Hi all. I have several post here and there explaining all the details of my mess, but here is what I need help with right now. My W confessed to her A with a co-worker. She told me that she told him that she loves him but he would never say it back. she admits she is so addicted to him that she can't be trusted tomorrow when they're both off. But today they have to work together (starting at 3pm). This will be the first time they see each other since she called him crying and ended it. How do I handle this? I've asked her to cut off all contact with him, but she keeps rationalizing why she can't change floors or shifts or something. There's an excuse for every reason why she can't avoid working with him. She just told me again she is trying to commit to not giving into him, but she doesn't know if she can. Why is she beeing so weak? It's not her style to be so weak!

My question, what can I say to her to let her know I love her and support her as she goes through withdrawl, without saying it's ok to keep seeing/contacting him?

Thank you all for putting up with me while I struggle.

NC (no contact) is absolutely essential. She is having what we refer to as "withdrawl".

She will rationalize everything--but, she has to have NC or you will be stuck in a very large rut.

I agree with Jimmy. NC is necessary. Harley even suggest if it helps to achieve NC, move, relocate. It's drastic, but I'm sure it works.

Thanks for the replies. She's not really budging on this. He is moving out of town in 2 weeks and she says she will only have to work with 3 more days. I guess I have to let this be her decision, she has to know that she ended this, and not that I forced her to end this. This is a very hard concept to accept. All I can do is pray and (UGH...) TRUST her that she will do the right thing for our marriage. Trust has to begin somewhere and I'm going to give her a chance to begin here.

Can you tell that I'm very very insecure and controlling right now?

Thanks everyone.

Ch. Man,

This is a separate post to ask you a few questions.

First, Have you really read the material on this site, not just the forum boards? People here can be helpful, but none of us are professionals. (Although some seem to be working on it).

Next, have you read any books about affairs and M, such as the Harley's "Surviving An Affair"? OR Dave Carder's "Torn Asunder"? I found these both very helpful, with not only advice but even more so just for understanding. If your W would read them, that would double the effectiveness.

Have you at least begun the process of finding out what your wife was missing in her life and M, that she would stray? I mean what your part or role in this whole mess was and is?
I'm not saying it is your fault, but you did have a part in creating the conditions that lead to your W being vulnerable to an A. She must own her part....but to heal and have a better stronger M, you have to own your part as well. That can be a difficult challenge for a BS to confront.
Even if your not ready for that part now, begin to read and learn and come back to it when you better understand the principle.

Also, Please remember to continue to take care of yourself. I let myself go for about 2 months after my D-day (not eating, sleeping, even bathing) and I ended up getting pneumonia. Don't go there!
And if you have children try to look out for them as well. I sympathize and know it's so difficult to do, but just at least try to do a little more then you FEEL like doing.

The part about you betraying her in the past.... Could this be some type of payback?
How does it feel to be on the other end? Do you feel that her A is more similiar or different then yours?
At the very least, you should at least be able to identify with one another (having both been WS as well as BS). From the posts I've read sometimes it makes recovery easier, when BOTH feel they have been "wronged" (for lack of a better word).

Did you get any type of help or MC after YOUR A? Or was it just supposed to be gotten over by all?
Were you as open and honest about your A with your W, as she appears to be being with you? IF not, why not? And if not, why do you expect her to open up when you yourself wouldn't?

Any way, you've probably read about enough from me today. So get some food, get some rest, and keep working at it.

Later

TR,
Thank you. you couldn't have know it but I really need to explore this right NOW. So here's the history.

2 years ago my W was 100% addicted to me. We had something so different than anyone we knew. We had become friends in Jr. High school while she was dating my best friend and I was dating hers. Over the school years her and I fell in love and married right out of school. Great 1st 6 years. Fast forward to 2001. I was hooked on porn. Anykind, any media, any language, I didn't care. I loved porn. I thought it was a victimless crime. The problem was my W and I were the victims. Sex was great, everything was great until the point that I started thinking what I saw on porn was what sex was sapposed to be. When we/she couldn't live up to what I saw in porn I felt like we had sexual problems.

Here's where it gets tricky, stay with me. The friend of hers that I was dating in HS suddenly came back into our lives, as a friend. My W started working for the first time ever (after 6 years of waiting on me hand and foot) on the 3P-11P shift, and hour away from home. She didn't get home until midnight or later every night, which left me taking care of the kids. I felt deserted and neglected. This "friend"s husband was not interested in sex and we would talk on the phone while my W was working. You see where this is going? Oh wait, there's more. I got this great idea to invite her into a 3-some. My W, still trying to make me happy, agreed. the 3 of us set up ground rules, had sex twice, and I blew the grounds rules out of the water.

Get this though. I know going behind my wifes back was wrong, BUT (you knew that was coming) OW and I never had sex outside of my wifes eyes. Yes, we "fooled around" but no intercourse. Does that make it ok? NO!! The ONLY thing that kept that from happening was my love for my W. The OW and I had no emotional attachment, we were just HOT together. My W found out that I was up to more than she thought, threatened to leave and I stopped seeing the OW. For good.

This OW was the only other person I had ever "been" with besides my W. And my wife had never "been" with anyone else. We went on vacation with my entire family and she put the moves on my brother whom she'd had a crush on for years. this ended as quickly as it happened and my brother and I reconciled.

No, after my A there was no MC. HUGE MISTAKE! We just put it behind us and moved on. She told me that wanted to "be" with another guy to see what it was like, and became addicted to that thought. She met this guy at her work. He listened to her and comforted her. He was also going through a break up with his GF. So they just leaned on each other. What I just learned is that they started having sex with in a week of talking, and it has been going on for 2 months.

D-Day was this past Sunday. She broke down and told me everything

Hit the wrong button too soon.

Let me answer your questions because those are excellent questions.

Yes, I have read and printed just about all of the info from this site, and W and I have been reading it for about 2 weeks now. Before then we were reading Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue and Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages. Both excellent books. My W has been very open to read anything and everything. we would even take turns reading outloud to each other at night.

When she told me she wasn't happy 3 months ago, I started the process of taking personal inventory to find out what I was doing or not doing to put us where we were. I have discovered so much about myself that I am working on changing. I am so proud of that. I have learned a lot of things I wasn't doing to make her feel loved and special. I've been trying to fill her love tank but she wouldn't open it up to me. So yes, I know I did my part to put us where we are, and I'm working on being the person/husband/father my family deserves. I did this before I knew about the PA and that has helped me cope.

I also haven't eaten much the last few days, I just feel naucious and have no appetite. We do very well about not discussing any of this in front of our kids. I don't want this to affect them AT ALL.

As for my honesty after my A. Yes, as soon as she discovered it I stopped and told her anything she wanted to know. That was when I started believing in absolute honesty. I tried so much to warn her about how inocently thing can start between two people of the opposite sex, but she told me that she would have to learn for herself. So I have been waiting for this day for 2 years. Praying that somehow something I would say would prevent it, but it didn't. Now we BOTH have to live the rest of our lives as FWS's. Our deep friendship is the only thing that has kept us together doing our emotional divorse. We have a very solid foundation, we just now have to rebuild the walls. Thanks for listening. Will answer anything you want to know, it feels good to talk about this.