Well, after 2 months my W is fainally telling me the truth about her A... and I believe her because much of it I already know. But WOW! Some of the things she is telling me really makes me wonder if she is the same woman I've been married to for 12 years. Sex in my house, my bed, in local hotels (paid for by OM expense account), in his car on local streets, and she even went with OM to Florida, while I was deployed, and he was attending sales training (paid for by OM expense account). After their first encounter, she gets nervous and gets the morning-after pill. Holy crap!!! We worked so hard on a child before I deployed and it didn't take. Now this! She said she decided if she did get pregnant, she would have an abortion. I would've been long gone if either had taken place.

My W now seems to really be coming out of the fog, as she thinks of things he told her, and she realizes they can't be true. She tells me she hasn't seen or contacted OM in 2 months - I believe her because I get now get her cell phone bills and we are talking alot!! She is becoming more like the woman I remember.

It all came about as we were discussing the NC letter and I told her not sending one and not being totally honest with me were "deal-breakers". We sat in the car the other night for 3 hours as she told me many, many things. I asked questions, and she answered more than my questions. She cried, told me more than once how sorry she is, and really seemed to be getting a clear picture of how things look in reality.

She is having trouble with the NC letter because she says she doesn't want to even think about OM, or bring him back into the picture because of the letter. My IC says that the NC letter is up to me, but if I really think there is no contact and my W seems to be working with me on our M, the NC letter might not be needed.

But, here is my issue, based on what my W has told me about OM, his relationship history (as he told her) this is not his first A and he and his W have been thru MC just a few years ago because of his last A. I now feel guilty for knowing and assuming that she doesn't know. I wish sommone had told me. And if this were my W's second A (or more), I would be furious. OM's last A was revealed because OW called his W. I know my W has as much responsibility for the A as OM, but now I feel for his W and what I know. I'd like to think that OM will be found out anyway, but my W says OM is always worried about people following him for other "legal" issues. He really sounds like a winner. Makes me even more concerned about what the hell my W was doing.

She said she always wanted to be with a "bad boy" as she describes him. Well, I guess she got her fantasy and all the reality that goes with it (possible STDs, pregnancy, etc.). I want to know more from my W, and I'm sure she will tell me if I ask.

This has been a rant, but thoughts/suggestions are appreciated.

Hi apache - I was wondering about you. Glad things are looking up.

Both of you AND your counselor may be underestimating the powerful symbolism and potential benefit of a NC letter.

It's like putting a grave stone on the death of an affair - you know where it's burried. If it comes back to life, you have a written memory of (hopefully) clear thinking that maybe can be a catalyst for more clear thinking.

Further, OM's W should be told and a NC letter is the best way.

If your wife writes a NC letter that you read and approve, and you send a separate copy to OM's W - both of you can move forward with one less load on your back. The symbolism, if not the practical effect, is huge.

Please consider it, and make it a POJA item in your rebuilt relationship.

BUT! If you choose NOT to do it, you still have the very real moral obligation to inform OM's wife.

WAT

I understand where you're coming from, but I am struggling with the moral obligation. I am having trouble ensuring myself that I am not informing OMW as revenge on OM.

WHY?? Because deep down I would love to cause this guy serious pain. I have played it over in my head time after time. I would love to call his boss and tell him about the company funds being used to finance his A with my W - that would be for revenge. I don't want my pain to overcome rational thought.

apache, that is ok if it is for revenge. Just because your motivations are wrong does not mean its the wrong thing to do. This woman has to be told. She has a right to know and you have a moral obligation to tell her. Your anger is understandable, but it doesn't supercede your moral obligation to warn this woman. You just can't use your anger as an excuse to not do the right thing. Please call her up and tell her, apache.

I am so sorry that you had to hear all about your W's affair, but am glad that y'all are moving forward in such a positive, albeit painful, manner. It sounds like you are doing a great job making her feel safe, hence her confession.

<small>[ June 01, 2004, 06:09 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by apache03:
<strong>I am having trouble ensuring myself that I am not informing OMW as revenge on OM.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's why the NC letter route is the best route.

That said, if bad consequences come from doing the right thing, oh well!

Play the role, pay the toll.

The only folks who will criticize you for that are WSs.

I recommend you consider the "revenge" appearance as colateral damage. Being in the military you know what this means.

And you know what? So what??? There's nothing more I'd like than to bring discomfort to the OM in my sitch. Will I seek it out? No. But if it occurs through the course of doing the right thing, oh well! It may even give me more motivation to do the right thing. Oh well! I am not concerned in this in the least.

For me and others on this, the question is whether, all things considered, are we doing the right thing consistent with our beliefs and value system?

If the answer is "yes", but this results in bad juju for somebody responsible for what happened, oh well!

WAT

The truth is what I've wanted to know since day 1. I scares the hell out of me but it can't be worse than my imagination. Is it painful? Isn't it absolutely neccesary to heal?

As for the OM and telling OMW- burn him to the ground.

My opinion may be biased.

deafjeff - Yes, the truth is painfull. The things my wife told me were shocking to hear (although I did not show how angry I was and did not show any reaction), but they were no worse than I had imagined.

I kept calm and simply discussed with her what had been going on. She did most of the talking and kept revealing more and more - answering questions I had not even asked yet. I watched as she came to her realization of how things looked (and were) in reality. I saw on her face and heard in her words how foolish she felt and how she was now seeing herself as I (the BS) did.

Originally, she said there were some things she would take to her grave before telling me, but after she told me those things they were not as shocking to me to hear as they were for her to say out loud.

As I explained to her - for me, hearing the painfull truth is better than creating painfull thoughts based on my imagination and my own insecurities.

As I have read in many books (and I have read and studied more books on affairs/realtionships/marriage in the last few months than I probably read in college in total) women are more affected by the emotional side than the physical side of the affair. I was more concerned with the sexual exploits (during sex)and she was more concerned about the "morning-after" pill, telling me she had been to hotels with him and had sex in the car on a backstreet, and that she had been to Florida with him. I feared more feeling inadequate as a sexual partner, and she feared more telling me of why she was attracted to him and the "real" appearances of where they had gone and what they had done - who they had lied to.

Thanks. I hope everything works out for the best for you guys.