Allow me to give this a run. From a slightly different tact.

Let me begin by saying that there has been no advice given to you that I don't agree with.....100%.

This is all about choices.

You will find support here if you make good choices. You know what good choices are. You choose not to make them. I have never done drugs, I have never cheated on anyone. I say this not to be self-righteous, but to show that not everyone makes these "mistakes." There is a great difference between a mistake and a poor choice.

So let's address a few statements. I will touch base on just a few, as the majority have been addressed ad nauseum.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> OH, SO IF YOUR WIFE CHEATED ON YOU ONCE EVERY SINGLE MONTH FOR A YEAR, OR YEARS, YOU WOULD STILL STAY WITH HER? THAT'S STUPID!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Been there, done that. Sign me up as stupid.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> NO, CAUSE I NEVER CHEATED ON HIM BEFORE, THIS WAS THE FIRST MISTAKE I MADE WITH HIM REGARDING CHEATING... I FEEL EVERYONE DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2 years into dating my W, she had a brief "internet thing." Care to hear where my second chance got me?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> NO I AM NOT BLAMING ANYONE. I AM TAKING FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS...I FEEL THAT I WOULD HAVE NEVER CHEATED IF I WAS STRAIGHT... IN MY HEART I KNOW IT FOR FACT.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This in and of itself is a statement that removes blame from you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> BECAUSE I HAVE FEELINGS TOO... I HURT CAUSE I HURT HIM. WHEN HE HURTS, I HURT... CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT??
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then don't hurt him anymore. Then you won't hurt as much.


Your words and your actions do not match. Period. Only when your words and actions match do you send one message, whatever that message is. Until then, you leave much to interpretation.

I hope you see my (and others) points here. No one desires to chastise or "hard-a$$" you. Sometimes the ugliest thing in the world is the truth.

For you to choose a road that can give you personal growth requires a lot more strength than many have. A lot of us know this because remaining faithful to an adulterous spouse is not easy.

If you want advice, I will offer what I feel I can.

1. Don't do drugs. Find a way to stop. If meetings don't work for you, find something that does. Don't work on being clean when you feel like it, and do drugs when you don't.

2. Find what caused you to cheat. (Hint: It's not drugs) Chances are if you can find out what caused you to cheat, it's going to go a long way towards helping you achieve #1. And vice versa.

Begin by putting one foot forward and step in the right direction. And don't stray from that path.

As far as what others have told you, I advise you take heed. Focus only on thier message. It is a good one.

Best Wishes,
Ethan

This is all about choices. YES, I AGREE.

You will find support here if you make good choices. BUT I AM TRYING TO MAKE GOOD CHOICES AND NO ONE SUPPORTS ME NOW. I TOLD THE TRUTH, AND I JUST ASKED A FEW QUESTIONS, AND I GOT REPREMANDED. I WAS FIGHTING ON NOT TELLING THE TRUTH, AND NOW THAT I HAVE, I STILL HAVE EVERYONE AGAINST ME AND NOT ON MY SIDE.

There is a great difference between a mistake and a poor choice. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE THEN?

OKAY SO YOUR WIFE CHEATED ON YOU SEVERAL TIMES... WHY DID YOU STAY WITH HER THEN? I MEAN WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU'RE MARRIED OR DATING THE PERSON. I FEEL THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE.

2 years into dating my W, she had a brief "internet thing." Care to hear where my second chance got me? SORRY TO HEAR THAT. SO WHY DO YOU STAY WITH HER IF YOU KNOW IT WON'T CHANGE AND HASN'T? IF YOU'RE NOT HAPPY AND CONSTANTLY BEING HURT, WHY ARE YOU STAYING WITH HER??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> NO I AM NOT BLAMING ANYONE. I AM TAKING FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS...I FEEL THAT I WOULD HAVE NEVER CHEATED IF I WAS STRAIGHT... IN MY HEART I KNOW IT FOR FACT.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This in and of itself is a statement that removes blame from you. NO, I DISAGREE TOTALLY BECAUSE I DO BLAME MYSELF, BUT ONLY BECAUSE I WAS HIGH.. I WOULDN'T CHEAT EVER... YOU HAVE NEVER DONE DRUGS SO YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW A PERSON ACTS WHEN AFTER SMOKING CRACK COCAINE AND A LOT OF IT FOR AN HOUR OR TWO... EITHER WAY, YES IT WAS A POOR CHOICE BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE EVER PUT MYSELF IN THE POSITION IF I WASN'T TEMPTED TO GET HIGH CAUSE THE PERSON CALLED ME TO HANG OUT.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> BECAUSE I HAVE FEELINGS TOO... I HURT CAUSE I HURT HIM. WHEN HE HURTS, I HURT... CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT??
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then don't hurt him anymore. Then you won't hurt as much. I AGREE.


Your words and your actions do not match. Period. Only when your words and actions match do you send one message, whatever that message is. Until then, you leave much to interpretation. YES, BUT STILL I AM TRYING TO EXPLAIN EVEYRTHING AND GET JUDGED.

I hope you see my (and others) points here. No one desires to chastise or "hard-a$$" you. Sometimes the ugliest thing in the world is the truth. YES.

For you to choose a road that can give you personal growth requires a lot more strength than many have. A lot of us know this because remaining faithful to an adulterous spouse is not easy. I KNOW, AND IT'S HARD AND I AM AND WILL TRY TO GROW AND BE A GOOD PERSON AGAIN.

If you want advice, I will offer what I feel I can.

1. Don't do drugs. Find a way to stop. If meetings don't work for you, find something that does. Don't work on being clean when you feel like it, and do drugs when you don't. OK.

2. Find what caused you to cheat. (Hint: It's not drugs) Chances are if you can find out what caused you to cheat, it's going to go a long way towards helping you achieve #1. And vice versa. I THINK IT IS THE DRUGS, I HAVE NO REASON TO CHEAT ON HIM CAUSE ONE, I'M TOTALLY IN LOVE AND ADORE HIM...TWO BECAUSE OUR SEX LIFE IS GREAT TOGETHER WE ARE ROMANTIC AND AFFECTIONATE EVERY DAY AND MAKE LOVE BETWEEN 3-15 TIMES PER WEEK.

Begin by putting one foot forward and step in the right direction. And don't stray from that path. OK, IT'S HARD, AND I GET TRIGGERS AND TEMPTATIONS AND CRAVINGS... BUT I KEEP TRYING EVERY SINGLE DAY.

As far as what others have told you, I advise you take heed. Focus only on thier message. It is a good one. OK.

Best Wishes, THANK YOU SO MUCH ETHAN.
Ethan [/QB][/QUOTE]

YOU WERE RUDE FIRST SO THAT IS THE WAY I RESPONDED, BY BEING DEFENSIVE.
So what? It doesn’t matter what others do first. You need to learn to control yourself REGARDLESS of what others do. You can’t control others, only yourself.

Why is it that when someone puts exactly what you said back to you, it is rude? CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW ME
I’m confused. YOU wrote it about yourself and then we are wrong about it?!?

OR UNDERSTAND ME AND THINK I'M A BAD PERSON AND READING ME WRONG AND JUDGING ME AND CRITICAL OF ME.. AND DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP.
We know only what you tell us.
You are a drug addict.
You cheated on your boyfriend.
You try to defend everything you write, even if YOU say you were wrong.
We don’t think you are bad. We think you made some poor choices and cannot accept that fact. (See Step #10)

The pain of your partner having an affair is far worse than you having an affair. DIDN'T SAY THAT.
I know you did not say that. You did write, "I'm hurting just as much for doing this to him?" But this is not correct.

EITHER WAY, YES IT WAS A POOR CHOICE BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE EVER PUT MYSELF IN THE POSITION IF I WASN'T TEMPTED TO GET HIGH CAUSE THE PERSON CALLED ME TO HANG OUT.
YOU put yourself in that position. All you had to do is “just say no” and not go over to see him.
So if somebody simply asks you to do something, you no longer have a choice?

You will find support here if you make good choices. BUT I AM TRYING TO MAKE GOOD CHOICES AND NO ONE SUPPORTS ME NOW. I TOLD THE TRUTH, AND I JUST ASKED A FEW QUESTIONS, AND I GOT REPREMANDED.
No, you asked a few questions and tried to justify and dodge the problems. (Again, see Step #10)

NO I AM NOT BLAMING ANYONE. I AM TAKING FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS...I FEEL THAT I WOULD HAVE NEVER CHEATED IF I WAS STRAIGHT... IN MY HEART I KNOW IT FOR FACT.
And you chose to get high so the situation was caused by you. Not your boyfriend and not by us. You. (See Step #10)

This in and of itself is a statement that removes blame from you. NO, I DISAGREE TOTALLY BECAUSE I DO BLAME MYSELF, BUT ONLY BECAUSE I WAS HIGH.
See. Now you disagree TOTALLY! It’s not your fault, it was the drugs fault.
Anytime you say, “but” you are not accepting FULL responsibility.
Just say, “okay. I messed up. I will do what I need to and make sure it does not happen again.”
Can you tell me what Step # 10 is? Here's a hint.
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it

I WOULDN'T CHEAT EVER.
"I would never cheat” is an incorrect statement.
If you were on drugs, you would cheat. You were on drugs and you DID cheat.

YES, BUT STILL I AM TRYING TO EXPLAIN EVEYRTHING AND GET JUDGED.
You keep saying, “it’s not my fault, it was the drugs, it was the other guys faults, etc.”
It was your fault and yours alone for doing drugs.(see Step #10)

And try to grow up a little bit and take this as trying to help you.
Also, “DUH!” is pretty childish.

We are here to help you, IF YOU WANT.

<small>[ June 01, 2004, 04:18 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There is a great difference between a mistake and a poor choice. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE THEN?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mistake: I forgot to look when the light turned green. The guy that ran the red light plowed into me. We both ended up in a wheelchair.

Poor Choice: Light turned green. I looked, saw the car barreling at me. Decided the possible insurance money was worth the risk of getting hit. We both ended up in a wheelchair.

See the difference?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> OKAY SO YOUR WIFE CHEATED ON YOU SEVERAL TIMES... WHY DID YOU STAY WITH HER THEN? I MEAN WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU'RE MARRIED OR DATING THE PERSON. I FEEL THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE.

2 years into dating my W, she had a brief "internet thing." Care to hear where my second chance got me? SORRY TO HEAR THAT. SO WHY DO YOU STAY WITH HER IF YOU KNOW IT WON'T CHANGE AND HASN'T? IF YOU'RE NOT HAPPY AND CONSTANTLY BEING HURT, WHY ARE YOU STAYING WITH HER??
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll keep this focused on you. It's your thread. But this is the primary difference between marriage and a "relationship." I made a promise to uphold of lot of things. I choose to uphold my promise, whether she has or not. Your BF has no incentive to stay with you other than his kindness. You have betrayed him. Period. If he chooses to stay he has done you a great service. Make the most of it.

I suggest you make the most by:
1. Don't do drugs. Find a way to stop. If meetings don't work for you, find something that does. Don't work on being clean when you feel like it, and do drugs when you don't. OK.

2. Find what caused you to cheat. (Hint: It's not drugs) Chances are if you can find out what caused you to cheat, it's going to go a long way towards helping you achieve #1. And vice versa.

I personally do not believe that you do not recognize a poor choice when you see one. You may justify why you made it if you choose, but I don't believe that you are blind to it.

You will make changes in you when you start making choices that are to your better benefit. These may not always "feel" better, but I believe you know the difference.

Ethan

How old are you and how old is he?

Chris... I was gonna ask the same thing! I would guess young!

IWTBH,

Personal experience here...my ex husband is a drug addict and an alcoholic. Now...he beat my a$$ all the time (almost daily) and he ended up having an affair. His excuse for beating me?? THE DRUGS/ALCOHOL MADE HIM DO IT!! His excuse for cheating?? THE WOMAN HE CHEATED WITH DID DRUGS AND DRANK WITH HIM!!

You have no idea the emotional pain that is involved in this. Your boyfriend is lucky..he's only been with you for a short time. I was with my ex for 14 years and had 3 children with him.

We separated in December 1999 and were divorced in November 2000. There was no way our relationship could work because he "didn't have a problem with drugs" His problem was "he never had enough drugs" (yes, he actually said that).

Until you see that you are responsible for your actions COMPLETELY, and that you need help, your relationship will not work. You need to fix the addiction before you can fix your relationship with your boyfriend.

And if you knew what it took for you to stop using...it would have worked the first time around. You need to start over as if you've never gone thru rehab before!

Lots of luck to ya!
Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong> Drugs are stupid. NO DUH!

STOP USING DRUGS!! It's easy for you to just say stop using drugs...

but, it is NOT worth my job, my marriage, my health, my freedom, or my future. NO DUH!

Unless you're just using the drugs as an excuse to behave any way you damn well please, and get away with it. In which case... you need therapy, something fierce. NO, I USED THE DRUGS, WITH THE INTENTIONS OF JUST PARTYING WITH THIS GUY, AND WHEN I WAS HIGH, I GAVE IN.


Marriage is different. YOU ARE SO WRONG... MARRIAGE OR NOT, IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE WITH ALL YOUR HEART, YOU STILL CAN WORK ON PROBLEMS AND WANT TO WORK EVERYTHING OUT, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED, CAUSE THAT'S WHAT LOVE IS AND COMMITMENT IS.. A STUPID PIECE OF PAPER AND VOWS IS NOTHING...IT'S ALL JUST WORDS IN VOWS AND THEY ALL CAN BE BROKEN CAUSE WE ARE ALL HUMAN AND WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES... LOVE IS LOVE, AND IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH THAT PESON, YOU WILL DO EVETYHTING YOU CAN TO TRY AND MAKE IT WORK AND FIX WHATEVER PROBLEMS THERE ARE.. MARRIAGE OR NOT!!!

I believe in death before divorce (for myself... not for her). I'd rather die than break my marriage vows, or become another statistic on divorce.com. OH, SO IF YOUR WIFE CHEATED ON YOU ONCE EVERY SINGLE MONTH FOR A YEAR, OR YEARS, YOU WOULD STILL STAY WITH HER? THAT'S STUPID!

Lecture over. I DIDN'T ASK FOR A STUPID LECTURE AND YOU ARE A JERK! I SIMPLY ASKED FOR ADVICE, NOT A RUDE LECTURE... YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME FOR YOU TO JUDGE ME THIS HARSH.

In closing... stop using drugs, stop cheating on your boyfriends, WHO SAID I CHEATED ON BOYFRIENDS? I SAID I CHEATED ON MY CURRENT BOYFRIEND... AND THAT ALL HIS EXGIRLFRIENDS AND HIS EXWIFE CHEATED ON HIM... WHY DON'T YOU READ MORE CAREFULLY BEFORE RESPONDING.

stop being stupid, and stop acting like a dumb high-school punk. RUDE AND CRUEL PEOPLE LIKE YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE IN THIS FORUM. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told you you wouldn't like it.
How old are you, by the way?

I'll tell you what... anyone that thinks that way about marriage needs to not even be thinking about it.
The ability to love, unconditionally is something the vast majority of this world does not have. I love my wife unconditionally. And, I am loyal, and honorable enough to follow through on my vows to her.... even if it literally kills me to do so.
That is love. I am ready and willing to lay down my life for her at any time... for any reason.

Rude and cruel? Jerk? Child... I can SHOW you rude and cruel.
Imagine being a close, loyal friend to someone for seven years. Imagine that you always defended them, stood up for this friend to everyone that said anything wrong against them... even though you knew they were right.
Imagine that this friend had no redeeming qualities whatsoever... and, all you ever did was try to help them.
Imagine you spent hours helping this friend fix their ailing sports car.
Imagine you helped them become social again when they were near-suicidal.
Imagine you even saved this friend's life, once.
Imagine that all along, this friend insulted, berated, and ridiculed you. Imagine that all of your kindness and loyalty was rewarded with veritable slaps in the face at every turn.
Imagine that when you trusted this friend the most... this friend was trying to talk the one you love out of your relationship, using any foul mind-trick and manipulation they could come up with. Imagine they worked hard enough to succeed. Imagine they began to interfere again when your other finally broke away. Imagine thid friend were currently trying to have your child taken away over this insane jealousy.
Imagine that this friend's sole purpose in your life was to search for a way to destroy you... because you were happy, and they were not.
That, child.... is rude and cruel.

You obviously don't know much about life.

Easy for me to say? Just stop using drugs?
Why is it so difficult? I "just stopped". So can you.... if you want to. It's not hard at all. Addictions are all in the mind. The strong-minded will not give in, and can easily break the hold.
Those who are weak of mind allow substances to dominate them.

Nothing dominates me. Everything in my life is a choice. I choose to, or choose not to. Fact.

Child... life is pain. Anyone who tells you different is either an idiot, or a salesman.
Life without pain isn't real.

When you learn to cope with life... then, you won't be a child anymore. You're not ready, yet.
A true adult would have listened to my advice.
Browse back through some of my posts. People on this board have been even harsher with me than I've been with you... I listened, and I applied the advice.
The difference here, is you've taken sound, undeniable advice, and twisted it into something that seems like an attack.
I was trying to help you. I guess this is what I get for trying to help.

Keep your lifestyle. Fine with me. Destroy yourself one 'high' at a time. In five years... you'll look back on this moment, and wish you'd listened to that 'jerk' on the message board.

peace, love, and tight corners...
-Jarod Wynde

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 01:30 AM: Message edited by: Jarod_Wynde ]</small>

GOD!!!

My head hurts now.... because I CHOSE to pound it against the friggin desk several times after reading EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HER POSTS!!

The self-justification, and blatant, willful ignorance is just too much for me to handle!

My guess is that her parents didn't punish her as a child.


I'm sorry.... please don't ban me. I speak only truth. I tried a little 'tough love'.... but, now, I'm just plain indignant. I'll CHOOSE to stop posting in here....

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 01:27 AM: Message edited by: Jarod_Wynde ]</small>

First of all, I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Jarod's wife if you couldn't already tell from the name. He's been encouraging me to post for some time. I've browsed a bit, but this thread here caught my eye.
iwanttobehonest, I can understand a bit of where you are coming from. I've had an affair with a friend of my husband's that was renting a room to us. We were going through a rough spot, just fighting a bit, it happens, but I dealt with it quite badly.
The first time anything happened was under the influence of alcohol, on my part anyway. But there's a little difference here, between you and me, I didn't blame the alcohol. I never have.
But I do see a little bit of a similarity between us, though I've changed it for myself. You have this self-justification thing going, I had a bit of that myself. I saw everything as an attack. My friends, family, and husband, were all just trying to help me and give me advice and stuff, but it disagreed with what I wanted to hear, so I responded in anger and defensiveness.
That's what I see you doing on this board. That absolutely has to stop. No progress was made with anything until I snapped myself out of that nonsense(with the help of my husband).
I have never placed any blame on anyone or anything else(like alcohol or drugs) for what I did. There is always a choice no matter how screwed up you are on anything.
You can't blame the drugs for making you cheat, because they didn't. Your senses and such a little screwy, but you were still you.
You don't like what people have to say to you on here unless it's giving you a nice fuzzy feeling. You don't have to like what's being said to you. Just realize that it's truth and help, and make the changes you need to make immediatly.
You need to change your drug problem, and your attitude problem. Take full responsibility, and things will probably start to change.

I have one more thing to say. Though the actions I chose to take in the past might not reflect this, but marriage is in fact very different from any other relationship. It is sacred.
I broke my vows, and I can only thank God every day that my husband could take me back after what I did. I feel pain as well, so I know how you feel there some, but I know his is so much worse.

Dear Chris,

You are right, it shouldn't matter what others do first. I guess it's a learned habbit of mine to be defensive. I do need to control myself, regardless of what others do and I have been trying to learn and do that for a while now and it's not easy.

I guess I was saying everyone was rude because the truth hurts and I'm not used to the harshness and people telling me the truth.

You are right, I try to defend everything I write, even if I say I am wrong. You are right, I made some poor choices and I guess I cannot accept the fact...or maybe I accept the fact, but I try to justify why I made a poor choice.

You are right again, he is hurting more than I am.

You are right, I put myself in the position thinking I was strong enough to just talk with this guy about an issue of the past that was never resolved and thinking I could just leave after talking, kowing in my heart that he still probably did drugs and thought I wouldn't ask him anything about it. I think I am stronger than I am..but I am not, I'm weak.

Drug addiction has four phases where you can still make a choice before doing them... starts with a trigger, and then a thought, then a craving, and then you either give in or you don't. I knew this guy was a trigger and should have never went there, but I think in my heart I wanted to get high and could get by with smoking just a little bit. I know I do not have control over this drug and cannot do a little bit, but everytime I am clean for a while, I think I can. I know that I can never ever do this drug and will not test myself or my strength anymore.

You're right, I tried to justify and dodge the problems.

I know the situation was not caused by anybody but myself... I said that from the start, I guess blaming the drug for cheating is taking the blame off myself... but you don't know how I am when I do this drug... I don't care about anything except for getting the next rush. Everything else goes down the toilet and I don't care about anything when I'm high. Either way, I made the poor choice of putting myself in the situation and I have been admitting that..but I know I have to stop saying it's the drugs that made me cheat...it's just hard because I know I am not myself when I am high. In order for him to get me high for free, he wanted something in return...like he didn't want to just hang out as friends. He was horny and wanted some affection and physical contact. I felt that I just wanted to keep getting another hit, so I would just sacrafice and not respect myself or my body and eventually I would get over it and push it down beneath my gut and hide what I did for the rest of my life. Not a way to live anymore and I am glad I made the decision to tell my boyfriend the truth and begin personal growth. I'm tired of bottling things up inside and not being honest with myself...

I accept full responsibility. I admit it, and will not try to justify it anymore. You are right, and I need to accept it and try to move on and one day forgive myself for all of this. My problem is I'm forgiving to other people for things they do, but I can never forgive myself, and maybe that's why I lack low self-esteem and treat my body and mind this way, even though I had loving parents and a loving boyfriend. Deep down too I feel that I'm not good enough, that I'm just a pretty face to everyone. I need to talk to people about these issues or a professional and try and get my self-esteem back and not be so confident that looks can get me through life, and cuteness can get me through life. I am true to myself and a genuine person, but I feel nobody can truly see what I"m like on the inside except for my family and my boyfriend.

Using the word Duh and you saying it is childish is correct. That is my way of defending myself and making myself feel better when being criticized. I realize this now and want to do what I need to to make things better for me and for the people who love me.

Yes, I'm glad you offer to be here for me when I want.... I want and I need and thank you so much.

Dear Furnitureman,

Yes, you are right, there is a difference between a mistake and a poor choice. I made a poor choice.


If he chooses to stay with me, how do I make the most of it? How do I make it better for him? Besides going to Narcotics Anonymous and to a psychologist, how can I prove to him that I want to earn his trust back and want him to see that I would never do it to him again?

2. Find what caused you to cheat. (Hint: It's not drugs) I cheated in order to get and stay high, that is what caused me to cheat. I am not justifying what I did, and I had a choice not to go there or to leave and say no, I'm not going to cheat to get high... but I have no control when I do this drug because I like it so much, I jones for another hit, and it's hard for me to say no. I'm a drug addict and it's not easy for a lot of people to understand that. Either way, yes I take full responsibility and I want to move on and make things right.

You say I don't recognize a poor choice when I see one... I think I see the poor choice and I choose to take the poor choice over a good choice, in my selfishness.

Yes, I want to make choices that are better for me, but when I don't feel good about myself, I choose to take the poor choice over the good one... I need psychotherapy.

Thank you for your advice Ethan.

Dear Mitzi,

I'm 34 and my boyfriend is 40.

I also have been beaten in the past by this man who I cheated with. I was hanging out with him when I was single and not with my current boyfriend. My boyfriend and I were just friends in the beginning and neither of us wanted a commitment. He kept encouraging me to not get high and that I"m a good person. I felt that the beatings is what I deserved bercause of the guilt I felt for having such a low-self esteem even though my friend was tyring to say I was a good person. I was confused and didn't know who I was anymore or where I was going in life or what I wanted anymore. I had jsut ended a two-year relationship with someone and before that an 8-year relationship and never had time to mourn over that. I used drugs to numb the pain.

You're right, I need to fix my addiction before I can fix the relationship.

I know what it takes to stop using (NA & SPONSOR), but it also takes confidence, high self-esteem, encouragement and goals and direction in life.

Thank you so much for everything you said.

Dear Jarod,

What if you didn't love your wife anymore or fell out of love, you would still stay married? Just curious.

The ability to love, unconditionally is something the vast majority of this world does not have - I totally agree.

I love my boyfriend unconditionally. And, I am willing to always be loyal, and honorable enough to follow through on my vows to him (even though we're not married).... even if it literally kills me to do so. I am ready and willing to lay down my life for her at any time... for any reason. I have always felt this way about him, made a poor choice, and feel that I want to and can do this.

You are right, what you said is rude and cruel and I'm sorry if that happened to you... sincerely I am sorry. I think that my problems are the worst, but they are not.

I guess I don't know much about life, maybe.

It's not so much stopping doing drugs that is hard, but it's the triggers that come my way that makes it hard for me to say no. When I'm with my boyfriend, I don't even think about doing drugs. I need to start learning to love myself, and that I do need some professional help. I'm not as strong-minded as I thought I was, and I let substances and people dominate me.

I guess I never wanted to deal with pain or feel it in my life... I hate the pain and move away from it, by either keeping busy, laughing, telling jokes, smiling, acting like everything is okay, doing drugs, etc. etc. etc. It's hard for me to accept negative things that happen in life. You're right, I guess I cannot cope with the bad things in life. I don't know why. I want to but I don't know how.

You're right, I take everything as if it's an attack against me, because I guess I can't admit when I am at fault for anything. Maybe I think I'm perfect or somethign? I don't know. I need and want help to stop being this way.

Thank you so much for your help.

Dear Jarod,

You are right, my parents never really punished me as a child (my father wanted to though but my mother didn't) and I was always helped when a problem arose, and put a bandaid on all my hurts. I think that is where my problem stems from, that I never learned how to live independently and suffer through life, as a child and then as an adult. I used to rebel as a child to be independent but my parents never let me. They were strict, but also very easy on me when I ****ed up.

Please don't stop posting here... I need your opinions and help. Thank you so much for making me see so much in myself.

Dear Heather,

But there's a little difference here, between you and me, I didn't blame the alcohol. I never have. YES, BUT DON'T YOU THINK THAT IF YOU WEREN'T UNDER THE INFLUENCE, YOU WOULD HAVE MADE A BETTER CHOICE? THAT IS THE PROBLEM WHEN YOU ARE UNDER THE INFLUENCE, IT MESSES UP YOUR ABILITY TO THINK CLEARLY, MAKE THE RIGHT DECISIONS, AND DISTORTS YOUR BRAIN. IF YOU EVER HAVE BEEN UNDER THE INFLUENCE, GO TO AN A.A. PROGRAM OR IF YOU EVER GET A DWI, YOU WILL LEARN A LOT FROM THE PROGRAM THAT IT DISTORTS YOUR RATIONALIZATION, JUDGEMENT, ETC. ETC.

You are right, there is always a choice no matter how screwed up you are on anything, but I feel you are impaired in your thinking and judgements and it makes some people weaker than others and therefore make poor choices instead of good choices. I guess you can call it immature and irresponsible?

Your senses and such a little screwy, but you were still you. I DON'T TOTALLY AGREE WITH THAT... I WAS DISTORED, DIDN'T FEEL LIKE ME, FELT LIKE SOMEONE ELSE..AND DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING AT THAT POINT CAUSE I WAS HIGH AND FEELING DOWN.

You are right, I do need to change my drug problem and my attitude problem.

Why is marriage more sacred than being with someone out of marriage?

Thank you for sharing your life with me and making me feel like I am not the only one with problems. You are right, the ones we have hurt are huring much more than ourselves. I feel my selfishness needs to stop, I need to take full responsibility and accept the fact that I messed up. It's not easy, but I am trying.

Thank you again.

I sincerely hope people will come in and post replies and continue to help me. I genuinely and sincerely thank everyone for the prior help and hope that I get as much feedback to help me grow. I need it.

No one wants to reply to me?? I'm so trying and I'm not getting any feedback, help, encouragement, or replies... I'm so depressed, hurting, and worried and confused, can't anyone help me? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by iwanttobehonest:
<strong> Dear Jarod,

What if you didn't love your wife anymore or fell out of love, you would still stay married? Just curious.

The ability to love, unconditionally is something the vast majority of this world does not have - I totally agree.

I love my boyfriend unconditionally. And, I am willing to always be loyal, and honorable enough to follow through on my vows to him (even though we're not married).... even if it literally kills me to do so. I am ready and willing to lay down my life for her at any time... for any reason. I have always felt this way about him, made a poor choice, and feel that I want to and can do this.

You are right, what you said is rude and cruel and I'm sorry if that happened to you... sincerely I am sorry. I think that my problems are the worst, but they are not.

I guess I don't know much about life, maybe.

It's not so much stopping doing drugs that is hard, but it's the triggers that come my way that makes it hard for me to say no. When I'm with my boyfriend, I don't even think about doing drugs. I need to start learning to love myself, and that I do need some professional help. I'm not as strong-minded as I thought I was, and I let substances and people dominate me.

I guess I never wanted to deal with pain or feel it in my life... I hate the pain and move away from it, by either keeping busy, laughing, telling jokes, smiling, acting like everything is okay, doing drugs, etc. etc. etc. It's hard for me to accept negative things that happen in life. You're right, I guess I cannot cope with the bad things in life. I don't know why. I want to but I don't know how.

You're right, I take everything as if it's an attack against me, because I guess I can't admit when I am at fault for anything. Maybe I think I'm perfect or somethign? I don't know. I need and want help to stop being this way.

Thank you so much for your help. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you're being sincere with this post, that is a damn good thing. Keep this attitude. It will get you far in life.
Even if you have to fake it for a while, it will eventually take over, and become your real attitude.

If you keep listening to, and absorbing all of the good advice people on here have for you... even when it sounds harsh... you will improve yourself.

Help and advice can only get you so far. You have to reach out, take hold of it, and claim it for yourself.
Like my father-in-law says all the time; "there's only one motherf**ker in this world who's gonna change your situation. And, it ain't me... it's you."

Lastly.... kindly, please don't feel sorry for me about anything that I share on here. I don't post for sympathy. I post to help others gain perspective, or to gain perspective from others. It's all about improving myself, and my marriage, and helping others.

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: Jarod_Wynde ]</small>

As far as the drug issue goes....
I've used pot, coke, speed, and abused a few perscription drugs (vicodin and diazepam). Not all during the same time period of my life... I moved from one, to the other, then back again. I've had a problem with alcohol since I was 16, as well.

I "just stopped" one day. I decided it was stupid, and I chose to stop. I haven't touched coke in 5 years, and the first and last time I used speed was during my last semester of college, almost three years ago.
I made a choice to fall back to weed and vicodin while I was separated from my wife (after being clean from everything but alcohol for almost three years) . Then, I made the choice to stop, once again. I've also made a choice to never do it again.

Trust me.... it isn't as hard as you think it is.

As far as the drug issue goes....
I've used pot, coke, speed, and abused a few perscription drugs (vicodin and diazepam). Not all during the same time period of my life... I moved from one, to the other, then back again. I've had a problem with alcohol since I was 16, as well.

I "just stopped" one day. I decided it was stupid, and I chose to stop. I haven't touched coke in 5 years, and the first and last time I used speed was during my last semester of college, almost three years ago.
I made a choice to fall back to weed and vicodin while I was separated from my wife (after being clean from everything but alcohol for almost three years) . Then, I made the choice to stop, once again. I've also made a choice to never do it again.

Trust me.... it isn't as hard as you think it