Yesterday I had a rough day. We had a great date Saturday. We went to an early movie and a late dinner. We spent almost 6 hours alone together. Today we spent the morning/afternoon around the house then took the boys bowling then out to dinner. So why am I so scared and doubtful.

LB leaving has really got me thinking and really scared. I can feel ISGirl's pain so much. I can see the pain in her eyes, in her words. It is all so real to me. I am so scared Dad will pull an LB again. Packing the bags, crying. My gosh, de ja vu for me. We just went thru this on Mothers Day. Him packing the bags, crying, leaving.

I have quizzed him over and over again. Telling him "if you have any desire whatsoever to see her or be with her, just do it...but all I ask is you do not hide it from me....tell me about it upfront" he will ask me "and what will I do" I will explain to him that I cannot go thru this again..If he does decide to be with her or leave us, then that is it. He is out of my life. The pain is unbearable.

I asked him what his schedule was this week and he mentioned going to THE NH. I freaked. He said he would go on her day off. We had a huge discussion about it. I dont think I LB'd and I was very calm. I told him I did not feel comfortable with it and that he has no business going. But the residents are wanting me to go. He said I could go with him.

Then we had a discussion about him feeling that it was now or nothing. Either he moves forward with me, which he said he watned to, or he leaves and lets me get on with my life and vice versa. He said he wanted to move forward.

I expressed to him how much I appreciate him being here NOW...TODAY....at this very moment....I thanked him for staying with us another day. I told him how much he means to me and how much I appreciate him.

At one point early in the day he asked me if everything I do is sincere or if I am buttering it up to make him feel better. I told him absolutley not, that everything I do is real. he felt that I should get angry with him. I asked him why he felt that and he said that I should be angrier with him. I told him I already got angry with him. and I dont know what tomorrow will bring. I may be angry, but I think i am past that and right now I try to approach things in a different way. I try to talk them out with him. If I am angry he will know it. As I threw his clothes out of the burb and onto the parking lot.

I am just so scared, but H assures me that I have nothing to be scrared about. I asked him if I SHOULD trust him and he said it doesnt matter...HUH??? he said that it is all over with and he has ntohing to hide. He said if he is seeing her, I will find out anyway. I dont want to find out...I want him to tell me...but he assures me I have ntohing to worry about.

I do trust him...or I WANT to trust him. I am so scared though.

Thanks for letting me vent!

You will be okay. Hang in there. Plan A as good as you can. Dont lovebust and at the same time keep your eyes open.

Remember, keep to the plan then you will be okay. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You have every right to be scared. And IMHO, you shouldn't trust him right now. He is not trustworthy.

Also, if he goes to the NH, you should go with him. Bake something nice and take it to the residents. It doesn't have to be a trip that you are just chaparoning your H. Make it fun. Take some treats, talk it up with the residents, with the staff.

My H's OW's S (confusing?) is in his patrol in Scouts. During the A, I didn't go to the Scout meetings because she was there and I didn't want to poke her eye out in front of my children - not a good example.

Now that H is home and we are in recovery, her S is still in his patrol (long story, and we are working on that). Now, I go to ALL the meetings. OW has yet to go to one since recovery, but it is important for the adults to see H and I together again. Some know about the A, some don't.

IMHO, you want your face up front in everything your H does. For a while.

Mom, I have a thread on recovery called "Head Games with Myself" regarding this very topic. I got some good responses. Check them out.

Lots of love and support and HUGS to you!!! Hang in there, you are doing great and being very courageous.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> SS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ May 31, 2004, 09:22 AM: Message edited by: Spider Slayer ]</small>

Mom,

I'm sorry. But LB isn't every man. And remember, LB called last night. Did you read the update?

I know you are afraid. And there is nothing wrong with being cautious. But allow yourself to love Dad. And show him that love. And let him feel the love, if he can right now - he may not be able to.

I'm really sorry my sitch has upset you so. Hugs to you {{{{{Mom}}}}}

Keep the faith, sweetie!

momto3boys,

You are doing great. You have to go with him for now to the NH !. It might not be him but OW could change her schedule or just show up there. I worry about WH to resist temptation right in front of his eyes.

-rh-

Just relax. That is the best thing you can do for dad (and yourself) right now anyway. You being tense and scared won't help a thing.

Try not to worry about things that may or may not happen. Just take it one day at a time. Focus on today and now. Things seem to be going good so far.

Try to train your brain to leave the "negative thinking" alone...


Chin up...make the best of today and enjoy it!

Susan

Hiya,

Ok, your H is in the med profession so he knows about 'irregular heartbeats' at least the physical kind. ...... U R having an EN one.

Step back and breathe.....come on, deep cleansing breathes. Again, don't hyperventilate.

re: You need this technique when you start to panic. But too much is not good either. U need 2 find balance.

Take a look at where u 2 r now. Much improved from the last time we saw u 2. I am proud of the both of u. So if you recall anything from our last convo, remember this trust rebuilding thing takes time.

Now what have u 2 agreed to do in advance when you get in these panic moods? Because beating him with words isn't healthy.

I let mine know I feel sad or scared. Triggers still exist, he now knows that when those triggers show up, his job is to provide reassurance. For me it is key critical. Takes a while at times but it comes.....slow but surely. See we may not look like we are in good recovery but only time will tell. We see progress and it is steady, that's the main thing.

Same for u 2.

Pray for a calm heart and a clear mind. Adding a hug or 2 sure helps. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

take care,
L.

Of course you are nervous and scared--very natural! Just be kind to yourself. Remember that feelings aren't everything, but allow yourself to feel. They tell you something--what do you need to do to feel better? Pray, receive some reassurance from you H, go for a run, etc. Do what you need to do. It would be crazy to fully trust him right now, he has to show you by his actions that he is changing. Notice I said changing--this stuff just doesn't take place overnight. It takes time, love and patience. YOu have all of it, you are doing great.

Remember during recovery "This too shall pass" as each day, each moment sometimes brings different feelings and progress or backtracking. Just keep your eyes on the road ahead, remember where you are going and do only what will be helpful in getting there. BEHAVE lovingly, BE the person you want to be. You can never go wrong that way.