Havn't posted in a while and I'm looking for some perspective. Some things have just been rattling about in my head for a few weeks. It maybe because I was off of anti-d's for a month but I figured I'd sound it out.

Things between my W and I have been good. However, I keep on having this nagging fear that the reason things are good and that W feels better about our M is because things have gone well for her, she's working, starting grad school, and feels pretty positive about the future most of the time. I keep on having this feeling that if these things had not happened we would be nowhere close to recovery and that if thing went badly for her in the future, regarding career & personal success that she would again blame the marriage and start looking for a way out.

From my pov it looks like she's here while it feels good for her.

She's tried to reassure me. She tells me that she sees changes in me that help her feel better about the marriage. While this helps, I also end up w/ the feeling that I have to be "ON" 100% of the time. This lead me to have a small breakdown back in March.

The end result is that I now have a lot of angry thoughts in my head that affect how I relate to my W. Most of the time I can vanish them, when we spend time together its easy to forget them. But they are there affecting me subconsiously. The most obvious way this manifests is through SF, or the lack thereof because these feelings affect desire.

Maybe I'm feeling the anger that wasn't there before. I was so grateful the M ended I didn't really address how I was hurt. Now I'm just seeing how selfish she can be.

Any insight is greatly appreciated.

J.

<small>[ June 01, 2004, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: jgnc ]</small>

bump

Hi jgnc,

I don't know if I recall your whole story but can you not tell your WW of these angry feelings you have? You shouldn't vanish them,you have to let them out,you should know that.Who better to hear about then the one who is at the epicenter?

Even though I am nowhere near recovery I do understand what it means to be ON all the time.You feel like you can't be yourself and you are walking on egg shells trying not to screw up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It seems to me that we all have pent up anger,resentment and pain and every now and then it bubbles to the surface.You may think at some times your past it all but then a trigger happens and BAM there you are.Back to misery.

Also,I assume you meant that the A ended not the marriage(M)?

"Now I'm seeing how selfish she can be".

What do you mean by that?

O

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 09:58 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Hey J! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I was just thinking about you the other day and how we lost our wonderful chatty thread...I miss talking to you guys... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

listen: I found a post that made me think of your W (OG -- J's W suffers from clinical depression), or rather that perhaps it would help you to see your own role somewhat differently...

perhaps not...I just never can tell what will resonate with other people sometimes! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

in the meantime, as OG says, are you sharing honestly with your W? or trying to pent up those feelings? they need to be released otherwise become deep-seated resentment...

I send everyone here now...it is excellent... honesty assignment

how's the painting going? and work? gosh...it has been quite a while hasn't it???

okay...I ran off and looked for the thread I mentioned above...can't find it...I'll see if I can locate it and post later...

take care of yourself...awed

Well yesterday was W's B-day and we had a great time so I'm feeling better. Plus I think after almost 2 weeks the anti-d's are kicking in again.

well yes I can talk to my W and have to some extent. She knows there is still anger and she understands. In fact before she could not understand how I could not be angry. But that's it. There is a wall in our communication because well... she does not take critisism well. It's hard for her to face up to her actions and take ownership of them.

I am trying to vanish the thoughts because as our MC said, I have to give her the opportunity to change. On the otherhand my IC tells me that it is normal that I do not trust her committment and that the feeling may not fully go away.

I'm thinking of when I started feeling like this. Recently she's found some dissatisfaction w/ grad school and has expressed some regret at being tied to Colorado and being restricted from applying to other schools. This is a big trigger because she blamed the marriage before for killing her career. That dissatisfaction fulled the EA to begin with.

There's a lot of resentment as to how the A finally ended. Yes I did mean A not M.

I'm thinking a lot about these things:
I had to end it for her w/ a threat to OM.
She never has asked for forgiveness, though she has said she is sorry for hurting me.
Her views on marriage and commitment (antiquated cruel institution) in general make it hard for me to believe that she could ever make a real commitment.
She has difficulty w/ empathy.
Sometimes she seems more concerned w/ what her actions say about her than what their effect is on others.
She recognizes some narcissistic qualities in herself.

These are not things I can change. I guess I'm asking myself if these are things I can live with. And of course there are the fears that creep up sometimes, that if I mess up or something beyound my control happens to my work or school does not work out for her, that she will be looking for a way out again.

I'm trying not to get down on this. She is trying. For the first time in over a year, she seems to be letting me figure out what I want for myself rather than dictate it to me. Just trying to focus on the small positives rather than the long way to go.

Awed,

In other news. work is ok. Was having a few bad days there where I was sure I was going to quit but it passed. I'm getting some good possitive feedback so I'm optimistic. The painting is stalled, many home projects are stalled, part of the minor breakdown which made me slow down considerably. I still have some end tables I need to finish constructing and that comes first.

I'm finally buying a road bike, which W is quite enthusiastic about. She really likes that I am seriously persuing an goal.

Take care, and let us know how your grad plans work out.

J.

<small>[ June 03, 2004, 05:15 PM: Message edited by: jgnc ]</small>