My H is still so angry with OM, but not angry with me at all. In fact he very quickly got over the anger at me, it lasted maybe 1 hour.

Three months later he is still afraid to see OM, because of how he might react physically.

Is he not holding me responsiblie? Or is this mans way, protect what is his, protect the little lady??

Or is this just my H, not holding me accountable for my actions? This is what I'm thinking, he thinks I can't even screw up on my own. He has always held a very superior attitude over me, is this one of those times.

Or is it a man thing???? Come on you testerone filled beast, clue me in!!!!!

KY

It sounds as if you are angry because he has gotten over being angry at you. do you want him to be angry at you? I know i am still pissed at both of them. I am trying to work things out with my wife but i have nothing to work out with other man. what if the shoe was on the other foot would you ask if it was a woman thing?

Rick
I'm not angry, just don't have enough time to post a bunch. I'm confused, that is what I am.

I guess I feel if he did show me some anger, that would prove he holds me accountable. I don't understand how he can still be so mad at OM, but not me.

He finds me to be the victim. Is that normal. I don't feel the victim at all. I take full responsibility for my very bad choices.

I guess because he sees my remorse it is easier to get over the anger, that is a question.

BTW, I'm the furthest thing from a feminist. In case you thought otherwise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Maybe I can help.

It's all about him protecting his love for you. Of course he's angry with you. In reality, deep down, he's probably more upset and hurt by you than OM. But if he transfers all those feelings over to OM, he doesn't have to point them at you.
(I don't think it's just a man thing)

Make sense?

dewt

dewt,
thank you for your post.

I just spoke with my H. He says his disappointment in me takes away from any anger he may feel.

He held me close to his heart, not the OM, so therefore he just feels anger towards him.

He also said, he feels he can bare the weight of this mess, better than I can, so he takes more responsibility for it, due to the condition of our M.

He is over it, he wants it to be done, and us move on. He hates that it happened, but L's me enough to get past it.

I have a great man. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As a BW I know I am furious at the OW. I would love to see her, scream at her in front of a large group of people and tell them what a adulterous, imoral, home wrecking, whore she is. But I couldn't do that to my WH. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I am so hurt by what he did. There are no feelings of love for the OW so I really don't care if what I say or do hurts her. But I still love my WH so much that I don't want to hurt him.

Kyellow,
According to several books I've read that is typical behavior. The BS is angry at the FWS however it's "safer" to be put all or most of the angry on the OP. Safer because the BS has nothing invested with the OP. Don't have to have a life with the OP. The BS wants to or must make peace with the FWS in order to have some semblence of peace. Soooo all of the anger gets displaced to the OP.

Make any sense?

cwmac

Kyellow,

Sorry, I missed this one from last post..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He also said, he feels he can bare the weight of this mess, better than I can, so he takes more responsibility for it, due to the condition of our M.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is very noble of your H but he is not responsible for the affair and you need to tell him taht. Both of you were involved in the same marraige but only you made the choice to have the affair.

According to the experts, a healthier way to look at it is for both of you to take responsibility for the pre-A condition of the marriage. From their the choice was yours. He has enough feelings of self doubt that he shouldn't be taking on the guilt of the affair.

cwmac

Yes, that does make sense. We have such a history of his lack of respect and admiration of me, that I wasn't sure if this was just another one of those moments, or if this was typcical.

I was feeling like he was thinking I wasn't even capable to choose to have this A. I wasn't capable to make a mistake like this because I'm so weak minded. It couldn't have been my W, she isn't capable of such decision making, good or bad.

See what I'm saying. But from the responses I'm getting it seems quite normal, and after the talk I had with him I feel better.

Thank you cwmac, I have followed some of your post, you seem full of wisdom. I L how you have questioned the minds of the WW, to figure out your w better.

That has to help you in your recovery.
God Bless YOU!!!!!

Another reason he would be more angry at the OM is because the OM has not asked his forgiveness and apologized like you have. On the other hand, you have done all of things so he is trying his best to forgive you.

I hope you aren't berating him for being forgiving to you and not so to the other man. Your H needs enormous support in repairing the damage you have caused in your marriage. The last thing he needs is foolish recriminations on top everything else. That would be adding insult to injury. Accusations of "sexism" are a tad bit out of place at this juncture!

I would also add that your H is in NO WAY responsible for your affair in any way, shape or form. He may be partially responsible for the state of the marriage, but you get 100% of the blame for the affair.

This won't blow over quick, it will take him at LEAST a year to recover from your affair. It is the greatest betrayal a spouse can commit and it will take alot of work on your part to reprove yourself as a trustworthy partner.

Hopefully you took the first steps in repairing the damage by telling him everything he wants to know about the affair and opening up your life to him.

<small>[ May 30, 2004, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

KY4 -

I am the BS in a situation very similiar to your A. My Wh had an A w/ my closest friend. I had more anger in the beginning towards her because she claimed to "love" me. I believed even if my Wh was attracted to her - Why did she spread her legs for him? Why didn't she tell him to go home to his wife & tell his wife what he was up to?.

Also, Melody Lane is right. If your OM did not apologize or ask for forgiveness that could be a a sorce of the anger. My OW actually blamed me for her sleeping w/ my WH & she claims WH took advantage of her (She only stopped calling him on 4/29 - 15 months of taking advantage of her - Hmmm). Never once did she own up to her betrayal or the hurt she caused. I have since moved on with that "anger". I can not control other people's actions or comments. I did not make vows w/ her, hence move on and concentrate recovering my M.

My prayers are with you.
BB2

I know I have blamed others for issues I have had with my W over the years when the problem was more with my W. When she moved out this time I put a lot of the blame on a friend of hers that was newly divorced and seemed to be her role model. I have since found out I was very wrong, that she actually discouraged what my W was doing. Since the D-Days I have wondered if I can ever forgive my WW for her As, have no interest in forgiving the 2 OM that I know of. In my fantasies of "restitution" it is the OM that pay more often than WW.

<small>[ May 30, 2004, 12:14 PM: Message edited by: deafjeff ]</small>

I undersand how your H feels. I also am a whole lot angrier at the OW. It is much easier to shift the blame on the person you don't have to face on a daily basis. It is easier to feel hatred almost to the OP because how can you love someone and feel so much anger at them. It would be to difficult to do. The anger will subside eventually. It just takes time.

Kyellow,
Something you said made me think of something from the book, "Tempted Women."

You said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was feeling like he was thinking I wasn't even capable to choose to have this A. I wasn't capable to make a mistake like this because I'm so weak minded. It couldn't have been my W, she isn't capable of such decision making, good or bad </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you feel this way before the A as well? According to the book referenced,there are numerous reasons that married women have affairs.

I feel attractive again
He sees me the way I want to be seen
Declaration of Independence
Search for Fullfillment
Mid Life Crises
Nest is Empty
Outrunning the Blues
Disappointment
Different Sexual Needs
Revenge
Power Affair
Proximity
It's boring
Bridge out of the Marriage


You also said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He finds me to be the victim. Is that normal. I don't feel the victim at all. I take full responsibility for my very bad choices. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's probably easier for him to understand/rationalize if he believes that you were the victim. Especially since some men/society believe that women are the "gatekeepers" to sex.

Just a few random thoughts.

cwmac

Men are socialized to be protective of women in their lives. Boys are taught to never hit a girl...not the other way around. Mother's day far exceeds cards and gifts purchases over Father's day.

Men are also socialized to be competitive and territorial. Particularly when it comes to competing against other males.

So it is quite logical based on how boys are raised into men that men as a whole react more angrily at the OM than the women react towards the OW.

Plus the social norms is for men to be the pursuer in relationships. So rightly or wrongly men assume the OM made the first move and their WW either put up no resistance or weak resistance.

So there is a sense their wives were pressured, manipulated or seduced into an affair.

Yeah I know not the modern reality in many cases but that is really irrelevant...its not how women actually are that matters here its the gender role men believe they as men must act like.

Hi KYellow (I keep wanting to call you KY too LOL).

This is a very interesting thread because this topic comes up at home a great deal. In fact, I had to reassure my H that you weren't me posting under another name. That is how similar our situations are.

I have nothing to add really. Just that H feels it goes against everything men have between each other - "the man code". You just DON'T touch another man's wife. H feels so strongly about this.

Another thing that is interesting is the assumption you feel your H has that you weren't even capable of making a wrong decision for yourself. I feel the same as you on this. But, that has been covered very well by the men on this post and I do agree with them - it's easier to blame the person you don't have to live with.

It also seems to me that the women are much angrier with their H's than the men are with their wives. I think it's probably the gender thing in reverse. Perhaps they think that because they are men they DID make the first move.

It's so easy to make gender calls - I'm sure I'll be told that it is exactly the opposite for half the women here.

Anyway, KYellow, pleased to meet you.

Jenny

<small>[ May 31, 2004, 01:54 AM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

ML - Your right OM has not apologized, I'm not berating him at all. I guess it would just be easier for my guilty conscience for him to be angry with me.

I try telling him he is not responsible for the A, I think we are saying the same thing, just in different words. He claims that if he had been a better H it wouldn't have happened. He knows I chose the A, but still takes resposibility for it.

He also claims he is over it. It has only been 3 months since dday. He just wants to move on. He wants to improve on us, and never look back.

I have told him everything he has asked, but he has asked very little, he wants NO details, and seriously has only asked maybe 5 Q.

KY-4

cwmac, are you a Librarian? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Hats off to you and your approach to educate yourself. I would L for my H to try and understand the other side.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> was feeling like he was thinking I wasn't even capable to choose to have this A. I wasn't capable to make a mistake like this because I'm so weak minded. It couldn't have been my W, she isn't capable of such decision making, good or bad </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I absolutely felt this before A, I do think it was a stubborn attempt to independence, why didn't I just burn my bra?????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

bb2 , my H has said exactly that, why didn't he come to me and say, I have feelings for your W, I need to step back from your family. He says any knoble man would have.

STunned Dad, thank you, this is what I was asking, I wasn't trying to be sexist, I just wondered, if it was a territorial thing, I just wanted to understand it.

Kiwi/Jenny, I have read many of your post, I feel very much the same as you in all of them. I also read your H, that is where my thread came from.

He had said he was afraid to see OM, that is excalty what my H states. I feel bad for him for feeling this way, I don't want him to carry around this hatred. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Kyellow,

You said...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> cwmac, are you a Librarian? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes and you have a book that's overdue! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

and...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> why didn't he come to me and say, I have feelings for your W, I need to step back from your family.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did OM know your H? If so how well? That can add immeasurably to the anger for a BS (IMHO especially male ones)

Despite the day and age we are in, society still treats infidelity with a sex bias. Men are almost expected to while women are not.

"Tempted Women" has another section on why betrayed males react with so much rage:

-A husband feels dishonored

-Humiliated in the eyes of the world; even a special word for a husband whose wife has cheated, cuckold.

-Husbands are less likely to be suspicious so comes as bigger shock

-They are frightened and don't know how to deal with the emotions

-Men's competitiveness is huge, especially in sex

-Emasculated that OM may be better in bed and/or have a superior sex organ

Those are direct quotes

Combine that with the fact that we as men know what OM was after because we can put ouselves in their thinking.

What OM are after in an affair (per Tempted Women:

partial list that relates to male BS's humiliation. Can have opposite effect on male BS:

-they thrive on the diversion (men love variety), the excitement of the illicit sex

-tremendous boost to ego

-they feel stronger, more virile

-in some cases due to the extreme competitive nature on males they even take a perverse (sometimes subconscious) pleasure in cuckolding another man's wife and thus humiliating the husband.

In effect saying to that man, I am "better in bed and/or have a superior sex organ" than you.

A few more thoughts that may explain what your husband is thinking whether consciously or otherwise.

cwmac

<small>[ May 31, 2004, 02:48 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

CW I'd really love a copy of that book. Everything in it so far has been right on the nail. Is it still in print?

How are you doing? I'd better not threadjack AGAIN - I'd better start up CWMAC III. LOL

KY4, the independence thing - I'm sure this was underlying what I did. And, why didn't I do something like TELL MY H I felt like that instead of doing something so destructive.

Jenny

<small>[ May 31, 2004, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>