October,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but he did not give this enough time at all.There is so much at stake it deserves much more time and effort </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Interesting, isn't it, that he believes he has been "working" on this marriage for 2 years. When he hasn't been "in" this marriage for the majority of that time. I think he considers the fact that while living apart, he read lots of books, and read the MB website, to be working on the marriage. Instead that is just absorbing concepts. But one has to take those concepts and put them into practice.

I think he is overwhelmed, depressed, confused, conflicted, you name it, and can see no clear way out of his misery other than flight from the marriage.

We had 3 major false recoveries - and I'm thinking there may have been some in between ones too. We went back and forth for a year, then I moved out. I still went back and forth for about 6 months - but the time alone really helped me to get a handle on my feelings and thoughts. Still, I was sure I'd tried everything and was hesitatingly moving forward with the divorce. It took the final realization of the end being near to shake me up enough to 'get it'. If he does just run back to the OW - he'll be signing himself up for months and years more of hell. I'm sure he really is hurting right now - but that won't end by leaving. The pain is his and will follow him wherever he goes. The only thing that will end the pain is to face it head on...running only makes it stronger.

Dear ISGirl,

I am sorry to hear the news but despite how you are feeling now, all is not in total despair. Why? Because you are handling this much better and it is evident he is making choices even he can't truly believe in.

This is a good time for you to go into plan B if you are strong enough. He has been mulling this for a while and babbling to you. You worked way too hard in your recovery and seriously need to get back with Penny for some serious coaching/support. For yourself 1st then him.

I can tell you by your description that there is still hope, but it will not be today nor tomorrow. It will be later. He may in a crazy sense trying to make himself fail. That will be his own demise if he loses you in he effort. OW will no longer look as enticing or even the thought of Ows, freedom w/o responsibility, etc. Those 4 walls around him will close in and eventually he will see life out there aint all it's cracked up to be.

I posted a thread recently about taking responsibility for one's own stupid acts but also NOT to take responsibility or blame for stupid acts attributed to you by others which you did NOT do. So it is vital you set your priorities here and start working on identifying your personal and family boundaries. Look at the worse case scenario and plan. Then implement those boundaries. You will find they are not that many but they are consistent.

This can be a hard time for you if your heart and mind are not in sync. But you have here a while and your knowledge @ MB has been set. Now you need to apply it as never before.

All the best to you. Rough waters are ahead but you have the tools and equipment to navigate through it.

take care,
L.

My hunch is that there was some type of contact from OW.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I'm sorry. I wish I could fix it for you.

But, we are here to help support you in any way we can.

Susan

OK, everyone is saying don't give up yet.

But, OMG, guys. It's been 2 years since the A began (probably longer). Now 3 false recoveries, each one more painful than the previous.

How much can one person handle? How many failures do we endure? How can love survive this torture? And why, oh, why, is mine still surviving? I would like nothing better than to have it die so I can be free of this pain, but no such luck.

I love this guy, and want to be there to help him over whatever hurdles he faces in life. But he says he can't "feel" my love, so he isn't buying into it.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi again,

As painful as it is,you have the right to let go IS.Sometimes that is the action to take and then you let your love for him slowly die.Ugh.That is what I am facing now too.AND I think is was an old timer here that said that to me a way back.I don't remember who,but I remember thinking that it was a possibility,a very sad one though.

Even Dr.Harley says 2 years is time enough to pass.Your love for your WH is still there because you have had hope and you have given that love the time and energy and thought to it.Do you know that song "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac? "I took my love and I took it down".Partly being about,IMO,changes in our lives,being afraid to let a loved one go,etc.Maybe it's time?

O

O....

Thanks, I think...

Hugs...and sobs...

You're the greatest!

ISGirl...you have been in my thoughts all day! I hope you are holding up ok. hang in there Girl!

Hugs to you ISgirl...i am so sorry to hear what had happen.

You are a great lady. Dont ever doubt it. If WH wants a divorce then tell him to do it soon and stop waffling. I bet since he was crying when he left...he will sit on the divorce issue again.

By the way who is the OW? Is she a coworker?

UPDATE:

He called. Remorseful. Thought he had burned his bridges.

Wait for updates, lords & ladies. Our saga is not over yet.

We are - perhaps - having a date lunch tomorrow and he says coaching is a mandatory in our future!

Hugs, Hugs, Hugs!

I will keep praying for you. Hugs.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Don't worry, we'll wait.

The outcome is always worth the wait and the work.

Hugs, ISgirl!

Susan

I am waiting!!!

Your story is an example and hope for me. I hope something good comes out. Hoping the best for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And this, my dear, dear friends and partners in this frequently painful journey, is what the power of united prayer and positive thoughts is all about.

United...working together...thinking together...praying together...what an incredibly powerful force.

Thank you one and all for the force you have put behind the healing of my marriage.

I will give you updates. Keep the positive thoughts and prayers with us tomorrow as we begin, again, our journey to recovery...even if it starts with just lunch.

Hugs!

My heart and prayers go out to you, ISGirl.
After my D-day I told my WS, "In all your life, in all the world, you will never find anyone who loves you as much as I do." And she replied, "I know that is true. It doesn't matter." So it may be with Lost Bird.
As the BS we think that if we love our WS enough despite all of the pain they have put us through, love them long enough, love them deeply enough that somehow our love will bring them home. I have said before that this is the fog of the BS. Because no matter how much love we feel and express for our WS that love just may never be returned again.
If you can find the strength I would ask you to try PlanB once more. A true, solid PlanB. Lost Bird will know what you are doing, but that will not matter. Get his office out of the house. Have absolutely no contact with him. None. Send a new PlanB letter that states your conditions and that there can be no exceptions. Not "We should see a MC" but "We will see Dr. X twice a week". Move on with your life as if you are certain your M will be over, but maintain hope. Until and unless Lost Bird is willing and ready to have NC with OW and truly work on the M, under your conditions, there can be no chance of recovery. He must relearn to respect you. Somehow you must find it in yourself to not be afraid of ending your M; your M is over otherwise.
But if you are ready to get off of the roller coaster now, know that no one here will fault you.
Stay strong, ISGirl. We are here for you, whatever you decide.
23down

We do what we can, and then we do what we must.

<small>[ May 30, 2004, 11:00 PM: Message edited by: 23down ]</small>

Just saw your update after I posted.
Stand your ground, ISGirl. He wants to be with you still. Make certain he knows exactly what that will take. Enough is, well, enough.

23down

ISgirl,

Aren't you my lutz friend (or was it brandon/riverview)? In any case, perhaps we need to meet together and do some mall therapy! A good old mall trip! Or, ooo, ooo, better yet, a pedicure. Nothing better to me than paying less than 20 dollars to let someone else rub, clean, declaw, paint, polish, and smooth my nasty feet! Ahhhh....we could do pedi therapy.

Just say the word...you are but a short interstate ride away, sister!

Hang in there. I am sure he broke contact, thus, renewed fog. Because, out of all the ws's, his recovery attempts seemed genuine, and his love for you shone in his posts...

Tell him to stop worshipping the "god" of his feelings. We all feel things fleetingly ... feelings lie. Think about how you will be so angry and devestatd about something one night, and wake up the next morning and think, "What the hell was I so worked up about." That, my friend, is the god of your feelings, trying to wreak havoc.

I am a VERY emotional person...and I have learned some valuable lessons about that (had to... for survival's sake). That is, if I am feeling really strongly about something, and I am questioning the validity of my feelings in relation to an actual decision that will impact my life long term, than I ditch my feelings to the side for the moment, and then check that decision against my values. Does it gel? If so, than I will WAIT, think so more, than go with it.

For example: Right now I FEEEEEEL like I am OVER the whole A game with my WH. I FEEEEEL a lot of anger and resentment, that I have to work through daily. I FEEEEL like I would like to move on, after all, I am young, smart, funny, attractive, and I still "got it." I FEEEEEL like I would like to tell WH where he can go. Ok....now check that against what I believe about life, the kind of person I want to be, etc. I believe, quite a bit, actually, in the sanctity of marriage (I had good models...my parents have been happily married for 34 years). I took that better or worse vow for real (and this pretty much qualifies for worse). I also believe in forgiveness, and also believe it would be very hypocritical of me NOT to forgive this, especially since I am not perfect either, and would like to be forgiven for the things I have done over the years. Well, my FEELINGS of sending WH to hell, and telling him where he can stick this marriage does not gel with my beliefs about the kind of woman I want to be, and what I think about marriage covenants.

I know you do not need to hear this...but your WH does. He needs to stop trying to stick around to "FEEL" something, and think about what he believes to be right and wrong, and what kind of person he wants to be. What will he FEEL about himself if he pitches your M, becomes the big fat liar/cheater again, and all the rest that comes with this mess?????

Anyhoo, I will step down off of my soap box, and get on my knees and say a prayer for you, ISgirl! We are all pulling for you!

Thought I would pop in and say that I have been thinking about you. I am praying things will go better for you today.

Smile and be strong!!

Faithful

23down - Hi! Yes, we will have a firm, concrete plan in place. And it will have total accountability built into it. No try...just do. And we will BOTH accept the fact that there is WORK involved, and we will not duck out of it. Thanks, my friend, for being there. I need an update on you too!

SerendipiT,

I'm in Valrico - know where that is? Yeah, Brandon/Riverview area. Where are you?

And BTW, your post was inspirational to me. The gods of emotions - WOW! My H DOES need to read that. Very, very wise, you are, my dear!

ISGirl! I am so happy he called. that IS a positive sign. I just want to say that I have felt the way I do for a couple days, but your post made me want to start my own threads to get some insight. I didn't mean to put so much emphasis on LB, but it was all too familiar and "fresh" for me.

I have been praying for you a lot. I KNOW this will work for you two. he seems to have had a brain fart of some kind! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />