How many OPs are people just people looking for love in the wrong places versus predators of some sort taking advantage of WSs in vulnerable situations?

The OM in my situation has a smarmy carsaleman-like personality. Do you think salesmanship is a common trait amongst OPs? I think the OM has really done some sort of sales job on my FWW.

I really can't wait to sit down and talk to her when the fogs lifts. It's too late for our M but I really would like to know what was going on in her head.

I don't know if most are predetory. I believe so. In my case definitely. It is an EA on the internet, that has evolved to daily phone calls. He is so damn smug about it. I had even chatted with him briefly about six months ago when he said how lucky he thought I was to be married to my WS.

Who knows how many other women he is working, trying to get them to visit him for sex.

Oh boy Cello, you should talk to my H about this.

In his opinion the OM was totally, totally predatory and his motives were completely selfish.

By the way, you're the same age as my daughter - scary thought - doesn't matter what age you are this stuff can happen to you.

Jenny

<small>[ May 31, 2004, 09:52 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

Salesmanship, no, but they all know how to talk to our wives if not their own.

cwmac

The OP in my situation knew there were problems in my M before I left my H. He told me at one point she said if anything ever happened to us, she'd like to go out with him. (He said this trying to convince me of her innocence before I left him...as if it was ok for her to be with him once I left, but that she was some saint who wouldn't mess with a MM before I left. Tell me, since when does a separation mean either spouse is available?) In my opinion she was predatory. She knew there were problems, she said things to make him feel wanted. Even after I left him, I told her that I wanted my 13 year M to work and asked her nicely to back off. She refused. And of course, WS was deep in a fog and didn't want her to leave. I guess the newness of that relationship and the good feelings he was getting were better than facing the hurt and heartache that had been there before I left, and that were reinforced when I left him. At any rate, the bottom line is she knew he was a MM when she started seeing him, and she knew that I, his W, wanted reconciliation, and she chose to continue the affair. To me, that is predatory.

She was leaving her H and needed financial help. She looked around the place she worked and chose the only man who made any money there. Predator!

I showed her a card he had given me and I asked her to read a letter he had given me not long before that (things that proved he was lying to her) she said "that's personal stuff, I don't feel right reading it" what she really meant was "I can't pretend I am doing this for anything other that selfish reasons if I read that letter, so I'm not going to" Tell me how reading a letter is too personal, but tearing my marriage down wasn't?

1fm,

Never ever, trust anyone that says you are lucky to have your wife, etc. Any man that ever said that to my FWS was definately on the make, wanted to have what FWS had, if you get my drift. Not that it ever happened, but let that be a huge red flag to ALL you MBer's.

To answer the thread:

Nevertheless, the ow in our situation was definately a predator. I don't know what lala land she was in, but we were doing better financially than we ever had, which is big, because H is a musician, and I am a waitress, things were good for the FIRST time. Also op was impressed with the big names. FWS had just done a gig with Arturo Sandival. Best trumpet player in the world. I guess that was big for her. However, having been a musician for a long time, I saw it for what it was; a $400.00 gig that was great for what it was, but not always going on.

So off she went in pursuit of my H, was VERY aggresive, very cruel towards me, whom she did NOT know, add to that mix that we were having mucho problemas because of H porn and swingers mags, poor FWS, not having much SF because I was TERRIFIED to have SF with someone who was underlining people in areas he was gigging at, and believe me it was scarey. I am sure you know the drill.

So, as time went on, and ow saw there was no money to be spent on the a, plus I was lucky enough to see what the problems were and great plan A, (thank you God, I did not have MB, but He showed me the way, and what I needed to do), we have been in recovery, which by the way is still a work in progress after 4 years, due to the nature of the inyourface devastation of a.

ow has since married someone with money and time to promote her sorry musical situation. Believe me, I have heard her sing, and there ain't nothing there in that heart. Sorry if I sound bitter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Anyway, just my vho.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ May 31, 2004, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

My counselor feels that in our case that the OW was a pretator. OW slept with H within hours of talking to him for the first time, all she knew was that she wanted him.

My counselor says that some of these pretators smell "hurt" like sharks smell blood. They offer flowery compliments and tell the "prey" that they are the best, best looking, best lay, best person they have ever met. It is like a band-aid, she covered the wound temporarily but she was not the ointment needed to heal him, only I was capable of that.

The other thing that these pretators do is to project things that they say onto the "prey". OW told me my H told her she was a "beautiful" person. "Beautiful" is not a word he uses in his vocabulary. Almost everything she told me was so opposite to his nature and the things he did and said in the 20 years I had known him. The counselor says that "these are things that she does and says" not him, she is just projecting them on to him. It is part of the game she is played with him, me and herself. She wanted him and wanted to feel special to him, telling me all the stuff she told me was an effort to get me to get rid of H. She knew that he did not have feelings for her and would never choose her over me, so she could only try to get me to get rid of him.

Luckily for my husband, I didn't fall for her deception and he was saved from a miserable life. She ended up being not only a liar but an alcoholic, who has not worked in years and just lives off of child support and government handouts and whatever else she can get her hands n. My husband would have hated every moment with her and it would have destroyed him to see what he had given up.

Ok...so how many of you are still married to WSs who were predators?

I suppose some of my behavior would've been considered "predatory". I saw things in the OW I liked and convinced myself that it was ok to take them. Is that predatory? Interestingly, the OW did the same.

I really think we were just two very dysfunctional people who happened to see relief in each other, so we took it. Very similar motives. It does no good for me to label the OW as "predator", because I know I behaved in similar ways. I've gone a long way towards healing and I hope she has as well.

I have noticed a trend here that many female WSs find it helpful to view their XOM as a bad guy. If that works for you, fine. But don't let it be an excuse that keeps you from figuring out why you willingly got involved with them. There's still some things there that need to be repaired to elimnate the vulnerability.

Low

My H would give the OM a Sales job in a heart beat. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He feels he took advantage of me and absolutely had motives the entire time.

I understand that, but when you are being so schmoozed at the time you follow the light, like a dumb moth.

KY

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

posted May 31, 2004 08:44 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many OPs are people just people looking for love in the wrong places versus predators of some sort taking advantage of WSs in vulnerable situations?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmmmm....this is an interesting question. I don't spend much time thinking of OW until a question like this is posed:

I know my H is strong. I know my H was faithful for 23 yrs. does that make the OW a predator? No. Not in my opinion. It makes MY H look innocent if I call her a predator (too me)

Is she looking for for love in all the WRONG places??? well....in the case of my H OF COURSE! Where is he? home with me... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think the OW was neither. I think more than anything OW is a pretty sad person... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

When I evalute I look at her like this:
Single mom.
NEVER been M with 2 children from 2 diff. men.
Hmmmmmmmmmm......predator? odviously not! she hasn't been able to "catch" ANYONE. So if she were a predator? she's not a very good one.

Did she think may be she saw something good and tried to get it? sure. But no predator. My H had equal power in the situation. I give HER NO CREDIT and my H gets it ALL~!

He was the one with me......she had no knowledge of the person I am at all.

Anyhow......I don't really like evaluating her part in the A. It is irrelevant because she is NOT a part of our lives anymore. She had 5 weeks and that's all she got!

Blessings,
Atruheart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LowOrbit:
<strong> Ok...so how many of you are still married to WSs who were predators?

I have noticed a trend here that many female WSs find it helpful to view their XOM as a bad guy. If that works for you, fine. But don't let it be an excuse that keeps you from figuring out why you willingly got involved with them. There's still some things there that need to be repaired to elimnate the vulnerability.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LowOrbit, this is so true… As a FWW I use to have the same dysfunctional and ‘victim’ thinking pattern towards XOM for a very long time, but I have come to realize that OM wasn't just this terrible and bad person, but just another human being, like me, who have made a very big mistake.

LowOrbit, I like your question above… Very good question… I mean, if most OPs are viewed as “predators” then it means that most WSs are also “predators” because both OPs and WSs have the same motives when getting involve in an A in the first place. So, IMO, most OPs (and WSs) is normal "misguided" human beings who have tried to get their needs met in the wrong places.

<small>[ June 01, 2004, 08:07 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

should have included WSs in the topic title, can you edit that?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LowOrbit, I like your question above… Very good question… I mean, if most OPs are viewed as “predators” then it means that most WSs are also “predators” because both OPs and WSs have the same motives when getting involve in an A in the first place.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With all due respect.....What do you mean by ALL have the same motives??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

That's a giant assumption unless you know everyone who has an affair......? Help me out here what is it exactly that you mean? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Thanks.
Atruheart

Well I would say every case is different. In my case the OM was clearly predatorial. He had 12 prior affairs 10 of them with women with some form of problem...8 having sexual problems, one mental and one drinking. So he targeted a specific type of woman.

I'm not sure we're all using the same definition of what a relationship predator is here.

I was thinking of the person who, percieving vulnerablity, use that knowledge to their own benefit rather than giving aid. A predator spotting and going for the easy prey.

Where that line might become blurry would be a case where an OP or WS seeing someone in a vulnerable situation in their M, attempts to come to their aid, but instead ends up developing an inappropriate relationship.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by atruheart:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LowOrbit, I like your question above… Very good question… I mean, if most OPs are viewed as “predators” then it means that most WSs are also “predators” because both OPs and WSs have the same motives when getting involve in an A in the first place.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With all due respect.....What do you mean by ALL have the same motives??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

That's a giant assumption unless you know everyone who has an affair......? Help me out here what is it exactly that you mean? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Thanks.
Atruheart </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I mean that most people get involved in an A to get certain Emotional Needs met (whether those needs are conscious or unconscious when getting involve with another person in the first place).

I would have to say in my case OW was a predator...WS met her in a bar in the middle of afternoon crying in a glass of beer because she had just placed one of her children in a group home...he felt sorry for her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and asked her if there was anything he could do to help...WS is a compassionate man..this OW had already broken up two marriages and knew the drill...she was a sitting target for sympathy..funny thing WS does not get was that the two OM that she broke up marriages with did not stay with her...hmmm wonder why... am I excusing WS in his responsibility in this A..not on your life...but I firmly believe there are predators out there and in my case WS's OW is a prime example

<small>[ June 01, 2004, 08:26 AM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

My FWS was a predator. Went out of his way to portray himself as single and live that lifestyle. The poor girls didn't have a chance.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by atrueheart:
<strong>It makes MY H look innocent if I call her a predator (too me)</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Atrueheart, I agree with your way of thinking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> This is also why, in my situation, I can’t call XOM a predator, because then it makes me look innocent and then it allows me not to really take full responsibility for my own wrong actions and reasons why I became involved.

<small>[ June 01, 2004, 08:34 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>