Has anyone had success without exposure of the A? I believe it can not be done without it. Seems like the recovery will get so far without exposure then it is back to day 1 for recovery due to setbacks (without that exposure of the infidelity).

Hi Cardinal,

My H's A was only exposed to very few.... My best friend, My mother, His sister, His best friend and wife.

What it did in our recovery was make it so that we had others who were there to support us in our recovery.

In my particular case there was no OWH.....so expose in that direction was nill.

It helped me the BS most (exposure) because it gave me people to talk to.
It helped H in that he came out of the fog.....quickly. (actually I never saw much of it after D/D) because he had people he loved and cared for looking at him in a light they had never seen before and he did not like it....made him see what he had done for what it was!
Major Life Mistake.

Blessings,
Atruheart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yep. I didn't do the exposure thing, for various reasons. The main reason I didn't say anything to anyone in my family is because H had the A about 3 months after my dad died. No way was I going to put any undue stress on my mom. There were other (selfish) reasons also.

D-day was 18 months ago. I think our recovery went very well.

C
My A was not exposed on my end, only on OM end. However we attended the same church, and it was exposed there.

My H made the decision to keep it to ourselves, he feels it is essential in our recovery because OP will not understand the dynamics of an A, they will only see I cheated and he should leave.

It is tough, that is why I need MB. I need a vent. I still feel quite a bit of deception where my fam and friends are concerned. They are all pretty clueless.

We have made many changes that are questionable, but everybody is just giving us respect and not asking.

My H needed silence for his recovery. He wants it GONE!!!! It is working for us.
KY-4

cardinal,

Of course success is possible without exposure. Exposure is only necessary in "entrenched" affairs. Many many people have a d-day and the WS is immediately willing to end the affair and recommit to the marriage. Those are the lucky ones. In those cases....exposure is unecessary and unwarranted. It's a tool that should only be used if after discovery, the WS is unable to break the addiction of the affair. Even in "entrenched" affairs....some spouses are just not comforable with exposure and occasionally the A will just run it's course anyway....however, long affairs tend to cause alot of damage and I don't recommend just waiting. My H had an ONS....exposure was never in the picture and no one knows about it but my closest friend who helped me through the toughest times.

Cardinal,
I just posted on Marie Elena my experience. I chose not to expose to anyone. It does not mean I would not have and it was not the easy road. In fact, it was extremely difficult b/c I had no one to talk to. The only person I would have told was my FIL, but he was passed away. But I could have trusted him to keep it between us and he would have gone to my W and helped me reach her. She even made the comment recently how dissapointed he would be in her because of the A.

In the last 9 months, we have grown alot as a married couple. I have grown alot as a man and a Christian. I have never been closer to God and have learned about the power of unconditional love. I followed the biblical example on how to restore a sinning Christian. I never had to go to step 2, but I would have. Also, I struggled with why I would have exposed it. I had some revenge motives and I really wanted to have the right frame of mind. The only reason to expose, and this is biblical, is to stop contact. It is not to put the person in their place or to bring the judgement of others. That is God's providence. That is how forgiveness and restoration works.

Also, in my situation, I was able to monitor if contact was taking place by phone records. I saw occasional (less than once a month) contact and the last known contact was early March when I beleive she told him NC. There was no NC letter, but that could still happen if he tries to contact her. I still have a few trump cards left. I have read other accounts of this path (see Boppo57) working and I believe that there is no specific perscription to stop contact. It ends when the WS ends it. Affairs are like fingerprints, they are all affairs, but there are no two alike.

I repeat this is not the easy way. It is the hard way and you have to be committed to saving your M 100%. Like anyone else, my resolve waivered from time to time, but in the end I stuck to my plan. It has worked and we are in recovery. In fact I told her from day one that I would win and that she would love me again. Of course she did not believe it, but that is changed. As a result I know and understand her better than ever. I faced stiff rejection for the 6 months before and after dday, but unconditional love won out.

Christ's Love,
Romam121

i guess my question would be, maybe because of my situation but what about exposure down the road? my family knows (mom, dad, sister, 2 aunts) his family knows (mom, dad, 4 sisters and their husbands, and 2 brothers), the OW family knows (parents). that has done nothing to stop my H, in fact, his family is basically supportive of him because he is finally happy, and even though the OW is 20 years old and still lives at home, her parents are doing anything to stop it.

my questions are more about exposure down the road for the rest of the OW's family, her work, etc. i have maintained that i am taking the high road and that anything i did would be seen as vindictive or vengeful. SH said that any exposure cannot come from me in my situation. if he is the expert then how can i dispute that? so i guess even though i haven't had recovery or be able to comment on success, given the replies that have been posted, i'm curious about my questions.

anyway, not really expecting answers. one of my mindset now is that i can out last the OW, can she really put up w/the situation (my H being married) for a year from now. I doubt it and so does SH. prayers to all of you.

Thank you all! The feeling that things won't work out unless there is exposure most likely does have everything to do with how entrenched the A was/is. If a WS is proving that they are doing NC, and have opened their heart and their "books" to the BS, then there would be no reason to expose to everyone.

I am glad to hear that there are many who did not have to get to that point of exposing to everyone you knew. Thankyou for your good stories.

In my situation, there was an NC letter, eventually, but H also "exposed" it to his boss. Others in the company had been gossiping about his situation, but since NC, there is nothing for them to talk about any further. And OW has nothing to hold onto from him any further. She tried to contact him and "bump" into him, but he ignored her and literally walked on by. Not sure she won't continue to try in the future, but I have increasing faith in my H and my marriage all of the time.

I didn't expose, for a few reasons.

Number one, I hadn't yet found MB so I didn't realize the value of bringing it all to light and putting pressure on the A from "the other side". It makes perfect sense but in a state of distress I didn't trust my judgement as to whether it was a good idea or not.

Number two, my H told me that if I did that he'd walk. He doesn't make idle threats and in retrospect I think he *would* have walked. He'd have rushed to her side, to "protect" her from my wrath and meanness <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Number three, I thought my H was being honest about the state of the A. He confessed less than 3 weeks into it, he told me they emailed, IMd, talked on the phone. He minimized it but he *was* talking to me about it. I figured that the communication was more important than exposure.

We kind of messed up recovery (for me) the first time but it didn't have anything to do with not having exposed the A. My H wanted to forget it all and I allowed that. In the end it became the elephant under the rug, and I couldn't live with it. This time I'm pushing for more communication and exploration, and it looks like it's a good recovery (as long as I keep us plugging away).

yes, i have it in good mind that if i did anymore exposure (the only exposure i did was to the OW's parents, even though they already knew <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ) that my H would also run to the OW's side and whatever i did would just be fodder to the OW and her family, along w/my IL's and they would all say "see you need to D her asap."

also, if i'm saying that i've changed and i have to follow my words w/my actions then i don't think further exposure fits into that equation. if OW was married and/or we had kids, i think it would be a different story. it's a fine line but God can help us walk it.

<small>[ June 01, 2004, 03:50 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

Seems like exposure to the key people which will cause the A to be de-natured, would be the most advantageous, to promote the marriage.

I see that when we are not yet ready to expose to the "key" people, that there is not much of marriage building going on yet. When the couple becomes able to expose this A, then they may move forward on more solid ground.

I think that exposure is necessary. But, I do think that it is taking time to get to this point in the marriage/understanding what is going on /what went on with that A, and what is the course and plan of actions to follow up.

I think that when exposure does not help the marriage to come together that there are problems seeping in various areas of that marriage. We need to want to hold it together (as a married pair) before anything will improve.

Like many others said, it depends completely on the individual situation. In my case, my H ended his affair the day I found out. [I threw him out] I did tell my family because I needed their support. I didn't tell his family, because there would have been no purpose.

The thing I regret the most, though, was not telling the OWH. I didn't do for a couple of reasons, but that is the one thing I would have done differently. I don't know his name or how to get ahold of him, but I should have found out and told him. They are since divorced, I hear.

Every case is different and every case has a different cast of people to consider.

P.S. I do believe that the spouses of the OP should always be told regardless of the state of the affair, just so they can protect themselves.

In my opinion, the answer for whether or how much to expose an affair is obvious when one considers the sole purpose of exposure: influence the affairees to end the affair.

This is a no brainer.

It gets murky only when one allows ulterior motives, i.e., revenge or retribution, to enter the mix.

When the intent is pure, the path is clear.

The most excellent thing (I find) about the exposure to key people is that it stops that certain, romantic mystery- the secretness is an energy that continues the momentum of that adrenaline feeling. When the secret hits the light of day, and the thing can then be seen for what it truly is. A mistake.

Those that want to continue such an A after all of that exposure are on the more blurry side of potentials. At least the BS can make a better decision for her/himself at this point in time.

Truth is not glamorized in the novels and the lovestories, is it? The sensationalism is so false, and those who try to behave as if their A was the better "choice" are probably going to have a couple more problems in living an honest life, and finding real love!

I was hoping this topic comes up again.Yesterday i took had an outstation business trip and met up with a friend who is working in the same company as WH in their company branch office.

My friend told me EVERYONE in the office knows that WH is having an affair with co worker. They support me but no one dare to do anything because WH is right hand man to the boss. My friend said everyone is talking behind their back.

i am planning to send annoymous letter to OW pretending that it is coming from inside the office. I want to tell OW that everyone in the office knows about their affair, WH is making use of her and that her reputation is at stake.

I believe WH is manipulating OW in some ways to ignore all the gossip about them. I think WH tells her that there is no proof so there is no need to worry about it. I think OW being only 21 years old believe WH story completely.

So what do you guys think?

I hope this annoymous letter might make OW feel so ashamed and leave the office. I cannot believe anyone would continue to work in an office knowing EVERYONE knows the truth about them.

I am going to leave this message until tomorrow then i am going to delete it coz i have told WH about this site though i doubt WH has visited since.

I don't think an anonymous letter is a good idea.

Why be sneaky and secretive? That's what WSs do.

Instead, perhaps you should send a signed letter to the boss.

See the post, On exposing a workplace affair to the employer. I'll bump it up for you.

WAT

Thanks wat... i knew you will reply to my post.

If the whole office knows...i cannot believe that the Boss doesnt know. So good will that do. In fact this is not the first affair in the office to happen. I have heard that another employee also had one and this is a fact that Everyone knows. The wife of that worker shared her experience with me. She told me do not hope anyone from that office to help including the boss. However that wife never tried telling the boss so it is not really proven that he wont do anything...so i dont know...

<small>[ June 04, 2004, 08:10 AM: Message edited by: zizzycool ]</small>

Sad, isn't it?

Maybe others will weigh in on the anonymous letter to OW and have good arguments for sending it. It just doesn't feel right to me.

Sending a signed letter to OW will likely not only NOT work, but she'll take it directly to your H and they'll use it to vilify you as a desperate loser, willing to stoop to any level to serve your own selfishness. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

WAT

Thanks for bumping that thread...i have read it. Whether the boss helps or not...I guess i have nothing to lose by writing that letter...it might end the affair. But i dont want WH to lose his job.

What should i say in that letter if i decide to write one?