I am having a difficult day! I am feeling really lonely and wondering what I am fighting for anymore. My H sent the NC e-mail yesterday morning but that has not appeased me. There are so many miles between us and my need for affection is not being met because it is impossible right now. I just have sat here and wondered today if I really want to be in this marriage anymore. He has betrayed me three times now and I wonder if he will ever be faithful to me. Am I going to go through the motions and fall head over heals for him again, let my guard down, become vulnerable just to be heartbroken again?? I have to wonder and is that what I want? I have always been so committed to him and have always loved him with my entire heart but I am so scared and don't know what to do with that fear. D has never been something I've considered even when he has been unfaithful in the past. I do love him and I know that if he is willing to get the help he needs to fix his problem than I owe it to my 4 boys to make my...our marriage what it can and should be but I am tired!
I just got off the phone with him and did some major LBing but I am so sick of being a single parent to these 4 boys!! I am sick of always having to be the disciplinary and the nurse and the chef and the maid and the......! The list could go on. I love my children and love the fact that I have always been here for them but I am sick of doing it all by myself!
Don't mind me. I am on a pity party for myself today. Any words out there that may lift me up?

Other than a NC-email, what plans for insuring recovery and rebuilding have you and your H committed to?

Kathi

Well he has agreed to go to councelling but as of yet has not called anyone or even looked into it. It has been 2 weeks since he said he would do this and so far.......nothing! I am feeling really bitter and angry today.

Hi there mom,

I'm sorry that you feel down.It's no wonder though having gone through this twice before.That is tough.I know what it feels like to be the everything to your children.Even before the A happened to me and WH,I was doing just about everything for them and always have.

One day I was remembering just how much trouble it was some nights to ask HIM(WH) to get up and feed the newborn(our first) when I was so sleep deprived.You would have thought I asked for a million dollars.Boy,is there a pattern here or what.The more I look back on my WH actions all these years,the more I should have seen this fallout.No.that's no alltogether true.No matter what he did in the past,I never even had a clue it would lead to THIS.

Anyway,all I can say is I sympathize.But I don't know how your WH could put you through this all over again.That is just so shameful.But,your son's need you desperately to show them how NOT to treat a woman when they grow up because your WH certainly is doing a lousy job.You hang in there.I know that trying to find your way to staying in the marriage can be brutal.I am going through that myself.But if it helps,know that you have been a saint to go through this again with WH,giving all of yourself to your family.If you bowed out right now,no one would suggest that you didn't have any right.

Maybe your Plan A should be shorter this time around.Afterall,he knows the game plan and he is using it to his advantage.The NC letter is a first step but we'll see how long he abides by it and he should get his a** into high gear because this is the third time around.I am sorry I don't have much support by way of staying.You have been to he** and back now more than anyone should have to endure.If you stay,I would support you but I would caution you that this may be a way of life for him.How much can you bear? I just would hate to see you get hurt repeatedly so maybe you need the big guns? Have you considered calling Steve and getting into counseling with him?

Is this current A with the same woman as before?

O

Octobergirl.....Thank-you for replying. To answer your question, no...there have been 3 different OW's. First was an EA, second EA/PA, and now third EA. It's really kinda sad that I can justify this last one, well not justify but we have been living thousands of miles apart for 7 months now due to work and the EA came about after he was gone 5 months. I mean what has happened was wrong and he hurt me and he knows it but I can understand him needing a friend. Why it had to be a female friend I don't know but.......I am angry about it but I am more angry about all the plans that have been put on hold or ruined because of his stupidity!!

Today is another bad day. I have been really angry today!! But the anger is directed to at the OW!! I found out today that she persued my husband for 4 months until she got him at a weak moment. It does not excuse him for carrying it on, but he told her he was happily married for 4 months and she just wouldn't let it go! So today i have spent far to many moments thinking really horrible things! I do not like it because I am not a mean or hateful person. I am angry at him too for not talking to me about all of this before the EA but it's a lot easier to be enraged with someone you've never met and don't love. I know that this will pass with time. I experienced it after my H 2nd EA/PA. I had horrible thoughts about her too and they did go away with time. Now I could care less about her.
It just really stinks to go through it again.

So, you are to believe..........

Your H, the poor innocent little faithful lamb who fought off the evil ho-bag OW for months on end, screaming "I love my wife, leave me alone!" finally caved and gave into her evil wicked ways!

I am curious WHY you would believe this story? Isn't this like affair #3 for him?

<small>[ May 31, 2004, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

It's not that I totally belive the story but I do know that went he first went out there our marriage was quite solid and when I went for a visit in Feb everyone that I met told me they were happy to finally meet the wife. They all said that your husband talks so highly of you and he has missed you terribly. He had been away from his family for a long time when all this happened and I am not excusing what he has done or even understanding it.....it was wrong and should have never happened! And it is me that has suffered the greatest! I am not by any means saying that he is innocent because that would be totally foolish of me but he is not totally to blame.
You know I sit here typing this and think I must sound totally naive but I have been through this too many times to be. I am just having a difficult time right now with the anger. I don't want to give up on my marriage and I know that he needs help. He knows that too! But I fear that the anger is going to get in the way of recovery.
Any suggestions?
I would really love to confront her but I have to ask myself what good would that do?

Mom, if he jumped into bed with another woman when your marriage was in "great shape," then you have an even bigger problem on your hands than most. You realize that, don't you?

What was his reason for the other affairs?

He didn't jump into bed with her. It was a EA. I do have a problem or should I say he has a problem. To be honest I just found this site and Dr. Harley a couple months ago so I don't know that we really figured out the reason for the last A's. Well the first one was his EN not being met. We had 3 babies in 6 years so I was a little preoccupied. That one wasn't hard to figure out. The second one I really don't know forsure. He grew up in an enviroment where his father, uncle, grandfather all cheated. He knows that this is a problem and he needs to get help to stop the cycle.

mom, does he believe that adultery is wrong?

YES!!!! He has sobbed many times saying that he never wanted to be like his father and is disgusted that he seems to be just that! I mean he's not really because his father didn't really think he was doing anything wrong. Even when he slept with my H's girlfriend. He know it's wrong! He know's it causes me great pain and the kids also. He also knows that "friendship" with a woman is wrong! So why he does it when he knows it's wrong is beyond me. He really is a caring and loving man deep down. He has always been very romantic and affectionate except when he was being unfaithful. I love him so much and want to work through this. (not what I said yesterday but what I say 98% of the days) I want to help him because I love him and because I want him to be able to show our sons that this in not right!

Mom,

With all the adultry in his family, he must of seen how the affairs hurt his mother, grandmother and all the other women who are important in his life.

My H grandfather cheated on his wife, this happen when my MIL was young. His GF stayed with the GM until she passed away. I know how the A effect my MIL, she can not stand cheaters, that is why this situation with me and my H is breaking her heart in more than one way. She is blaming herself, but I told her its not her fault what her son did. I know he was raised with God's love and she did everything to teach him right from wrong.

I couldn't imagine going through this three times. This is his first A, and the OW has been pursuing him for seven years, even though she was married herself. It is hard to imagine a woman going after a married man. Its all about her and she doesn't care who she destroys.

I know the loneliness you must be feeling and also the anger.

May God be with you and your boys.

WEll, the only thing I can say is that ALOT of counseling and ALOT of changes are in order or this will continue to happen over and over again.

He might know its wrong, but he doesn't control himself when the opportunity presents itself. So knowing it's wrong is of no avail if you have no self control.

I don't believe for a minute that his affairs stem from unmet needs. Certainly being away from home for 7 months added fuel to the fire, but this is a problem that is within him, hence the reocurrance.

Has he started counseling or anything?

HD2,
Thank-you. My MIL believes that this is her fault also. She says if she had left her H before her sons were in thier late teens than they may be different. My BIL had one EA on his wife a couple of years ago but nothing since. My H is not a bad man. He has a problem that he has to fix for himself, for us, and for his boys. I love him way to much to give up on our M against most of my families opinions. I know that our kids cannot grow up seeing this all the time but I am not ready or willing to end it. It's very confusing and heartbreaking.

ML,
He is currently seeking a councelor where he is. Apparently not an easy feat. I have been searching on-line for something and haven't had much luck either. Any suggestions? Keep in mind that finances are an issue. It makes it difficult when you don't have the funds.

mom, I don't know where he would find a counselor. Can he not get a job closer to home since the distance is causing such problems for your marriage?

Well the boys and I were to be moving there when school was done but I kinda put a hold on that since I found out about the EA. This job has turned out to become a promotion which will improve our $$ situation. If he were to come back here than he would have to go back to what he was doing before and to be honest he has worked his a** off to get this position. I am doubting my plans to hold the move now but at the moment it was what I had to do. I know that we are not going to truely recover until we are together again. It's so hard because we are leaving all of our friends and family and that is scarey enough without having to deal with the EA. I think that I am going to fly there this week-end for some time alone with him for about 4-5 days. It's hard to talk only on the phone all the time.