My wife got her own apartment on 3/31 for "time and space". I had suspicions of an A, but couldn't confirm them until 5/22. I've essentially been doing Plan A all along, even though I didn't really know for sure about the A until recently.

She waffles all the time... from "I need some time, but I think it will work out in the end" to "I want a divorce" to "I think I want a divorce, but I'll try counseling first". We're currently in the last one. She wants me to go on an anti-depressant before we start the counseling, as I'm visibly upset whenever I'm around her, which I'm sure doesn't help matters. I'm seeing my doctor this week, so we should be able to start counseling in the following week or two, after I've been on an A/D for a bit.

Is there any chance for counseling to work when you're living in separate places? It seems to me that you would need to be together in order to work out any differences.

On one hand, I want to go to Plan B, since we're already separated, but that's not realistic, as long as we may be going to counseling. In VA, you can't get divorced until you've been separated for 6 months, and I feel like she's just stringing me on, and at the end of 6 months, she'll just opt for divorce.

We're 27 and 28. Together for 11 years; married for 5. No kids (but 2 dogs, which we share "custody" of)

Any advice out there?

Well, if she is still active in the A, I would say that it is impossible for her to have her head in your marriage at atll.

On the other hand, my FWH and I were separated for 4 months, and we did MC for the last 2 before he came home. His OW had dumped him after I exposed, so he still talked to her and saw her occassionally, but no EN were being met by her - which was to my advantage.

Is MC possible while separated? Yes. Can it help? Yes. If the WS is still involved in the A? I don't think so, IMHO.

Do you know if they are still active in the A? Have you exposed them? Is the OM married? Does his BW know?

You are at the right place for help and guidance. Welcome to MB!

SS

Yes, I believe she's still in the affair. Not sure if it's a PA yet (though I'm pretty sure it is). She admitted to "just" kissing him, but seeing how she had lied consistently up to that point, I'm sure that's a lie, too.

I exposed the A to our friends and family (she doesn't talk to her family much, as they are on my "side") The OM is divorced, with no kids AFAIK; I've met him a couple of times, as they were "just friends" for awhile. I wrote the OM a respectful letter, primarliy just as a way to let him know that I was aware. Don't know what I really expected that to accomplish, but felt I needed to do something.

I agree with you that, as long as the affair is still active, MC won't do much good. But, as long as she's willing to go, I've got to try. I've read Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs. I gave my wife HNHD and asked her to read; After I read that, I felt like a lightbulb lit up in my head, and I am so supremely confident that we can fix our problems, if she would just give us a chance. I'm not holding my breath that she'll actually read it, but we'll see.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by phantom8808:
<strong> She wants me to go on an anti-depressant before we start the counseling, as I'm visibly upset whenever I'm around her, which I'm sure doesn't help matters. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Phantom, I think you should spend some time learning to do a really good Plan A and by all means, go to counseling with her. But first, I must address the above comment because it is a serious problem that is pushing her away.

You are right, it doesn't help matters at all for you to be upset around her. It is a lovebuster. I would really work on that and any other lovebusting behavior like begging, pleading, whining, etc. That kind of behavior won't attract them, but rather REPELS them and makes the OP look more attractive.

Instead, you need to be working on a program of attraction.

Have you read the 180 degree list? Please read this and then read the thread linked at the bottom. I think it could help you immensely:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=014880#000002

Thanks Melody. I had not seen the 180 list, and there are several things on it that I have definitely NOT been doing.

I'm hoping that once I get on an A/D this week, I'll be more able to handle these emotions... I've always been in complete control of my emotions, so this has been a hard adjustment to make (and one that, so far, I've not made all that well)

That thread that you linked to is great. Very encouraging story!

Hang in there, Phantom, I know it's devastating but with the proper touch and a good strategy, this might all work out. The trick is to not give into your emotions.[which is no easy feat!]
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Another question... I've seen several people recommend that you expose the A to the WS's coworkers. I'm not sure about this... what is the purpose? Would I actually expect them to confront her on it? I would expect my WS to be very angry if I did this. I've exposed to everyone else (WS, friends, family, even OM), but can't see the reasoning behind exposing to her coworkers.

Thanks

P8808: I'm a newbie here but I'll give my 2 cents anyway. My W, now WW, and a doctor friend have tried to get me A/Ds for years and I refused. After D-Day #2 I told my doctor friend I was ready to get serious about it and I'm glad I did. Without them I would probably be in the fetal position in my darkest closet now. I plan on taking them forever. Keep in mind most of them take 3 weeks to start working. I still have anxiety spikes daily. If I had started taking them years ago, I might not be here now.
As for exposure, I told everyone that would listen and some that wouldn't. Except for the kids, I wouldn't have told them but WW did. If I had it to do over again, I would do it the same way.
Also, we were seperated about 10 years ago and went to counseling together. It saved our M at the time. WW filed for divorce about 7 years ago, we stayed in the same house and went to counseling. WW had been having an A then but neither the counselor nor I knew. It saved our M again but does it really help if everybody dosen't tell the truth?

<small>[ June 01, 2004, 03:03 PM: Message edited by: deafjeff ]</small>

Update: Saw doctor today, and got lexapro for depression and ambien for sleeping. From what I've been reading in these posts, both are fairly effective.

Also saw my wife (so I could pick up the dogs). The OM showed her my letter to him, and she was NOT happy. Said she was going to start filing the 'official' separation paperwork. Other than that, it was a nice visit; For the first time in a long time, I did not get emotional in front of her, so I guess I'm on the right track. By the time I left, she had cooled down considerably, so I'm hoping I undid the damage from the letter to the OM.

Regardless, I think I'm finally at peace with things. I'm not happy, but as long as I do everything possible until we sign divorce papers, then at least I can look back in 10 or 20 years, and not wonder 'what if...'

She confirmed that she will still try counseling ('because she promised')... I wish the reasoning was more like 'because I want to save our marriage', but if it gets her into counseling, at least it's something.

<small>[ June 01, 2004, 08:00 PM: Message edited by: phantom8808 ]</small>