FE, you asked if marriage counseling has helped anyone in a situation of physical abuse. I am one case in which it has.

My H and I have been married 9 years (10 in November). In our first year together, during an argument, my H grabbed me and shook me and pushed me away. I fell backwards into the closet and hit my wrist pretty hard on a shoe rack. I was OK, though, just heart broken that my H would do such a thing. Then it happened again. We argued, he grabbed me and shook me and pushed me onto the bed. During our second year, it got worse. (Normal progression, from what I understand) Once my H and I were arguing and I said something that set him off and he came after me. I was sitting on the couch and tried to get away, but I fell and he was over me hitting me on my face uncontrollably (open fisted). I'll never forget that look on his face. I only ended up with a big bruise on my arm (I can't remember how I got that). Anyway, I said that we were going to go to counseling, or that was it. We went to counseling and a marriage retreat. To be honest, it has now been seven years and he has not laid a hand on me again. I have never, ever brought it up again. It has been difficult to even mention it here. I do believe that there is hope for the physical violence, but only if he is willing to go to counseling.

Granted, I believe I am still dealing with issues of emotional abuse and now a possible A on his part, so we are not living happily ever after. At least the physical abuse is gone. I do not fear him physically.

Will your H go to marriage counseling? You have until September to try.

I am not sure how much this helps you. Like I said it has helped us in one way, but we still have issues. I just wanted to tell you my story.

svb

I guess, IMO, the first step would be to see if he will take the plea bargain and go to anger management classes - it does sound like he is considering it. That would be a good sign. After that you can go to marriage counseling.

You can base your decision on this.

Keep us posted and good luck.

svb

FE, IMO = in my opinion.

I am glad to hear that he took the plea bargain and has to take the anger management classes. It is the best thing for him. How soon does he start? Is he allowed to drop out - what happens if he does? I sincerely hope that he gets something out of the class this time and learns the error of his ways. It's a start.

He seems that he does not want to go to anger management classes because it is as if he is admitting he is guilty, or wrong. My husband does not EVER admit that he is wrong. He is never wrong - he is always perfect. As long as I have known my husband, he has never said the words "I'm sorry" to me. Even after our "incidents" he never said he was sorry. Even during counseling, he claimed that those incidents were "mutual" - at least he was not COMPLETELY at fault. I believe, though, that deep down in his heart, he knew he was wrong. That is why he improved. I hope it is the same for your husband and that he learns from the class. It is worth a try for now.

Stay positive.

Originally posted by Faithful Elisabeth:
What do you do when you are scheduled for a divorce and your husband has been abusive and won't admit he has an anger problem???!!

OK... straight shooting answer to your question.

I'd divorce him on schedule.

He's still not safe for you to be around while he continues to deny or downplay his abuse culpability.

What marriage can be built upon such dangerous and rockly circumstances?

If your H is truely a changed man in a few years... then you can always remarry him.

But, I would divorce someone who might hit me and then deny he meant anything by it.

Too much risk.

Pep

"He always puts me in these "no win" situations."

This is only a "no win" if you allow your H to make your decisions for you ... by default.

Most of adult life is made up of having to choose between two non-perfect choices.

Either choice comes with a price , one way or another.

This is called the 2-choice dilemma. (by Schnarch, who wrote "Passionate Marriage"... a GREAT book!)

How you choose defines your integrity.

Do you weigh options?
Do you weigh the up-side and down-side from any available option?
Do you bemoan the options will all be non-perfect?
Do you NOT choose and allow the choices to be made by circumstances, thus choosing victimhood?
Do you choose from your anger?
Do you choose using your faith?

It's all about YOU.... this is about YOU YOU YOU....

not about your H.

YOU are the one who decides what you will use to make your choices.

I told you what my choice would be....

But YOU step up.... use your brain, your heart, your faith, your experience, your integrity, your principles and your common sense and YOU make a choice that is right for you!!!!

Pep