I copied this letter from here and modified a little bit. Please give your opinion. Everything counts. Meanwhile, I have few questions that how this should start:

1. Do I ask him to move out? How? he mentioned several times that we were seperated already, but I don't understand why he was still here.

2. What should be the appropriate children visitation? I will be off by the end of June till end of Aug., while the kids are having their summer off. I guess I will keep the kids home everyday, he can only see them Saturday. But would that be unfair?

3. What else do I need to discuss with him before he moves out?


Dearest WH,

It is with the greatest pain and tearful eyes that I sit here and write this letter to you. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life! It is truly sad what has happened to our marriage and us. The path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation. Please let me explain.

I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I have made many mistakes in the past that cannot be changed. What I have been able to do is recognize those mistakes in judgment and have learned from them so that I can take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I neglected your needs of sexual fulfillment, failed to give you the praise that you deserved, and judged you disrespectfully. I was selfishly caught up in myself, and with my selfishness and foolishness I helped create a void in our marriage. I failed to recognize the needs that you so badly needed. I ignored your feeling for a long time.

I was too focused on taking care of the kids and not focused enough on taking care of our marriage. I have made it clear to everyone that my time with my family, especially for my wonderful husband, is and will be my number one priority. You will always come first. I want to learn even more about how to be a supportive and loving wife. The type of woman that I hope you would be proud of to call your wife. The same pride I felt so many times when I called you my husband. I want us to build a life together that is built on meeting each others emotional needs and to avoid the things that got us to the place we now find ourselves. I love you, more than you will ever know. I know I have hurt you in the past and I never want to make you feel that way again.

When we married, it was my desire to be with you for the rest of our lives. I love you and always will. It has now come to the point that you are unhappy. As a wife who loves you, I cannot keep you here against your will. The children love and need you. I am confident that we can work out a schedule for them to spend time with you.

To preserve my love for you, please have no contact with me unless you feel you can truly commit to the marriage. Please have any of our communication through our friends D and A, their numbers are: 313-xxx-xxx, their e-mail:
In case of emergency, you can call my cell phone or e-mail me.

I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are willing to commit to our marriage. Meantime, I will continue to keep my faith that I will someday see my Husband again and watch him walk through the doors of the home that was once filled with so much love and laughter. I love you so much and I want nothing more than to rebuild our marriage. I know we CAN have a great marriage and life together!

I will always love you!

Your Loving Wife,

looks good to me but what do i know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

the only thing i would change is the part where you talk about that he has now come to a point where he is unhappy. i believe this to be true but i think he came to the point a long time ago.

do the kids have a schedule this summer? like going to any types of camps? or seeing and visiting w/relatives? what is your H's schedule?

otheres will come to give advice, prayers to you, RR

lostnhurt - I would try to make it a little shorter. As far as the kids, I would make out a visitation schedule.

Tell your WH that it is too stressful on you and the family for him to come and go as he pleases. I would tell him that he is right, you do need to be separated.

More folks will come along with better advice.

Have you read the PLan B letter in "Surviving An Affair"?

1. Do I ask him to move out?
Yes. You need to also be prepared to move out if he will not. This is all planned BEFORE you go to Plan B.

How?
“Please have your things ready to move out by 12 PM tomorrow.”

2. What should be the appropriate children visitation?
As often as you can reasonably manage it.
This is NOT a “trial” divorce or separation. There should be no obstacles for visiting the kids.

he can only see them Saturday. But would that be unfair?
Very much so. Why can he “only” see the kids on Saturday?.

3. What else do I need to discuss with him before he moves out?
You ned to discuss NOTHING with him before he moves out. YOU make arrangements for EVERYTHING for you that needs to be done prior to him moving out.


The letter NEEDS to address the affair.

It has now come to the point that you are unhappy.
Don’t tell him what he is. Drop this.

To preserve my love for you, please have no contact with me
This needs work. “No contact” goes both ways, not simply him not contacting you. Also, why is "no contact" going to preserve the love (why is it going away)? You need to explain the affair is hurting you.

Something like, “Your continued affair with ms. xxx hurts me very deeply. When I see you or talk with you, knowing you are with her removes some of the love from me. In order to preserve the love I do have for you, I must insist that we have no contact with each other.”

unless you feel you can truly commit to the marriage.
This should not be a pre-requisite. It should be, “when you end your affair, then we can discuss our future”.

In case of emergency, you can call my cell phone or e-mail me.
Leave this out. He knows your number and will call it if he needs to (and probably when he doesn’t need to and you will not answer).

I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are willing to commit to our marriage.
Again, change it to, “when you end your affair.

Make sure you do two letters. One to him and one to ms. xxx with the additional paragraph.
“ms. xxx,
I love my husband very much and remain committed to him and our marriage. I want us to stay married and have it better than ever. I know this is something we can accomplish. I will wait for my husband to give me that chance.”

Chris, thank you for your detail responds.

1. The resaon I wrote until you commit to our marriage is that I don't know whether the affair is still going on. He said that it is over, I don't have any evidence about it. OW's H said that OW stays home pretty much now.

2. When he said that the affair was over, he also told me that our M was over. He wanted to move out, but he is still here. SO I said that I will let go.

3. The problem I am having now is that he is coming and going, not telling me where and when he was. No comimitment to the M. It hurts me a lot.

4. I mean he can only see the kids Sat, it is not fair for me. He waorks 5 days a week, for these couple months, I will stay home. Probably I can aske him to se them some weekday evenings. But where do I go?

I feel so down and sad about this, is this the only way?

the only way is the Lord's way and he will show you.......

more people will reply just give them time. i gotta go for the day but will "talk" to you tomorrow, God Bless, RR

Hi Lost! I am so sorry you are having to do this. It is more painful though haveing to watch your WH do what he is doing. The comings and goings, etc...I think what Chris has said about the letter is good.

Re the kids...Let your H see them whenever he wants. He needs to make the arrangements to see them out of the house. Not at the house. He can take them back to his new place WITHOUT OW THERE! Or he can take them out to dinner a few nights a week. He should be able to keep them the entire weekend as well. Every other weekend is what we usually do in Plan B. He will give you an excuse of "I dont have any place to take them" but he has to have a place to live. That is NOT YOUR PROBLEM...Yes, these are your kids, but leave it in his hands to make sure they are well taken care of in HIS Care.

You do not need to go anywhere, because the visitation should not be done at your house. It should be done at your WH house or at a resturaunt. Let him go 100%. Not half way. Do not worry about what he is doing anymore. It is a huge relief.

Mom, how is your recovery with Dad? I hope everything goes well. Here is going to be a roughroad. Sometimes I feel so hopeless. Please keep encourage me to hang in here.

lostnhurt...recovery is going well...but it is a constant struggle on my part. Right now I am obssessing too much about the A...I am trying to refocus.

Plan B is not as hard as you think. Once you go into it will be a huge relief off of you. I will not lie to you, it was hard, but I cant talk much cuz mine only lasted 10 days. I was much more at ease though for those ten days than when he was here and wondering.

it is very important that you use an intermediary for everything. i even used =mine for financial issues. Had her send him an email to let him know the account was low. It realy does get the WH thinking about what he is diong and what he is giving up. hang in there Lost...you can do this.

Re: PBL. My own thoughts its much too apologetic, and detailed about what you did wrong, and what you would do right in the future. This is supposed to be a wake-up call. You can negotiate the rest of that stuff when he gets his head out of his rear.

Nothing that you did justified the affair. I agree with Chris the A has to be addressed -- whether or not it is ongoing. Acknowledging your part in creating the climate for the affair is appropriate, bending over backwards to blame yourself does not, unless you were an absolute world-class jerk. (Most people aren't -- or maybe everyone is...)

My own attitude to mine was also that it would be my last love letter. But then, WH sucks up attention like a sponge, and nothing else much was likely to get through his inflated head. WH filed anyway -- but I can look back on the letter and know it was my best shot.

Make this one yours. Be strong, not wimpy.

Ok, I will have a 2nd version tomorrow. Thanks for all your input.

LNH,

I can't offer Plan B letter advice, but have been keeping up with all the good advice you are getting. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

LL

Ok, I copied this letter from Fe-hope, hope you don't mind. My only question is that I don't know whether his affair is still going on, shuold I still say when you end your affai with OW? Or how do I change it? Please help.

Dear WH,

I could never have imagined being where we are right now, your heart is away from the family and you involved in a relationship with another woman. I am heart broken and sad beyond belief, especially knowing that I helped create an environment in which you choose to have an affair rather than work together on our marriage. I am truly sorry for neglecting all that you needed to make our marriage flourish. I truly believe that we have what it takes to make an incredible life together filled with love, affection, and joy.

The past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and emptiness that I experience on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only saving grace is the thought of us being together and happy again some day. Unfortunately, I find now that is slowly being shattered as well. Before I lose that thought completely I must take some drastic steps.

Your act of disappearance without any consideration of our family hurts me very deeply. When I see you or talk with you, knowing you will be gone in some unexpected time with whoever inflicts too much pain for me. To preserve the love I have for you, I must insist that we have no contact with each other. Our friend D and A has agreed to act as an intermediary. Any and all communication with me needs to go through them by phone 313-xxx-xxx, or e-mail. Please do not call me, email me, or come to the house.

I am not trying to keep the kids from you. Right now I ask you to take them every Tuesday and Thursday evenings and Saturday whole day. We can make arrangements through D and A for any additional time you want to see them. They love their daddy and need to see you as often as possible. I only ask that DD and DS NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT with any woman in your relationship. They are still very young and impressionable. Let’s continue to protect them.

I am not doing this to punish you, only to protect the love that I have for you. When you end your affair with OW, then we can discuss our future together and work on our marriage. But, I will need to know that you are committed to our marriage and that no OW is in your life.

With all my love,

looks good to me but again what do i know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> maybe the only thing i would change would be to change the word "drastic" to "needed."

you'll get more replies. i would give it a few more days to get replies and then once you have a final draft i would schedule one more session w/SH to let him know the new plan and the letter and that he can give you any last words of advice. i guess the reason why i would still like you to have some involvement of SH is that when/if the day comes that your H does want reconciliation, you both will need MC and Sh would be the best to work w/you (JMHO) especially given the fact he has worked w/you both before.

does that make sense?

just go off the phone w/my H, interesting converstation. i say "interesting" because i don't know whether to call them good or bad. you're right about the real estate thing, i will let him figure it out himself. take care of you and God Bless, RR

Yes, mention the affair.

I am truly sorry for neglecting all that you needed to make our marriage flourish
Such as what? Give an example of what you did or did not do.

Your act of disappearance without any consideration of our family hurts me very deeply.
But the affair doesn’t/didn’t hurt you?

When you end your affair with OW , then we can discuss our future together and work on our marriage. But, I will need to know that you are committed to our marriage and that no OW is in your life.
Which is it? He needs to end the affair or he needs to end the affair and show he is committed to the marriage?
How will he show he is committed to the marriage?
Chances are he will NOT be committed to much of anything when the affair ends.
Don’t make this a prerequisite for simply discussing the future.

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 11:46 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

[QUOTE]
Your act of disappearance without any consideration of our family hurts me very deeply.
But the affair doesn’t/didn’t hurt you?[quote]

That is what is happening now and it hurts. I don't know whether the A ended or not, but I know he does not want to commit to the M. How do I write this letter? Should I go for Plan B? My understanding is that we can talk once the A ends and Plan B will end too. I am very confused now.

Hi LH,

I know it's hard to start the Plan B--I just dropped off the letter at WS apartment (taped it to the door). I'm not sure he even knows that I know where he lives--oh, well. I figure in a couple of days I'll start to feel better.

Take advice from the "oldtimers" about the letter (I also just cut and pasted it from others). From what I have read, it is best to keep it very short and straightforward since S (especially those WS) have the attention span of a child!!

Good Luck.

Thanks, hopeful. My problem is not know how to write this letter. He claimed that his A ended and our M also ended. How do I ask him to talk to me when the A is over, but now it is actually over? Does it mean he can talk to me now? He is still living at home. I am really confused.

This one is much better. Much less cringing and apologetic. Also, I think phrases like "gone in some unexpected time with whoever" (actually, should be WHOMEVER) handle the ambiguous status of the A rather well, yet make it clear that an A caused the problems.

Please comment about the condition for talking. How should I address it? SHould I say: When you are willing return to your family, we can discuss out future together and rebuild our marriage.