her screwing her life up, or being used by this preditor.

Are there any success stories on here? I need some.

Am sorry I don't have a success story (as of yet).
My WH's b'day was this past Thursday.

I wished him Happy B'day prior to his going to work on cell phone. (he stays with OW since A came to light) He seemed pleasantly suprised with the phone call.

In the afternoon we both were at his parents house and I gave him a CD of his favorite music. I gave him a cake of cheese (that he loves) in replacing a b'day cake . . .as he doesn't eat cake.
And a beautifully simple card that really fit the birthday and how I felt. Saying basically, my gift is love for as long as I love live.

You never explained elaborate and so I get the impression you should tone down. But I wouldn't hold back too much. You are in Plan A. You should be loving and considerate.

So, I shouldn't do anything like planned. Should we still have the dinner (at a less expensive place) or should we just keep it at home with me cooking? (not a very good one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

And what about gifts? something small and simple then? Or just a card?