I don't know if I ever said that my S is actually my nephew. He is my exH's sister's son, whom we took in 10 years ago when he was 4, and whom I (and only I) have legal guardianship of. My exH and I never had kids of our own. (Thank goodness) Anyway, my S's mom is a drug addict, and his father is in prison for murder. However, now that my S is older, he wanted to see his dad. Well, the prison he is in is about 4 hours from where we live. But yesterday, we had to drive down to that area for my ex's neice's graduation from high school. (I am still close with my exH's family, and he didn't go, so I went) On the way home today, we stopped at the prison. We knew we were going to be there months ago, so we had already did all the paper work needed to be granted visitation.

I never told my ex. Didn't want him to know, because he is a very prejudiced person, and I knew he'd react badly to my S wanting to see his dad. But, he found out. Needless to say, he called my cell while we were driving there, and called me every name in the book, and called my S's dad a piece of sh*t, and why didn't I consult him before I made this decision? I told him I didn't tell him because of just the reaction I was getting from him, and because the last time I checked, the state had given ME guardianship of our S, and most importantly, S is 14 next month and old enough to know if he wants to see his dad or not. I also told him that it didn't matter if S's dad was a Harvard professor, or the murderer that he is...S wanted to see him and I believed he needed to.

My S was 4 years old the last time he saw his father. So all he has are memories from a 4 year old point of view. That, and all the crap he's heard about him that revolved around his crime. I am in no way, shape, or form sticking up for the dad, but the fact remains that he IS his father. Personally, I could have done without ever stepping foot into a prison, or ever having laid eyes on that monster. But I felt my S needed to see what his dad is, who he has become, and let the reality of where he is and why take front and center over his childish memories of a man who doesn't exist anymore.

It was a very profound experience for both of us. The prison itself looked like it came straight out of a prison movie...chain linked fences with barbed wire, guards everywhere, no 2 doors open at the same time, and the doors and gates are electronically controlled. It took us longer for us to be patted down and have our shoes x-rayed than the visit itself took. I almost felt like the criminal myself. The only thing I was allowed to carry in was my driver's license and the key to the locker they gave me to put my belongings in.

The visit itself was a little weird. They didn't know what to say to each other. As excited as my S was approaching the visit, he was just as quiet once we were actually in there.

I tried to explain all of this to my exH. He wouldn't listen. He was mad I didn't tell him and why would I want to take him there anyway. Just yelling and screaming. He even had the nerve to say that I wanted to go for myself to flaunt myself in front of the inmates. How disgusting is that????? So, I got ugly back, and told him I already spent 15 years with a man with no job, and felt like a prisoner myself...what on God's green earth would I want with a convict???????

Any way. Just as always, I've let him get to me. This is bothering me to the point I needed to come here. I stand behind my decision to let my S see his dad. But I am wavering on whether or not I should have told my exH about it. It's just that I know him so well, I KNEW he would react like this, and if he'd have known before, he would have somehow put a stop to it. And, really, if I want to be mean, legally, I don't have to tell him jack....I AM the guardian, not him, and sometimes blood doesn't always mean it's best. Which by the way, he tried to use, but it backfired on him. When he said that he was my S's blood, since S is exH's sister's son, I said well, I think the blood between a father and son is a little closer than blood between an uncle and a nephew. I just couldn't resist.

Any input on whether I did the right thing or not?

I don't know your story but I'm assuming that your xh left you for ow. So what if he doesn't like that your son saw his father. He left and now still wants to control even though he has no right. You did the right thing!

A friend of mine's husband left her 3 years ago for a breast implanted yoga instructor. Recently my friend decided that she had waited long enough and began dating. (she's a beautiful woman and I don't know why she hasn't before now) He pitched a fit! I loved that he was miserable. He deserved to be after all he has done to his family. He realized he has no right to dictate what goes on in "his home" as it's not "his home" any more. This new man in her life now has a part in his daughter's lives. He calls constantly and the daughters will put their phone on silence.

My point being why let his opinion get to you. If you didn't allow this child to see his father, you would have been on the receiving end of his wrath one day. No matter what, a father is a father. Maybe this child was building him up in his mind and needed to see reality. Maybe the one visit was enough. Maybe a relationship will develop. One thing for sure is you can't deny this boy to know his father.

It's taken me along time to learn to not let my stbxh control me. I now am in control after many many years of letting him jerk me around. It's pure freedom.

Let it go. You did the only and right thing.

JPH~

Thanks! I needed the reassurance. It infuriates me that I still let him get to me. He is so caught up in what he thinks to be his own intelligence that he can't even see how truly ignorant he really is.

Just for the record, I left him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> At the time not wanting a D, but maybe shake him up a bit to see we were in trouble, since he couldn't see our M falling apart under his own nose, and refusing to discuss any reasonable efforts to fix it. It was 3 days later that I learned about OW.

I can't wait to finally be able to say he doesn't control me anymore. I may not let him know he gets to me, but he does. And it justs burns my butt that he still has that power over me! But, I definately think I am on the road to recovery. For one thing, something like this would have resulted in me crying and saying I'm sorry, and I won't ever do it again. Wah, wah, wah...boo hoo hoo. Now, I told him what he could do with his opinion and let him know in no uncertain terms that my decision was made and he couldn't change it.

Thanks for the reinforcement!

TB,

Mad or insane, it is a sad state of mind to be in but many a WS take themselves there.

Your son and his needs s/b more important than a WS' needs. Now if your Ws stops acting like a WS and more like an H and dad, then meeting those needs w/b beneficial for all.

It is a hard choice for a BS to make but it does get easier. I applaud you step to help your son meet with his real dad. Must be hard for the little guy. But it could help him grow as a person.

Life is sooo hard on our children. Your child is fortunate to have someone such as yourself to give the care, love and guidance he needs.

You are doing good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

Thank you Orchid.

The needs of my S are more important that WS's needs. And that is why I took him to see his dad and didn't tell WS. It is also another reason why I never kept him from seeing his mom. No matter what kind of people they are, the bottom line is they are his parents and he spent the first 4 years of his life with them, and he remember them.

Also, I think for those kids who have been adopted, or live in orphanages, or for whatever reason aren't with their biological parents, there is a instinctive curiosity to know their parents, or at least see who they are.

Maybe in his own dillusional mind, my WS was trying to protect my S. He knew his dad very well before he went to prison. He knew what kind of person he was. However, there are some things that we can't cover up and hide from our children, and sometimes we have to let the reality of a situation teach the child. As much as we would like to cover up all the bad things in life to protect our kids, sometimes that is not the best for the child. And in this case, I do feel I did what was best for him by taking him to see his dad.

First of all, I didn't want him to resent me later on down the road by saying, "you never let me see him." And second, by doing it now, at least I was with him to offer support and help to break the ice a bit. I think I did more talking than my S did. Third, eventually my S will be able to drive himself there. At least now he isn't disillusioned about who and what his dad is.

Thanks again for your support. It is so greatly appreciated!