I am so down today! Yesterday, I posted some very positive thoughts! I was being honest at the time, and although I was feeling somewhat depressed, I thought that focusing on the positive would be helpful. I feel like I am about to be sucked under again. I couldn't sleep last night, so I went to the "recovery" forum, thinking that I'd get some encouragement. WHOA WHOA WHOA!!!!

I read posts until about 4 a.m., and it scared me so. Some people there are 2 YEARS after Dday, and they sound just like me NOW. I had an anxiety attack last night, and when I talked to my husband (he's on the last week of his "sabbatical") it was all I could do not to cry and beg him to come home now.
I'm sure that this is a typical scenario - 4 and 1/2 months after Dday, things are really going much better, my husband could not be sweeter to me (I got to spend a week with him last week) and BOOM!!!! I'm back in obsessive thought patterns again. What gives? I went back on my med's after stopping them for two days earlier in the week. I realized and also was told here that I shouldn't stop them. I've only been taking them for less than a month.
I am so tired of feeling this way. I have this sick feeling that is with me most of the time. If I didn't know better, I'd think that there was a physical problem. It is akin to "heartburn"... how apt!
I think that after today, I am going to take a break from this site. I love you all, and know that it has helped me, but right now, I just feel like I want to run away!!!
Hubby will be back next week, but I have to get through tomorrow, and Sundays are torture for me. I will see OW twice, and while I did GREAT on last Wednesday (just thinking of that makes me smile), I'm not so confident about tomorrow. I will be alone, without any of my family there, and nothing to distract me. Good grief, I sound like such a baby!!!!! A big 53 year old baby!!!!

I think maybe it's time to apply one of those 2x4's I keep reading about around here. Go ahead if you think it will help me. I am in the throes of a major pity party here. I feel ashamed because I know that so many of you here are suffering so much more than I. Forgive me for dumping all of this junk on you.

I think I know the reason for this... Maybe it will help if I just write it out.
Last night, I accepted an invitation to a fellowship (party) with some of our church members. They live very close to the OW. As I drove back home, I held my cell phone in my hand because I was expecting a call from my husband at that time. Well, here I was driving what is her route to work, holding HER cell phone (remember, he gave this cell phone to her and gave it to me when he was discovered for the first time - actually I made him trade that one for another, but I still have "her" number) waiting for him to call. I felt an absolutely physical shock when I remembered that he called her every morning on her way in to work, or that she called him, and I realized that she probably had driven this route 214 times with this cell phone in her hand, waiting for his call. I know that this is sick, but that is the way my mind is working right now. That brought an avalanche down upon me. Mental pictures. Mental torture.

I feel like I cannot get away from this, no matter what I or my husband do. I am terrified that I will be stuck in this place! I was making great strides in my recovery. What gives????

ANY ADVICE WILL BE HUMBLY AND GRATEFULLY RECEIVED.

Marie

From what I've heard, recovery is two steps forward, on step back. It takes time, but sounds like you are doing fine. Although my WH is still with OW, I have recovered (after 10 months) and haardly think about him and OW at all anymore.

You will get to the point that it is all just a distant memory. Hang in there.

Dear Believer,
Thank you! I guess I know this, but it's like hearing my husband say "I love you". I need to hear it more than once for it to sink in now-a-days. Again, thanks for the reassurance. I know I'll make it through, but AAARRRGGGHHHH this is hard, and you should know! I'm so sorry that your husband is still with the OW. That really makes me sad, and ashamed because my husband wants nothing to do with the OW ever again. We are both praying that she will soon leave our church. I'll add you to my prayer list.
Hope today is a good one for you. Do you have children?

Marie,
We are 9 months after dday and it will get better for you. I remember the worst times in the early stages were when we were apart. My mind would wander and I would get angry and it was just so unstable. Just the other day I told my W that I was more at peace than she could imagine. I still have my moments, but I can handle yhem much better now. Your circumstance seems very difficult b/c you see OW.

I have read your other posts and you seemed so positive. When I had those weak moments I had some books and verses ready to go to and help me see things in a more positive light. I also journal and keep a log of all the positives, no negatives. You are going through a normal recovery. Yes there are those who are still struggling. Remember the AVERAGE recovery is 2 years! You are early in this process, so you will have major ups and downs.

Let your H know you are struggling and give him an opportunity to comfort you. Just try to do it in a way to not bring guilt. The first 6 months are very critical, like intensive care. The next 6 months will get better. I am concerned about the contact issue, so you may need to resolve that if you are going to the same church. I would hate to see you leave, but continued contact slows down recovery. Think and pray about it. God will help ypu resolve it.

I hope this helps and don't give up on this site, there are many here who can help you. It will get better!

Christ's Love,
Roman121

Dear Roman121,
Thank you so much for your response. I am hovering over my computer like a vulture over road-kill!

I feel a desperation in myself that I can't quite get a grip on today. I'm trying hard to intellectualize all of this, but the bottom line is, I'm hurting!

I read a post by RoughRoad that made a plea for folks to contact LostnHurt because she is having suicidal thoughts. That very quickly brought back a little reality to me. I posted a message to her, and felt frightened, because to be honest with you, those thoughts have flickered through my mind at times, and I'm in RECOVERY!!!!!
Satan is so evil.... Seeing all the suffering on this site is depressing in itself.

Something you said caught my eye, though, and I want to ask you about that. You said that I should let my husband know, but not to do it in a way that causes guilt. Can you give me some suggestions? That's something I struggle with. I want to let him know when I'm feeling like this, but he takes it so personally (like, how else would he take it ???) and he thinks I am making no progress when I step into a hole as I have done today. I keep telling him that I just took a step back, and as our counselor told us, it is to be expected. You see, I KNOW all of that, and yet I step right back into that same stupid hole time after time!!!
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Thank you.
Marie

We all have good days and bad days, you are just more sensitive to them right now. Try to concentrate on the positives. It also might help for you to write these feelings down, it's good to get them out of your system. And by all means talk to your husband. Be thankful that he is there for you. Some WH's don't want to make it work.

Marie,
I just read more about your situation on the recovery board and I have to say I'm very conflicted b/c your H is a pastor and the A was with someone who is in his flock. I respond to your question first. You approach will no doubt bring guilt to his mind if you seek his comfort. Try to soften it by saying how committed you are to him and try to explain your feelings. Tell him you just want to be honest and let him know your feelings. I'm sure when he is home, he will be watching you very closely. Once you let him know, just drop it and let him respond. If he does nothing or seems to recoil, DON'T withdraw, just continue to reach out to him. He needs to feel safe to open up to you. Any LB will send him into a shell.

The other issue I think will keep you from recovery. He must be very conflicted. This would cost him his job. If I were counseling him, I would ask what is more important, you or the flock? Maybe you have already addressed it and maybe he told you he would quit to save the M. There is also a risk of OW telling others what happened. I'm sure you have thought about this. Even if she does leave, he has betrayed the flock and needs to be forgiven by them. I just can't imagine the pressure he must be feeling right now.

I really think you must keep coming here for some guidence and at least comfort. I can say this, if you both want to recover the M, you will! It will happen. It takes time and patience and God's grace. He is already forgiven by God and it sound like you also have done the same. So keep pressing forward and pray when you have these moments. He has been my only counselor and the great people on this site. I have some books to suggest for you also. Remember that the pain in our lives is what God uses to draw us closer to Him. Stay in the Word and pray often. It is in the dark valleys that He reveals Himself to us. Psalm 23 helped me alot and will help you. You'll be in my prayers this week.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

Yep, receovery board is sometimes a tough place to be...you seem to go from the frying pan into the fire. I have been on the board for over a year and let me tell you what I've seen.

I have seen DOZENS upon DOZENS of folks that have been in very bad spots and have recovered and have moved on from needing the board any longer...sure, some stay on to help out others, but the majority of those that recover begin to outgrow the boards. I have read many a "Goodby, and thanks!" Posts. There are so many folks that have gone on to recover their marriage there is even a MB reunion board for those that just chat away not about M and the crisis, but about the weather, jokes, just generally camaraderie between like-minded m individuals.

Some folks on the recovery board, like myself, who are still on, are still having trouble with the plan's. I still have trouble with LB's and EN's. Lack of recovery is not due to a hopelessness, but a lack of skills. Not all though, but some. I have to be told something many times before it starts to sink in...

There are some pretty amazing stories Ihave read out there, where M have come from D or after and recovered amazingly.

There is hope, and no one's answers are going to work for you...that's why I like this forum, you hear so many opinions. But taken as a whole, there is GREAT advice on here. You can do it!!!

Dear Kloe,
Thank you for your sweet response. It is good to know that others have been where I now stand. Wait, that's not the right words -"good". It is COMFORTING to know...

Dear Roman,
Yes, we have really struggled with the issue of disclosure. There is more to our story of course, and husband has been in agony over what he allowed to happen. I will tell you this: he has gotten MUCH closer to the Lord since this thing happened. He was in a state of burnout and depression when this started, working way too hard and giving out without getting re-fueled. We learned the dangers of that condition the hard way. Since the affair did not culminate in intercourse, he "technically" did not commit fornication, but he knows that he let his flock down. He is determined to come back being all that God would have him to be as a husband, father and pastor. The fact that they were not discovered by anyone but our daughters is miraculous. I do believe that God protected our church from this hurt. My husband was a novice at deception (thank the Lord) and left clues all over the place, but I was not physically well, and think that explains somewhat why I didn't pick up on things the way our girls did. Will the other woman tell? We have wrangled with that idea, and it scares us to death, but my husband said that he cannot continue to live in fear. He said that if this is revealed, then it will have been God's will for it to be revealed. All that he can do is purpose in his heart to live righteously from now on an pray that God will be merciful. Seeing that this is not the OW's first affair, I think it unlikely that she would tell. This would bring great shame upon her family as well as ours, and knowing this girl as I THINK I do, I'm hoping that I'm right. That is probably also a factor in my problems in recovery. I feel that I have to continue to act as though everything is ok between us, speaking to her, going to social functions and interacting with her in front of others because I am afraid that if she knew my true thoughts (God forgive me!) she would break down then and there and spill her guts!

When I found out about this, my first thought was for my family, but on it's heels came the worry and concern for our church. I love these people, and it is not just the "loss of a job" for us; we have a committment here. My husband offered to resign and get a job selling cars or insurance or whatever if I didn't think that I could recover, and he has renewed that offer everytime I have a "bad" day (church day). I have been begging God to let me become indifferent to her. I do pity her, but every time I see her, what they did comes leaping before my eyes. Please do pray for me. I have discovered that it's easy to say "You should forgive" - I've given that counsel hundreds of times, but when it comes down to it, forgiveness is a costly business. That makes me even more amazed at God's perfect gift!

Thank you for your time and concern.

Hi ME.1! You know H and I were sightseeing a week ago and saw a boat named Marie Elana! Someone was working on this cool wooden boat, and well...we thought of you.

I can relate to this time in the very beginning of recovery. This feeling like you know enough about this thing and that you ought to be able to forgive the OW, your H, and get on with it! The reality is that your situation is not any less trivial than any of the other A's you read about. It is highly personal to go through this, but it is so similar in description, feelings of outrage/forgiveness/ rebounding feelings/ anger/ trigger experiences...the entire enchilada!

What you need is time. My H was able to reach me by working with me on this stuff. We worked together by going to weekly counselling. We read nightly together, took the questionnaires from MB together, talked about every little thing. He had to give up on his ego, and had to own the A for all of its worth. The NC letter came quite a long time after the discovery of his inappropriate relationship with another woman he worked closely with daily.

The point here I want to make to you is that your H has been on Sabbatical, and you are needing him to get home and work with you. You need to be able to get him to work on the NC you can afford in your situation. He needs to tell OW that there is no relationship from this day forward. I do not know how you will manage this with a church to run and her in it. Seems like there is far too much hiding still. To actually get a solid recovery, he has got to come home.

Anxiety attacks are what we get when we are in situations we feel unprepared to deal with. It is purely a symptom of where you are at now. You can tell him that you need him to come home and help you. You need to get MC together.

If you are the only one reading about 'how to make marriage better' for instance, and H does not ever get to read this same material, then where does that lead you in the marriage? The combination for your success is reliant upon you both sharing this burden of recovery!

Is your H willing to do what it takes to make you feel safe and give you all of the answers H/O, that you need? Will he come home and bear some of this burden that you need to be lifted from your back? I think that the answer will be yes, but you cant get relief til he comes back to you.

The OW situation is needing to be dealt with. I do believe that God works with us, but we have to be H/O about things we never were about before.

Have you got an MC yet? I know you have a counselor, independantly. But the MC should be solely for the purpose of building up your marriage.

I have to tell you this. While I was reading this today, I know that me and my H would not be able to discuss and trust and love each other in any kind of form, if we did not work at this together. It took everything we have to get this. It was up and down, triggers, and feelings re. OW. Forgiveness? It is not an important aspect of what you must get through yet. Understand that she is of poor decision making, and a bit low class is enough for now. (we also have to see this in our own WS/FWS as well) But the goal is to make this NC. It will become a thing of the past with work. Not right away.

Hope this helps in some ways.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

PS. My H says that NC actually needs to happen ASAP. As you have described how the OW has been in your face and that she is actually powerplaying you, ...Your H needs to tell her to get off of your back and do it now, or he will "blow this thing wide open!"

If OW is concerned about her and her family's honor and reputation, then his threat alone of full disclosure, should be more than enough to remove her threat to you Marie Elana.

ME!, well i can't tell you how much you have touched my heart by calling out to me and i will try to say a few words but still don't feel very equipped to give advice. i don't have computer access outside work but i had to come into work today to get a couple of things so i checked my email and the forums as well. so after this post i won't be able to post again until tuesday unless i break down and come in on monday. i'm going to be calling my husband tomorrow and i like to have my notes from my sessions w/SH when i talk to him and i have left them at work.

anyway, i did talk to lostnhurt on the phone last night and think she's doing better. i know how she feels, i took a bottle of pills myself soon after dday but after i went to the hospital i went to the best and only place i could go, to the LORD and have really earnestly tried to stay in his arms ever since. i still have my moments. like i lied to my husband about the letter he sent me, i said i didn't get it when i already had. long story but the bottom line was i didn't give it over to God, i took the situation into my hands and lied about reading the letter. i absolutely felt so horrible that i had lied to God about relying on him and then there i go and do the opposite. well i asked for forgiveness but a post-it on my computer that says "DO WHAT'S RIGHT!!!! WWJD?" and i also talked to SH and i'm back on track now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

back to your situation...you absolutely cannot help the feelings/thoughts you have. again, that's when we have to remember that satan is just a lion on this earth waiting to devour us at any minute. no he can't take our salvation away but he can sure ruin our fellowship w/God and our walk as Christians. this is when you just have to constantly be in an attitude of prayer and ask God to take those thoughts, feeling, triggers away from you. God has already provided w/you the armor and has given you some strength but you still need to pray w/confidence and dedication that God give you the strength, patience, words and actions, to get through this so that his will may be done.

i hear and understand what you say about the recovery issue. it is daunting to think about that but i know it will be worth it and God is doing what he can to prepare me for if and when that happens. i basically just stick to the general question forums. the just found out forum is too painful and i'm not in recovery and you don't get the same amount of replies on the other forums as you do the GQII forums, JMO. i've also struggled w/coming to the MB forums too much. in my case it's more related to the fact that i'm using my computer at work, and time at work to post versus actually doing my work which is not what i was hired to do. so i really try to limit myself (some days are easier than others) and i also take stuff home from work to do to make up what i don't get done at work. again, you just have to pray about it and ask God to reveal things to you and to make it plain and obvious to you what he wants for you.

i'm going to harp again about the radio stations and websites i suggested. they can be such a tremendous help. i can't even begin to put into the words how much it has made a difference in my life since i began listening to it a few months ago. i've been able to get lostnhurt turned onto it and she said just in the short time she has started listening to the bott radio network it has helped her and she feels like she can get addicted like me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> there's definitely worst addictions to have. also, you can never pray too much ME!, there is nothing in the bible that says you can only pray for this and can only pray this many times. remember what they tried to do to daniel in the old testament. they tried to limit how often he prayed and the manner in which he prayed and even though he went through trials because of it, God blessed him and God will continue to bless you. because the truth is, we are blessed each and every moment of our lives by just being able to breathe, to open our lives, to be able to worship God, to read his word, and have a means to get from one place to another, to have food to eat and clothes to wear. God also blesses us by NOT giving us things.

i think you need to be more diligent in avoiding any possible triggers as much as you can. get rid of cell phones if you have to, use beepers if needed. if you are invited to go over to someone's house which you know will bring you down that street or near the OW"s house then i think you just need to avoid that and pray to God to put the words in your mouth to be able to turn down the inviation in a way that would be pleasing to God. i think what you said about what your H said about if the A is exposed then that is God's will. i do believe that to a certain extent and i think this is one way to look at it. yes, it would probably be nice to stay in the church in which you have committed to but as you well know things change.

we don't know what the future holds, we don't know if this OW is going to stop coming to church or change her behavior. but we do know that it's God's will for her to go to Church and that maybe the only way for her to change her behavior. but i think the big thing in this is if your H is the pastor and this OW is under his teaching I see this as a SERIOUS problem. i'm not saying that God can't do anything but how can this girl be convicted and change while she is under the preaching of someone she did these things with? that's why i'm more apt to think that your family needs to change churches. it would not be the first time a pastor has changed churches, not due to A's but just for some various reasons.

we have all learned some serious lessons in all this and most of us have developed a closer R w/God and that is a beautiful thing and that can't be wrong. but we are still continuing to learn lessons and as my mom described it to me that sometimes when a sheep keeps going away from the flock and the sheppard, the master will break the sheep's legs to keep him from wandering off or putting themself in danger and then that is when the master carries that sheep until their legs are healed and then realeses them back into the flock and that sheep will never stray again. even though we are the BS, we strayed and the master broke our legs in order to bring us back to him. like the footprints poems says, that it is diuring our times of trial and suffering that we only see one set of footprints because that is when Jesus is carrying us in his arms.

I pray daily for those on the MB forums that they would seek God's guidance (because not everyone who is here does that mind you) and that God will give them the strength and the tools to get through what we are going through so that God's will will be done. there is a message on insight for living by Chuck swindoll that talks about Job from the old testament and how he was a man of heroic endurance. i think that message would really helpl you right now. you can listen to it on the internet or buy the tapes/CD's. just think of how much better off we are because we are God's children then those who are going through this and are not his. i can't even fathom the idea. if nothing else, you know that there are many people out there who are worse off then we are.

in a way God has enabled me to not think about my H and this OW too much. maybe that's a gift to me. maybe it's a gift that i'm not living in the same state as my H and this OW so i don't have to go through all the things that other people do. but at the same time i'm saddened because my H has no idea how things have changed inside me because he's not around. so i just have to pray that one day i will be given the opportunity to show him those changes inside and out (lost 38lbs, yeah!!!). i know it's of little consolation ME! but at least your H is home and working on the M. maybe not the way you would like or in the time you would like but he is there none the less. what i would give for that opportunity.

we are in a battle and a race. we are in a battle for God in our M and our lives but he gave us the armor and the tools to conquer it, it just takes time. the race we are in has to do more w/our M and the recovery (in your case), it is a marathon, not a sprint. knowing that it takes an average of 2 years once recovery has started then you have go to get into that mindset. share that w/your counselor, share that w/God, share that w/others you are able to talk to, and keep taking those meds. as SH says, there isn't an athlete or runner out there that starts a race with the idea that they won't finish, that at some point they will want to quit and so they will. no, they enter the race to win but at least finish. with that comes learning of how to conserve our energy by stepping back and keep our eye on the goal, which is to finish the race. share w/your h the struggles you are having and pray that he will be receptive in talking about that w/you and that you will do it in a manner which will allow that to happen. have you read SAA by dr. harley? it doesn't matter it it was only an EA or not. what does the bible say? that if a man lusts in his heart then he has committed adultery. ask your H to read it if he hasn't already, you can read it together or you can just say that it would mean a lot to you for him to read it and maybe your H needs to be in counseling himself in order to learn what he needs to do to help you and protect your M and gain your trust.

i've gotta go. i hope i have made some sense and have been a support for you. i'm sure others will continue to post to you, just hang in there. prayers to you, God bless, RR

How "strange" it is that I have grown to feel so close to all of you by reading your kind posts...
Thank you for your responses. You all made valid points, and I am taking them to heart.

Roman, Still Making It, My dear Cardinal and Roughroad, You will never know what it meant to hear from you all this afternoon, along with the other sweet ones who posted.

My husband will be home next week. He calls several times a day, and I know that he needed this time, but you are right: I need him HERE.
I spent last week with him, and we had a ROCKY first evening and night, but we lived through it, and had something akin to a second honeymoon for the rest of the week. I rode on the crest of that wave into Wednesday, but I've got that creepy old feeling back. Just reading thoughts from someone who truly understands helps immensely. I guess the old adage, "Misery loves company" is not without merit.

As I said, this is really my only outlet. Today, my girls are happily busy, and yet they are so observant. They have both called me throughout the day to check on me... and I didn't say one word or let on that I wasn't feeling like my perky old self today. I don't want to burden them; that just isn't fair, no matter how many times they tell me that they want me to come to them if I ever need to talk. They are trying to rebuild a relationship with their dad, and they and he deserve to be able to do that without my hinderences.

Again, thank you my unseen friends, and God bless you all.