Not sure where to post this as it is more about personal understanding of myself and not satisfying a MB "need".

I was having a heart to heart with WS and we both were mentioning things from our previous marriages and attempting to work out some stuff between ourselves. And something hit me as I was saying it about myself.

I could use some feedback. I commented that my ex husband who I divorced because of having an affair told me years later after the divorce that he enjoyed being "needed" (that being his primary reason for the affair). Now mind you it wasn't fog talk cause we had been divorced for years.
And my now WS says that sounds familiar. Something clicked with me since the common thread to this is me.

I am an independent type of individual. My mother passed away when I was ten. I was cooking and cleaning at a very young age. My father was a great dad but he did promote self sufficiency.
I left home at 18 and have worked hard and accomplished much on my own.
I am very independent minded. Now my present WH used to love this about me when we got together as he would say it relieved him of having to fix a tire or change out a breaker. That I knew how to do what is generally "mans work".
And I for many years worked in a male dominated field, so I have much mechanical knowledge. I can communicate with a guy on a different level then what the normal female could do.

Okay, so here is my delema. Is it possible that I am pushing away my spouses because I "appear" to not "need" them?
I'm not saying I caused the affair, but on the MB need list would that possibly be that I did not fullfill my husbands "admiration" need from my independent nature?

And if this is possible, how am I to fix this?

I could be off track, but I know that both of my marriages have had affairs. I know that both my husbands have expressed their desire to be needed.

Mabye you are correct that my independence is not a liablity. I suppose that would be great as I'm having a hard time imagining myself pretending that I need to have my husband fix something when I know how to do it. And if anything most of the time I took pleasure in doing it also as it relieved him of excess work. So yeah, maybe I'm off track.
I'm trying to figure out why BOTH of my husbands needed to feel needed.

But on a positive note. My WH is considering moving out from OW's house and into his parents. And he is leaning toward going to couseling this coming week with me.
I'm scared. I want this marriage to work so bad and almost feel like I'm the one in a fog as I cannot determine which way to go to fix things.

Hi, wf

I am a man that needs to feel needed. I like to express my love through acts of service, then be admired for my ability to do them.

I think, in some way, this contributed to the severe depression I went into prior to my affair. I had been involved in a long term work project that forced my family to become very independent. When the project ended, I found myself feeling like I was a "fifth wheel" and unneeded.

Since you are a very independent person, have you thought about what it might feel like if no one really needed you? How would that make you feel?

Think hard about ways that you NEED your H and express those to him. It doesn't always have to be about acts of service.

Low

I think it's all a vicious circle. You said you felt it relieved WH of having to do things because you had the ability to get on and fix things. Well I say 'good for you'. He should be delighted you were so capable. We are not fifties' housewives. We are women who have been brought up to believe in ourselves and our abilities. Still, you might need him to fix a few things in the bedroom. Maybe he should become Doctor Whitefeather and fix his nurse! Seriously, by becoming increasingly independent, I know my WH felt I didn't need him. I thought I was doing him a favour. He works hard, has health problems so I felt I was doing right. It comes down to communication. I did these things for him/us/kids but I never told him, "I'll do this, you've been working hard, have a rest". Maybe if we'd talked more ... but the guys just not a talker. Not to me, not to anyone. So yes, I should have communicated better but then he should have got talking to me and told me how he was feeling instead of the non-english speaking OW!! Incidentally Whitefeather, your tone was different. It's scary when they come back and I think you're preparing yourself for it. If he does, I wish you the very, very best of luck. These WS's are so lucky that we all found MB! It reminds me again and again how important my M is, why I'm trying to save it etc.

I'm trying to do some IC on my own via books. McGraw has an interesting book out that talks about saving your marriage but it is basically a book about working on it via individually.
You establish your needs and then establish your mates needs and then attempt to address them.

So yeah Tummytuck I probably do have different tone for this post . . . but I'm hanging in there for the bigger picture.
I'm at a point that I need to look deep into myself. What I "need" and what WS "needs" and to make the changes for at least into what I need. But I'm trying to understand the needs of my WH that is not sharing them. He said I can't do things that will "MAKE" him want to be with me.
And of course, I don't want to MAKE him, I just want to have him know I am willing to address his needs. His wanting me to be the one to address those needs is up to him.

The longer he is gone, the tougher skinned I feel myself getting. I guess in some ways I'm preparing for the worst. Meanwhile I am individually feeling good, continue to loose weight and excercise and am enjoying the compliments of my new body.

But on the other hand, our last heart to heart conversation he said he is seriously considering moving in with his mom and he is considering going to our MC appt this coming week.
So? we'll see. I know his going to the MC or not going to meeting will be a major point with me.
And I do plan to go with or without him.

I could use some IC I'm sure.

Yeah Nurse whitefeather needs some medical attention herself, ha,ha.