Just wondering what others think.

How soon do you start depositing into WS Love Bank?

How much and how often do you deposit into WS Love Bank?

My W said she is feeling smothered.

Here is my story and first post :
My Story

Thanks,

Just_Friends_NOT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just_Friends_NOT:
<strong>How soon do you start depositing into WS Love Bank?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Immediately.

But you can't be over bearing. Hence your wife's response:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>My W said she is feeling smothered. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You need to find a balance in Plan A to make deposits, while at the same time, not being pushy or a "burden" to her. Try backing off until you detect her noticing you're backing off. That's the balance point.

More important for now - what is the status of your exposure of the affair? - especially to OM's wife?

Justfriends, I went over and read your initial post on Just Found Out. Please find a real MC. Your counselor is a detriment to your marriage and is not PRO-marriage. For her to tell you there is something wrong or invasive about snooping when your W is having an affair is OUTRAGEOUS. She believes it is somehow WORSE to catch your wife having an affair than it is to HAVE an affair. Good grief.

I am sorry, but NO ONE has the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back and you shouldn't let anyone manipulate you into believing otherwise. This is about YOUR life and you have EVERY RIGHT to know what is going on in it. So, don't you DARE let anyone convince you there is something wrong in snooping to PROTECT your interests from an adulterous wife.

Please consider counseling with a pro-marriage counselor that has a mind, such as Steve HArley. He will not waste your time. He specializes in infidelity and is one of the top MC in the US. He is pro marriage and won't waste your time and money trying to make you feel guilty for protecting your interests.

Controlling is a standard accusation used by radical feminists against any man who can't be pussified. Do you feel you are truly controlling, or are you just not beaten down yet?

<small>[ May 30, 2004, 09:57 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

How therapy can be hazardous to your marriage:

http://www.smartmarriages.com/hazardous.html

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>Controlling is a standard accusation used by radical feminists against any man who can't be pussified.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, Mel, you nailed that one!

The "controlling" accusation is also standard fare for WSs of either sex when confronted with even reasonable encouragement to get their heads out of their butts.

A big ditto, too, regarding the marriage counselor. Any counselor who defends a WS against a snooping BS has bought into the affair as a right of the WS - or believes the WS's denials of an affair. Which is worse? If a counselor believes the denials, they shouldn't have gotten out of counseling kindergarten. Period.

Print out this post and show it to your counselor. Please tell us his/her reaction. In fact, ask him/her to post to me and Mel and explain why we're screwed up.

That said, you only need to do so much snooping. Once you're assembled "deer in the headlights" evidence - stop. Any more is simply more pain for you and more love busters on your wife.

WAT

<small>[ May 31, 2004, 06:19 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Thanks for the positive feedback. Our MC almost made me start believing I am the bad guy. I am not saying I am not to blame for a lot of the Love Busters. I am aware and willing to change my attitude and behaviors, but to just totally avoid what happended to me is very one sided.

Thanks again,

Just_Friends_NOT

JustFriends, if her behavior is not addressed this is all hopeless. This is not about you right now. Sure, some of your behavior may have led to the environment that made your marriage weak, but she is 100% responsible for this affair. And I am concerned that this message is not being conveyed to her, to the detriment of your MARRIAGE.

You are not the bad guy here. Nor does your marriage have a chance until she ends this affair. Y'all are wasting your time in counseling if she is still in contact with OM UNLESS the MC is doing everything to END THE AFFAIR. Recovery is impossible until contact ends. That is why I suggest you counsel with Harley, he will help you END THE AFFAIR so you can recover. You are flushing money down the toilet with a MC that is not focusing on ending the affair.

A very good book that will help you understand all this is Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. I would get this book as fast as you can.

Mel,

I do have controlling tendancies. I relate this to my childhood upbringing and my recent lack of control in my career (controlling father and leadership with out control). I was bringing this home and it was wrong. I am willing to change.

Just_Friends_NOT

Mel,

Just reread you post and the MC didn't even go down the path of how I felt about the EA. We hardly discussed it (if at all). We went down the path of my invading her privacy and how I was trying to fix her and control her.

Ahhhhhhh...this just completely frustrates me.

She e-mailed me today and wanted to setup an appointment this week with the MC. She said she needed to discuss some stuff. I had a complete anxiety attack. Still feeling the after affects.

Just_Friends_NOT

WS got pissed about the Emotional Needs survey after we completed it last night. She said she is unhappy and doesn't want to be here anymore.

Just_Friends_NOT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just_Friends_NOT:
<strong> WS got pissed about the Emotional Needs survey after we completed it last night. She said she is unhappy and doesn't want to be here anymore.

Just_Friends_NOT </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trying to educate them is usually a huge lovebuster. What about this made her mad?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just_Friends_NOT:
<strong>

She e-mailed me today and wanted to setup an appointment this week with the MC. She said she needed to discuss some stuff. I had a complete anxiety attack. Still feeling the after affects.

Just_Friends_NOT </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, why not give the Harleys a try? It almost sounds like she wants to see this counselor in order to validate her affair. This MC certainly is not helping your marriage, she is only helping break up your marriage by ignoring your W's destructive behavior at your expense. This all sounds like a "beat up on justfriendsNOT" session, which acheives nothing. MC's like this actually encourage women to dump their H's.

You don't have to agree to go to a counselor you feel does you no good. Your W may not like it, but her temporary anger won't compensate for the damage caused by an anti-marriage C.