I just read the thread Exposure- a view from the other side by Weaver and it deals with how she as the OW felt during the A. Any OM that can express their feelings and tell what was/is going through your brain during the A?

DJ

For me it seemed simple. I felt like I L'ed the OW. She filled me with so much joy. She did everything right. Many people say that the OP is just filling needs not met in a M, but for me none of my needs were being met in my M. The OW filled all of them.

My W and I never have shared any hobbies together. She was never willing to go do anything unless it was what she wanted to do. SF was something I saw every 2-4 months. Even though I tried nothing I did seemed to matter. I would just be told how much I discusted her. She would never give me any respect at all, always telling all of our friend how she made more than I did even though it was only by about $100.00 a year.

It was easy for me (in my head) to justify the A. I L'ed the OW and my W didn't treat me good at all(so I felt). My feelings for the OW were real to me. I would have M her. I would have given up my life with my W to be with the OW. I have two kids and thought they would be ok because they also L'ed the OW. I thought my life would be great to be able to come home to a W who really L'ed and admired me.

She is out of my life. My W and I are working on our M. My W has made many changes since I have been gone. She took the time to work on herself. That is the reason I am here. Had she not taken the time and worked on herself I would have never come back. She is a different person now. I hate that it took me doing this for us to communicate better and for her to deal with her issues.

I still struggle. I'm sure it will get better but I still feel so much L for OW. I hope that feeling goes away. I L my W and hope things will work for us.

Hope that I have given you some idea from the otherside and not just babled.

Best of luck
RLL

Was the OW married? Did you feel any guilt?

I agrre in full, I felt all these things when I was with the OW. Im not happy that the A happend, I truly wished my W would of listened to all the worning signals I was giving her, but this did not happen. When the OW said she would be willing to furfill all that was missing I did not hesitate.

I can truly relate to you RLL, the fellings have not gone away for me neither (OW). My A ended about 2 months ago and it has taken a great toll on our recovery, but were working on our M <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> , my W is much more commited, and im hopeing for better days (my W did not work on herself but rather lost 10 pounds, she ways 98 lbs. now).

To add on what Deffjeff asked ide say that the OW was so much more receptive to my needs, feelings, thoughts, plans, SF, (not in that order) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> than my W who was truly on a dead end M with me. I decided to get of the train before we hit the wall.

Best hopes to all the OS's on this site, don't give up, don't loose hope, if our W (and me)have learned anything from this A, we will survive and have better M in the long run. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FCalunga

OS(37)
BS(38)
M17
3 kids
DD 12/7/03
NC 3/26/04
In the Recovery Room

Thanks guys. What I'm asking though is more how you felt about the A and the OWH than the your justification for the A.

DJ

Yes the OW was M. I knew her husband very well and we did a lot together. Was there guilt, yes. Not always. It would come and go. When I did things with him I would feel very guilty. I enjoyed going fishing and doing the activities that I had not done since my father had moved. He was a great friend that I failed and screwed over, for that I am sorry. Other time there was no guilt. I absolutly hated the way he treated his W. She deserved so much more than what he gave her. I know it was not my place but it is a lot easier looking back then when it is in front of you. He was a very selfish person who only thought of himself. Instead of me trying to help his marriage I only hurt that, and turned into a selfish person myself. The bad thing for me know is I'm sure he thinks the only reason I was his friend was because of his W. It is not true but I would probably feel the same way


FC


It is strange how things happen. I did not even realize she was meeting my needs until it was too late. I should have stopped it soon than maybe I would still have two great friends. My W did work on herself and that made a world of difference in her. She also lost 30 pounds, so she is at 98 pounds as well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

best of luck
RLL