I have not posted in a while…but I really need some advice at this point so I was prompted to post. My WH and I had one false recovery that lasted 3 weeks. He then moved back in with OW for one week, I went to plan B, he realized he made a mistake, broke it off with OW and moved out.

I set my boundary firm this time – he could not move back home until he established NC with OW. He and OW are coworkers. The first time we reconciled, he convinced me that they could work together for a short time until he figured out what to do about a new job…he told me he would be strong enough…and of course that did not work. So this time around, I said either he or she needs to be gone before I will try to rebuild again.

So, OW put in her notice at work. She will be gone in 4 weeks (moving to a different state far away). Their relationship is over but that still does not stop her from going by WH’s desk and calling him on his cell to let him know how things are going with her. He says he just acts indifferent to her.

For the past two weeks, WH and I have been talking regularly (WH is staying with a friend). He seems committed to reconciliation. I told him that because OW put in her notice, he could come home if he could institute NC. He said he would take this week to prove to me that he could do NC. Well, I talked with him last night and he told me how he had called her a few times over the weekend just to see how she was doing. Of course I got upset. He was supposed to be proving NC. He was being honest, but come on. He keeps saying that she will be gone soon and its over and he will definitely do NC when she is gone (I do believe it is over – she would never quit her job otherwise). Finally I am getting to my question…should I go back to Plan B (go dark) until he is able to establish and prove NC? Or is Plan B too extreme in this situation seeing as he has ended relationship with OW and she will be gone soon?

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 09:50 AM: Message edited by: shockednhurt ]</small>

shockednhurt,

Well sad to say not only is he NOT doing NC while at work, he's also calling her on the weekend?? What's that all about? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I think that if I were in your shoes I wouldn't go to a hard Plan B and be totally dark. Your H *is* being open and honest with you (at least to some extent), and OW *is* on her way out the door soon. I think, if you have the strength and a good enough love bank account, you would do well to see how things go after OW moves. Besides, didn't you say your boundary is no moving home until NC was established?

So don't let him move home until you're comfortable that NC is really in place, and thank him for being honest about the contact that has taken place. That will pave the way for him to be able to open up to you and feel safe to be more honest with you during recovery.

turtlehead - Thanks for the reply. The fact that he was calling her on the weekend is why this was so upsetting. I understand your point of view. I have been hesitant to do a hard Plan B because WH sees it as minimizing the positive steps he has taken in the last few weeks. I also don't want to make any mistakes when OW is so close to being gone. But I have no intention of letting WH home until NC takes place. Thanks for your perspective.

Pep - your posts are always great and I always look for them but I am confused by this one. I think I agree with your concept of "If you don't mean to back it up, don't say it." I guess I am not sure how I have failed this concept. I told WH he could move back in when NC was established. That has always been my firm boundary. I have no intention of letting WH home until NC takes place. I am not sure how I have not responded as promised. My only question was if/how to communicate with WH while he tries to establish NC. Am I being dense...can you fill in the blanks for me?

Finally I am getting to my question…should I go back to Plan B (go dark) until he is able to establish and prove NC? Or is Plan B too extreme in this situation seeing as he has ended relationship with OW and she will be gone soon?

Excuse me for being dense.... but, I cannot tell where you stand from this question you wrote.

This is my understanding of your situation, please correct me where I am wrong:

1. You were in Plan B, but are not now.

2. NC was agreed upon by WH, and thus the end of Plan B.

3. WH is not keeping his agreement for NC.

Have I misunderstood?

Pep

Pep...nobody could ever accuse you of being dense...your posts are always very insighful. Forgive me for not describing my situation clearly...sometimes I forget that not everyone knows the details of the situation that are so vivid to me.

1. I was in Plan B, but am not now.

2. WH broke off the relationship with OW, thus ended Plan B. (The only condition to end Plan B was to end the relationship...then we could talk about reconciliation).

3. WH wants to return home and go forward with reconciliation. The condition of his return is NC. He has said he would try but has not been doing very well. Therefore he is not home yet.

The confusion, I think, was that NC was tied in with my Plan B. And I guess that was my mistake because the condition to end Plan B was only to end the affair.

Thanks for taking the time to post to me. I do appreciate it.

(I read you reply after I wrote this)
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> When you went to Plan B and sent him the letter, you told him there would be no contact between you & him until the affair was over & he was willing to do no-contact.

When this happens, then you sit down and establish rules/boundaries for his return to the house. This is done BEFORE he moves home.
Simply telling him he can move home after the affair will not do much for your situation.

Since he is in contact you should be in Plan B, because you told him if there was contact, you would be in Plan B.
Correct?

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 11:26 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Can you post a copy of your Plan B letter?

That would help.

I see potential here... but I fear you are about to mis-step... could be wrong.

The PBL is a critical answer to your current dilemma.

And I have been DENSE on numerous occasions!

Pep

Here is a copy of my PBL. Please note that this was sent before our first "false" recovery (well over two months ago).

Dear WH,

It is with a heavy heart that I sit here writing this letter to you. It is truly sad what has happened to us and our marriage. The direction that I must go now is not one of choice but of necessity. Let me explain.

I have thought a lot about our marriage, our current situation and about where we are going. You know my thoughts and feelings. I love you, I want to be with you and work on making our marriage the best ever. I commit to you and our marriage. But it takes two of us, I cannot do it alone.

In the past few weeks, I have been reading and learning a lot about relationships. I know that we allowed our relationship to be un-nurtured for too long. We did not spend enough time to work on us as a loving couple. It is easy to see now, but it was too easy to ignore in the past. Our relationship was not perfect and I take my share of the blame for what happened. But that does not mean it is too late to begin rebuilding our marriage and deepening the love that we have for each other.

The past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and emptiness that I experience on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only saving grace is the thought of us being together and happy again some day. Unfortunately, I find now that is slowly being shattered as well. Before I lose that thought completely I must take some drastic steps.

WH, as you know I am willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. It won't happen overnight and it will take a lot of work, but we owe it to ourselves to try hard to make our marriage work. I simply cannot do this until you end your relationship with OW. You must know and realize about the pain and suffering that I have endured because of your relationship with her. I simply cannot endure this pain anymore and for that reason I cannot see you or speak to you as long as you are still seeing her.

Our current situation is too painful and stressful for me. I understand that you are the only person who can make choices for you. You are free. I hope you will find peace with whatever decision you make. You are my friend, my lover and my husband. I only want true happiness for you. But while you try to figure things out, I hope that you understand and respect my choice to remove myself from this rollercoaster ride.

Should you need to contact me regarding finances or other business matters, please do so via email or voicemail. I will not be taking your calls and ask that you please stop sending me personal emails. I will be willing to speak to you regarding our marriage only when you are ready to:

•Break off your relationship with OW
•Move your stuff out of her home immediately
•Commit to marriage counseling and a recovery plan

I hope that you will understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you. I am doing it to protect my feelings for you and any chance of reconciliation in the future.

You were my first real love – the only one I ever wanted. The only one I still want. I will never forget our memories. God bless you, WH. I will miss you.

Always,

shocked