Hi everyone. This is my first post on this forum. I've been on others but from what i can tell, this seems like it's going to be worthwhile. Okay my story is...
My husband has been involved with my best friend for almost a year now. They were getting emotionally close for some time but the sexual affair only started in August. I confronted him almost right away and he denied it for a while but finally admitted it in October. He begged me to stay with him and work on our marriage, he didn't want her, etc. He finally broke contact with her in December and had about 2 months of NC. I thought we were doing fine starting to rebuild. He made the mistake of seeing her, however, and once he did, he lost all the ground he had gained as far as the withdrawal was concerned. Since then, he's been seeing her on a regular basis, still living with me but we have an
"arrangement" so we can still work on our marriage. I know....that's almost impossible to do when he's seeing her and spending quality time with her and our time is meals, housework, etc. He just keeps saying he's not ready to give her up yet. He says he's on "empty" where I'm concerned, yet he acknowledges there is still a small flame there. He's in the process of reading Dr. Harley's basic concepts and knows he's not receptive to my efforts to put deposits in the love bank. I've been doing lots of affection-type things since October but I know as long as SHE is in his heart, I can't build up deposits. He also understands all the good we still have in our relationship and that it's been good for 30+ years but he apparently wasn't having some of his emotional needs met and she does that. He, of course, never told me what he wanted/needed so I was supposed to guess what was lacking for him.
He's being irrational and selfish, is hurting me terribly, yet I believe in our relationship and in him, I'm not one to walk away from a 30 year marriage without a fight. I'm willing to be the one who gives and gives at this point in time. How long I can do this, I don't know but I won't give up without giving it all I've got.
Okay...what can I do to help him realize what's going on and to help build up his love bank so he can get himself disentangled from the affair?
Please help me.
Andi51

He can break off the affair, he's choosing not to.

This breaks my heart and makes me mad! You have given him 30 years and this is how he repays you?!

I think you may get advise to go to "PlanB" that's what I think you should do if you can.

Oh ((((hugs)))). He CAN decide NC in this case...he's being the dreaded cakeman. Perhaps you should look into the plan B approach. You are in my prayers. Look to God, family, friends and this board for support and put an end to his hurting you.

Edited to add: the flame comment indicates there is still hope! I'm pulling for you.

<small>[ May 31, 2004, 01:46 PM: Message edited by: nine line bind ]</small>

You are WAY overdue for Plan B, Andi. This has dragged on this long because he has absolutely no motivation to end the affair. Why would he? He has the perfect set up. He has 2 women meeting his needs so he will go on like this as long as you let him. He can go on FOREVER.

And the longer it goes, the longer and HARDER it will be for him to EVER disengage from his second wife. Please stop enabling your H's affair, Andi. You are destroying your marriage by staying in Plan A this long.

See, the OW can't possibly meet all of his needs, otherwise, he would have left for her long ago. But he doesn't KNOW that because you are protecting him from that discovery by continuing to meet his needs. In the bargain, he is losing all respect for you because he knows you have NO boundaries. And you are living in hell.

As far as recovery goes, there is no recovery happening as long as he is still engaged in his affair. It is impossible. Not to mention the fact that educating him is a lovebuster and a complete waste of time at this point.

Andi, it is time to start dealing with this head on. Plan B is your best hope in ending this affair. It will pull him off the fence once he realizes that the OW can't possibly meet all of needs. There are no guarantees, of course, but at the very worst, it will you an opportunity to detach and live in some peace. It is hell to have to live in such an environment and have the affair rubbed in your nose.

What I would suggest is first exposing the affair to the whole world, hopefully you have already done this. And secondly, working on a Plan B letter and working out all the details of getting him to move out.

I would also strongly suggest calling the Harley's for counseling. They are outstanding marriage counselors who specialize in infidelity. They are very proactive and won't waste your time with nonsense. If anyone can help you restore your marriage, they can.

<small>[ May 31, 2004, 02:16 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Have you exposed this affair? Is the OW married?

The OW left her husband back in November and has living with her parents (at the age of 45!) ever since. She can't afford to get a place of her own unless my DH moves in with her and foots at least half the bill.

OK, Andi, sorry to be harsh, but girlfriend, you have GOT to start loving yourself enough to be able to tell your H that you won't stand for him taking the best of both of you and giving YOU, his WIFE just about NOTHING after 30 YEARS!

Please, please, please begin your spiritual journey NOW. Check out Melodie Beattie's co dependent stuff. Understand the MB concepts. While you are working on yourself, and meeting the needs you had failed to meet, you will understand the dynamics of A's. Sounds like you get some of it now.

He "can't" isnt' true, he doesn't want to and WON"T. I know, I was there with my H too. Plan B really works, both for you, him and your M. Please get stronger about your own worth. If you have made the changes in your M you need to, but he is still with OW (PLan A) at some point, he has to have a taste of REALITY--Plan B.

I don't know how you can continue in this way, knowing he is with her. This will kill the bit of self esteem you have left. Don't, please don't let that happen.

If I have gotten anything from my experiences with my H's A, it has been the spiritual growth, and loving and respecting myself. Even if my M doesn't survive, I will be OK, better than OK because I know myself, love myself and have a great spiritual life. Trust in yourself. Respect yourself. Set the boundaries with your H. He can't keep crossing them and experience NO consequences.

Hugs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Andi51:
<strong> The OW left her husband back in November and has living with her parents (at the age of 45!) ever since. She can't afford to get a place of her own unless my DH moves in with her and foots at least half the bill. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you told her parents? Have you talked to her H? Have you told all your family, his family? Your friends?

Yes, her parents know. They watched this thing grow and since we were all good friends, we were at their house often. Her mother encouraged the affair because DH has a good job and her husband didn't. H and I are both visable community members and the word is all around the community. In fact, my son's friends knew about it before we told him. H's students apparently all know although no one has said anything directly to him, they've been seen in public by many people. In addition, OW has been showing a card he sent her to people she thinks are friendly. They've told me about it. She really doesn't have any friends because she's manipulative, controlling, and a hypocondriac among other things I won't print. Her H knows - she left him in November to be with my H only he hasn't left.
I beg to differ with some of the responses found here but I do have a great deal of respect for myself. I'm a strong person and will survive with or without my H but to be honest, I prefer building our marriage to divorce. I've known H for 34 years and I know if I throw him out, he will take that to mean it's over even if I qualify it by using plan B. I'm doing what I think is currently the best solution given our situation. We're living under the same roof but not intimately and both have freedom to do our own thing which includes him seeing OW. We eat dinner together most nights and have scheduled times for talks. I know it's bull that he can't leave OW but that's his mindset and nothing I say will change that. I've tried.
I was looking for support, not someone to yell at me!
Andi

Andi,
You have been given some wonderful advise based on the post that you posted.
No body is yelling at you, they are being supportive and have offered some ideas for you.
Plan B is most certainly your best option, other than that I can tell you what you want to hear.

I sympathise with you.
Continue to do as you have been doing.
Live with this man, although no intamacy is taking place.
Allow him to continue his affair right under your nose with your friend.
Waste the next 30 yrs being miserable in a marriage of convenience.

Now......I'm not yelling at you, I am giving you the support you WANT to hear.

I wish you well, we all do. Please keep posting and understand that the advice that others have given you may very well save your marriage, what you are doing won't!

I certainly didn't think I was yelling at you, and I thought I was giving you support.

Let me put it this way: if your H was drinking and it was ruining him, would you allow him to keep living in your house, allow him to sleep it off in your house, and help him with the hangover the next morning? You know that would be destructive to him and to you and your M. There is no chance for a real marriage under those circumstances. You would be enabling him to continue drinking--never having to live with the consequences of his own actions, all the while you just saying there is nothing you can do.

An affair is destructive to ALL involved, and very much so to him too. YOU are allowing this to happen by not letting him live with the consequences of his actions.

I realize that you may not be ready to hear this. I truly only reply to a few posts because my heart goes out to people who sound like how I was.

May I make one suggestion? Try reading a new book that was featured on Oprah: "Back from Betrayal" The author describes her husband's infidelity and her journey to understanding and loving herself. I always thought of myself as strong and loving, too, but even Steve Harley in our counseling said that after Plan A wasn't working, I needed to go to Plan B. In effect my allowing him to continue his A with no consequence in our M was enabling it to continue.

I don't want to lecture, I truly, sincerely, want to help you. I know everyone goes at their own pace, it is just hard for me to not want to help shortcut someone else's pain. I have come to believe through my experiences that if a WS doesn't end it right after d-day, tougher measures are needed.

I will pray for you and wish you the very best. I will not post to you any longer as I really don't want to offend.

Dear Andi,
Please believe me when I tell you that I know some of what you are going through. Those who have posted to you are not trying to hurt you. Sometimes the advice given doesn't fit your particular situation, but then we don't know you or your husband. We can only gather information from what you post.
There are people here who have been working on their marriages for a long, long time. There are those whose spouses have left their homes to live with the other person. There are some who are successfully rebuilding their marriages. Everyone is trying to help you based on their own experiences. Take what is helpful and prayerfully apply it.
Sometimes it DOES feel as if others are yelling at you, but it's just because they care vehemently about trying to help you. Tough Love, I guess.
This is a hard time, and no one knows how they will deal with these things until they are faced with them. I am praying for you and for your husband. Reread some of these posts and filter out what applies to you, if you can.
Are you sleeping at night? I know that's one of my problems, and when I get really exhausted, I really have trouble coping with all of this. Could you possibly get some medication to help you? I have been losing a lot of weight, too, and I am trying to make myself eat because being so emotional takes a toll on your energy level, so we need fuel! These problems are classic to depression, and your doctor could give you some medications to help get you over these horrible first few weeks. I didn't take any anti-depressants until this past month. I thought that I should be able to handle this without that kind of help, but let me tell you, after losing 35 pounds in three months and getting dark circles under my eyes, I decided it was time to ask for help. I am beginning to feel better.
Also, realize that you are NOT ALONE! Did you see how many members belong to this site? I believe the number is now in excess of 35,000. That is amazing, isn't it? Satan is surely at work trying to destroy our families.

I hope that you have a better day tomorrow. I am praying specifically that your husband will have his eyes opened. If you can, get hold of a book by Dr. David Clarke. I believe the title is "What to Do When Your Spouse Says I Don't Love You Anymore". It runs counter clockwise to what some MC's advise, but it worked for me! There are other good books, but that is the one that helped me the most. It is an agressive plan, but it's one that would work with your husband still living in the house with you. Do try to find it. Dr. Clarke has a website that you could check out, too. By the way - he sees this from a "guy's" viewpoint. That makes for interesting reading.

God bless you!

Thanks everybody, especially Marie Elena1! I did have a terrible day yesterday. Most days have been okay. I am on Zoloft, for about a month and a half and it really has helped me think and deal with everything. We really haven't even tried Plan A officially as yet even though it may sound like that's what we've been doing. I was just introduced to Marriage Builders about a week ago and I have read all of the BC material as well as the infidelity stuff. H is in the process of reading it as well. Once he's finished, we'll go through it together and then work on a plan. I recognize the validity of the plan A/B, but I also know at this point plan B is not right for us. I'm a patient and religious person and I feel God will help us in His time. I'm not going to say it's easy but I can deal with what's going on for now.
Andi

Kick him out and go to Plan B.

Do not deny him the "experience" of having what he thinks he wants.

If he won't leave, seek legal advice to make him leave.

WAT

Andi,
I am so sorry you are where you are. I too believed that my WH would see Plan B as an end and not even care to try. So I plan A it to death and in the long run I have been hurt very deeply. We have had 3 false recoveries. Like you, I didn't like a lot of the advice I received here, but truely everyone was helping. I thought that they didn't know my H. Well let me tell you. I have helped enable the A. I set no boundries and WH had no real consequences, so why should he give up the best of both worlds. Now I am completely exhausted. I am meeting with an attorney and beginning a D, hoping all the while WH will wake up and come home. If not then I didn't have much of a M to save. Pick and chose advice, but know that it comes with the best intentions. But don't allow him to continue the A without consequences. You will just be used.

We have officially started with Plan A and are in the process of going through the BC material together and talking about it. I'm confused though at what things I need to do to help make this a positive experience for him without meeting his emotional needs. That's what he says was lacking and what she does for him. We are highly compatable in every other way and meet each other's needs. In fact he says he's "in love" with me everyway except emotionally. I don't know specifically what I should/should not do.

Andi, Plan A and Plan B are private plans for you to follow alone. Their purpose of each is to end the affair.

In Plan A, you stop all lovebusters, INCLUDING trying to educate him [a big lovebuster], and you try to meet his needs as much as he will let you. [if he will take the emotional needs questionaire, that would be helpful to you - it can found on this website]

The idea is that doing this will attract him back to you and away from the OW.

This works if the needs of the WS have not been met at home. Again, the purpose of Plan A is to END THE AFFAIR.

If Plan A does not work in 2 - 6 months, one should move into Plan B. Staying in Plan A beyond this is actually counterproductive and causes the affair to become more ENTRENCHED.

However, often Plan A will not work alone which makes it necessary to go to Plan B. Plan B will often pull them off the fence and force them to realize that the OP can't possibly meet all their needs. Ideally, Plan B will cause them to END the affair and come back into the marriage when Plan A has failed to achieve this.


Good luck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MelodyLane,
Thanks! I'm working on doing that, eliminating the love busters (actually, we didn't have too much of that anyway) and trying to meet his needs. That's what makes our situation so bizarre! We are totally compatible and get along great, even now. He never seemed to want to be "touchy feely" until my best friend started acting that way with him and BINGO, the emotional affair started. Now he tells me that was what was missing from our relationship. Duh, if he had told me that, I could have fixed it, let's see, like 30 years ago! I'm trying to meet those needs but my problem now is that I read somewhere in the information that it is impossible for the BS to make deposits in the WS's love bank while he is still involved in the affair. If that's the case, isn't everything I'm trying to do wasted other than it's the nice thing to do? He says he notices my effort and realizes what I'm doing but it sure doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere. Maybe we just need more time. I'm a person who takes a long time making a decision but when i do decide to do something I go at it with everything I've got. I can't understand why he's got to sit on the fence when he admits that he knows what needs to be done.
I'm probably guilty of trying to educate him, though. I guess I need to be more aware of that. What exactly fits into this category?
Andi

Hi vote for Plan B - this arrangement is not fair to you and he has the best of both worlds -
both you and the OW. If you keep this up you are enabling him, you need to force him to make a choice. Go to Plan B.

Read everything on this website re the plan, follow it and be firm - good luck - Sandy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Andi51:
[QB] I'm trying to meet those needs but my problem now is that I read somewhere in the information that it is impossible for the BS to make deposits in the WS's love bank while he is still involved in the affair. If that's the case, isn't everything I'm trying to do wasted other than it's the nice thing to do?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's not impossible to make deposits in their bank, but sometimes it is of no avail, especially when you are in a pretty good marriage like yours. I think you have already seen the best that Plan A can accomplish and it hasn't ended the affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can't understand why he's got to sit on the fence when he admits that he knows what needs to be done.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, he really has no reason to NOT sit on the fence. He has the best of both worlds having his needs met by TWO women. See, he would have no reason to end the affair.