WH left 10 days ago. has been home twice to get work equipment and a few t shirts. he has not "moved" out. his desk-bills-personal affects and clothing are all still here. came here one day to talk-expected OS dinner birthday but got no party. came in the door-"guns blazing" about what he would not do-discuss-tolerate. out the door again 3 hours later. we have changed the locks and he knows it. sons are 18 and 22- living at home- paying their way- working and college. I am a homemaker/wife/mother. I work 10 weeks each summer teaching. for the next week or so I have enough $$ to get along. I have borrowed a car. WH is most likely staying with ow and her young child. (not my h child!) ow is still married. seperated by geographic distance from her h. YS has a business with WH that is now seperate but the same business. OS got a voice message yesterday- Happy Birthday- I'll always love you" OS did not reply. YS will not speak to WH. WH has had no contact with me other than stated here. when any of us ask WH if he wants to be "thrown out" WH says NO. if asked about a divorce he says I don't know. anything else gets an "I don't know-or none of your business" answer. so......do we just go dark or do I officially send a B letter????????????????????? you know I'm dying if you've been here.......HELP!!!

PEACE OUT

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 09:13 AM: Message edited by: sprezzatura ]</small>

Originally posted by sprezzatura:
so......do we just go dark or do I officially send a B letter?????????????????????

I am sorry you are so lost in this misery.

I would advise a very loving and firm PBL.... even though your WH is hiding in his cave right now.

Your position as a betrayed wife needs a voice. You can state what you stand for. What your marriage has meant to you. You can lay down the conditions of his return to the FAMILY ... and do it all in a loving, non-LB tone. As Morterman said, you also lay down a roadmap for his return, should he choose to do so.

And it gives you the peace of knowing you did the right thing... you stood up for your marriage, but refused to be a doormat indefinately.

That's my opinion.

And.... since you have adult children, perhaps THE BOYS can compose their own PBL... if you explain the concept to them. They should also be able to express their hurt and their longing for a father married to their mother. I don't know if this is a radical idea, but I personally think it is a good one. Only works if sent without LBs.

Pep

{{{{Sprezz}}}}

You have been trying very hard to recover, and have done many things. Since dday, you have to endure your H's behavior, by him not keeping up to his promises, breaking NC, getting away, being selfish, etc, etc, etc.
Been there, done that myself too, but not for as long as you did. {To some degree I'm still doing it, but learning here...}
Keep in mind, that I do know that you want your M. But by allowing this for that long, and without consequences, you are just giving him the message that he can continue for as long as he wants. And in the mean time what? You have changed, but he can't see those changes, because he was, is and it's going to be in the fog, and not thinking straight AT ALL. He is just getting the needs from both of you filled big time. But in the meantime, you are not getting any better. Not because you don't want or because you didn't changed, but somehow, that kind of life, tends to wear us out, and made some twists into our minds. At some point we tend to get comfortable even on that, and we got our sense of self worth so destroyed, that we might think we don't know better, or if this happens (plan B or separation) will we worse that the hell we been living through.

At the begining of this, I didn't knew NOTHING. As soon as I found out, throwed my H away from home, in the middle of my separation I went for 2 plan A's and 2 messed up plan B's {messed up, because in the first time we talked over the phone and I didn't sent a plan B letter so he thought I was just mad at him, and the second time because we emailed each other about finances, it was better because we didn't talked at all, but messed up anyhow}.

I don't know about you, but let me tell you, as soon as I realized how crazy the whole lying, situation was making me, and because of someone pointed at me that my H was not in the "regular" fog, I went to the best I could do of plan B. Not to save my love left, but to separate me for the source of my destruction at the time. I know I can not blame him for it, but at the time I didn't knew better, and he was the source in my mind of it.

It was not easy at all, at the begining it was very lonely and painful, I was freting on what he could be doing, still cared for him, and worried about his health, security, and lots of stuff. I really missed him baddly. If anything just for the company.

I spent 2 more months grieving and in pain, until one day, I realized that every day was the same, that I had to go on, so I started to look for a job, bough a bike and decided to go out and do different things. I didn't knew what would happen, but I did knew that being alone at home was not working, I was getting more depressed by the day.
I think, that this is as good time as any, to thank you and all the people of MB who supported me on those dark days and through all this time, I don't think I would have made it without you really.

So I started going out, I found a job, I went to AA, dancing therapy, going out with friends, biking and just regaining my life back without my H. I had my time frame for D. I didn't saw any chance of recovery for us.

Well God sure knows how to act, on december, we had to see each other, because of my bike crash and I asking him about the insurance, and he saw I was shining again.
Of course if you add that the A was not that amusing, that H had to be alone a lot of time, and that OW didn't wanted to go on with him... I mean get serious... H saw he was losing a lot on this.

I don't know what it's going to be. If there will be a we or not, but I thought that we wouldn't be together ever again after my second plan B, and look where we are now. For the first time I think that H is trying, at his speed or God speed, but I have saw some changes. Changes I never got even since the begining of my M, we will see.

I never thought or dream in my wildest nightmares, that this could have happened to me. Never thought I would be separated for a day, if it was not because of traveling, never thought a lot of things, and I thought plan B was the end.

Turned out, that well not even my imagination, can match my reality. Truth is, I don't got a crystal ball. You don't got that too do you?
So you might be thinking, that this is the end for you, that you will not recover, that he will not come back ever, many things. But in truth YOU DON'T KNOW!. And your reality now is that he left. So yes plan B was served to you in a silver plate, not because you wanted it, but because he chosed.

What I would do now, since you been at this far long, is send plan B letter, a lovely one, gave the link in the other board, and contact a lawyer. I know FS is a biggie with a lot of us, but I was told, he can't get away that easily in US and leave you all hanging.

Your H doesn't know better, but you will KNOW better from the support or advice from people here. If you have ANY question, post it. There are a lot of things you still don't know on how to deal with. Probably people here have dealt with it already and can help. Do not close your windows too.

Things will get better, one way or the other. I know this.

Peace out!! and take good care my friend.

Pepper- many thanks- you are always so clear and concise and I am always happy to see you reach out to anyone. and now me. makes me weep to feel the caring and love. I have read all the B letters around the forums that have been bumped up- I have copied and pasted a mish-mash of parts that I feel- just can't seem to get them together. sons are full blown on the B plan. their hearts are broken that ow/her child have been chosen. pastor agrees sons are feeling rightfully. I will suggest the PBL to them- OS might. YS son will say let him go......but I know how YS really grieves tho as he leaves his chats on my PC screen that he has with his college friends- he knows I will read what he said that he can't say outloud to me as it is too painful.

Mattie- you are a gift. you are clear and make sense- don't have any proper way to thank you.

PEACE OUT

Pep- one more favor- I do not know how to really explain to sons what they should say- its so different for them- I have lost my parents too and know their pain. but they have been raised up seriously straight eagle scout style and this kills them. maybe you could write something for them to read that would be more coherent than their mother is at the moment? thanks if you have it in you.......

PEACE OUT

what Pep said! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

interesting idea about your kids too...that might add a whole new facet to Plan B...and it certainly sounds like their love for their father needs to be protected from his current actions...

hugs to you...awed

P.S. you should also work on Plan "nikko" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ...go to the mall, laugh your head off, have a great time and enjoy your life...you could also use the same break she's working on for herself...glad to hear you two can help each other out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm in a hurry... but here's a very rough draft.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Dad...

This is what I learned growing up with you ...

(May I suggest you put scout mottos and ethical behaviors here)

This is how much I looked up to you ,... my DAD... the MAN I could count on. My leader. My role model. My hero!

This is how your recent affair and behavior has effected me (describe physical symptoms, emotional turmoil, doubts about fatherhood, marriage , etc)

End letter with sad realization that until Dad returns to being a man that no longer causes pain and heart ache to his family ... it is too painful to continue the relationship.

Goodbye, I miss my Dad.... the real man I used to know.

If you want a present-day relationship with me, it must come in the context that lives up to the moral code YOU taught me as a youth. Otherwise, it's too painful for me to endure.

Love, your son.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father's Day might be an appropriate target date.... for son's PBL

Pep

watch out for DJs because they really spoil the intended effect of the letter...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Goodbye, I miss my Dad.... the real man I used to know. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">simply "the man I used to know" would work much better...awed

awed is correct!

Pep- very good esp if that was rushed! YS said NO WAY. I figured he would- I told him professional advice was coming directly for him and OS about the PBL- he said NO WAY-got nothing to say to that snake. YS went to in-laws today to get some euqipment to work- in-laws came outside hi hi all nicey nice...... (gag) and said hey your dad is on the phone now- come in and talk to him- YS said no way- scum-nothing to say to him- bye. and YS came home and went to work. YS has his own plan B.

what is a DJ???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">watch out for DJs because they really spoil the intended effect of the letter...

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thanks awed18 too....and Pep-

PEACE OUT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> what is a DJ??? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">disrespectful judgement <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />