My W had an A which supposedly stopped about 2.5 months ago. However since then we have not talked much about it and us. I have tried to get her to open up on numerous occasions. I have asked her to talk about what went wrong with us so we can work on it, I have written her a letter to tell her I don't blame her or think she is a bad person and we need to talk. I recently asked her if anything was still going on with her and OM she said no and it always seems to be about the affair. Then she said the reason she hasn't been able to talk is because she has lost her feelings for me if she ever had them and didn't know how to tell me this. She said she didn't know what to do. She was with me because it would devastate her father and grandmother but she also didn't want to grow old and be miserable with me. I am hoping this is "fog talk" but I just don't know. Maybe she just has lost her feelings for me. Well she must of to have an A. I told her that we should try to work on what went wrong to try to regain feelings. She said she didn't know. I just need to find a way to break down the wall blocking the feelings she did have for me but I don't know how. Any others have any experience on this topic? Any FWS have lost their feelings and found them again-please share.

Staggered,

I have been just where your wife is now. EXACTLY where she is now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Then she said the reason she hasn't been able to talk is because she has lost her feelings for me if she ever had them and didn't know how to tell me this. She said she didn't know what to do. She was with me because it would devastate her father and grandmother but she also didn't want to grow old and be miserable with me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is textbook fogtalk. This is what WE ALL say.

I am in the process of a wonderful recovery with my husband and I was in EXACTLY the same place as your wife is now.

You, believe it or not, are on the first steps to recovery.

Jenny

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 02:27 AM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

Thanks Jenny. I appreciate your words of encouragement. How did your H get you to realize your feelings for him again. I know my wife lost feelings for me because I felt the same way due to all the LB we were both guilty of. However, after knowledge of the A surfaced I realized by a "kick in the face" that my W was everything to me and after reading here I realized what we had been doing to each other. Was there something specific your H or any others spouse did to spark feelings again?

Staggered, I thought about that after I'd replied to your post. I didn't really tell you the how.

First, I knew we had so much history and that before the A, before all the problems that led to the A, we had been very happy. I couldn't even remember how I felt then. It was gone. But I knew it had been there once and could be there again.

Second, my H did everything in his power to bring me back. He just worked and worked on filling every need I had, he asked questions in a loving, non LB way by keeping calm and listening. He just fought for me.

I don't know if you've read my posts, we have been on a 7 month painful rollercoaster.

I listened to every word everyone and anyone posted to me. But last week when we were on the verge of separation, even after all the work that H had done, two people on this board made me turnaround completely. They were JL and Awed.

Everything they said suddenly made perfect sense to me and, for the first time in 3 years I felt happy and "in love" with my H.

I don't know how you achieve it. From the beginning I focussed on the tiny, tiny spark I still felt for my H. Could you ask your W if she still has that tiny, tiny spark? If she has, you are on the way.

Jenny

Thanks again Jenny. I have also been doing what I can to bring her back to me. We just had a 7-year anniversary of our first date and I gave her flowers and a card which was a remember when type thing of the first time we met and our first actual date. She seemed to appreciate it. I really want to ask her if there is a tiny spark at all still there for me but I'm afraid to. What if she says NO? She would probably answer I don't know as seems to be her answer as of late. I just need to find the right way to bring it up to her. But I also don't want to dwell on us too much and push her. I KNOW she did care for me but I just need for her to remember.

I believe if you cared for someone once you can care for them again but she probably will say "I don't know" if you ask her if there's a spark.


2.5 months is not very long. She will still be in withdrawal. OMG this stuff is so hard. Just me seeing OM again 2 weeks ago when I didn't even talk to him, took H and I right back to D-day.

Patience and time - what can I say. As long as she's still living with you that is still something. The only thing I could say to H just after he found out was "I'm still here." That's all I could give him.

We also had a very good pro-marriage MC.

Also, don't try too hard. Not too much too soon - it all falls on deaf ears and it will only push her away. Just be there showing how much you care.

Good luck, staggered. I wish I could talk to your W.

And, once again, I can't believe how far I've come thanks to MB and the wonderful people here.

Jenny

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 03:08 AM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>

YES, I also wish you and other FWS like you could talk to my W. I also know she could care for me again if she could only stop dwelling on any past bad emotions,times and feelings between us and start to be open to the idea of having feelings for me again. I mean I was having a hard time in our relationship also because of LB from her and wasn't sure about my feelings for her which made me LB and her LB(a vicious circle). But I realized my feelings were there I just needed to uncover them again. I hope in time she will also see this and I will have the patience to wait.

Staggered, I hate to leave people up in the air but it's getting late even here (in NZ).

I'll be back on tomorrow and I hope you'll hear from others as well.

Jenny

I appreciate the comments. It is good to hear from a WS to help gain insight of the actions of a WS. Of course everyone is different but it still helps. Anyway I'm off to school. I will check back later and would greatly appreciate others experiences with this matter. Thanks!!

Staggered:

My W was the WS and she said similar things to me. I would say she is still either seeing or talking with the OM at this point and she remains in the fog. Once contact is 100% broken, you may start seeing a change 3 to 4 weeks down the road where your Wife will start to be more her old self. The fog state is brutal and she is serious about her feelings. In time she may come to realize the feelings were more fantasy than real.

Be patient yet firm. Make her prove there is no contact. If she works with him, she needs to quit or it may ruin your marriage. I would bet there is still some contact at this time. My FWW lied through her teeth for 8+ months to protect and keep the relationship and wonderful feelings she had for her BF.

Two key things worked for me to bring her back to reality, #1: Exposure and #2: No Contact. She convinced me the A was over but refused to quit her job and the relationship never got any better. This meant she was still actively involded. Understand, your past loyal and moral wife will lie to you daily to protect her relationship with the OM. Finally, once my W quit her job, the tears began and depression set in for her but the beginning of the Recovery had started. We are now making real progress because I viewed her quitting the job she loved as a commitment to make her marriage work.

Patience, anti-depressants, thick skin, many tears, beer and wine will get through the hell your in. Good luck.

Anyone else out there have experiences to share on this topic???

Curious to hear from anyone but especially FWS.

S:Hope things work out for the best for you. I doubt that my WW will ever be as far along as yours before DV-Day.

TSTBC: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Patience, anti-depressants, thick skin, many tears, beer and wine will get through the hell your in. Good luck. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My MD and shrink both told me I had to quit alcohol, I was having a few every night, a new development since WW moved out. It doesn't go with the A/Ds. Sure was nice to take the edge off though.

Thanks! I hope things work out too!

S
I'm a FWW. It sounds like fog talk to me, and that could easily mean she is still talking to OM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I agree with Too SOON, I know that as soon as NC was in place for me, I was always crying and very depressed. The grandness of this immoral mistake would shame even the sleaziest of people.

My H and I are 3 months after dday, we are in recovery. I would have said the same thing your W was saying while still involved.

It is a very hard thing to get over and expect relapses.

My H, fought for me. He made it clear to OM he would not allow the A to cont. NC would be made.

My H also improved himself. We had a very one sided M before, he has just now joined our M. He is wonderful in everyway, although I feel he is lacking some depth and sincerity to his new behavior, he is still trying with all his might to win for our M.

How can you resist a man that is that in love with you. I can't. I'm still in a slump with my emotions, but I'm positive we are going to have a great M.

Kyellow4 is right....
I confronted my W a 1.5 months ago and she told me she was not going to see or talk to them anymore (Two OM's).....
then finding out she is still seeing them and it's PA when she said she was going to try to work it out....
W was showing no feelings, no hello's, no good nights, not talking to me and still being sneaky.
When the OM are still in the picture, i was just a invisible man and only talked too when she had too....

My W is still at home with me and we still sleep in the same bed, she may still be home b/c she knows I still love her very much, I dont know if that makes sense....

I wish you the best of luck and stay strong.
Deeppain.
You have to be sure that the OM are out of the picture for good.....

Staggered,

I want you to read SKM's chronicles. It will offer you an idea of the time line for recovery by a WW. She, SKM, is a wonderful person and provided a lot of help on this site but you can see the struggles she went through.

You have been given great advice by those that have posted to you, especially KiwiJ and KYellow. They have been there and are still dealing with it.

You need to stay in plan A, and Yes it is NOT for wimps. You will be tested like you never have, but you can do this.

So read SKM's Chronicles and have faith. This can be done. I know SKM and her H and they now have a child and have fully recovered. You could not meet to nicer people. My guess you and your W are similar, it is a matter of getting on the same page again.

Here it is SKM's Chronicles

Hope it helps.

God Bless,

JL

I don't have much time on the computer but I want to THANK EVERYONE for your words of wisdom. I do appreciate it and will fully read everything in the morning(almost 9pm for me now). So if any others have any experiences or anything else to add I will appreciate it and read it tomorrow. Thanks again you are all a great help in this crazy time.

Staggered,
Please have heart, you are in the same position as I was in a few moths ago. We are now 9 months past dday and my W is responding to me in every way. The first 6 months were real character builders for me. When my W ended all contact, our recovery started. He kept calling about once a month and there was full contact at Christmas(not physical). You need to stop asking her about the A. It will shut her down. She is deeply hurt by all of this and will blame you for the whole mess.

In time this gets better. Once the WS makes the decision to break contact, she will be looking for a safe landing zone. You must become that safe landing zone. You cannot judge her, even in your heart. LB's can be nonverbal as well as verbal. She will be watching you very closely during this time and you may not be aware of it. She needs to see you in a different light. When she rejects you, don't withdraw, but continue to reach out to her. She needs to see you fighting for her. This effort can take 6 months or more.

There is more to tell, so you need to continue coming here for help. The people here are great and committed to saving M.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

Thanks again, everybody! I appreciate all comments. JL-I have read SKM's chronicles. It was very informative. I am trying to be patient but you're right this is not for wimps. Roman121-I don't bring up the A very often. I don't want to pressure her. I only asked my W about OM because I noticed contact between them so had to ask and reaffirm my position of no contact. Again thank you. Also, I am still open to other comments.