My husband is desperate for me to go out and start work so that he can afford to leave me. The idea was always that I would train to be a teacher so that we would be able to have nice family holidays, be able to take the children out for meals and have lovely days out etc. instead of living on a shoestring, as we always have.

I did train to be a teacher recently and I would love to work, but I dont see why I should be working for him to be single!

I pointed this out to him and told him that I saw no reason why I should go out to work if it was now simply to enable him to be able to move out and have all the convenience of being a weekend parent, while I got teh day to day parental responsabilities (and housework!) plus a full time job.

His solution is that we should get divorced but continue living together. He says he will block off part of teh family room and make himself a small bedroom. I think this is wanting to have his cake and eat it as he would have all the effective convenience of a wife plus teh freedom of a single life.

What do you guys think?

<small>[ June 01, 2004, 12:23 PM: Message edited by: Debbra ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> think this is wanting to have his cake and eat it as he would have all the effective convenience of a wife plus teh freedom of a single life.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are absolutely right. My WH is like this, even worse. Why don't you let him move out and pay you the child support?

I think you are exactly right...and I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to help him leave you. However, refusing to work does several things....makes you completely dependent, less attractive to him...and puts you in a sense in the role of financial blackmailer. You're also shooting yourself in the foot here...if finances have always been a problem, then they still are and should be addressed. Not to mention the fact that if he does truly leave, having a job is a good thing to have. One of the things I see repeated over and over again here is that SAHM's get replaced with career women....and part of the draw is the independence. I don't know your story...so don't know which way to advise you...but be careful about this decision. With the little bit I do know....how about a different approach:

Honey, I will make a commitment to go back to work....but I also need a commitment from you so that I feel safe and motivated to do so. If I agree to go back to work and take on some of the financial responsibility....will you agree to end contact (if there is an A) and enter marriage counseling with me.

Don't just give him what he wants, without making a good deal.

Thanks for your imput lostnhurt and star*fish.Im not actually refusing to work...there arent any jobs available for teachers at the moment but there may be in September. If i was to take another job it wouldnt be half as well paid and would exclude me from substitute work which is the "foot in the door". He seems in no hurry to move and is quite happy to hang about for a year or so while I get the apartment fixed up with new carpets, doors etc. Who knows what could happen in the meantime?

He is not currently having an affair and says that he has been so hurt that he is in no hurry to have one either.

Im just not content with the idea of him staying here once we are divorced. I think that should be a completely clean break.

Any more opinions?

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 05:38 AM: Message edited by: Debbra ]</small>

Deb..

I am just going to ask because I am confused about your closing tag line....

Here are my questions...
did you two ever counsel and resolve your many internet liasons...and the fact you left..did you leave the children...
did you have physical affairs.
has he had physical affairs....

And am really confused if he is gay...
and what he says about that issue...
and what that does to a marriage in recovery...

what are you common goals....
what can you two agree on together...

no matter the outcome divorced but living together pretendng marriage... would be the worst message to send to the children...

ark

Ark...heres the answer to your questions...Ill be as brief as possible.

did you two ever counsel and resolve your many internet liasons

My liasons are now over.

did you leave the children...

I took the youngest 4 with me.I went to do teacher training. It was impossible to move the oldest 3 from school due to where they were in the system.

did you have physical affairs.

I met a lot of people from online. I limited physical contact to kissing. I had sex once with the last man I met (a mistake). I met no other men after this....

has he had physical affairs....

He has had 2 online affairs. Last summer he flew to teh USA to meet one of teh guys but the affair was one sided and the guy refused to have sex with him. He had sex earlier this year with a man he met online. This is the only time he has had gay sex. This was casual and he admits it was a mistake. He had a major online affair with a greek guy who ended things , pleading with him to return to me, about 2 months ago.

And am really confused if he is gay... and what he says about that issue... and what that does to a marriage in recovery...

He is bisexual but at the moment feels nearer to teh gay side (it is normal for bisexuals to oscillate between the sexes according to my research). He says he cares for me but is not in love with me and what he wants is a long term relationship with a man "to give me strength". Those are his words but he doesnt seem to be able to define what they mean. The actual situation is that as long as he is living in this community he cannot do that because of the stigma that would fall on his children and parents. What he would like is for me to leave and then he could do the same and carry out his plans.

As for4 how it effects our recovery..I dont know! He is still in the fog as far as I can see. there is no longer an affair as such but he has not commited to working on our marriage. We do lots of things together, go dancing once a week, which we both love, and have a date night as well as taking walks together etc. He says he has been so hurt by me, the Greek guy and teh American , that he is not prepared to risk any relationship at this point.

what are you common goals....

Im not sure we have any anymore. We still attend church together on Sundays. This gives some kind of structure to our lives. He has no vision of teh future at the moment other than this idylic situation of him living elsewhere with man who has no identity at the moment).

( what can you two agree on together...

We get along very well. We are agreed on sitting out the situation at the moment as we really have no choice in the matter. He is awarethat I am following Plan A and is dreading Plan B as the withdrawal of friendship was what he found most hurtful about the ending of the 2 online affairs he had.....

I am sorry for the pain that I know that you must be going through. I would not give him anything. Go to work for you. Since he cannot fill your needs or do anything for you I think he needs to move out. I have a man who is a weekend father and I am grateful when he takes my kids off my hands for a weekend. I beleive I am the best parent for my kids. I am glad to have my kids all week because it is very rewarding to be the main parent. I had a child taken away from me because the father had money and I did'nt. Beleive me being the weekend parent is no fun. You always feel like you are missing out. Let him be the weekend parent. He will be missing out. If he stays in your house he will always be a burden to you and hold you back. Do you have family. Family are usually glad to help out with the kids if you need some time. Or hire a babysitter. It will be cheaper than supporting him when he is doing nothing for you.

I'm gonna try to just address this factually and logically...
this is not to attack or make you defensive...
but I am really trying to step back and see the bigger picture...

I asked did you two ever counsel and resolve your many internet liasons

you answered...
My liasons are now over

that's not really answer to did you two ever enter couselling over your affairs...
and kissing is an affair...
it is infidelity..(just a fact)

so it is a huge huge red flag that the two of you have yet to work out the issues and emotions involved in your infidelity....

HUGE

how many years of your marriage involved your affairs...


How do YOU envision your marriage in the future..
do you see yourself and himself as ever being ABLE to be exclusive with one another..
neither have been in the past
AND
is that something he is even interested in..
and if not how do you feel about that..

you two need to get in counselling ASAP...too many issues....

ARK