Not sure what to think of it. I had stepped outside to turn off the sprinklers on the lawn, and he was walking up the walk with a large box. In it was a mp3 player we had corresponded about (via our intermediary) and some groceries.

I thanked him for the items, and SHOULD have just walked back inside at that point.

Instead, we did talk for a few minutes. I asked him if he missed me at all. He said, I did not want to know the answer to that. I answered "After spending every day and night together for the last 10 years, you don't miss me?" He just shook his head no.

He asked me the reason for no communication and talking only through intermediary. I told him the last few conversations were so hurtful, they bordered on being emotionally abusive, and it was not helping the case for our marriage. He said "Well, if you cannot handle the truth, then what is the reward in being honest about my feelings, what is going on, etc." I told him there is a difference in being honest, and pulling out pictures to show me how unhappy your eyes looked in all the pictures that were taken early in our relationship, when we were supposedly falling in love. I told him, if that was true, why didn't he hit the road then?? I also reminded him of that little fact that we are not communicatining because, hmmm... Oh yeah, BECAUSE YOU ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR (I did not shout it, but man, I was kinda baffled by his question).

Then he said, "It is almost like you think I am a bad person, this jerk who is a bad person." I told him that I did not think he was a bad person, but, that I was going to have trouble thinking that his latest choices were really helping to support his "I am a good guy with integrity image." I told him "Aren't we are pretty much defined by the choices we make? We can all talk the talk, but the proof is when you walk the walk. How you conduct yourself, make choices, that supports or refutes your "published" value system."

I then told him sometimes I think he just up and totally quit on his marriage. He, of course, shared a lot of fog talk about how unhappy he has been for years, and that he feels he did try to fight for the marriage. I told him I have to disagree, because he had never before articulated any needs that he had, and that we could not claim to have worked on anything until we BOTH knew there was a problem. He just came home from India, said, I do not love you, moved out, and now said he wants a divorce.

He said he knew he could never be happy here. Again. "It is just done for me. Forever. It is just done." I told him I agreed, that the marriage we had before is done. It is dead and buried, but I mentioned we could have a new one, that would be fulfilling and meet both our needs. He said he did not ever see that happening. I told him, "If I love you, wouldn't I want to identify and meet your needs. And if your needs are being met, aren't you likely to be happy. It really is that simple...we just need to get better and meeting each others needs." He just kept sitting there, smugly shaking his head.

I then asked him what his plans are. Is he trying to bring the homewrecker to the states, etc. He claims no...but who knows. At the end, I asked him what he wants. He said he wants to be happy and move on. I told him I want the same thing, and we could have it together. He said, "But we don't want the same thing."

I then told him that I wished he would come home and just try, for just another month. Didn;t we owe it to each other, to our kids, to the integrity of who we want to be as people, to try and fight for this marriage? He said he was sorry that the kids and I have been hurt, but that the marriage is over, and he is done, and does not ever want to be back, and knows he will never be happy here with me.

I was not emotionally wraught like I usually am. I was not destroyed, or torn apart, or devastated by all the things he said when I spoke with him. Really, I just kinda was numb. Very calm. Very pragmatic. It is almost like my "feeler" has been turned off and I can intellectualize all of this, but really have no emotional response.

If there was an emotional response, it is that sometimes I kinda hope he does file for D, so I can move on.

Not sure what to make of all of this... If I could walk away at all from any of this with a definitive opinion or thought, it would be that our M is definitely over, and that he is NOT coming back. And I know there have been a multitude of examples of people who SWORE their WS's were NEVER going to come home, and they were proven wrong, but I think he is in the small percentage that really will walk away from everything we have built over the years.

Just a reminder to post readers... I recently changed my screen name. I hope you all still can figure out who I am...kooky chic down south, fighting for her [censored] WH, in "competition" with the OW who is a world away.

Thoughts on all of this????

Hi Serene,

Your story sounds familar but this 'ol gal needs a bit more hints. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Seems like your H feels his A is a good thing and well you can't reason with him in that state. Your approach though sounds seasoned. You are able to reduce the pain the A inflicts w/fogtalk. Good job.

I'd say at this point, your lessons are falling on deaf ears. He isn't sorry enough. Plan B has a better effect when he comes to the same conclusions you just outlined, on his own.

Ques: Is your favorite coffee available in my area? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JMHO,
L.

This is why you are supposed to be in Plan B. So you don't hear this stuff.

Do you have a V in your name?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
HINY

Serend,

I know you are strong. Let's stand together to fight for our M. Love and hugs.

Hi Chri...ummm I mean SerendipiT. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I knew from the moment I read that you didn't walk back inside the house that we were headed for trouble.More of the same right? He is gonzo so there's no point of trying to persuade him.He's on the dark side right now.Leave him be and get back to your Plan B/ME and taking care of yourself.It's not over till it's over.

I have to find a way to be gone with my girls when my dear WH comes by the home tomorrow.On his way back from living in SIN with the homewrecker this weekend when he should have been with his children! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I'm sure he was also surrounded by all his cronies,laughing it up and supporting WH even being THERE.

O

Octobergirl: You are right. I can't get anything past you! And yes...HINY, you are right too. And yes AMM, you are right too...damnit. I should call you my Plan B policewoman...ready and willing to smack me upside the head when it is needed.

Well, the hurt came today. I was really kinda shocked that I had no hurt last night, but, it came this morning. As I was walking into church, I could feel that knot in my throat, and instantly felt the tears spilling out of my eyes.

And whether it is here, or at church, or in counseling, I keep hearing the same lesson. For some reason, I am too stubborn to get it, or get it long enough for it to actually matter.

The lesson?

RIGHT NOW I CAN DO NOTHING ELSE BUT JUST WORK ON ME!!!

At church today, I was asking aloud in my Sunday School class, how does one have faith in reconciliation, when their spouse is so convinced, and seemingly at peace with their decision. I mean, God could want my marriage to reconcile as much as I do, but the thing is, WH has free will...so....then what?????

And what they told me, rather harshly, actually, which was the way I needed to hear it, especially since everyone has been trying to tell me nicely, is that, all I can do, all I can control, all I can impact, is me and my walk. Stop worrying about the world (and my WH is most definitely in the world now, NOT our marriage) and take off my radar screen all that baloney in our circumstances right now, and just focus on God. Ask Him, what can I do for YOU now, God. Because, in all honesty, I have been fervently praying about what He could do for me. And hasn't He done enough for me already. If you have seen the passion of the Christ, you know that is true. Just focus on loving God, serving mankind, and figuring out what needs to happen to make me a better person. Not what needs to happen to make my WH a better person. Not what I want in my marriage, but what God wants...because chances are His plan is more complicated, more glorious, and more SLOW moving to develop, than mine. And maybe that needs to be ok with me...because if it happens His way, it is likely to be the BEST WAY. My way is a FAR second.

I have no witty comments, or scathing remarks, or angry thoughts or anything. I am just spent, and in all actuality, going to try and focus, once and for all, on God, and the changes I need to make for Him, so He can use me the way He wants to use me...

Thank you for your continued words of wisdom and support.

AMEN SerendipiT(you know I like the other name better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Do you SEE how far you have come in all this? This is where I am floating around too,trying it on for size.

PRAY FOR THE *BEST OUTCOME NOT WHAT YOU MAY WANT IT TO BE BUT WHAT IS GOD'S WILL.DIVINE ORDER.

You are there and do you know how much growth that is? Do you know how much closer to God that is? It takes a tremendous amount of faith to be able to learn and understand this very concept.Many people never even get this far.I am SO PROUD of you!

Oh,and by the way,will you please call headquarter's for BACKUP the next time you think about talking to your WH?! LOL

O

Great post, SerendipiT. My H is arrogant, smug "I don't feel I've made any mistakes," etc. All I have to do is picture his self-satisfied, foggy face saying stuff like this -- and I stay in Plan B.

The visit last night will have been useful if you FIX it in your mind, remember his expression, what he said, etc. And remember: THAT IS WHERE HE LIVES NOW. If it changes, he will probably let you know. In fact, your PBL asked him to do precisely that. Meanwhile, you'll only get hurt if you re-expose yourself to this crap and think it is "real."

Hang tight....sounds like you are getting to a good place for YOU.

Took me awhile to figure out who you really are. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Dont break plan B again. Keep dark during divorce and even after divorce. Dont allow WH to control your emotions.

My battle cry as of yesterday is...dont think...dont think

Have a battle cry...it will help you.

At least your WH has the decency to decide one way or the other and not like mine!!! WH is still wallowing in la la land. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Zizzy,

Like everything else with WH, he is all talk and not much walk. He talks about how he wants D...but... I have not gotten any papers...so, I just sit and wait and enjoy life in B!

I went to a friends house tonight, and she had a fun fun fun pool party. We drank pina coladas, threw each other in the pool, watched our kids play, watched the adults play, and had a great time. I was a little sad not to have a mate (nor necessarily missing MY mate, aka WH, but felt a little displaced since everyone else there had a boyfriend/husband, etc.). But other than that, it was fun, and it just cemeted for me how I can be ok alone, for as long as God needs me to be, and I will be ok.

I wish I could somehow have a huge pool party for all my MB friends, and like Star Trek, beam you all over to sunny Florida (I wouldn't zap you to my party till about 3 or 4 pm, so you would not be so DAMN HOT). And we could grill hot dogs, hamburgers, salmon, shrimp kabobs, and some veggie kabobs for my vegetarian friends, and we could all forget our messed up marriages, and splash and play like kids again for an afternoon!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />